To the Nashville Predators:
Hi guys. As you know, you just lost your hockey match against the Los Angeles Kings. It seemed to me that all of you have forgotten how to play hockey. Which is questionable being that it’s your job and all. You get paid to play hockey but you weren’t playing hockey tonight. But what do I know, I’m no color commentator. Well I am, but only to the people sitting near me. (BTW: Do you guys get paid for the games in which you play terribly? Because that doesn’t seem right) Don’t feel bad though. It wasn’t your guys’ fault you lost. It was mine. All mine.
You see, I have this lucky pair of socks I wear to every game. They’re navy blue and have little embroidered turkeys in them. I don’t know how they became lucky, they just are. I don’t question it. I just accept their powers.
I also have a lucky pair of jeans I wear to every game. They’re worn out in all the right places to make them perfect for jumping up to celebrate goals. They also coordinate perfectly with the navy and gold of your jerseys. I’ve never not worn them to a game. You guys win, when these jeans are worn. They are tried and true. And I always wear a tan pair of converse all-stars with the turkey socks and jeans. They’ve been worn so often to Bridgestone Arena that I’m almost positive the smell of beer and nacho cheese is embedded into the fabric of them.
And the final part of my game day ensemble is my Craig Smith jersey. I put that on with my jeans, socks, and shoes and you guys never lose. Never. As long as that exact clothing combination is worn. It’s my lucky game day outfit and I wear it to every single game. (I’m not crazy you guys. You’re hockey players, you should understand superstitions better than anyone)
But tonight I didn’t wear my lucky ensemble. Any of it. I went to the game straight from work. I was wearing black ballet flats and didn’t remember to bring my lucky shoes to change into because I am an idiot. And because I would have looked like a crazy person if I had worn the turkey socks with the flats I opted out of the turkey socks. I had a very small time frame for getting to the game so I had to change my shirt in the car. For the sake of easiness I opted to go with my Jordin Tootoo tee rather than my Craig Smith jersey. I reasoned this out to myself saying “I’m going to the game Thursday. If I wear the jersey dirty it throws everything off and the Preds lose. I don’t have time for laundry between now and Thursday so I’ll save Smith and go with Toots. It’ll be okay.” I was very wrong.
My jeans weren’t right. My shoes were all wrong and I didn’t wear the socks. And just to top off my bad luck ridden outfit, I also wore my cap. I never wear my cap to the games for fear someone will score a hat trick. I didn’t spend $20 on a hat just so i could throw it to you guys for doing your job. But I wore it tonight like some sort of buffoon.
Suffice it to say, I’ll take the blame for this loss boys. The universe was all a-kilter because of me. I threw off your game because I wore the wrong clothes. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m such a jerk for making you guys lose! I’m really sorry and if the Kostitsyn’s wish to strip me of my “Kostitsyn’s #1 Fan” title I fully understand.
Trust me though. I have learned my lesson and Thursday evening I will be there with my worn in jeans. turkey socks, converse tennies and Craig Smith jersey. I might even have some bells and whistles on just for fun.*
So anyway fellas, this time I suck and it’s all my fault. I’m real sorry about that. Won’t happen again.
*Nope. That would ruin the whole ‘universe balance’ thing again