Trucks, Tobacco and Girls. The Best Country Song Ever?

20140411-132908.jpg

Here’s a little tidbit about me, I enjoy music. Pretty much any kind of music really. If it has an instrument or a voice involved I’ll probably listen to it at least once. In fact if you were to spend anytime at all browsing through my iPod you might even think I’m having a serious identity crisis. Anything from Eminem to U2 you’ll find it there. Heck, there might even be a song or two from Barney the Dinosaur, but I’m neither confirming nor denying this.

However there is one music genre that I just don’t understand and cannot get on board with. Almost 25 years on this earth and I just cannot understand country music. I live in Nashville, you’d think it would make sense, but nope! I’ve slowly discovered that country music is mostly about trucks. And if there’s no truck it’s a girl. No girl? How about some alcohol and a river? These are the only things you need for a country song.

You’re never going to believe this, but I may have had the most ultimate country song ever suggested to me just the other day.

The name: Boys ‘Round Here.
The artist: Blake Shelton, or as I call him, ‘that one guy from The Voice’

This song includes everything you need for the most perfect country tune! Trucks, alcohol, girls and a river! Every single one of them is here. Based on that alone it has to be great! And I’m almost 37% sure it makes perfect sense and is a wonderfully deep and meaningful song! Luckily for all of you, I’ve spent hours doing an intense lyrical study to find out if this is indeed the most perfect country song. Join me now on this lyrical journey!

Boys ‘Round Here

Well the boys ’round here don’t listen to The Beatles

Well, why not? Everyone enjoys The Beatles. They’re kind of a classic band. Even I listen to The Beatles and I have terrible taste in music. Ask anyone who’s ever spent time near me. We are not off to a great start here Blake ol’ boy.

Run ole Bocephus through a jukebox needle

Bocephus? That’s a blood disease, right? Isn’t it contagious? Are you sharing needles?? I’m pretty sure that’s how you catch Bocephus, I learned that in 7th grade health. Also, as a side note, a jukebox needle seems like the worst choice for this.

At a honky-tonk, where their boots stomp

Are people wearing boots, or are these boots stomping on their own? OH! Is this a haunted honky-tonk?? I want to go to there!

All night; what?

I’ll second that “what?” You have not said a complete thought. What’s all night? The ghosts?

(That’s right)”

Nailed it! I knew it was ghosts!

Yea, and what they call work, digging in the dirt

I just call work, work.

Gotta get it in the ground ‘fore the rain come down

Get what in the ground? The dirt? You don’t have to put dirt in the ground, it’s already there. If digging is your job I would’ve thought you’d know that by now.

To get paid, to get the girl
In your 4 wheel drive (A country boy can survive)

I’m honestly just confused now. You have to put the dirt that you dug up back into the ground before it rains? And if you don’t do this you won’t get paid? And if you don’t get paid you don’t get the girl? She seems a little catty if she won’t hang out with you unless you’ve been paid. I don’t know about her. Is the 4 wheel drive also a deal breaker? This girl is picky!

Yea the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer

Okay. That sounds nice. I’m with you.

Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

The super catty girl? 4 wheel-drive trucks? Be more descriptive! You are not painting a great word picture for me.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust”

Oh, there’s dust! So it didn’t rain then? Good! I do hope you got all your dirt put back after you dug it up for no reason.

The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

Are you praying because you’ve run out of red dirt road? You have a 4 wheel-drive, I think, you’ll probably be okay, unless you’re slowly careening towards a cliff. Which in that case I highly suggest you just flip a u and turn around.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t

HA! Legit isn’t something you say about backwoods. Silly Blake! They aren’t legit. They’re full of sharp rocks and ticks. Not legit at all. Also I’m going to have to argue with you here. Backwoods take A LOT poo. Animals live in the backwoods and they eat there, and sleep there and well, surely you catch my drift.

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

What?! Where’d you get tobacco? Where did this come from? This is right out of left field, Also, the Surgeon General says that can give you mouth cancer, just a warning

Aw heck
Red red red red red red redneck

Aww heck……I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Why are you stuttering all of a sudden?

