Amanda Watches Football: The Big Game

The Super Bowl.

An American tradition, dating back to 1966. (I had to Wikipedia this fact, because Roman numerals are stupid and I can’t read them) A day where Americans divide against one another as if this day were another part of the civil war. Team loyalties are chosen, chicken wings eaten and chips dipped in queso. Today Americans will sit on their couches for hours. They will have what seems to be a case of football Tourette’s as they yell things like “COME ON ELI!!” and “HOW CAN HE MISS THAT? MY GRANDMA COULD CATCH BETTER THAN THAT!” I will be one of those people yelling at my TV. I will yell at the players and tell them what to do as if I know how football works. I will get angry when they do not catch the ball as if I could do it myself.

In honor of today’s big game I invite you to another edition of Amanda Watches Football: The Big Game Edition. Remember how much fun we had a couple weeks ago watching the Patriots and the Ravens play? (If you don’t remember go here to refresh your memory, if you do remember and didn’t enjoy it then I will strongly suggest you stop reading right now because most likely I will annoy you) This is the “Big Game” guys, so I myself, will up my game as well. I will offer my super accurate and mostly correct opinions as we watch Super Bowl XLVI together. It will be the best time you guys. Let us journey together in watching Eli, Tom and beer commercials.

Check back often. I say really smart things!! (Oh, and as it turns out my brother is doing this: Super Bowl XLVI: The Best Live Blog to Ever Live. That’s sure to be a rip-roaring good time as well)

Pregame

“THERE’S ELI!! Look, it’s Eli! Eli why are you wearing sweats? You forgot to put on your uniform Eli!”

“Hey! When Eli talks, he sounds educated. This is surprising to me.”

“Does Bob Costas have a family? They’re pretty neglected if he does.”

Victor Cruz was just described as a salsa dancer by Bob Costas. And Victor Cruz seems ok with this. I’m confused already.”

“Why is Adam Levine wearing a trench coat? Does he know he’s inside? Also why are they talking to him?”

“Does Lenny Kravitz wear sleeves, like, ever?”

“I’m wearing red socks but I need to let it be known that the red is for the Giants. NOT the Patriots”

“Good call in not choosing sides Mr. President. Way to not give into Matt Lauer’s peer pressure.”

“Now Barack and Matt aren’t even talking about football. They tricked me into hearing about politics!! This is the worst Super Bowl EVER!”

“THERE’S ELI AGAIN! He still hasn’t put on his uniform. I hope he doesn’t forget to. How embarrassing would that be?”

“Tony Dungy says the Patriots just need to confuse Eli in order to win. But I think what he was trying to say is that they just need to watch the Giants practices that they’ve been secretly taping all week.”

“Oooohhhh….in order to score they need to move the ball down the field quickly…..These guys are idiots. I wish Joe Buck was here.”

“There were some Giants in uniforms. Still haven’t seen Eli in one. I’m staring to get worried.”

“Oh guys. Eli has his uniform on now. You can stop worrying now….you weren’t worried? That was just me? Ok. Well I’m not worried anymore.”

“Aww how prec. Eli talks to Peyton to get Super Bowl advice. That’s cute….oh they don’t talk on Sunday’s though. Ok, Eli. You’re kind of picky.”

“Guys. I’ve been watching the pregame show for almost 2 hours. Why have I been doing this? I might have a brain problem.”

“So people see Aaron Rodgers as a sex symbol? I’m curious……Why?”

“Hank Williams Jr. has been replaced by Faith Hill as the official NFL singer? That’s an interesting decision.”

“Better go get some queso. The game will probably start soon. Like probably in 45 minutes.”

“I’m pretty sure that Patriots player just said his name is Cooter Minkins. I really hope this is true.”

“Bill Belachek definitely is always wearing that hoodie. I bet he doesn’t wash it either. He seems disgusting.”

“Who’s Matt Birk? Why’d he win that award? Never heard of him. He looks like a bulldog.”

“Blake Shelton AND Miranda Lambert?? They’re married you guys!!”

“Kelly Clarkson? She’s still singing? More importantly, she’s still alive? Oh well. Guess she loves America.”

“Tom and Eli look pretty mad about hearing the Star Spangled Banner. They must not love America…..or those are their game faces. Probably Tom hates America and that’s Eli’s game face. I don’t care for Tom Brady.”

“OOOOO. A special coin. That’s neat….awww poop. Eli lost the coin toss.”

“It’s bad that I’m kind of happy Gronkowski has a bad ankle, isn’t it?”

1st Quarter

“Way to go Eli!! You’re the bees knees Eli.”

