In a mere 38 hours I will turn twenty-three years old. 23 years is a pretty long time. It’s almost a quarter of a century. With 23 years I have had plenty of time to become a wunderkind. For instance Mark Zuckerberg had already created Facebook and become a millionaire by the age of 23. Babe Ruth had been playing in the MLB for 4 years. Adele has won 8 Grammy’s at the age of 23. And by the time Doogie Howser turned 23, he had been a very successful doctor for 7 years.
And with my 23 years of life? Well I have accomplished nothing. I went to school for 17 of those years. I spent approximately $80,000 on a college degree which I’m not currently using. And I did many, many stupid things. But because I’m ever the eternal optimist, I’ve utilized these stupid things as life lessons, which I’m going to share with you now. (You’re welcome!)
If you spill nail polish remover on your iPod, the genius’ CANNOT fix it.
If you aren’t sure what the man at Chipotle just said, ask him to repeat himself don’t just shout the word black. He might not be asking about beans and you might make a fool of yourself.
If you wear a white shirt to work with a classroom of children, one of them WILL get a nose bleed.
No matter how many times you practice the phone message you are going to leave, when you get sent to voice mail, you will babble in coherently.
If you poop your pants in kindergarten and think no one noticed, the teacher totally knew and told your mom about it.
Green nail polish on your toes will look like fungus. Don’t do it.
If you drop a pile of papers, no handsome men will swoop in to help you pick them up. Nor will they proceed to woo you. Hollywood is full of lies.
You can pump yourself up for that meet and greet with a Belarusian hockey player and plan out what you will say to them all you want. But when you are actually in front of that person, you will only be able to mutter the word “Hi.”
People aren’t as kind as you think. They’ll let you walk around with pen on your forehead or your fly unzipped all day without telling you.
If you think there’s any possibility that your pants might rip while you’re at work, don’t wear them. They will rip.
Don’t wear a grey shirt for your presentation in speech class, because…nervous sweats and pit stains.
Sometimes the 3 year olds win in the battle of the wills and sanity. But then they’ll tell you that they love you and it’s all good.
When you feel like you’ve accomplished nothing all day, you probably haven’t, but a cupcake will make you feel better.
If you don’t save your 10 page exegesis paper, your computer will crash. It will make you cuss.
All the MASH games might tell you that you’ll be married by 18. Don’t listen to it. 18 is too young. Shoot, 23 is too young.
And finally 23 years is long enough to know that your life is still pretty great, despite the fact that you are employed as a glorified babysitter who gets paid far too little to get kicked in the shins daily.
Sure, my 23 years haven’t made me a Grammy award-winning singer or a surgeon, but they’ve been pretty good to me. So here’s hoping this next year is just as kind.
Also, just as a side note, if any of you are looking for a last-minute present for me, a date with Shea Weber would be cool, or I’m good with cash.