Well the boys ’round here, they’re keeping it country
Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie
(You don’t do the dougie?) No, not in Kentucky

YouTube. It gives a fine example of how to do the Dougie. Expand your horizons you red red red red red red red red red red red rednecks. But wait, you can’t do it in Kentucky. How’s about Massachusetts? Alaska? Wyoming?

But these girls ’round here yep, they still love me

Whoa! Calm down there Rico Suave. I don’t love you. That’s a bold statement. Maybe check your facts before you say such conceited things

“Yea, the girls ’round here, they all deserve a whistle

Ahh, yes, every girl should have a rape whistle. I appreciate your support of woman’s safety.

Shakin’ that sugar, sweet as Dixie crystal

Is that like when Outkast told me to shake it like a Polaroid picture? Because as it turns out Polaroid strongly suggests you do NOT do that. Out of curiosity, is Dixie crystal, meth? I watched Breaking Bad and that sounds a lot like a name for meth. Don’t do meth kids.

They like that y’all and southern drawl
And just can’t help it cause they just keep fallin
‘”

Help them up!! And for goodness sakes get them to the doctor! If they keep falling they may have a serious medical problem.

For the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

Okay, well you already talked about all of this. I’m growing bored.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

If you’ve run out of red dirt road, just find another road dude. They’re literally everywhere. I can see like 5 roads right now just from right where I’m sitting.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t
Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

Again with the tobacco. It’s so abrupt. Why are you saying this? And why are you repeating yourself? We heard you the first time.

“Let me hear you say
(Ooh let’s ride)
(Ooh let’s ride)
Down to the river side

No….I’m not going to say that. I’m just not.

“(Ooh let’s ride…)”

No.

Hey now girl, hop inside
Me and you gonna take a little ride to the river

Where is there a river? Did the red dirt road run into a river?!? Can you swim?!? ARE YOU OKAY? May I suggest a pontoon? I learned a lot about them awhile back. They’re for red red red red red red rednecks.

Let’s ride (That’s right)”

I already said no twice. Perhaps the 3rd times a charm.

Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound

…..I get what you’re implying here and I am appalled.

We out of town

That’s because you didn’t listen when I told you to find another road when you ran out of the other one. Sigh….

Have you ever got down with
Red red red red red red redneck?

No.

“And do you wanna get down with
Red red red red red red redneck?

No.

Girl you gotta get down

No means no, man.

“With the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

Are the boys at the river/on the blanket with the crickets as well? You might need a friendship break from them. You seem a little clingy.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

I cannot stress this enough, just find another road.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t

I’m not even going to talk to you about this again. You are a terrible listener. They’re is so much sh*t in the woods it’s not even funny.

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

I don’t know of you’re attempting to peer pressure me into chewing tobacco, but I’m not going to. I’ve seen The Sandlot. They tried that and they vomited everywhere! That is not pleasant. I do not want to participate

(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)

What happened to your job? Why haven’t you gone back yet? You’ll never get paid at this rate.

I’m one of them boys ’round here
(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

I kind of already gathered that, why did you wait till the end of the song to let us know you’re one of the boys. I think in retrospect you should have stated that right from the get go.

(Ooh let’s ride)
Well all I’m thinkin’ ’bout is you and me, how we’ll be

That’s a little creepy. I don’t even know you!

So come on girl, hop inside
Me and you, we’re gonna take a little ride”

NO.

Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound

Do I need to break out that whistle you gave me earlier? You’re more than a little pushy.

We out of town
Girl you gotta get down with
Come on through the country side
Down to the river side

I’m not going to do any of those things with you. Ever. Creepy McCreeperson.

….while this song does contain every single important aspect of a country tune, I’m not sure it’s the ultimate country song. In fact, I’ll just say it, it’s not. It’s really just a terribly confusing group of words promoting the use of tobacco and getting frisky in the woods. I don’t know what Blake Shelton was thinking here. I’m very disappointed. I had high hopes for this one, but alas it did not make me love country music….sigh.

So in summary, if creepy pushy rednecks with trucks who chew tobacco are your thing, then boy do I have a song for you to hear!! If not, then may I suggest absolutely any other song ever?

