Confession: I do stupid things all the time without even trying. I’m just really good at being awkward and ridiculous. Today this delightful quality of mine reached a new level of stupidity. And because I am who I am I’d like to share it with you. Clearly I’m not ashamed of myself.
Join me, as we venture into my head and experience this lovely time I had through my eyes. If you don’t think you’re ready to enter my head I suggest you stop reading now. (Also if you aren’t ready to enter my head you should probably never read this blog. Just a FYI)
A little background before we begin: everyday when I return to work from my lunch break I use the restroom. Even if I don’t have to, I go because that’s who I am. I do the same thing everyday just because I am Amanda.
We’ll start our journey here as I enter the building:
I’m a little early to clock back in so I’ll just go to the bathroom.
This is how I justify doing the exact same thing everyday. I’m not fooling anyone though. I’m insane
Oh. There’s the cook lady who likes to pat my back. I don’t care for that but I’ll smile and nod at her as I walk by. Hey cook lady! Don’t touch me! Also, why does she wear that strange hat? Probably so she doesn’t get hair in the sandwiches that the children eat everyday. Oh well. To the restroom I go.
I need to put my water bottle somewhere. Should I set it on this bench outside of the bathroom. Nah. I’ll just take it in the bathroom and set it on the counter. No one will touch it because no one will even be in there. Oh shoot. It sounds like someone is in there. Eh. If they see me set my bottle down they won’t touch it. I wonder who’s in there anyways?
Oh I think it’s someone fixing the soap dispenser that keeps falling off the wall. It’s about time. That thing’s annoying! Probably it’s my boss. It’ll be kinda weird using the bathroom while she’s in there fixing that but I’ll make do. It’ll be fine.
At this point I cross the threshold of the bathroom.
OH CRAP. THAT’S A MAN. THAT IS A MAN FIXING THE SOAP DISPENSER. THERE IS A MAN IN THE GIRL’S BATHROOM.
I can’t turn around now. He’s already seen me. He’ll think it’s weird if I see him and turn around immediately (He would not have)
I’ll just walk on in there and pretend I’m doing something important. (This was the wrong decision)
OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP. Now I’m all the way in the bathroom. What do I do now? Ummmmmmmm……crap crap crap crap. Just keep walking Amanda. Don’t look at him. Wait. Why do I keep walking towards the stalls. I’m not really going to pee with him in here am I? How am I gonna play this off? Oh man. Now he thinks I’m disgusting!!
Then the man interrupted my panicked thoughts by asking/shouting, “Do you need me to step out for a second?” In other words, “Is this moron really going to go pee while I’m in here? Are you serious? What kind of idiot is this girl? Did she not see me here? What a moron.”
Oh shoot! What do I say. I don’t want to say yes. That’d be weird. Ummm…I’ve got it:
“NOPE. You’re fine. I just need to blow my nose.”
Blow my nose?? What the heck? I don’t need to blow my nose. Oh shoot. Now I have to blow my nose. And why didn’t I say something grown-up like, “Nope. Just getting a tissue.” I have to blow my nose?? What am I? 5? Crap. Well guess I’ll just walk into this stall and get some toilet paper….because that’s how grown-ups ‘blow their noses’, I guess.
Yep. There’s nothing coming out my nose. This guy knows I’m bluffing. I didn’t need to blow my nose. I have got to get out of here. This is just ridiculous now. Ok. Well, guess I’ll just walk on by him now. Ok. Here I go. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. See ya later soap dispenser repair man guy. Made it!! My gosh. What is wrong with me? How much more awkward could a person get? Oh man….I still need to pee.
Literally this whole thing took place in a time frame of about 45 seconds. It felt like many, many more. Why I didn’t just turn around and leave as soon as I saw someone in the bathroom, I do not know. And what was I going to do if I made it all the way to a stall without the guy saying anything? I don’t know, surely I wasn’t going to use it. But who knows. All I know is that afterwards I proceeded to enter the men’s restroom…and use it. Because I am a moron.
So I guess what I’m getting at is that I played that whole thing of really smooth. (No I didn’t)
There’s no way that guy thought I was a moron. (Yes there is)
I’m not sure how I don’t have a husband yet because I’m a super great catch. (That’s questionable)
I mean, if my life were a chick flick I would probably have fallen in love with that repair man. We would be frolicking about downtown Nashville right this second. But since my life is not a Hollywood movie, I’m sitting on the couch watching How I Met Your Mother and replaying this same scenario over and over in my head, questioning why I allowed it to play out the way it did. And I keep coming to the same conclusion: because I’m Amanda. I’m an idiot.
And since I can’t escape myself I’ll just hope some man find my awkwardness endearing and falls in love with me, but I’m sure it’s not going to be that soap dispenser guy. Pretty positive he think’s I’m an idiot.