Category Archives: Music

I’m Sorry, But Are You Singing A Song About A Pontoon?

Just yesterday I was driving to work, when suddenly the most unsettling thing happened to me.

I was minding my own business, listening to the top country hits of today on WSIX The Big 98, and then it happened. A catchy Little Big Town tune started playing. At least it seemed catchy. My head may have even begun to bop along and then the magical voices in the radio began to sing.

“Back this hitch up into the water 
Untie all the cables and rope 
Step onto the astro turf 
Get yourself a coozie 
Let’s go”

Pardon me? What hitch? I only know of one hitch and that’s a movie starring Will Smith and Kevin James. Is that what you’re talking about? It was a pretty terrible movie, so I hope not. And AstroTurf? Are we playing baseball at the Rogers Centre in Toronto? They have AstroTurf. (FYI, my computer says you are spelling astro turf wrong. It should look like this AstroTurf) Coozie? Did you really just use the phrase, “get yourself a coozie” in a song, that’s being played on the radio? What the heck am I listening to?

“Who said anything about skiin’? 
Floatin’ is all I wanna do 
You can climb the ladder 
Just don’t rock the boat while I barbecue”

Um. No one said anything about “skiin”, as you call it. We’re talking about a terrible movie about matchmaking and playing baseball in Canada. This is your song, shouldn’t you be aware of this? Idiot. And what are we floatin’ on? Turf? You can’t float on turf, it’s made of plastic. Also what ladder are you climbing? Are we floating in the air? Is this song about doing drugs?? Oh. You’re in a boat. Now it all makes sense? (nope)

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Ok, so you’re on a pontoon. Which, since I’m clearly not as country as you, I looked up and it looks something like this: So needless to say I’m having a problem with the whole “catchin’ rays up on the roof” thing. There’s no roof here. I’m really starting to think this song is about drugs. Also if I jump out of the back are you going to stop “making waves”? I don’t want to be abandoned in the middle of the lake/ocean/river/wherever you are. Sure you’re partying in slow motion, but I’m not a real strong swimmer, I probably couldn’t catch up. Ummm….you’re ending the chorus with motorboatin’? That’s a bold choice there guys.

“(Who who who)”

I don’t know. I thought it was probably you guys, who were singing the song, but now I don’t know.

“Reach your hand down into the cooler 
Don’t drink it if the mountains aren’t blue 
Try to keep it steady as you recline on your black inner-tube”

Ok. So booze seems to be playing a role in this song. That definitely makes sense. Also did you get money from whatever beer company makes those cans with the mountains that turn blue? YOu should if you didn’t. But I’m confused. When did you get into a inner-tube? And is the cooler floating? Are you still…motorboatin’?

“Pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Yep. Still motorboatin’. Good to know.

“(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

If you don’t know, I’m certain that I have no idea.

“5 mile an hour with aluminum side 
Wood panelin’ with a water slide 
Can’t beat the heat, so let’s take a ride”

Wait. Your pontoon has a water slide? And wood paneling. Hold on. Let me google.
Ok. Yep, those are a thing. You must have spent a fortune on your pontoon. And I take back my rude comment about not having a roof. This one clearly has a roof. I apologize for assuming you were an idiot.

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
I’m out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin’”

So weird.

“On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who)”

Again, if you don’t know who’s on your pontoon, I’m sure I don’t. but you should probably not let strangers onto your pontoon.

“Back this hitch out into the water 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

Aaaand, now we’re back to a terrible Kevin James movie. Kevin James. Kevin James. I said KEVIN JAMES!! (see what I did there?)

This was quite literally the most confusing 3 minutes and 40 seconds of my life. Are these rednecks? Are they country singers? Is this actually a country song? The song had nothing about heartbreak or dogs in it, so ya, not a country song. Who wrote this and who told Little Big Town it wold be a a good idea to sing this? Someone here in Nashville has dropped the ball and let this one through. I’m pretty upset about this and I’ll probably be sending a forcefully written letter to them soon to let them know my opinion on the stupidity of this song.*

So I’m just going to save you some time. Don’t buy this song on iTunes. You’ll just be left with a confused look on your face and $1.29 less than you had previously.

[Turns out they just premiered the video on people.com today. If I had seen the video first, so many of my questions could have been answered. Also that blonde lady has HUGE hair. So anyway, if you're curious go here]

*Nope.

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Taylor Swift, Why Don’t Your Songs Make Sense?

Hi there Taylor Swift!

Can I call you T. Swift? (It doesn’t matter what your response is. I’m going to do it anyway) How is it going? Just living the dream huh? Singing your country* music and traveling the world I’m sure.