But I did learn something, so this whole experience wasn’t a complete bust! Mr Shelton suffers from a stuttering problem. It seems to only affect his use of the word ‘red’ though, which seems odd, but I’m no speech therapist. I’d never guessed he had this struggle. He covers it up well in the public eye.

Yoga Relaxes the Mind and the Body…Unless You’re Amanda

I’ve been very busy as you can tell by my 1+ year hiatus from here. And when I say very busy, I really just mean I haven’t really been feeling creative and/or I’ve been putting my creative energies into other things and/or I forgot about this blog until someone said I should write a book today then I remembered it existed. But that’s not to say I haven’t used my hiatus very efficiently. I’ve done lots of things, lots and lots of things, for instance I’ve recently taken up the practice of yoga.

I’m not new to yoga, per say, in the sense that I’ve done yoga for several years on the wii fit. In Amanda’s world anything you do on the wii fit is real and totally helpful to your physical fitness. So naturally the transition process to what I now refer to as ‘real yoga’ went a bit like this “Yoga is so easy! I can definitely do yoga! I’m going to go straight to Target right now and a buy a dvd.” And that’s exactly what I did.

Many yoga dvd’s they have at the Target, many different kinds. Being that I’m not one to deny a challenge I chose to purchase the most difficult yoga dvd they had; Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown. I should have known better. The first sign that this was a bad choice was the “Jillian Michaels” part. The second would be the “meltdown”. As a newbie I should have chosen the dvd labeled solely “Yoga”, but I didn’t, because I’m Amanda, and I was convinced I was not a newbie.

I brought Jillian home, popped her right in the DVD player and got started, immediately I realized I was a newbie, I didn’t even have a yoga mat, I fell over at least 5 times and cursed just as many. Of course I went back to the store and bought a mat immediately because clearly the lack of a rubber foam beneath me was the reason I couldn’t do a downward dog. It had absolutely nothing to do with my completely lack of balance and flexibility. Since that evening I’ve spent many excruciatingly embarrassing months with Jillian before I finally threw up my white flag and admitted to being inflexible. Apparently yoga is supposed make you flexible and relaxed, not cause you to shout expletives. Who knew?

So I’ve finally moved backwards in my yoga endeavor, accepted my ‘yoga newbie’ title and downloaded Yoga Studio on my iPad.

Yoga Studio has many different classes you can do, ranging anywhere from beginner flexibility to advanced strength in which the first pose looks something like this:

Image
Obviously something along the lines of “HOLY POOP!” came out of my mouth when I saw that pose so I stepped it back into the intermediate range (clearly I’m still not fully accepting my beginner status) and chose the 60 minute intermediate flexibility class, thinking to myself, “Technically, not a beginner because I’ve been doing Jillian, I know how yoga works. Plus flexibility is mostly going to be stretches so I want to get all the physical fitness I can. I’ll go with an hour”

BAD CHOICE AMANDA!

From the beginning of the class I’m supposed to be focusing on only my breathing, clearing my mind, preparing myself for a deep 60 minute yoga experience. Nope. Not once was my mind clear. Not one time.

Here’s just a small sampling of the things I said and/or thought through my entire 60 minute session:

“Ha! Yeah okay”
“No, I’m not going to do that.”
“ARE YOU KIDDING?”
“Ummm….I think my leg is ripping in half.”
“Downward dog again?!?”
“@#$#!%”
“Corpse pose*! I’m good at this one!”
“No seriously, I really think my quad is ripping in half this time.”
“Yeah, no, I can’t do that.”
“If I could touch my toes, I wouldn’t need the flexibility class.”
“I wonder how often people release gas during the happy baby pose?”
“Holy crap it’s only been 30 minutes?!?! UGHHHH!!”
“I can’t breathe, my lungs are being crushed!”
“…..nope.”
“What if someone is taller than the yoga mat? Do they make extra long mats for those people.”
“Oh shoot! I’m supposed to clear my mind…..”
“I physically CANNOT do that!”
“Is she even a person?”
“Is her spine intact?”
“Ahhh how can I relax if I can’t breathe and my leg muscle has just torn apart?”
and finally
“Okay, that’ll be good. I’m done now.”

