Welp gang! It’s now 2012. And I, Amanda Badley, have been unemployed since August. So in the spirit of a new year I’m hoping to join the sad melancholy work force of this here great nation ‘MERICA. (Also my checking account is very rapidly decreasing as my school loans, car payment, and Ron Phon [my sponsored child] are all taking away money instead of giving it to me. JERKS.)
I went with the obvious job search location, the List that Craig put together. That’s right, I went to Monster.com. (SIKE! It was totally Craig’s List!!) I found many fantastic job opportunities awaiting me in that wonderland of blue links.
I thought I would trial run my application process here before I do it for real so, here goes.
Dear Sir or Madame.
I saw your posting on Craig’s list and….um…yes please! I like to drive and I can do it designated-ly. You designate me and I’ll be there. As for the need to speak Spanish, well see, I recently got a smartphone. And I mean it is really SMART. When I need to speak Spanish I’ll just use my handy-dandy translator app and hone my skills. I’m an incredibly responsible driver. I’ve only been in one wreck and that’s only because some drove right into the front of my car. So, in conclusion I feel I am incredibly qualified to be your teenage daughters designated driver. I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Dear Egg Donor Place,
Hello, I am a 22 year old college graduate. Also I am a female, therefore I assume I have eggs. I’m white, which is most likely one of the ethnicity’s you consider to be ‘all’. Now when you say college educated, do you mean I have to remember everything I learned, because I don’t. I just really don’t. All that information has been sent away to make room for hockey statistics. I hope this will not be a problem because I have a diploma to prove my education and I will show it to you SO FAST, if that’s what you want. Once I recieve my $5,000-$10,000 dollars will I be responsible for the child if it comes out dumb? I don’t want that on my conscious. I just want my money. If my egg makes a dumb baby I don’t want to know about it, okay? So in conclusion. I have eggs and I am educated, I would be a great choice for this job.
I saw your ad on Craig’s List for a medical study that would pay me money. I like money that was the first reason I clicked the link. But then I realized I would be PERFECT for such a study. I have emotions and a strong need for attention!! I’m so needy! That’s why I use so many exclamation points! To express my emotions and because I’m shouting everything so that I will be heard and receive attention!! I’m sure if you asked my friends or family they would tell you that I’m crazy, but that’s not a real medical diagnosis therefore I have no psychiatric problems. I’m also 22 and don’t do drugs. Unless Mucinex counts because I took some of that for my chest congestion the other day. But here’s hoping it doesn’t! I also graduated high school. Those 4 years were full of emotions and attention! I guess what I’m trying to say here is I LOVE ATTENTION AND EXPRESSING MY EMOTIONS! Let’s work together Vanderbilt. We’re a match made in heaven!
All My Love,
That’s enough job searching for today. What do you think guys? Are those good cover letters? Will I get a job? I don’t do well applying for things.