Hey Benjamin Button, Help Me Age Backwards!

I wish I could go back to when I was 3. I don’t want to go back in time DeLorean style, but if I could turn into a 3-year-old with the knowledge I currently possess (which is not much) that would be pretty freaking great.

Why 3, you ask? Well 3 year-olds can say whatever the heck they want. They have no filters. Absolutely none. I had this conversation with a child just two days ago:

3 year-old “Where are your other shoes? I like those ones….The grey ones with the buttons.”
Me -“Oh? Should I wear those tomorrow?”
3 year-old – “Ya. And don’t wear that shirt. I don’t like it.”

If any grown up person had told me flat out they didn’t like my shirt, I would have considered punching them right in the face. But because an adorable little guy with a southern accent said it to me I wasn’t offended. (I will admit when another child looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t like you.” I was offended. I am very likable you guys!)

If I suddenly became 22-year-old me in 3-year-old me’s body I can only imagine the joyous times I would have. Those thoughts I keep in my head…I would say ALL OF THEM.

If some stranger with a beard tried to make conversation with me while waiting in line at Walmart I would turn around and say, “I don’t want to talk to you, you’re creepy and quite frankly you smell like poop.” The bearded stranger wouldn’t be offended. He would just laugh it off because my 3 year-old rudeness was adorable!

When obnoxious young men in big trucks drive next to my car revving their engines, I would roll down my window and say, “Hey buttface. No one thinks it’s cool that your car is loud. In fact most of us think you’re trying to make up for your lack of masculinity. So stop it. You’ll never get a woman that way.” They would be so shocked with my frankness that they couldn’t even be mad that I said it! It would be awesome! (Actually this one would not work….mainly because 3 year-olds cannot drive)

And to the guy at work the other day who used m&m’s as an object lesson to teach children that we’re all different colors but the same on the inside, I would say, “Excuse me sir. We are 3. We don’t realize that we have different skin colors. We just see other kids. And in teaching this lesson you have actually pointed out to us the different races in this room. We didn’t see skin colors until you pointed this out with your m&m lesson. So thanks for introducing us 3 year-olds to racism!!” He would probably just be really amazed at my great communication skills. I would probably leave that guys speechless. (Also I might say this as a 22 year-old. That guy was really stupid. I wanted to punch him)

Then there would be the average everyday conversations. Things like, “Your haircut looks really bad.”, “Please stop touching your ring. I’m not going to ask you about it.”, and “I can see your butt crack when you bend down with those skinny jeans on.”

I would be the best 3 year-old ever. I could help people out by being adorable while pointing out their flaws without them being offended. I could single-handedly stop this phenomena of jeggings*, by simply asking all women wearing them why they don’t have pants on. (I would also attempt to stop that terrible thing males do where they cut out the armpits of their shirts causing me to be able to see their nipples. What the heck is that about. Why not just go shirtless at that point?)

So if anyone has any connections to Benjamin Button, I’d be interested in aging backwards. I’d really like to be able to speak freely without offended others.

Or maybe I’ll just start saying everything that pops into my head. Who needs friends anyway right?

If she says you look fat, you're not even mad!

*Secretly I’m just jealous that I can’t rock the jeggings. I have disproportionately large calves. I would look ridiculous.