Where Is Michael Phelps’ Dad? The World Wants To Know!

[I made absolutely every part of this up. Except for the quote from wikipedia. That part was true. The rest is all a lie. I apparently get my jollies from making up horrible facts about famous people. Sorry. Please don’t leave any angry comments telling me I’m an idiot for making up lies. Those hurt my feelings. Thanks]

 

Despite having spent 17 of my 23 years in education there are still many things that I do not know the answer to.  Why is the sky blue? why do women have to shave their legs, what is silly putty made of and where in the heck is Michael Phelps‘ father? I know the guy has a father. I won’t get into it but science says there must be a woman AND a man present to make a child. Unless you’re going with the stork theory, which could explain Michael’s extremely large wingspan. But because I don’t believe in the stork, I know this man has to have a father.

I’ve watched a lot of Olympics in my day. When a 15-year-old Michael Phelps showed up on the radar during the 2000 games in Sydney, no one knew what a star he was going to be. And no one knew how many sleepless nights I would have because of his apparent absentee father. I’ve quite literally agonized over this for years. You see clip after clip of his overbearing mother, Debbie Phelps, but not once has Michael Fred Phelps Jr. been shown rooting for his son, the human fish.

And because I am an inquisitive person, I did a little digging on the man. And of course I went to the best research place on the world wide web, wikipedia. According the pedia of wiki’s “Michael Phelps (the father), is a retired Maryland state trooper who played football in high school and college and tried out for the Washington Redskins in the 1970s. Phelps’ parents divorced in 1994, and his father remarried in 2000.” Through a little more research I discovered that the man was not in Beijing when Michael Phelps (the son) had a record-breaking week, stating that he preferred to watch from home. Other than that, there is nothing about the guy. He’s well-hidden from the spotlight and is a mystery to me and the rest of the world.

Now even if I had an estranged relationship with my child, I would still be there rooting for their success. Sure I probably wouldn’t sit with my former spouse, but I would still be present in the building. Well, that is if I wasn’t one of the most hated people in America.

Michael Phelps (the son) has a middle name of Fred. Fred Phelps. Ring any bells? You know, Fred Phelps, the dummy who is the leader of Westboro Baptist Church. The group of idiots who find a reason to protest absolutely everything. Those guys.

If that was my estranged father I wouldn’t allow him to follow me to the Olympics either. And I certainly don’t blame his mother for ending that marriage and cutting ties. That guy is a terrible person. Plus on the other side of it, if I was the most hated guy ever, I wouldn’t sit in a crowd of 1000’s of people who wanted to punch me in the face. That would not be an enjoyable experience.

I support Michael Phelps’ decision to keep the identity of his father a secret. I would definitely not let anyone know I was related to him. Plus, now I understand a little more about how Ryan Lochte could possibly hate Michael and his puppy dog eyes. It’s obviously because he knows the truth behind Phelps’ family tree.

This guy…

Pastor Fred Phelps

The world’s most hated Phelps

is this guy’s secret father

English: President George W. Bush poses for a ...

The world’s most favorite Phelps. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mystery solved. Case closed.

 

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4 comments on “Where Is Michael Phelps’ Dad? The World Wants To Know!

  1. sweetmother says:

    brilliant! and oh how crazy glorious it would be if it were true… like hitler being mother theresa’s dad or something like that… a great post.

  2. GMc says:

    Apparently the senior Mr. Phelps chose not to have a relationship with the young Michael Phelps, and Mrs. Phelps has done a brilliant job with her children. The senior Phelps, I think has missed out on getting to know his son who very clearly appears to be a very decent, dedicated, loving son to his mother. Lucky each to have the other. Happy retirement Michael, you deserve only good things.

  3. you should check your facts and accusations again. they simply don’t agree with wikipedia’s facts: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_Phelps

    • yeldaba says:

      I know. It was a joke. The whole thing was a lie. That’s why at the beginning I had a disclaimer stating that I, in fact, made all of this up. I guess you missed that whole first part.

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