“Victor Cruz’s mouth guard looks like a grown up pacifier. Someone should tell him he looks ridic.”

“Brandon Spikes has a phenomenal football name. I should tell him that if I ever meet him.”

“Ooo! RUN ELI. Awww Eli.”

“Yep. Licking your fingers should help, Eli. Keep doing that…..I bet his fingers taste a lot like football and earth at this point….gross.”

“Aack. Gisele. She’s the worst.”

“Umm. Elton John is a king? What the….Flava Flav? Uh…..”

“That’s cute when Tom Brady pretends he knows how to read. Ha. Silly Tommy.”

“RUN! OOOH KEEP RUNNING!”

“Hey! You guys should get a touchdown Eli. Try that.”

“No. That is still Eli’s ball. No. No. No……..Haha Patriots. You had too many people. Stupids.”

“YAY!!!! Thanks Eli! That was a great idea to throw a touchdown. I wonder who thought of that…oh ya. It was me!”

“Classic move, laying down and tripping that guy. We need more practical joke type plays in football. Let’s see a hidden ball trick.”

Wes Welker has a pretty serious mustache right now. So that kinda makes me not like him even more.”

“Hey Giants. I think you should keep the Patriots from scoring. Thanks.”

2nd Quarter

“Does anyone actually know what godaddy.co is for? I know what it looks like…..And why is it .co instead of .com? Weirdos.”

“Battleship the movie? Um…ok Hollywood. Maybe you can do Sorry! The Movie next.”

“Bah ha Tom Brady……oh someone’s helmet came off.”

“If someone could score a touchdown….preferably Eli…..and do a Peanuts character style celebration dance, I would not be very sad.”

“That one guy, Mark Herzl-something for the Giants had bone cancer. So he should probably just win because he’s been to the school of hard knocks.”

“How does that Wilfork guy run so fast? He’s kinda porky.”

“Punt that ball super far Giants guy!”

“Stupid polar bears. They shouldn’t be that clumsy on ice. It’s kinda where they live.”

“Boo Tom Brady. Boo.”

“Uh oh. Giants have a broken acl on their team. That sucks. Oh well the Patriots have a broken Gronkowski.”

“The Giants offensive line is, dare I say it, giant…….I’m so sorry about that.”

“That guy was real excited about his punt….they just chest bumped. That’s how excited he was. I never do anything great enough that people want to chest bump me. Man…”

“Rob Gronkowski’s meathead appearance definitely fits his meathead name.”

“Guys I want to see that Avengers movie!!! It looks great!”

“Oh they’re fighting! They’re fighting! More fighting!!…..I think I’ve been watching too much hockey.”

“You look uneasy Bill Belachek. I like that.”

“Wait. Does the e trade baby have a little sister now? Is that what just happened?”

“Um…this is probably a given, but I’d like for the Patriots to not score.”

“Did the announcers just give Jason Pierre-Paul the nickname J.P.P.? Can they do that? He could probably crush them.”

“Tom Brady!! Why’d you throw the ball to that tiny man so he would score?? I sort of despise you now.”

“It’s ok Eli. I believe in you!”

Halftime

“So Madonna’s like some sort of woman robot right?”

“Where’s Madonna? I don’t care about this football info Bob Costas. I want to see if she’s wearing a pointy silver cone bra.”

“Um. Madonna has lots of shiny gladiator type men with her. Where do you buy those? I’d like at least 3.”

“There appears to be some type of Cupid with a harp dancing around her.”

“It’s kinda weird that all of Madonna’s songs are about music right?”

“Why is Cupid dancing on a rope now? Madonna’s kinda weird you guys.”

“Wait. When did LMFAO get here? What’s happening? And now there are cheerleaders? THIS IS TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS. What is happening??”

“Now Cee-lo is there? And a church choir? Seriously what is going on? World peace? What? Madonna? What the? I don’t know anymore.”

3rd Quarter

“Okay Eli’s team. I’m going to need you to not let Tom Brady score. So keep tackling them. Thanks.”

“Ochocinco? That’s the first time I’ve heard his name all season.”

“Gosh, Tommy has Bieber hair. How is Gisele ok with this?”

“Seriously Giants. I told you to tackle the Patriots. Why aren’t you listening? Eli’s going to be mad at you guys. Then he’ll tackle you.”

“NOOOOOO!!!! Tom Brady!!”

“That guys celebration dance was stupid. He’s my least favorite Patriot now…..well besides Tom Brady.”

“Run Giants guy!!! Yaaaaa!!!”

