The Hunt for the Perfect Man

My biological clock is ticking guys. It just keeps ticking and ticking and ticking. In fact, as I was writing that I lost 15 seconds of biology. And there went another 5. My time is whittling away! I need a man. NOW!

Being adorable and walking around Nashville waiting for a romantic comedy moment is not working for me. No one has chased me down at an airport and proposed to me. I haven’t even looked out my window to see a man singing to me in the pouring rain. I’m going to have to take things into my own hands now. So I’ve decided I should start online dating*. I’ve never made an online dating profile so I used this handy website to help me out. I followed their steps as best I could.

Step 1: Get Away From the Computer
I did not participate appropriately in this step. I hope that doesn’t tamper with my results.

Step 2: Thinking About Who You are and What You Like
I was supposed to write 10 things about myself but I didn’t want to write anything down, so I skipped this step as well. I’m really bad at following directions. I did think about ten things though, so that counts.

Step 3: Fine-Tune Your Personal List
Nope. Didn’t do it.

Step 4: Making Your List into Dating Profile Text
This step you’re supposed to take all your interests and make a rough draft. Here’s what I’ve got:

Hello! My name is Amanda. I am a preschool teacher in the Nashville area. I wipe boogers and try to keep 3 year-olds from killing one another for a living. I also try to teach them basic life skills like the ABC’s and manners. It’s a really exciting field to be a part of. Outside of spending all day with toddlers, I have little free-time. With my free-time I basically just sit on the couch watching hockey and googleing Tim Tebow and Sidney Crosby.

I hope you like neuroses because I have a TON I would love to share with you! First my foods cannot touch on my plate. If they do I won’t eat the part that touched the other food. I’d basically be the best kosher Jew ever. I also can’t stand in front of an elevator door. I don’t want to be the one that gets shot up when an angry man comes into work with a gun you know! My closet is color-coded and arranged by sleeve length. If you mess this up, I will have to put you down. If I get any sort of dirt on my socks I have to change them immediately, and if you touch my feet, well, we’ll have to end things right there.

I have a pet schnauzer, but he’s not really a pet, he’s actually a tiny person trapped in a dog’s body. His name is Wallace T. Schnauzer III and he pretty much runs the place. He’ll probably eat your underpants, but that’s a sign of love and affection. He also attacks anything/anyone that comes near me. But don’t worry! He hasn’t killed anyone…yet (smiley face)

Step 5: What you Bring to a Relationship
This is where I’m supposed to ‘sell’ myself. I tried my hardest:

I’m the most loyal person that has ever existed. (Unless you touch my feet *hee hee giggle giggle*) I’m not very emotionally stable before 10 am and pretty much anything could push me over the edge, but after that I am rock solid! Just like a statue who doesn’t have emotions. I didn’t even cry at Marley and Me. (some might say I’m emotionally numb inside!) And I don’t really enjoy physical contact, but I’m the best darn high-fiver.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I believe in love after enough forced time together!

Step 6: Thinking About the Qualities You Want in the Person You Date
I was supposed to write out a list again. Didn’t do it. But I went ahead and skipped to writing the paragraph:

What I’m looking for is a nice, even-tempered man who is brawny, has the jaw of a superhero, and can grow a 5 o’clock shadow on whim. A hockey player would be ideal, preferably a nice Canadian fellow. He must have flowing locks and eyes as blue as the ocean. He doesn’t care if I cocoon myself into all the blankets at night to leave him shivering in the cold. Also he must be willing to sleep on the floor, as Wallace T. Schnauzer sleeps on the other side of my bed. A nice Canadian, who allows me to yell at the TV when watching sports, (and maybe even throw some things if necessary) that’s really all I need! If this Canadian man sounds like you, feel free to contact me!

Have a lovely day!

That’s all there is to it. Now I have myself an online dating profile. It talks about how great I am and outlines exactly what I’m looking for. I personally think I did a really fantastic job. (I should add my incredible humility to my paragraph about what I bring to relationships)

I guess I’ll just post this to all the online dating websites I can find. Surely there’s a nice Canadian hockey player out there who likes neurotic females that don’t enjoy physical contact. I just know he’s out there!

And if this doesn’t get me a man, I give up. I’ll just become a spinster.

Hey Shea Weber! You're Canadian. Let's marry?

*No I haven’t. I’m going to just continue being adorable and hoping for the best.

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27 comments on “The Hunt for the Perfect Man

  1. Love it! We share a few neurosis, those three section paper plates were invented for folks like us. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Grace says:

    hehehe really funny and well written! Ironically I have also just joined up to internet date too! All the best in your online travels and I look forward to reading your adventures and sympathizing – it really is the weirdest adventure one can sign up for!

    • yeldaba says:

      I wish I had the guts for this to be true, but I don’t, and I’m not actually online dating. I’m just holding out to get cast on the next season of the Bachelorette. ๐Ÿ™‚

      But I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor!

  3. Carolin says:

    This made me laugh out loud. Well written Amanda! And dont worry, the hokey-playing, Canadian Mr. Right is out there ๐Ÿ™‚
    Also, schnauzers are the greatest people-in-dog-suits around.

  4. alimac22 says:

    hahaha ohmy…no food touching…color coordinated closet by season!?!?! are you sure you’re not writing about me?! I loved it.

  5. Hi, Amanda! I’m a sensitive guy, so I can make the peers! LOL! Hey, I just posted a new story! Hope you can read it in short. This time, is in English! Hope you’re having a neat weekend! Cheers!

  6. lady82faye says:

    Man, I heart this post! I think we are kindred sister spirits in a sense that we have awkward quirks!
    Anyways, I hope you find your Canadian boo ASAP! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Fellows, holler at your girl Yeldaba! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. chindor says:

    Red it, love it, going to put a link on my little site to it. Thank you for my morning laugh.

  8. I laughed out loud!!!! keep them coming!

  9. Emotionally numb inside? Likes sports? Unstable before 10 am? I will be right back after I check on flights to Nashville.

  10. Just started following your blog. Funny stuff! I love that your job description made me guffaw, yes, GUFFAW at work. Luckily, I am currently between customers.

  11. sdfsdfsdg says:

    Wouldn mind it all the other details, but you are a school teacher for lil kids, thats like five tiers below me. BIG TURN OFF for me.

  12. Sara June says:

    This had me laughing out loud. You are an awesome writer! Thanks for the laugh.

  13. jayeshomg says:

    Reblogged this on Line Press'er and commented:
    Yeah The Hunt Continues….

  14. Feet! I have happy feet (no one is touching them) right now over the fact that I’m not the only person who hates when ppl touch my feet!
    Hilarious post!
    I have relatives in Nashville and Memphis…not sure what connections they have, but I’d be more than happy to ask them about any men that fit your list!!

  15. ryjoca says:

    Wonderful post. Hilarious and comical. keep the hunting alive..:)

  16. Hilarious. Made my laying in bed, mucus dripping, head pounding morning even better!

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