Hey Benjamin Button, Help Me Age Backwards!

I wish I could go back to when I was 3. I don’t want to go back in time DeLorean style, but if I could turn into a 3-year-old with the knowledge I currently possess (which is not much) that would be pretty freaking great.

Why 3, you ask? Well 3 year-olds can say whatever the heck they want. They have no filters. Absolutely none. I had this conversation with a child just two days ago:

3 year-old “Where are your other shoes? I like those ones….The grey ones with the buttons.”
Me -“Oh? Should I wear those tomorrow?”
3 year-old – “Ya. And don’t wear that shirt. I don’t like it.”

If any grown up person had told me flat out they didn’t like my shirt, I would have considered punching them right in the face. But because an adorable little guy with a southern accent said it to me I wasn’t offended. (I will admit when another child looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t like you.” I was offended. I am very likable you guys!)

If I suddenly became 22-year-old me in 3-year-old me’s body I can only imagine the joyous times I would have. Those thoughts I keep in my head…I would say ALL OF THEM.

If some stranger with a beard tried to make conversation with me while waiting in line at Walmart I would turn around and say, “I don’t want to talk to you, you’re creepy and quite frankly you smell like poop.” The bearded stranger wouldn’t be offended. He would just laugh it off because my 3 year-old rudeness was adorable!

When obnoxious young men in big trucks drive next to my car revving their engines, I would roll down my window and say, “Hey buttface. No one thinks it’s cool that your car is loud. In fact most of us think you’re trying to make up for your lack of masculinity. So stop it. You’ll never get a woman that way.” They would be so shocked with my frankness that they couldn’t even be mad that I said it! It would be awesome! (Actually this one would not work….mainly because 3 year-olds cannot drive)

And to the guy at work the other day who used m&m’s as an object lesson to teach children that we’re all different colors but the same on the inside, I would say, “Excuse me sir. We are 3. We don’t realize that we have different skin colors. We just see other kids. And in teaching this lesson you have actually pointed out to us the different races in this room. We didn’t see skin colors until you pointed this out with your m&m lesson. So thanks for introducing us 3 year-olds to racism!!” He would probably just be really amazed at my great communication skills. I would probably leave that guys speechless. (Also I might say this as a 22 year-old. That guy was really stupid. I wanted to punch him)

Then there would be the average everyday conversations. Things like, “Your haircut looks really bad.”, “Please stop touching your ring. I’m not going to ask you about it.”, and “I can see your butt crack when you bend down with those skinny jeans on.”

I would be the best 3 year-old ever. I could help people out by being adorable while pointing out their flaws without them being offended. I could single-handedly stop this phenomena of jeggings*, by simply asking all women wearing them why they don’t have pants on. (I would also attempt to stop that terrible thing males do where they cut out the armpits of their shirts causing me to be able to see their nipples. What the heck is that about. Why not just go shirtless at that point?)

So if anyone has any connections to Benjamin Button, I’d be interested in aging backwards. I’d really like to be able to speak freely without offended others.

Or maybe I’ll just start saying everything that pops into my head. Who needs friends anyway right?

If she says you look fat, you're not even mad!

*Secretly I’m just jealous that I can’t rock the jeggings. I have disproportionately large calves. I would look ridiculous.

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19 comments on “Hey Benjamin Button, Help Me Age Backwards!

  1. chindor says:

    Whahaha, thank you for making me smile.

  2. Reblogged this on MyDestiny2011 and commented:
    I watched this movies and like it a lot. Different from other. Wish it could happen sometime, lol!

  3. Well this is brilliant. My mother always says she can’t wait til she gets old so she can say whatever she wants. Nobody ever realized we could go backwards, instead. Embarrassing/adorable childhood accidentally racist comment story: when I was three, I pointed at African-American people in cars and declared them to be gingerbread men. And my “honorary” niece once loudly declared someone in a store to be ugly. Several times. Precious.

  4. Love your writing 🙂 great stuff!

  5. nostawegnaro says:

    Thanks for making me laugh. I know exactly what you mean. Little children could get away with murder they’re so cute!

  6. James says:

    Hey…just stumbled across your blog today and I’m really impressed…nice job…..oh, and I think this “Excuse me sir. We are 3. We don’t realize that we have different skin colors. We just see other kids. And in teaching this lesson you have actually pointed out to us the different races in this room. We didn’t see skin colors until you pointed this out with your m&m lesson. So thanks for introducing us 3 year-olds to racism!!” is genius. I wish more people thought like you! Looking forward to reading more!

  7. peasquared says:

    love this! i too have disproportionately large calves and can’t find any boots to fit. =( i enjoy your writing. thanks for sharing!

  8. This post is wonderful. I love your blog. You have style. I, too, have wondered what it would be like to awaken as a baby in a crib with all the experiences of a now 25 year old. It would be awesome!

  9. This post is awesome! When my son was three, he told me the dress I was wearing looked like a giant piece of poop. I kissed him on the forehead and never wore that dress again. The honesty was priceless. Oh, to be able to say what is on our minds and just get a kiss on the forehead! Lol!

  10. starrkatt says:

    You are quite the interesting blogger! :3 I stumbled upon your blog today, and followed immediately. You brought a smile to my face as I read this!

  11. brainvomit40 says:

    Great blog! What fun I could have to just have one full day of this! I have just now figured out what to ask for whenver that genie in the lamp shows up!!!

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