What’s in a Name? Um, Only EVERYTHING.

Every single person’s identity begins with their name (which makes sense as it is in fact, you know, your identity). Every single name also holds a certain unwritten connotation to it. For instance name your kid Apple, and well, we’re all going to think you’re kind of fruity. (Ha Pun!). Name your kid Hubert, we’re going to assume he’s a nerd (or 95 years old). Since the beginning of time parents have been inadvertently choosing the futures of their children at their birth, through the simple choice of a name.

“This seems like a bold statement, Amanda.”

Oh ya? Don’t believe me? Well let’s explore this a little.

Does this look like a Skip Schumaker?
Or does this?

If you chose the first picture, you’re obviously a liar because no one thinks Skip Schumaker is a scientist name. Skip Schumaker is clearly the best baseball name that has ever existed. You don’t call your kid Skip and not expect him to do something athletic.

Does someone named Landry Jones resemble this?
Or is Landry Jones this guy?
If you did not get this one right, I just don’t even know what to say. The top picture is clearly Landry Jones. How is someone not going to be a quarterback if his name is Landry? I mean seriously? Landry Jones does not grow up to become Donut Man. Rob Evans does. (Because Rob is a Donut Man kind of name)

Next. Is this a Cal Clutterbuck?

Or is this?
I hope you chose the first picture because if you think someone named Cal Clutterbuck is a successful businessman, well I’m worried about you. Cal Clutterbuck is most definitely a hockey player name. (With some serious dapper dan hair)

This next one is tricky. Think carefully before you answer.
Is this Steve Urkel?
 Or is this Steve Urkel?
I know what you’re thinking. “That’s the same person. He’s just wearing suspenders and glasses in one picture.” FALSE. Photo 1 is Steve Urkel. Urkel is an obvious nerd name. The second is Stefan Urquelle. Urquelle is clearly the name of suave womanizer. Just look at them. Their names make sense. Steve’s the nerd, Stefan the womanizer.

See what I mean? Those are just a few of the many, many examples. If someone is given a nerd name at birth, they grow into that nerdhood against their own will. It just happens. If they’re given a baseball name, they have to play baseball. There is no other option. I’m sure there is a scientific explanation for why this works. But I wasn’t given a scientist name, so I wouldn’t know. (You’ll have to ask an Albert)

I was unfortunately given a very neutral name. I could have been named Petunia or Bruhnhilda. But I was given the name Amanda. It’s a little bland. Amanda Badley. That’s what I’ve got to work with. Obviously I’m bound to a life of mediocrity. Maybe if my parents had named me something like, Persephone (Just Persephone, no middle or last name) I would be a pop singer in Europe. Or had I been named Gretchen Jones Badley I could have dropped the last name and been Gretchen Jones, famous mystery novel author. But alas, I’m stuck with Amanda. (thanks MOM)

So moral of the story is, name your children carefully. If you name your daughter Ginger, she’s not going to become a diplomat (and she’s definitely going to have red hair). If you name your son Spike, he’ll for sure become a member of a bike gang. Watch yourselves guys. You choose your child’s profession with a simple signing of a birth certificate.

Now if anyone needs me I’ll just be here sinking into my mediocrity as I pin on my name-tag that reads “Amanda” in plain black letters, headed to my job at the food court Pretzelrama.*

*I don’t really work at the Pretzelrama. I’m sure that’s a very respectable job however. If anyone works at place called Pretzelrama I’m real sorry for implying that your job is mediocre in any way. People love pretzels so your job is actually really important.

Related articles

• Skip Schumaker ‘Rally Squirrel’ Topps card sells for $600 on eBay (offthebench.nbcsports.com)
• Skip Schumaker’s baseball card is pretty awesome (hardballtalk.nbcsports.com)