[Disclaimer: I am a liar. And none of this is true. I don’t really have a desire to be squatcher. I apologize if I offend any ‘true’ squatchers out there.]
As far as I’m concerned hockey season is over*. And that is why I have decided to focus my energies on something else.
I have decided to become a Sasquatch hunter, or as we in field call it, a Squatcher.
I know what you’re thinking, “That Amanda is a big idiot. First of all Bigfoot is not real. Second he lives in the Northwest. Third she has a college degree, why is she hunting Bigfoot? And lastly, does she not know Bigfoot is not real?”
And to you skeptics I respond by saying this, “PAH! ‘squatches are as real as the day is long! And if he only lives in the Northwest then how do you explain THIS? As for the college degree thing, well, that’s not working out for me so squatching it is! And I already addressed the fact that Bigfoot is real!” So…HA!
Since I’m a squatching newbie, I’ve been doing a lot of research in order to find the best way to tackle this new goal of mine. So far what I’ve learned is:
#1: Bigfoot eats nuts and berries and Jack Link’s beef jerky.
#2. Bigfoot smells absolutely terrible.
#3. Bigfoot has been spotted 85 times in Tennessee. 227 times in Oregon. I need to go to Oregon.
#4. Bigfoot is really sneaky.
And here’s the other thing; people have taken numerous photos of the guy, but no one has ever captured him. Well, that’s not true, technically the Henderson family did in the movie Harry and the Hendersons. (I like to believe that was a documentary not a fictional film)
So basically, I’m making it my personal life goal to capture a sasquatch. And once I do, I’m going to keep it. Because I’m what you would call a ‘planner’, I’ve gone ahead and formulated my plan of attack on making this dream a reality.
First I’m going to spend my life savings on beef jerky and acorns. Then I’m going to go deep into the woods of Oregon. Once I get there I will set a trap.
I will put all the beef jerky and nuts in a big pile. Around the pile I will place a circle of rope. I will then shimmy myself into a giant tree with the end of the rope. When Bigfoot catches a whiff of that delicious dried beef, he’ll have no choice but to grab himself a handful. As he steps inside that rope…BAM! I pull the rope, it tightens around Bigfoot and he falls to the ground. I shimmy back down the tree and introduce myself to Bigfoot. Initially he’s skeptical about me, until I let him sniff my hand. Once he realizes I’m safe, we become immediate BFFs and we change his name to Kevin.
When we first return to civilization people don’t like Kevin. They find him quite frightening, but soon enough the world realizes that Kevin is really just a kind-hearted guy like the rest of us. Kevin then finds a lucrative career as a motivational speaker, telling his story of being a societal outcast based on his odor and hairy face, (Oh, btw, Bigfoot can talk) changing many lives along the way.
Once this happens sasquatches all over the world are able to come out of hiding. Soon we are a society of humans and sasquatches living in peace and harmony.
That’s the world I want to live in. A world where Bigfoot does not have to hide. A world where Bigfoot, now called Kevin, uses his story to change others’ lives.
So there’s what I’ll be doing for the rest of 2012.
In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be at Costco buying all the beef jerky.
*This does NOT mean I’m going to stop watching NHL Tonight every evening, nor does it mean I won’t be watching the rest of the playoffs, it just means the Preds are out so I don’t care who wins, well as long as it’s not the Rangers I don’t care.