Come friends. Join me on a visual journey of delight, intrigue and also terror.
First, I need everyone to clear their minds of all thoughts. Except for the ones about how great I am. Those can stay. Now close your eyes. The journey is about to begin.
Imagine yourself in a room with an area of approximately 200 square feet. The temperature is a balmy 85 degrees. Picture yourself sitting in a chair 10 inches off the ground at a table that is too short for your legs to fit under. You are surrounded by 9 creatures. These creatures stand 3 feet off the ground and scream. They scream a lot. Shrill, deafening screams. They have sharp talons that are used solely for evil. And they soil themselves at least twice an hour. Snot drips from their noses and their faces are covered in dirt. As much as you want to stay away from these banshees, you can’t. They climb on you. They wipe their faces on you. They do everything short of actually fusing their body to yours. You see, these creatures do not know about personal space and even if they did, they wouldn’t care. You are responsible for these 9 disgusting creatures. They depend on you for life and sustenance, yet they don’t thank you. They just throw things and leave their boogers on your jeans. As time passes the room that began as 200 square feet shrinks to a mere 10 square feet, pushing the beasts closer to you and raising the temperature to approximately 900 degrees. And finally, after 9 grueling hours of defending your internal organs, you are permitted to leave. But there’s a catch. You have to return in 12 hours and do it all again.
Ok. You may open your eyes. That was a pretty terrible visual journey right? Doesn’t seem realistic at all, huh? Well you’re incorrect. Right now you’re probably thinking to yourself, “My gosh! She just described the portal to Hell!” Wrong again!
What I’ve just described is my job! Otherwise known as the worlds best form of birth control!
Thinking of having kids? Wanting a whole litter? Come, spend the day with me! After 5 minutes your ears will be bleeding! Just gushing blood from all the shouting and tattling!
That’s not enough to deter you from procreating? Well how about when they sneeze directly in your mouth? Can’t deny the joy of that experience!
Still think kids are the bomb-diggity? Have you ever cleaned poop out of a 3 year olds underpants? I have. It is not pleasant.
You like loud talkers? I got 9 for you to borrow. You sit within 3 feet of one and your deaf for rest of your life.
Oh but wait! There’s more. Nose bleeds! Chewed up food! Pee on the carpet! Sound intriguing still? Well then go ahead! Have a litter of kids. Also make sure you book your trip to the psych ward early because you’ll definitely be needing it!
I hope this public service announcement will prevent several of you from attempting to give birth to nonuplets (it’s a thing. Google it) I do not recommend 9 children of the same age. Shoot, I don’t recommend 9 children at all. Probably just stick with just 1 or 2 if you insist on procreating. And certainly if you’re going to have 9, my gosh, spread those suckers out!
[In all seriousness though, my job is pretty great. Shoot, I get paid to have the maturity of a 3 year old and dig for worms. Plus sometimes they do great things like wear their jeans backwards. Can’t get that working in a cubicle.]