You are very popular here in Nashville. I mean, REALLY popular. Every time I turn on the radio, there you are. Sitting in a restaurant you’re there. Walking through Walmart, T. Swift flowing through the air. You are everywhere. I might even say you are haunting me. Even when I don’t hear you on the radio, I hear you in my head.

DARN YOU AND YOUR CATCHY LITTLE TUNES! These songs go with me everywhere, but you know what? They don’t make sense. Any of them. Are you aware of this fact? I know you probably didn’t write them and you just sing them, but these songs have virtually no point to them. Most recently I’ve had your darling little song, “Ours” stuck in my head. And you know what, that one makes the least sense of all of them.

Allow me to expand on this thought. These are the lyrics to your song. I will explain line by line why this does not make sense. Are you ready? Good! Here goes!

“Elevator buttons in morning air [What? Elevator buttons in the air, or on an elevator? This song is already starting out a little weird]
Strangers’ silence makes me want to take the stairs [What do you want the strangers to do T. Swift? Ask you obnoxious questions? Do you really want that? I don't think you do.]
If you were here we’d laugh about their vacant stares [That seems like a really rude thing for you to do. Why would you do that? Maybe you wouldn't have as many haters if you didn't laugh at strangers all the time]
But right now my time is theirs [What does that even mean? They're strangers. Why is your time theirs? I'm confused T. Swift]

Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves
They’ll judge it like they know about me and you [Wait. Are the disapproving people the ones on the elevator? Or are these just people in general? You need to be more specific]
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do [What verdict? Are we still on an elevator? When did we move to a courtroom?]
The jury’s out, my choice is you [The jury decided your choice for you? I thought you didn't like people judging you? The jury decided your choice was him? I don't understand you]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [That's a really weird way to describe someones mind]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. They don't. People don't throw rocks as a general rule. Do you even live in the real world with the rest of us? I never see people throwing rocks at shiny things. And what does this have to do with the jury of people who were in the elevator with vacant stares? This song is all over the place]
And life makes love look hard [Does it? I'm not sure you know what you're saying]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough ['Stakes are high' sounds like a poker analogy, but 'water's rough' seems like a boat analogy. Are you playing poker on a boat?]
But this love is ours [Okay, ya this makes sense. Good job on this one] 

You never know what people have up their sleeves [Usually arms. And magicians sometimes keep playing cards up there]
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me [Are these real ghosts? Or ghosts like bad decisions? If he has ghosts from his past why are you so obsessed with him. You seem to make bad choices in your love life. I mean you dated that werewolf that had the same name as you for a while. That was kind of weird]
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles [What? The ghost wear lip gloss? Wait...are these ghosts his former lovers? I think I"m catching what your throwing out now T. Swift!]
But I don’t care ’cause right now you’re mine [You can't own people! Slavery was outlawed. Ever heard of the emancipation proclamation? LOOK IT UP WEIRDO]

And you’ll say
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [So now your mind is pretty? You guys are a bunch of weirdos]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. THEY DON'T]
And life makes love look hard [I still don't think I agree with you here]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Still on that boat 'eh?]
But this love is ours [Alright. I won't take your love away]

And it’s not theirs to speculate [What's not theirs? And who are they? Why are your songs so nondescript?]
If it’s wrong and [Oh. Okay. If your love is wrong is what's not theirs to speculate. GOT IT!]
Your hands are tough [Get him some hand lotion. Problem solved]
But they are where mine belong and [Where your what belongs? Your hands? Weird] I’ll fight that doubt and give you faith
With this song for you [OOOHHHHH.....the song makes you feel better about your relationship. That makes so much more sense. (no it doesn't)]

‘Cause I love the gap between your teeth [Michael Strahan?]
And I love the riddles that you speak [Jim Carrey as the Riddler? You are not describing this boy as very appealing]
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored [The remarks might be necessary if the guy only speaks in riddles. That's a weird thing to do]
‘Cause my heart is yours [Literally? Good to know you're an organ donor]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [Weird]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Nope]
And life makes love look hard [It does not]
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [You just said this]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Stop repeating yourself. They don't do this!] But they can’t take what’s ours [This is true. That would be a felony]
They can’t take what’s ours [I said I agree. Why did you say it again?]

The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Poker on a boat is you guys' thing huh?]
But this love is ours [That's nice]“

[Wait. That's how the song ends? Did you marry the boy with the tooth gap and tattoos? And what was the shiny thing people were throwing rocks at? What were the stakes? Did the water every calm down? DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING HERE TAYLOR!! There is absolutely no closure here. Why are you this way? Ugh.]

