Chia Pets. What a fun and useless item, growing greenery on things like sheep and Scooby Doo. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been wondering to yourself, “Self. What the heck happened to Chia Pets? Where are they? Why don’t I see them anymore. I never bought one, but I wonder what the Chia guys are doing now, since I haven’t seen a Chia in a while.”
Well you’re in luck! I was just as the Chia World Headquarters the other day, crawling through their air ducts. (I like to pretend I’m a human-hamster. I’m not allowed at play places because I’m over 42 inches tall, so I have to crawl through the duct systems of large corporations…it’s not weird you guys) I happened to be crawling over the conference room as they were having their staff meeting. And I’m a big fan of eavesdropping so obviously I stopped my crawling to listen. I now know what’s going on at Chia Pet. And I know where the Chia’s are. Lucky for you guys, I like you so I’m willing to share my secret knowledge with you.
February 19, 2012 10:00 am Chia Headquarters
Chia CEO, Jeff Chiabrew gathers his employees (Dan, director of Chia Pet Marketing, and Pete the Vice President of all things Chia) in the conference room for their weekly staff meeting.
Mr. CEO: Alright guys. We’ve got a problem. Chia Pets aren’t cool anymore. People used to love growing sprouts on ceramic heads of presidents. They found joy in grass growing on a sheep. But no more. We’ve been replaced with Topsy Turvies. They can grow tomatoes and strawberries. Chia’s aren’t functional. They’re just hilarious to look at. I just love that little Shrek one. Oh my gosh! It’s so funny! But I digress. What are we going to do to make people love Chia’s again. I’ll be honest guys. I’m going broke. And we have billions of Chia seeds in the warehouse. If we don’t figure out how to make Chia Pets cool again….my family will probably starve. Do you guys want that on your heads? DO YOU? DAN! WHAT GREAT IDEAS DO YOU HAVE?
Dan: Well….um….people like vampires. Vampires with grass on their heads. Kids would love it. They love vampires….no I’m sorry I can’t even take this idea seriously. We sell ceramic heads with grass on them. I got nothing. I wouldn’t even buy it from me. Face it Jeff Chia’s are dead. Just like the DoDo bird. Our time is over.
CEO: DAN! No more talking for you. In fact leave the room. NOW. GET OUT OF HERE. How dare you insult my precious Chia Pets. You know what? You’re fired. I’ll sell these things myself. Margret? Get in here and take a memo! MARGRET? Marge? Ma….
Pete:….She quit 6 years ago sir. Remember 6 years ago when no one was buying Chia Pets anymore? Ya she left then….she was a lot smarter than the rest of us.
CEO: Pete? Do you want to be next? All you know is seeds on ceramic heads. Do you think you’re getting a job if I fire you? NO. You’re not. So you had better help me out….since Margret apparently quit a really long time ago, you’re going to have to be the note taker. Write this down…no one likes growing pointless vegetation anymore. They need it to be functional.
Pete: Chia pets are stupid. Got it.
CEO: That’s not what I said, and you know it. I hate you Pete.
Pete: And I you, Joe. I hate you.
CEO: What do people like?
Pete: Not Chia Pets. No one ever liked those.
CEO: Seriously Pete? I’m sick of you. I might as well be having a meeting with myself. What is your problem….ok so people are really into health right now, ya? So maybe using the Chia heads as weights for bicep curls? I like that! Ok Pete, did you write that down?
Pete: You’re kidding right….you’re not kidding? You’re really serious about weights? How do you have a job? I don’t get you. We might as well just tell people to eat the Chia Pets for health. Why do you have that look on your face Joe? Joe? I was joking. You can’t eat Chia seeds. JOE! NO! They’re not food! You can’t….oh crap.
There you have it. We don’t grow Chia Pets anymore. We eat Chia Seeds. And then we’re healthy. You’re welcome. The End.
- All about Chia Seeds (mindychislow.wordpress.com)
- Chia Seeds: Why You Should Still Be Eating Last Year’s Superfood (blisstree.com)
- Nutritious smoothie with chia seeds (healthybodymind.wordpress.com)