Tag Archives: Peyton Manning

Tim Tebow, I Have the Proposal of a Lifetime for You!

Hey there Timmy!

How’s life been post-season? It was probably going pretty well until today I’m sure. You know, what with the whole “Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos” stuff. That’s pretty unfortunate for you. I’m sure you’ve probably shed a few tears. You’re a sensitive guy. I totally get that and I totally appreciate a man who can cry.

So you’re basically out of the job, huh? That’s a pretty stinky deal. I was sure John Elway liked you, but I guess not. So…got any plans now that you are no longer the Broncos starting QB? If the answer is “nothing” I’ve got quite the solution for you my friend.

Move to Nashville! Become the Titans quarterback. Sure we got Matt Hasselbeck and Jake Locker, but I have a plan to get them out of the way. (I have a plan for everything!) Hasselback is getting kinda old so every time you have a conversation with him just mention his age. Eventually he’ll become really self-conscious about it and he’ll just up and retire. As for Locker, you’ll have to fist fight him for the starting role once Hasselbeck is out of the way. The winner of the fight gets to be the Titans starter. You have really large biceps, so I’m pretty confident that you could take Locker. I’m not worried at all about that.

I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “But Amanda, the Titans aren’t that great. Why would I want to go play for them?” Well, Timmy. They are actually not terrible. In fact I might say they were better than your Broncos were. They even finished 2nd in their division right behind the Texans. They just got a raw end of the deal when it came to being a wildcard and thus, did not make it to the playoffs. You and your Broncos got lucky over and over again and that is why you made it to the playoffs. I’m okay with the luck though Timmy. Luck is alright in my book! (I’ll even show you my lucky turkey socks if you want to see how into luck I am.) Plus I think we could use some of your Tebow charm here with the Titans. No one seems to care a lick about them. If you were here EVERYONE would care. You’re very popular, if you didn’t know.

If you moved to Nashville not only would you get to be a starting quarterback*, but you would get the opportunity to meet a whole new group of people, or as we call them here, Nashvillians.

Timmy, I would be honored to become your very first Nashville friend. I’ll take you to the Grand Ole Opry. I let you look at the Batman building with me. We can even eat at Baja Burrito together! And if you really want to we can play bocce ball and ladder ball in my backyard. (We’d have to watch out for dog poo, but that’s the price you pay for being my friend. Dog poo is everywhere out there) Wouldn’t that be the best Timmy? We could become best friends!! The idea of being best friends with you excites me and I’m sure the prospect of being my best friend excites you just as much.

So let’s recap here:

Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos
You are out of the job
Move to Nashville
Become Titans 3rd QB
Convince Hasselbeck to retire
Beat Locker in a fist-fight
Become Titans starting quarterback
Make everyone in Nashville care about the Titans
Become my best friend
Live the best year of your life here in Nashville with me!! (And possibly fall in love with and marry me, but only if the best friend thing works out first)

I think that about covers it all. That is probably the best looking offer you will be receiving so if I were you’d I just go ahead and take it now. No one else will be offering my friendship as part of your contract. So ya, you better take it before I offer it to Kyle Orton.

I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Have a great day!

Sincerely,
Your soon to be best friend, Amanda

 

*Barring the retirement of Hasselbeck and you winning your fist-fight with Locker

 

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Amanda Watches Football

I bet you guys have been sitting up at night wondering, ‘What is it like to watch sports with Amanda? I bet it’s incredibly insightful and she always has really intelligent things to say.’

Well you know what guys. It’s true. I do have lots of things to say while watching football. And just because I like you, I’m gonna go ahead and write down some of the more insightful things I say so it’s like you were here with me the whole time.

Ready? Well, then let our football journey commence…NOW:

“LET’S GO PENGUINS! LET’S GO!!” (Ok, so football hadn’t started yet. But the Penguins/Capitals hockey game appeared on the screen when the tv was turned on and who am I to turn off a hockey game?)

“You guys this game’s probably on because these teams are rivals!”

“Too bad Sidney Crosby’s not playing but his brain is broken.”

“That Ovechkin guy is missing a front tooth.”

“Guys! What if this goes into overtime? How can we watch football? NO! You can’t change the channel!”

“AAACK!” (someone almost scored)

“That one looks like a Bash Brother!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” (the channel got changed to football)

Ok. Now to the Patriots and Ravens:

“Wow. This game almost for real started on time!”

“The Raven’s are wearing purple. What are they? Girls?”

“Chum almost blocked that punt. His last name is Chum. What in the world? Isn’t that what whales eat?”

“Go Patriots! Beat the Ravens, Beat the Ravens. BEAT THE RAVENS!” (I’m basically a really good cheerleader)

“Hey! Fix your shoulder pad guy!”

“That’s the second time they’ve done that those guys. They should stop doing it now.” (in reference to punting)

“You guys. Why aren’t there dancing robots on this channel? That’s stupid”

“Uh oh! Uh oh! Those ones are fighting!”

“RUUUUN!!!”

“Tom Brady. There is no sun. Your eye black is unnecessary. Did Gisele not tell you?”

“Mah ha! Ravens penalty!”

“Stupid Gronkowski!”

“I miss Tim Tebow!”

“Oh. I didn’t see the Patriots score……..WOOOO!!”

“No napping! This is football day!”

“What kind of a name is Flacco? And why’s he got that ridiculous mustache? I hope they lose solely because he looks like a dweeb.”