And why is your guitar so freaking sparkly/shiny? I hope no one throws rocks at it.

See T. Swift? See? That song had no ending. I don’t know if the people throwing rocks broke the shiny thing. I don’t know if you and the riddler ended up together. I don’t know anything. All you really did was open up more mystery and questions for me. I dont’ like that. I like songs with distinct happy endings. Or even sad endings. As long as there is an ending I’m good. But your songs don’t have endings. And I am not okay with this. Work on that T. Swift. Give your songs closure and then maybe when they’re stuck in my head I won’t feel as if I would rather stab a q-tip into my ear than hear the song again. That’s what we all want anyway. For me to be happy.

 
*I’m not entirely sure why your music is considered country, other than all you sing about is love and heartbreak

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I’m A Chevy Cobalt Superstar!

I don’t know if you guys know this about me or not, but I’m a really talented singer. And I mean really, really talented. I’m like Adele. Except I don’t have the heartbreak and I’m not scorned by a lover, but I sound like her. Almost exactly.

Today I did my best rendition of “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry. Let me tell you, I SANG that sucker. And I sounded REALLY GOOD. And just the other day, I was channeling my inner Underwood and belting out Cowboy Casanova. I was rocking that one too.

I’m not normally one to toot my own horn, but ‘toot toot’, I’m a pretty phenomenal singer. I can carry a tune in a bucket AND out of a bucket. (I’m not really sure what I mean by that, but go with me here) It could be the Nashville music scene is sinking into my pores and making me great, or maybe it’s just my natural talent, but I’m really good you guys. I can’t wait to be discovered and get a record contract. Then you all can say you knew me when.

Unfortunately there is a problem. You see, I don’t sing where people can hear me. I only sing in my car. And only when I’m alone in my car. No one will ever know the talent I possess. Unless I sing loud enough that the people in the cars next to me can hear…that would be embarrassing, I hope that doesn’t happen. Although I’m pretty sure they can see me singing…maybe I should reconsider my car singing career. But then I would never get any better. It’s a real dilemma I have here.

I’m very shy so I don’t want anyone to know how great I truly am, musically. But my car, oh the stories he could tell you (His name is Kyle, after the salesman who sold it to me. Naming my car after the salesman is not weird…you’re weird). If he was like Kit from Knight Rider, we’d be good and he could tell everyone how great I am, but alas, he doesn’t speak. (PS. why don’t cars speak yet, this is the 21st century). But I don’t like all the attention on me and if everyone knew how fantastic I was, they would never leave me alone. I don’t want young men throwing themselves at me*. No thank you! I guess I’m stuck with no one ever knowing the true talent I have.

I’ll just have to settle for being a Chevy Cobalt superstar for now. I’ll keep singing to Kyle until he learns how to talk. Then he’ll start blabbing to everyone about how talented I am and I will catch my big break. It might be a few years, because who knows when my car will become self-sufficient and develop the ability to speak, but that day is coming. It is coming. I will be the next Adele. Just you wait!

*Yes I do. I need a husband.

[Editors note: Amanda is actually a really terrible singer. That's why she's only allowed to sing in her car. Something about the acoustics inside Kyle, however, make her think she sounds good there and only there. Just leave her alone okay? let her have this little joy in life of thinking she's good at singing in her car. Leave her alone you bullies!]

[2nd Editors note: Amanda is the editor. She's kind of a moron. And she thinks she's funny. She's also the only one who thinks this. Please forgive her/me for this post. As long as Amanda entertains herself we consider it a successful day.]

Amanda, The Country Music Star: Second Try

A couple days ago I decided to write a country song. It was a near disaster. I tried my darnedest, but, man I don’t know how to rhyme. So since I’m currently unemployed and stuff, I spent way too much time just now making the song rhyme better. I’m really not joking either. I used a rhyming dictionary and even googled song rhyming schemes. I really, really, need a job you guys.

However I think with all my extra effort I have pushed this song to another level now. Maybe even platinum record level. Because, you know, I’ve mentioned booze, Jesus, farming, daddy, mama, rain, a church. There’s heartbreak and then the heartbreak is fixed and marriage occurs. I removed the mention of pig farmers, because that was just weird. What else does a country song need? I mean really.

I’m feeling good about my second draft. You can find the first draft here, if you need a reference to how this terrible song can be better than the previous one.

Bobby Ray and Me
*any similarities to real life situations or people are purely coincidental, as I know absolutely no one named Bobby Ray.