So, all that said, yoga is going well!! I’m super good at the ‘relaxing and letting my mind be free’ part as you can see. I should also definitely attend a public session, my comments would not disturb anyone I’m sure.

BUT I can touch my toes now and even balance on one foot while holding up the other as if I were a human pretzel. If that’s not yoga, I don’t know what is. I’d say I’m pretty close to being a professional yogi now and I’m even thinking of taking up a partnership with Jillian, if she’s willing of course.

Until my dvd deal comes through, I’ll just be over here trying to reach my toes to the back of my head without pulling a hammy!

*Image quite literally lying on the ground as if I were dead.

My Commitment to 2013

I’m sick.

I’m sick of the way this world is. I’m sick of insults being used as a joke, when in reality there is so much truth behind them (I’m guilty of doing this, as well as having been on the receiving end, it doesn’t feel great). I’m sick of seeing people being torn down by those they love and trust the most. I’m sick of everything being made into a political statement. I’m sick of people taking a stand for something they don’t know just to make waves. I’m sick of it.

I’m emotionally and mentally drained as I write this. I watch the kids I teach be torn down daily by their parents. Even 3 year olds are being beat down with words. It’s awful to see. The idea that if they mess up in any way, they’re no good. I see the shame they feel in their eyes. They should not have to deal with this. They should be carefree, they should be loving every second of life and living in a world of wonder and amazement, but they don’t. They live in the same world we do, the world where no one can be just ok, we have to be perfect. Today all I could do was watch as a child wept inconsolably because she had an accident. She felt like a failure. She knew ‘nana’ would be mad. She is not even 3. This makes my heart break.

When did love leave us? The purpose of relationship on this earth is to build one another up, to have a support system for when times get rough. Never should our relationships drain of us of our joy for life. Never should we feel afraid or feel shame to be with those who should be love to us. I’ve felt such a heaviness on my heart lately and it finally broke to the surface today. I broke down. I don’t see love in this world anymore. I don’t see compassion in this world anymore. I don’t see trust in this world anymore. We’ve become hard-hearted people. I don’t generally consider myself to be a pessimist so you’ll have to excuse me as this is all entirely pessimistic, but I’m so tired of it.

This world wasn’t created to be this way. It wasn’t made to make us sad. It wasn’t made to break us down. As I sit here I’m trying to think of something I said to lift someone up today, and I can’t think of a thing. I’m as guilty as everyone else for allowing myself to be made hard by the world. I hate that. I don’t want to be the reason for someone’s pain. I don’t want to contribute to the evil and sadness and downright awful world we live in anymore. I want to become a source of joy for people. I want to lift people up. I want to be the exception to the rule. And gosh darn it, if I can become that annoying peppy morning person I will.

I know I’m only one small blip on the map of the world, but I want to make a change. I want to bring love back to the forefront of this world.

Today I’m making a commitment:

Each day in 2013, I will try my best to not dwell on the negative and will focus only on the positive.

Each day I will do something to lift someone up, even if I’m having the worst day.

I’ll go ahead and send that silly text message because it can mean the world to someone. (I know, because I’ve been on the receiving side of those and they have changed my day more than some of you will ever know)

I want to start a revolution of love in this world. I don’t want to have tears in my eyes as I watch children filled with shame anymore.

I want to be a source of positivity.

I want to not be sick of what I see in this world anymore.

I want to make a change.

And for every negative Facebook post I write, you can all throw something at me. (You’ll be throwing things a lot at first, I’m sure) :)

And I expect you to hold me to this. If you see me growing hard, reel me back in. I need it.

Heaven Help Us

I’ll never understand, nor do I want to understand, what makes a person reach a point in which they feel the need to take the lives of others. Adult or child, it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s predetermined or in the heat of the moment I will never get it. Which is good I suppose, in the sense that I’ll never become a serial killer. But it makes things like what happened in Connecticut today, break my heart.

