I’m Not Sick (A Denial of Epic Proportions)

My only pride in life is based my high immune system and that I rarely get sick because of this.

You see, I’ve spent the last 5 years of my life working with toddlers. I don’t know how much you know about toddlers, but they are quite disgusting. Liquids ooze from every hole in their body. They chew on everything. They stick their fingers up their noses. They stick their fingers in other people’s noses. They stick their hands in their diapers. And then they touch you. So after 5 years of coming home everyday with some bodily fluid on my clothing I have pretty much been exposed to every disease. Cold, flu, chicken pox, small pox, cow pox, dog pox, the bubonic plague, all of them. And I only called in sick once* in five years. My immune system is incredible. At least that’s what I thought.

*I may have called in ‘sick’ a few other times. I was only vomiting/had a fever once. I’m a bad person.

It started off innocently with a sneeze. Then there was another sneeze. And another. And then I couldn’t breathe out my nose holes anymore. My brain felt like it was much larger than the hole in my head where it is supposed to fit. And my left nostril is no longer functioning. It could be from sitting in the ‘little clinic’ at Kroger so I could have a doctor sign off on my ‘not crazy papers’ for work, or it could be from the old people who are everywhere in Tennessee. But it doesn’t matter where this plague started because I am not sick.

Nope. It’s not a cold. I refuse to believe that my immune system is anything but flawless. So the snot that is filling my head, just allergies. And all the coughing, just from all the second-hand smoke in the world. I’m not sick.

Because I’m not sick I went ahead and looked up my symptoms on WebMd. I told them all about my nasal congestion and my coughing. They suggested that I’m suffering either from nasal polyps, a foreign object in my nose, or a goiter. So that sucks. But my immune system is in the clear. There’s no way a lack of immunity caused a foreign object to get in my nose. I’m super glad that I’m not sick though. I can still keep my pride of having a great immune system. Thanks WebMD!

If I sneeze on you, don’t worry it’s not a cold. It’s just that I’ve come down with a case of the death.

This is exactly what I look like when I'm sick. I'm really elegant.

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6 comments on “I’m Not Sick (A Denial of Epic Proportions)

  1. engchick23 says:

    Brilliant! I needed a laugh, so thanks! But is it okay if I don’t sit next to you? I’m afraid your case of death might be contagious…we can still be friends, right?

    • yeldaba says:

      It’s alright if you don’t. I wouldn’t sit by me either, especially with the loud mouth breathing I’m currently participating in. That’s just annoying even without the germs.

  2. policorleone says:

    great

  3. gkm2011 says:

    I understand the desire. There is also the alternative – where you have been sick, then you start to feel better and your colleague/friend/other half recontaminate you in a vicious cycle. Hope you have recovered now!

  4. setinmotion says:

    Hahaha. I know exactly how you feel! I’ve somehow being given this reputation as having a high pain threshold and I just had my wisdom teeth out. So while part of me wants to cry like a little baby, the bigger part (my pride) feels it has to keep up this persona of being the equivalent of Chuck Norris.

    it sucks!

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