Freaking Angry Birds. Stop Ruining Our Nation

Let’s get real guys. America is a really weird place. We put sweaters on our pets, watch the Kardashian’s do absolutely nothing for hours upon hours, do the cha-cha slide and most of all, we fling stupid looking birds at round, green pigs.

Imagine if you were trying to explain the game Angry Birds to someone who had no idea what it was:

Angry Birds

Angry Birds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“What’s that game?”
“Oh. It’s Angry Birds.”
“What’s the point?”
“I’m trying to kill all those pigs because they took my eggs.”
“Those don’t look like birds….that one is triangular-shaped and that other one looks like a bomb.”
“Well, that’s because the bomb one explodes and blows up those wooden block and the triangle one can plow through the wood block.”
“But why do they need to?”
“To kill the pigs.”
“Those don’t look like pigs. Where are their legs?”
“I don’t know, I guess they’re obese and you can’t see their legs anymore.”
“But why are you trying to kill them?”
“Because they stole the bird eggs.”
“To do what with them?”
“Eat them I guess.”
“Pigs don’t eat eggs….”
“These do.”
“Why does killing the pigs get the eggs back? And why are they balanced so precariously on cliffs and blocks?”
“It just does. And because they hide the eggs there to keep the birds from getting them back.”
“Why do you have to use a slingshot? Don’t birds know how to fly?”
“Not these ones. They have tiny wings.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. They just do.”
“This game is stupid….why are they in space now?”
“Oh. This is the new game Angry Birds Space.”
“……..”
“Leave me alone. I’m learning physics and the value of perseverance.”
“Sure….What are those stars for?”
“You get stars when you win.
“For what?”
“Just for winning.”
“How do you get 3 stars?”
“By getting a really high score.”
“How do you get a high score?”
“You have to kill all the pigs with as few birds as possible. Then you win.”
“……”

Seriously though guys. Why am I so obsessed with this game? It’s the world’s most ridiculous game and I can’t stop playing. I’ve spent approximately all day long, playing the same levels over and over trying to get all 3 stars. I have a problem. And apparently so does the rest of the world as it’s always the number one downloaded game in the app store. It’s a brain numbing game and we’re all playing it. We’re slowly getting dumber as a nation and this game is at fault. Kids aren’t studying anymore, they’re playing Angry Birds. College students aren’t going to class…because they’re playing angry birds. And numerous grown adults are missing work because, you guessed it, those darn Angry Birds. It’s no wonder we have a terrible economy. We can’t stop flinging birds at round green pigs. We’re all going to turn into bloated parodies of ourselves while we sit and stare at our smart phones for hours on end and not a single one of us cares. Because it has sucked us in and we can’t stop. Ever.

But I don’t really care. I’m not going to stop until I get 3 stars on every level, I’m not. Because I am part of the Angry Birds problem.

Help. Me.

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