A man walks into a school and kills 26 people. 6 adults and 20 children. Kindergarteners. 5 years olds. He shot children. People who have not had a chance to live life yet. I’m in no way saying it would be better had he killed adults, but really? children? Parents dropped their kids off at school that morning, as normal. Little did they know, they were never going to see them again

I think this incident hit me harder than the others because of my job. As much as I complain about it, I love it. 6 little faces, depending on me daily for comfort from boo-boos and general entertainment. There are days when it stresses me and makes me crazy, but I cannot begin to fathom the thought of something happening to any of them. And I certainly cannot begin to comprehend what it must be like to be the parent of one of those children. These parents dropped their kids off at school thinking they’re doing the best they can for their kids. Thinking it’s a safe place, that nothing will happen. But even schools aren’t safe anymore.

First a movie theatre in Colorado, then a mall in Portland and now this, an elementary school. Something is not right in this world. People are quick to blame it on a lack of gun control. The idea that if people couldn’t own guns, this wouldn’t happen. I find that hard to believe. Clearly the people responsible for these tragedies are not rational beings. If they want a gun, they’re going to find a gun. It doesn’t matter what rules or laws exist, a way will be found.

This world is screwed up, plain and simple. I don’t understand these tragedies and I never will. There’s no reason or excuse for these things. The world and the people in it are broken. And that’s not going to change while we all argue about silly things. The solution? We need Jesus. We need love. I don’t know how we go about that, other than showing an outpouring of love to those around us. I’m not saying that I have the ultimate answer to keeping tragedies from occurring. In fact, I don’t. I put my shoe on the wrong foot earlier, obviously I’m not a great source of intelligence or knowledge.

All I really know is that we shouldn’t take a single second for granted because life is short and it is precious…and we need Jesus.

Amanda, The Social Interaction Expert

I know this will be very surprising to all of you, but I occasionally* do stupid things. Normally I carry myself with great poise and dignity but yesterday was a different story. Yesterday I made myself look a fool to a complete and total stranger who is now my new coworker. I don’t want to say that I made the best first impression ever, but guys I did it. I freaking did it.

You see, I have a problem where I don’t pay attention to things that are happening around me very well. My mind tends to wander, and often when my mind is wandering, people try to talk to me. This never ends well for me. 100% of the time I respond inappropriately. For instance I once ordered simply the color ‘black’ at Chipotle thinking they were asking about beans, when in reality they wanted to know what kind of meat I wanted. Black is not the proper response to that question. I would never, ever want black meat. That’d be gross.

Luckily when I respond like an idiot people tend to stare at me in a manner that shows that I responded like an idiot. Then I’m given a chance to try again. If I was never given a Mulligan, I would quite literally have zero friends and would have eaten a lot of really weird food. Yesterday though, I found a way to top all the stupid things I’ve ever done. I’ve hit my stupid peak and I can only get better from this point on….I hope.

Unfortunately stupidity was just oozing out of my pores yesterday. It all started at 6 am.

I had recently purchased a new pair of jeans. I was a big fan of these jeans. I tried them on the dressing room of the local Old Navy and they fit like a gem, so naturally I bout them and wore them the next day without properly washing them first. This was stupid mistake number one. These jeans were a dark wash jean, which while give a slimming look, do not do good things to you if you have not washed them. Around 9 am I looked down at my hands and I was turning blue. Not sort of blue, but blue enough that it looked like the circulation in my hands was no more. To the regular eye, I no longer had blood flow into my phalanges. Not the case, my new pants had given me a serious case of Smurf hands.

As I sat in my classroom at nap time making sure no children disappear in their sleep and slowly dying of boredom, my mind began to wander. I was trying to figure out how to remove the blue from my skin. Obviously the most logical thought I had was, “hey, maybe if I wipe my palms on my pants it will come off.” Nope. This was clearly the worst decision I could have made. Wiping off the blue on the object that provided the blue is really just going to make the problem worse. And it did. My hands were even more blue. As I stared at my hands contemplating my next move, someone I had only ever seen in passing stopped next to my classroom and struck up conversation with me. I was not prepared for conversation so my mind was not prepared for listening. You might even say my listening ears were not on. This girl said something that I’m sure was in American english but what my unprepared ears heard was this,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

As I don’t speak Klingon I did the logical thing and responded with this incredibly polite phrase,

“What?”