“Bobby Ray had his eyes peeled,
Drivin’ in the corn field.
Daddy tried to warn me about him,
But I had to act upon that whim.

He was drinkin’ Sasparilla with, Little Joe.
I knew it was love, who-o-o-a!
They knew he’d break my heart that day,
He’s a wandering dog, they’d say.
But who’d guess he’d wander right to me.
I guess I like his smell too much to stray.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well Bobby Ray broke my heart,
I guess I weren’t that smart.
A bottle of Jack my only friend
Not even my dog could pretend,
I was ok.
I’d begun to stray.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I walked into the country church,
Nestled under the Silver Birch.
And I found Jesus.
I dropped the bottle that day.
There’s no way I could delay,
I started to frolic,
I was no longer alcoholic!

I love you Bobby Ray,
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I saw him walking in the rain,
to his mama’s house on main.
He said, ‘I’m sorry, I tried to warn you,
Of what I’d put you through,
I’m a wandering dog, you can’t tie me down.
But because of you, I can’t skip town.’
I said, thanks for breaking my heart,
I’ve been falling apart.
Bobby Ray got down on one knee
And then he said, I’d like for you to be.
My love come true.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville.

Well whod’ve guessed.
We’d be married today!

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
In my heart.”

That was a little better huh?

I’m probably still going to send it to Taylor Swift. (Mainly because I don’t think she really reads lyrics before she agrees to sing them. Have you guys heard her songs?? They don’t even make sense. And all she does is whine in them. But that’s a digression.)

Mean (song)

See. Taylor Swift is a weirdie.

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Amanda, The Country Music Star

English: American country musician Brad Paisley.

Image via Wikipedia

I haven’t always been a country music fan. (Or maybe I have I just wouldn’t admit it if I was asked) But since moving to Nashville, it’s basically the only thing they have. Just country music.

Everywhere. Walk outside and there’s always a faint honky tonk in the wind. (this is a lie) Every person I walk by is singing/whistling/humming the newest Dolly Parton hit (this is also a lie).

Basically, what I’m saying is, if I want a career, I have to become a country music star. Unfortunately I don’t know how to play guitar, or sing, or wear a cowboy hat appropriately. So obviously my only other option is to write hit songs for the likes of Taylor Swift and Brad Paisley to sing.

Here’s my first try at a country song. Let me know what you guys think.

Bobby Ray and Me
*any similarities to real life situations or people are purely coincidental, as I know absolutely no one named Bobby Ray, nor have I ever been in a corn field with pig farmers

“I met him in the corn field. He was ridin’ on his tractor.
I can still smell the pig farm on him.
He was drinkin’ Sasparilla with his bud, Little Joe.
I knew it was love, right when I smelled him
The pig farmers tried to warn me,
They knew he’d break my heart that day.
He’s a wandering dog, they’d say.
But who’d guess he’d wander right to me.
I guess I like his smell too much to say…goodbye.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well Bobby Ray broke my heart,
A bottle of Jack became my only friend
Not even my dog could make me,
Happy
I was getting worse everyday.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Last week I reached rock bottom.
I walked into the country church,
And I found Jesus
I dropped that bottle right there that day.
Bobby Ray ran me right into Jesus’ arms
I’m not an alcoholic,
Anymore!

I love you Bobby Ray,
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I saw him the other day at his mama’s house.
I remember what he said to me there
He said, I’m sorry, I tried to warn you,
I’m a wandering dog, you can’t tie me down.
I said, thanks for breaking my heart,
But I still love you….and your smell.
And then he said, he loved me too.
I guess I knew that smell, was love come true.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well whod’ve guess.
That smell of pigs,
Would draw me to him.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
In my heart.
And I love, your smell”

This is obviously the perfect country song. I mentioned love, heartbreak, then love again, a tractor, a dog, rain, stars, Nashville, someone named Bobby Ray, Little Joe and a mama. As I wrote it I thought all the words in a nasally voice. I touched on every ingredient for a hit country song. Everyone can relate to it. I’m sure of it.

Sure it needs a little tweaking. This is just the first draft. The rhythm is all off, the lyrics are incredibly stupid and don’t make any sense, but otherwise it’s a Grammy award winner. I’ll work on it some more tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even break out the old rhyming dictionary.

Actually no, I’ll probably just go ahead and mail it like this to Taylor Swift tomorrow. She’ll sing pretty much anything.

(Thanks to Edrevets for pointing out my serious neglect of Jesus and alcohol in this country western song. As for the rest of you…well I’m mad at all of you for not letting me know I had failed so terribly.)