[Disclaimer: This is about hockey….again. I’m so sorry. I have a serious issue. If you hate hockey, I apologize, but hey look on the bright side, hockey will be over in June and then we can focus on the Olympics.]
Hey there Sid.
Why do you look so sad? This doesn’t have anything to do with you and your Penguins not advancing to the second round of the NHL playoffs does it?
You’re kinda bummed about it?
Really bummed actually?
You really, really hate the Flyers now?
Well, to be fair Sid, you’ve only beat them in your brand spankin’ new Consol Energy Center like twice. Ever. That’s a pretty terrible statistic. You should be good at winning at home. Most teams are. However you guys seem to choke at home. Why do you do that? What is wrong with you?
Although you are really good at beating teams that aren’t the Flyers, so that’s neat. You even beat my Nashville Predators. BTW: I’m still a little PO’d about that SIDNEY. Why’d ya do that??
I seem to have digressed a little though. We’re focusing on the fact that you lost in the first round of the playoffs, crushing my dreams of a Predators – Penguins championship. But who needs a 2nd Stanley Cup victory anyways? That’s just selfish of you to not share that joy with the other 29 teams.
So chin up grumpy gills!! You have so much more free time now, with all that pesky hockey out of the way. You can do so many activities!
Because I like you, I’ve taken the time to come up with some suggestions as to how you can spend your summer now that hockey is no longer an option. You’re very welcome.
Go to the zoo. Look at the real penguins. They’re super precious and they’ll make you forget all your woes of being a loser. (not a loser at life, just hockey)
Become a weather man. You have a weatherman face. I can’t explain it. It could be your nose, I don’t know. You just look like a weatherman to me. Plus, you’ve already got the wardrobe for it.
Take anger management classes. Then you won’t want to fight Claude Giroux next season. My poor little heart can’t handle it when you two fight. I love you both too much.
Buy a goat. Name it Sidney Jr. and call it Sid the Kid for short. HILARIOUS! (Get it Sid. Baby goats are called kids. People call you Sid the kid. I’m the best aren’t I?)
Come visit me! We’ll do lunch. What do you like? Chicken? I can cook chicken. That’s pretty much it though. And hot pockets. I can cook hot pockets.
Take up the guitar. Girls love a dude who can play guitar. They also love a dude who plays hockey. A hockey player who plays guitar? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YES PLEASE!
Cry. Just let it all out Sid. No one will know, plus everyone who hates you already calls you Cindy Crysby. (People are not very clever apparently) Just let the tears flow. Once they do you can let go of your depression from losing and move on. I won’t tell anyone that you cried.
Come visit me again. I cannot stress this enough. You should come visit me. I am a good time. Plus I live in Nashville. We’ve got lots of guitars here. You could knock out that learn to play guitar thing as well.
Write an apology letter to Claude Giroux and Jakub Voracek. You were very rude to them. If you need a refresher, go here to our previous conversation: Sid, are you a child?
And finally, again, I cannot stress this one enough. Come and visit me. We’ll hang. And you know, if we fell in love and got married that’d be cool too. Then you can support me with your millions and I can sit at home and watch hockey for the rest of my life. Plus we could also go to some hockey games while you’re here, because the Nashville Predators are still in the playoffs. They don’t suck.
You just let me know whenever you want to come visit me. My schedule is pretty open.*
*This is because all I do is watch hockey and write letters to people who will never, ever see them. I’m insane aren’t I?
- 2012 NHL Playoffs, Penguins Vs. Flyers: Reaction To Penguins’ First Round Exit (pittsburgh.sbnation.com)
- Amanda’s Guide to Playoff Hockey (yeldaba.wordpress.com)
- Claude Giroux Takes Center Stage As Flyers Eliminate Penguins (rantsports.com)