Dear Sidney Crosby,
Hi! You don’t know me, but I know you! That sounded a little creepy didn’t it? I’m real sorry about that. Anyway, how’s it going?
I don’t know if you know this about yourself, but you used to be a phenomenal hockey player. Remember in 2010, you scored the winning goal in the gold medal hockey game, for your native land of Canada? And remember how you hold the record for the youngest everything ever in the NHL?
Look at all this stuff:
First rookie to record 100 points and 100 penalty minutes in a season
Youngest player to record 100 points in a season
Youngest player to record 200 career points (19 years and 207 days)
Youngest player to record 2 consecutive 100 point seasons
Youngest player voted to the starting lineup in an All-Star Game
Youngest full team captain
Youngest NHL captain to win Stanley Cup (21 years, 10 months, and 5 days)
Those were good times weren’t they Sid? You were a star. And then this happened:
You broke your brain. And now you do nothing except skate around on ice without playing hockey, you’re essentially a figure skater. No one really likes you anymore. Now don’t get sad about that Sidney. You have only played like 8 games in the last year. Surely you can see where I’m coming from here. It’s no wonder people are starting to get angry at you and saying you’re a big baby with a broken head. You don’t do anything and you’re supposedly the Captain of your team.
But I don’t think you’re a baby Sid. That’s why I’m writing this letter to you. Because I like you, broken head or not. And since I’m probably the only one who still likes you, I was wondering if I could get a few things.
1. I’d like a million dollars. You’re being paid right now, but let’s be honest Sidney, you’re not doing anything to earn it. You could sacrifice a few mill. If you could just give me 1 million for being your biggest fan, we’ll call it even.
2. I’m also going to need a real penguin. You play for (well, you are a member of) the Pittsburgh Penguins. Surely you’ve got some sort of connection with a penguin breeder. I need a pet. Get me one Sid.
3. You also played in the olympics with Shea Weber. You guys are probably friends, right? Could you introduce us? I’d really like to marry him.
4. If you can’t get Shea Weber, will you marry me?
5. I’d also like an autographed puck
That’s it Sidney. Just those 5 things. I’m the only who still thinks you can play hockey. I haven’t once called you a whiny baby for having a broken brain. (Trust me, people call you whiny a lot, and sometimes you act a little whiny. I’ve seen the YouTube videos, and I still like ya!) I google you only a weekly* basis just to check on your brain progress. So anyway, you can see how supportive I am, during this time of broken braindom.
*daily. I’m out of control
If you could offer me the same support in fulfilling those demands, that would be phenomenal.
If you don’t, I’m going to be mad at you for a little bit. But I’ll probably still like you, dang it! You’re so darn adorable!
Okay, well have a nice day Sidney! Hope your brain/neck/spine gets better soon!
Amanda, aka Your Biggest (and maybe your only) Fan
- Sidney Crosby Back on the Ice (everyjoe.com)
- Diagnosis: Sidney Crosby (sports.nationalpost.com)
- Sidney Crosby: Why He Should Never Play in the NHL Again (bleacherreport.com)