“Uh oh! Interception. TOM BRADY!! I don’t think those words he just said are appropriate for church.”

“Is Ray Rice related to Jerry Rice?….I SAID, IS RAY RICE RELATED TO JERRY RICE? Wait….First, is Jerry Rice black? Ok…then is Ray Rice related to him? Jerry Rice is a person right? Never mind. I’ll just Wikipedia it. Nope. Not related guys”

“Uh…why’s that guys fanny pack on his bum?”

“I wonder if Flacco and Chum hang out a lot and talk about their stupid names? Probably not though cause they’re on different teams huh?”

“MEH! Tom Brady! Helmet hair! HA!”

“I do a lot of fake field goals to score a touchdown on my iPhone game. I ALWAYS score. They should definitely do that in real life.”

“CBS is America’s most watched network but I don’t watch any shows on…oh I watch that. And that one too.”

“Ooop. You’ve redeemed yourself Gronkowski!”

“UUUMMMM. That guy pulled a helmet off the other guy!”

“YAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! TOM BRADY!!!!!!!!” (I only know quarterbacks. No matter who scores, I cheer for the quarterback)

“I’m a little bit scared of the one’s with tinted….AAH STEVEN TYLER…the ones with tinted face mask shields are creepy.”

“Umm all the people they just listed as being at the pro-bowl are no longer in the playoffs. Maybe they’re NOT that pro guys.”

“I can see that guys BELLY! FIX YOUR JERSEY!”

“He tries to squirt through? What in the world? WHO SAYS THAT? Who’s this announcer?”

“Oh guys. It’s Ray Rice’s birthday. They just said so. I still want him to lose, mainly cause he’s a Raven.”

“Why does Tom Brady have Beiber hair? His wife’s a model. She should definitely fix that you guys.”

*I got stuck in a deep Wikipedia vortex at this point and didn’t get out of it until the second half had already started. I’m really diligent at football you guys*

“Gronkowski is a GIANT. Not a New York Giant. That games later. He’s just really big looking.”

“You guys! I really hope they get into a hockey fight! That would be IMPEKKABLE! See what I did there? Pekka is a hockey player. Hockey fight being impekkable…ha…..ha. Leave me alone….don’t look at me.”

“Patriots carry muskets. Muskets kill ravens. Hello! Survival of the fittest.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Just go for it. It’s only one yard! Just run fast you goons!”

“Some guy got an eye injury. Maybe he should wear a visor just like those one guys who look like they’re moms still pick out their clothes for them.”

“Pretty sure that guys ‘GET LOUD’ sign is only facing the field and not the crowd. The players probably won’t get loud. Maybe they will though. But mostly I don’t think they can even see that sign. Why do people take signs to games? That’s a weird tradition. Oh ya…football. Back to that.”

“The Ravens pants look WAY tighter than the Patriots. What is that about?”

“NO. NOT A TOUCHDOWN. NOT A TOUCHDOWN. NOT A TOUCHDOWN. NO!! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME?? I SAID NOT A TOUCHDOWN. STUPID RAVENS!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT A TOUCHDOWN! YOU’RE ON MY LIST REFEREE!”

“I hate the Ravens.”

“OOOH! RUN TOM BRADY!!”

“AH POOP. Gronkowski is broken!”

“WOOOOOO!!! Tom BRADY!!…………SHUT UP ANNOUNCER! His knee wasn’t down! IT COUNTS. LEAVE IT ALONE YA BUMS! IT’S A TOUCHDOWN!………………AAAAAAH! YOU FLIP-FLOPPER!! STUPID REF.”

“I’m not sure if Tom Brady is flapping his arms for the Angels in the end-zone or because he thinks the crowd is too loud. Either way he looks precious.”

“Oh! He just intercepted that….I think? Ya ya, he did.”

“Pizza? Peyton Manning’s eating pizza on that commercial. I want pizza. You guys want pizza?”

“Wait! The Ravens re-intercepted the ball. That’s stupid. I hate the Ravens.”

“BOO RAVENS! TACKLE THAT GUY…AaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!!”

“MMMMMMMMWHAT ARE YOU DOING GRONKOWSKI!!” (turns out I yell a lot towards the end of a game)

“NO BRADY! WE DON’T WIN GAMES WITH INCOMPLETE PASSES. ASK TEBOW. I’m sorry that was mean. Sorry Tim Tebow. I didn’t mean it. I still love and support your endeavors. If I ever meet Tim Tebow in real life I’ll have to apologize for that, like right away.”

“THIS GAME IS STUPID. STUPID STUPID RAVENS. STUPID!”

“Hahahaha That stupid Raven tackled himself! GOOD.”

“Icky! No overtime please!”

“TACKLE FLACCO! TACKLE FLACCO! TACKLE FLACCO!!”

“AAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! PATRIOTS WIN! GO TOM BRADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“That Raven who missed that field goal probably is gonna go jump off a bridge now. So that’s kinda sad….but HA. SUPER glad they lost.”

There you have it guys. The most interesting things I said and/or thought in the last 3 1/2 hours while sitting on my couch. If you DVR’d that game go ahead and re-watch it while reading my commentary for the full multimedia experience. That’s what it’s like to watch a football game with Amanda. You can be sad that you’ve never experienced this in real life. Because it IS really pleasant.

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