Stranger girl repeated herself. Unfortunately she was politely whispering since it was nap time so again I heard this,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

Not wanting to look like an idiot I decided to give a response this time. It was lunchtime so my brain decided she was asking about my lunch break. So I said,

“No. I already had my break.”

Based on the look I received I immediately knew she did not ask about that and my response was 100% incorrect. So she tried again,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

This time I was able to distinguish and name. A name that was not my name,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….Sally**?”

Sally was not my name so when someone is addressing you by not your name the response should obviously be,

“I don’t know.”

Again, based on the look, not a good answer.

“You don’t know who Sally is?”

Now, guys I know who Sally is. I know exactly who Sally is. And as it turns out, all this poor girl was trying to figure out was where Sally was currently located. After an incredibly long and awkward exchange, this stranger and I were on the same page. Unfortunately at this point the damage had been done. I had already burned the bridges of what could have become a wonderful friendship. But in an attempt to mend this never to exist relationship I directed her to Sally and she went on her way.

I assume she went on her way muttering something about the blue handed freak who doesn’t know her coworkers name and is 98% deaf. I know I would have, because let’s be real, I looked like a complete and total moron. I would definitely not be friends with me if I had participated in that interaction with me.

And she doesn’t even know that I managed to pocket dial someone with my iPhone just mere hours before. (btw: still not real sure how I did that, I don’t really want to talk about it, and I’ve been butthurt about it ever since) I’m sure that fact would only increase her opinion of me exponentially.

But really in retrospect, I’m actually pretty much the coolest and I’m really smooth and breezy and handled that situation like a charm. So you know, whatever, if you need any help with making new friends, call me. I’m really good at first impressions.

 

 

*And by occasionally I mean, all the time. Literally every single day.
**This name has been changed. Mostly because I wanted to do it.

Things To Yell At A Baseball Game

a baseball game

A baseball game. Duh.

If you’ve ever attended a baseball game you will understand what I’m about to say, if not, I’m sorry. Perhaps now you can use the time you were going to spend reading this to go do something more fun like play ping-pong. Unless you like to learn in which case, feel free to stay here and keep reading.

In baseball it is perfectly acceptable to shout things at the players. There are enough drunk people around that you can pretty much do whatever without anyone even thinking twice about it. You can taunt players about their inability to play baseball. You can say mean things about their moms, you can even tell them they have a large hindquarters. This is one of the few social settings in which you can feel free to shout whatever you want without any repercussions to your actions*. Shoot, you can even yell things at the umpires if you want. In fact I would highly recommend it if you find yourself growing bored.

Recently I attended a baseball game. This wasn’t just any baseball game, this was a Nashville Sounds Triple-A baseball game. Meaning, that there are approximately 27 people in the stand on any given night. And in this particular game there was very little action happening. And that’s when it happened. I was given the all important task of searching far and wide on the internet for things to yell at baseball games. And let me tell you, the options are scarce. When you take out all the “Jeter SUUUCKS!!!!” and “STEEEEEEEERRROOOOOIDDS!!”, you are left with very few choices. While shouting things like “I AM SATISFIED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE THUS FAR!” and “YOU COULDN’T HIT A COW WITH A SHOVEL!!!” are enjoyable, those two phrases will not last you a whole 9 innings. And that’s why I’m here, people of the world wide web. I’m here to offer suggestions of what would be quality things to yell at a baseball game. I’ve searched far and wide for the best of the best. It’s my little gift to you. You’re welcome.

Things To Yell At Players:

  • I’ve seen better swings on a porch
  • Hey! Too bad you aren’t as good at baseball as you are at being ugly!
  • I find you to be a subpar athlete!
  • My grandma could throw better than that!
  • I find your pitching to be lackluster, perhaps you are ill!
  • You should go back to Triple-A, try a little harder, gain some maturity, and come back to the majors in a year or two!
  • Your fielding is surprisingly poor compared to your teammate, yet still incredibly above-average as you are a professional baseball player and I am not!
  • It’s okay. You’re mom still loves you!
  • You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!
  • I wish my golf score was as good as your batting average!
  • The ball is that thing the catcher has!
  • Hey they killed a cow to make that glove, at least you could try to use it!
  • Is it in your contract to throw like a girl?

