Dear Tom Brady: A Formal Request

Dear Tom Brady,

Hey Tom. Can I call you Tom? I’m writing to you not only as a concerned football fan but also a concerned American. Now I don’t know if you know this about yourself but you’ve been in the news a lot recently. I’d like to say that this is because you’re playing in the ‘big game’ this coming Sunday. (You do know that when I say the ‘big game’ I mean the Super Bowl right? I’m not sure how far you went in your education. Sometimes I worry you’re not very smart) Unfortunately, I don’t believe your trip to the Super Bowl is the main reason you have been popping up on the Yahoo so often.

I’m don’t know if you’re much of a reader, but you should know the New York Post has been writing some things about you. Remember that one press conference where you said, “We have the greatest fans in America. You guys have proved that year in and year out with your support. I wish I could take all you guys to Indy with us. We’re going down there, and we’re going down there for one reason. We’re going to give it our best and hopefully we have a lot more people at our party next weekend”? Well apparently to the New York Football Giants fans this sounded a lot more like “The Patriots are the best team that has ever existed. We are going to go to Indianapolis and we are going to pound Eli Manning and his fellow Giants into tiny dust particles. Then we’ll have all of our fans come out and dance on their graves with us.” and then they did this:
Now I won’t lie to you here Tom. I’m not your biggest fan. I can’t really explain why (at the moment it’s mainly because of your Beiber haircut), I am however on your side in this issue. I’m pretty sure you were not actually talking trash or taunting anyone in this instant. So on behalf of America, I’d like to apologize for that. But maybe if you’d just stay away from the media we could avoid these little mishaps, ok? I got your back on this one but I don’t really want to find myself on your side again.

Next issue. You know how you’re married to that supermodel lady, Gisele? Well I think you need to know this about her. She might be crazy in the head. She’s recently sent out an email to your friends and family, soliciting their prayers and positive thoughts as you prepare yourself for the ‘big game’. And well, this email was a little sappy. I haven’t seen said email myself, but an excerpt from it has made its way onto the world wide web. Your lovely wife says, “I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time… So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.” That’s kind of weird right? First of all, did you know she calls you Tommy? You don’t really strike me as a Tommy. Secondly has she been hanging out with all the crazy Tebow fans? Does she know that praying doesn’t win football games? You should probably talk to her about that ‘Tommy’. Tell her to stop sending emails about positive thoughts. She’s kind of making you look a fool.

And lastly, Tommy, you seem to have made the entire city of Buffalo angry. You started out really well talking about how your dad is super supportive and would come to your games in Buffalo to watch you play. Then it went downhill really fast when you said, “I don’t know if you guys have ever been in the hotels in Buffalo, but they’re not the nicest places in the world. But he would still travel to those.” Um, Tommy. This was a stupid thing to say. Maybe you’ve been hanging out with your spazzy wife, Gisele, too much, but if you’d like to have football fans you should probably not insult entire cities. Also, you’re an NFL quarterback right? Ok. So you get paid on average like a bazillion times more than the rest of America. If the hotels in Buffalo are so terrible find your dad a hotel in a neighboring city that is the ‘nicest place in the world’ and pay for his cab to drive back to Buffalo, ‘not the nicest place in the world’, so he can watch you play football. That’s just a simple thought I had. You don’t have to listen to me. But then again, I don’t have whole cities hating me so maybe you should. I do not have your back on this one Tom. You’re on your own. Maybe Gisele can send her positive thoughts to Buffalo and then they won’t hate you as much. You should probably have her do that.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here, “Tommy”, is that America is beginning to hate you, and your wife. It’s not necessarily all your fault. I think the problem is that you keep speaking. Somehow, everything you say is insulting people. So on behalf of America I’d like to formally request your silence in the media until after you play in the ‘big game’ on Sunday. If you and your Patriots win I will reward you by giving you back your talking tokens. If Eli and the Giants win, no more talking tokens for you and I’m taking away Gisele’s too.

Welp, good luck on Sunday Tommy. I’ll be rooting for this guy!

Eli Manning during a 2007 training camp

Image via Wikipedia

Amanda (And the rest of America probably)


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