If you’ve ever attended a baseball game you will understand what I’m about to say, if not, I’m sorry. Perhaps now you can use the time you were going to spend reading this to go do something more fun like play ping-pong. Unless you like to learn in which case, feel free to stay here and keep reading.
In baseball it is perfectly acceptable to shout things at the players. There are enough drunk people around that you can pretty much do whatever without anyone even thinking twice about it. You can taunt players about their inability to play baseball. You can say mean things about their moms, you can even tell them they have a large hindquarters. This is one of the few social settings in which you can feel free to shout whatever you want without any repercussions to your actions*. Shoot, you can even yell things at the umpires if you want. In fact I would highly recommend it if you find yourself growing bored.
Recently I attended a baseball game. This wasn’t just any baseball game, this was a Nashville Sounds Triple-A baseball game. Meaning, that there are approximately 27 people in the stand on any given night. And in this particular game there was very little action happening. And that’s when it happened. I was given the all important task of searching far and wide on the internet for things to yell at baseball games. And let me tell you, the options are scarce. When you take out all the “Jeter SUUUCKS!!!!” and “STEEEEEEEERRROOOOOIDDS!!”, you are left with very few choices. While shouting things like “I AM SATISFIED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE THUS FAR!” and “YOU COULDN’T HIT A COW WITH A SHOVEL!!!” are enjoyable, those two phrases will not last you a whole 9 innings. And that’s why I’m here, people of the world wide web. I’m here to offer suggestions of what would be quality things to yell at a baseball game. I’ve searched far and wide for the best of the best. It’s my little gift to you. You’re welcome.
Things To Yell At Players:
- I’ve seen better swings on a porch
- Hey! Too bad you aren’t as good at baseball as you are at being ugly!
- I find you to be a subpar athlete!
- My grandma could throw better than that!
- I find your pitching to be lackluster, perhaps you are ill!
- You should go back to Triple-A, try a little harder, gain some maturity, and come back to the majors in a year or two!
- Your fielding is surprisingly poor compared to your teammate, yet still incredibly above-average as you are a professional baseball player and I am not!
- It’s okay. You’re mom still loves you!
- You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!
- I wish my golf score was as good as your batting average!
- The ball is that thing the catcher has!
- Hey they killed a cow to make that glove, at least you could try to use it!
- Is it in your contract to throw like a girl?
Things To Yell At Umpires:
- Hey blue, if you had another eye, you’d be a cyclops! (you know, implying that he’s terrible at making calls thus assuming he has no eyeballs and the addition of a new eyeball would equal a grand total of one eyeball…..maybe in retrospect don’t use this one)
- Turn around blue. You’re missing a good game.
- That was a strike! You’re the worst umpire ever!
- I thought only horses slept standing up!
- If you’re just going to watch the game, buy a ticket!
- I was confused the first time I saw a game too!
- Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
- You couldn’t call a cab!
- The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!
Things To Yell Solely Out of Boredom:
- Gooo baseball!!
- Loud noises!!
- (You could pretty much yell anything for this category. Use your imagination.)
Enjoy, my fellow baseball fans. This was all for you. If you find yourself at a sad, depressing baseball game, feel free to peruse this list and find something to spice your day up. And if nothing else, maybe it will get you kicked out of the game and then you’ll have a story to tell the grandkids about. What’s better than that?
*I actually don’t think that’s true. If you shout cusses you’ll probably get sent to baseball jail. I’m pretty sure it’s a place. I watch Seinfeld. Everywhere they go there’s a jail. Shopping malls, parking garages, they all have jails. So why wouldn’t a baseball stadium have a jail?