Things To Yell At Umpires:

  • Hey blue, if you had another eye, you’d be a cyclops! (you know, implying that he’s terrible at making calls thus assuming he has no eyeballs and the addition of a new eyeball would equal a grand total of one eyeball…..maybe in retrospect don’t use this one)
  • Turn around blue. You’re missing a good game.
  • That was a strike! You’re the worst umpire ever!
  • I thought only horses slept standing up!
  • If you’re just going to watch the game, buy a ticket!
  • I was confused the first time I saw a game too!
  • Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
  • WRONG!
  • You couldn’t call a cab!
  • The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!

Things To Yell Solely Out of Boredom:

  • BOOORING!!
  • Gooo baseball!!
  • Loud noises!!
  • (You could pretty much yell anything for this category. Use your imagination.)

Enjoy, my fellow baseball fans. This was all for you. If you find yourself at a sad, depressing baseball game, feel free to peruse this list and find something to spice your day up. And if nothing else, maybe it will get you kicked out of the game and then you’ll have a story to tell the grandkids about. What’s better than that?

*I actually don’t think that’s true. If you shout cusses you’ll probably get sent to baseball jail. I’m pretty sure it’s a place. I watch Seinfeld. Everywhere they go there’s a jail. Shopping malls, parking garages, they all have jails. So why wouldn’t a baseball stadium have a jail?

Freaking Angry Birds. Stop Ruining Our Nation

Let’s get real guys. America is a really weird place. We put sweaters on our pets, watch the Kardashian’s do absolutely nothing for hours upon hours, do the cha-cha slide and most of all, we fling stupid looking birds at round, green pigs.

Imagine if you were trying to explain the game Angry Birds to someone who had no idea what it was:

Angry Birds

Angry Birds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“What’s that game?”
“Oh. It’s Angry Birds.”
“What’s the point?”
“I’m trying to kill all those pigs because they took my eggs.”
“Those don’t look like birds….that one is triangular-shaped and that other one looks like a bomb.”
“Well, that’s because the bomb one explodes and blows up those wooden block and the triangle one can plow through the wood block.”
“But why do they need to?”
“To kill the pigs.”
“Those don’t look like pigs. Where are their legs?”
“I don’t know, I guess they’re obese and you can’t see their legs anymore.”
“But why are you trying to kill them?”
“Because they stole the bird eggs.”
“To do what with them?”
“Eat them I guess.”
“Pigs don’t eat eggs….”
“These do.”
“Why does killing the pigs get the eggs back? And why are they balanced so precariously on cliffs and blocks?”
“It just does. And because they hide the eggs there to keep the birds from getting them back.”
“Why do you have to use a slingshot? Don’t birds know how to fly?”
“Not these ones. They have tiny wings.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. They just do.”
“This game is stupid….why are they in space now?”
“Oh. This is the new game Angry Birds Space.”
“……..”
“Leave me alone. I’m learning physics and the value of perseverance.”
“Sure….What are those stars for?”
“You get stars when you win.
“For what?”
“Just for winning.”
“How do you get 3 stars?”
“By getting a really high score.”
“How do you get a high score?”
“You have to kill all the pigs with as few birds as possible. Then you win.”
“……”

Seriously though guys. Why am I so obsessed with this game? It’s the world’s most ridiculous game and I can’t stop playing. I’ve spent approximately all day long, playing the same levels over and over trying to get all 3 stars. I have a problem. And apparently so does the rest of the world as it’s always the number one downloaded game in the app store. It’s a brain numbing game and we’re all playing it. We’re slowly getting dumber as a nation and this game is at fault. Kids aren’t studying anymore, they’re playing Angry Birds. College students aren’t going to class…because they’re playing angry birds. And numerous grown adults are missing work because, you guessed it, those darn Angry Birds. It’s no wonder we have a terrible economy. We can’t stop flinging birds at round green pigs. We’re all going to turn into bloated parodies of ourselves while we sit and stare at our smart phones for hours on end and not a single one of us cares. Because it has sucked us in and we can’t stop. Ever.

But I don’t really care. I’m not going to stop until I get 3 stars on every level, I’m not. Because I am part of the Angry Birds problem.

Help. Me.