“Eli, I think you should score a touchdown. And also do a Peanuts dance. Do you guys think he’ll Peanuts dance if he scores? He doesn’t seem like much of a dancer.”

“Now Eli. Now. Score a touchdown now.”

“Make a move Eli!!…….Guys. I haven’t seen Peyton there yet. Where’s Peyton? He lives in Indianapolis. Why isn’t he there?”

“Thats cool that Uncle Jesse got a job on a yogurt commercial after Jesse and the Rippers disbanded.”

“Oh good! J.P.P. is ok guys. He’s ok. Stop worrying. Just me again? Ya? Alright.”

“Despite all the commercials, I will not be watching The Voice after the game. Sorry Adam Levine.”

“Yaaaa!!!! NOOOO!!! Oh it’s ok. They got the ball back guys.”

“Ok Eli. NOW. Now you score a touchdown.”

“What if there was a head inside one of the helmets that falls off?! That’d be creepy………………..one time I had a dream about a baseball players head falling off. Michael Coleman maybe? Was he a guy?”

“SHOOT! Eli why aren’t you heeding my advice?”

“I don’t care for Tom Brady but he has an exceptionally manly jawline. He beats Eli at that.”

4th Quarter

“That guy just married bacon? I don’t feel that’s legal.”

“Don’t look sad Eli. You can do it.”

“Yaaaaa!!!! WOOOO!!! Interception!!! Tommy looks dejected.”

“Stop fumbling it Giants!! You’re gonna give a girl a heart attack. Geez Louise.”

“I’ll probably see that movie because they played Eminem on the commercial. That’s a good reason to see a movie right?”

“Good job getting a penalty Patriots. You should do that more often.”

“Gosh. Stop getting hurt Giants. This is bad. Why do they keep getting hurt? Stupid Patriots.”

“Eli’s passes are magical. And that Victor Cruz dances a lot.”

“The Giants coach seems to think there should have been a penalty there. I agree. But mainly because I want Tom Brady to be sad.”

“You know what? I’m glad Tom Brady has Beiber hair. It keeps him from reaching that super dreamy level. Not like Shea Weber. He’s super dreamy.”

“Hey Giants. Let’s not let the Patriots score, ya?”

“Why are the Giants all breaking?? This is the worst!”

“Stupid Wes Welker! Does his mustache have magical powers?? He’s real good guys.”

“This Gronkowski guy. He’s gotta be some sort of Neanderthal right? I mean, look at him!”

“Ok Giants. I really need you to stop these Patriots…….thanks Wes Welker. Dropping passes helps.”

“Alright Eli. Let’s go ahead and win now. I would LOVE it. Thanks.”

“Oh he was in bounds. Don’t even look refs. I know he was in. Just listen to me……..Told you ref. He was in.”

“Ok Eli. I don’t have much going for me right now. You should score….do a Peanuts dance…then ‘nanny nanny boo boo’ at Tom Brady. If you could do those three things, well I’ll buy your jersey…..was that a bad promise to make? Do you guys think he’ll do all those things?”

“I have to go to the bathroom!!!! Come on Eli. Just go ahead and win really fast.”

“So close Eli! COME ON!!”

“Thanks for the timeout so I could go pee pee Patriots.”

“YA Eli!! Boo Tommy!!”

“You’ll never make it Thomas Brady. You should just stop trying now and let Eli win. Ok thanks.”

“WOOOO! Sacking Tommy! I. Love. it!!!”

“YOU’LL NEVER DO IT TOM BRADY. YOU ARE NOT ELI…….OR TIM TEBOW.”

“Nononononononononononono!!!”

“EEEEELLLLLLIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Real bummer there Tommy. Guess Gisele’s positive thoughts weren’t quite positive enough.”

Postgame

“Probably Eli Manning will be the MVP guys. I’m just saying. He probably will be.”

“I’m not going to buy that Super Bowl hat. Do people actually do that?”

“Hey let’s all stroke the trophy guys. And get it all finger printy. Ya lets do that! Football players are weirdies.”

“How’d all those people get down on the field so fast? Magic!”

“Who’s the dainty lady holding the trophy?”

“Eli’s t shirt must be giant to fit over his uniform…….oh guys he was the MVP. I was right. Ya Mannings!!”

“That’s a neato car Eli!! Oh hey don’t forget the keys Eli.”

“Um could we polish that trophy now? Finger prints EVERYWHERE!!”

Wasn’t that a fun experience guys? It’s like we were watching the big game together. I hope I was successful in taking your football viewing to the next level.

Now I have to go before I accidentally watch The Voice.

 

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