Amanda’s Simple Guide to Common Human Courtesy

I try my best to avoid going into public places for many reasons. The main one being, I hate people. I realize this is a pretty aggressive statement, but have you guys ever experienced people? I have, and some of them are very exhausting. And the people that I interact with in public are the worst people of all the people in the history of ever. It seems to me that I’m the only one who know how to conduct myself properly in public. And that’s a very scary thing.

You guys are in for a real treat though, because I have compiled a list of rules for common courtesy (it can also serve as a handy guide as to what you are allowed to do to punish those who don’t use common courtesy) It’s sure to help you out in your day to day endeavors. And if you want, you can even print them out to carry with you so you have the rules on hand at all times.

  • If two people are walking in opposite directions on the same path both parties should take one step to their right. Thus making passing by each other easy and smooth, removing the awkward ‘dancing’ that often occurs.
  • If one party refuses to stand up allowing the other party greater ease in exiting a row, the first party must answer the question “crotch or butt?” as to which part of the exiting party they would like in their face as they shimmy by to purchase a hot pretzel or use the restroom. (ie: church pews or stadium seats)
  • When shopping and using a cart to hold the items to be purchased, the cart must be within 2 feet of the party using said cart. If it is not within the required distance, the party encumbered by the abandoned cart is given a free pass to return all items in the shopping cart back on the shelf.
  • If riding on an escalator one should NEVER stand on the same step as a stranger. If this rule is broken, the person who was on the step first is given free reign to slap the offending party in the face.
  • When using a soft drink dispenser a person can only fill up on cup at a time. If the party has more than one cup to fill they must return to the end of the line after each fill up before they move to the next cup. (ie: gas stations, fast food restaurants)
  • If one party says the polite phrase “excuse me” and the other party acknowledges the first party, yet does not make any indication that they plan to move, the first party is allowed to hockey check the second party in order to get to where they need to be.
  • If a person stands up at any point, for any reason, while the puck is in play at a hockey game, any of the party’s who’s view is encumbered by the first party’s melon-head, are allowed to shout obscenities and/or hockey fight, until the first party sits back down. (you know who you are melon-head!)

Hopefully this helps. I feel if everyone knows and follows these rules society, as a whole, will become much more polite. And if they’re not more polite, they are at least aware of the consequence that will be bestowed upon them.

On a side note, I can’t wait til I get my own manners column in the weekly paper! I’m really good at this.

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3 comments on “Amanda’s Simple Guide to Common Human Courtesy

  1. I totally had a miss manners book just like that as a kid. Mine was green. And I totally would make my friends sit and listen to me read it.

  2. MissFourEyes says:

    “crotch or butt?”
    Love it! very funny!

  3. setinmotion says:

    Hahaha! Hilarious, yet very accurate post!

    As someone who is forced to endure working part-time in a chemist, I thought it would be nice to perhaps make a list of seemingly obvious rules to rude customers.

    Eg)

    1) Don’t talk on the phone, listen to your music or text while I’m serving you. It may come as a surprise, but I am a human being, and being acknowledged is always a nice thing.

    2) Don’t yell at me for 20 minutes, only to say at the end that you realise its not my fault. If you’re going to be angry, stick at it.

    PS. Loved the escalator one. SO accurate. Also people who stand at the bottom of escalators and chat to one another. What the hell?

    (Clearly I hate the public as much as you do)

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