Hey there Timmy!
How’s life been post-season? It was probably going pretty well until today I’m sure. You know, what with the whole “Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos” stuff. That’s pretty unfortunate for you. I’m sure you’ve probably shed a few tears. You’re a sensitive guy. I totally get that and I totally appreciate a man who can cry.
So you’re basically out of the job, huh? That’s a pretty stinky deal. I was sure John Elway liked you, but I guess not. So…got any plans now that you are no longer the Broncos starting QB? If the answer is “nothing” I’ve got quite the solution for you my friend.
Move to Nashville! Become the Titans quarterback. Sure we got Matt Hasselbeck and Jake Locker, but I have a plan to get them out of the way. (I have a plan for everything!) Hasselback is getting kinda old so every time you have a conversation with him just mention his age. Eventually he’ll become really self-conscious about it and he’ll just up and retire. As for Locker, you’ll have to fist fight him for the starting role once Hasselbeck is out of the way. The winner of the fight gets to be the Titans starter. You have really large biceps, so I’m pretty confident that you could take Locker. I’m not worried at all about that.
I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “But Amanda, the Titans aren’t that great. Why would I want to go play for them?” Well, Timmy. They are actually not terrible. In fact I might say they were better than your Broncos were. They even finished 2nd in their division right behind the Texans. They just got a raw end of the deal when it came to being a wildcard and thus, did not make it to the playoffs. You and your Broncos got lucky over and over again and that is why you made it to the playoffs. I’m okay with the luck though Timmy. Luck is alright in my book! (I’ll even show you my lucky turkey socks if you want to see how into luck I am.) Plus I think we could use some of your Tebow charm here with the Titans. No one seems to care a lick about them. If you were here EVERYONE would care. You’re very popular, if you didn’t know.
If you moved to Nashville not only would you get to be a starting quarterback*, but you would get the opportunity to meet a whole new group of people, or as we call them here, Nashvillians.
Timmy, I would be honored to become your very first Nashville friend. I’ll take you to the Grand Ole Opry. I let you look at the Batman building with me. We can even eat at Baja Burrito together! And if you really want to we can play bocce ball and ladder ball in my backyard. (We’d have to watch out for dog poo, but that’s the price you pay for being my friend. Dog poo is everywhere out there) Wouldn’t that be the best Timmy? We could become best friends!! The idea of being best friends with you excites me and I’m sure the prospect of being my best friend excites you just as much.
So let’s recap here:
Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos
You are out of the job
Move to Nashville
Become Titans 3rd QB
Convince Hasselbeck to retire
Beat Locker in a fist-fight
Become Titans starting quarterback
Make everyone in Nashville care about the Titans
Become my best friend
Live the best year of your life here in Nashville with me!! (And possibly fall in love with and marry me, but only if the best friend thing works out first)
I think that about covers it all. That is probably the best looking offer you will be receiving so if I were you’d I just go ahead and take it now. No one else will be offering my friendship as part of your contract. So ya, you better take it before I offer it to Kyle Orton.
I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Have a great day!
Your soon to be best friend, Amanda
*Barring the retirement of Hasselbeck and you winning your fist-fight with Locker
- Peyton Manning: From Colt to Bronco? (cnn.com)
- NFL Free Agency: What Will Happen to Who Peyton Manning Replaces? (bleacherreport.com)
- Peyton Manning to Sign With Denver Broncos; Tim Tebow on Trading Block (thehollywoodgossip.com)
- Tim Tebow: Miami Dolphins Must Stay Clear of Tebowmania (bleacherreport.com)
- Broncos not expecting much in Tim Tebow trade (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)