Category Archives: Hockey

Where In The World Is Patrik Elias?

Those of you who aren’t as enamored with hockey as I am may not be aware, but for the past few weeks the world of hockey has been the scene of an unsolved crime.

On June 11, 2012 the Los Angeles Kings overcame a 44 year drought to become first time Stanley Cup Champions. I don’t know if you’ve ever attempted to win a Stanley Cup, but I think it’s pretty difficult. I’ve been trying on my Wii, but they’re not even real people and I still can’t do it. So It’s pretty big deal when your team wins the Stanley Cup. There are parades, champagne showers, lots of cheering, and sometimes an occasional f-bomb in a victory speech. And one thing that’s a tradition, really in any sport, is to keep the game winning puck (or ball in all those other sports) and display it somewhere, where everyone can see it and say, “Hey look! There’s the puck that the Los Angeles Kings used to beat the New Jersey Devils in the Stanley Cup Final. Super neat-o!!” But something terrible happened with this puck. The game winning puck disappeared.

The last anyone knew of the puck was that New Jersey Devil’s left winger Patrik Elias flipped it up into his glove after the final horn of the game. Then Elias proceed to exit the ice and give his stick to a random fellow in the crowd. He disappeared into the locker room for a few unaccounted for minutes then returned to the ice to shake hands with his opponents, at this point in the evening Elias was puck-less.

Now why would Patrik Elias want this puck? Did he want it to display the puck that was used to beat his team? Did he want to hurt the Kings by not allowing them to have it? Was he going to sell it on ebay for millions of czech koruna? No one really knows. All we really know is that the puck disappeared for 2 weeks and 4 days. And then it was found hidden, deep inside Elias duffel bag. Patrik is trying to take the pressure off of himself saying he didn’t know he had it and what not, and he tried to make it better by sending it to the Kings. But no, he is full of lies. He knew exactly where that puck was for those unaccounted days. Why would the puck be in his duffel bag if he hadn’t been traveling the world with Pucky, as I call him? So I did a little digging and you’ll never believe what I found.

As it turns out Patrik Elias fled the country after their loss with puck in hand. He took ol’ Pucky here on a bit of a world-wide excursion.

First they headed to Italy and did a classic “holding up the leaning tower” pose.

Next they jetted over to Paris to visit the Eiffel Tower.

The last leg of the European tour was a trip to Patrik’s home country of Czechoslovakia.

Oh, now this is just cruel. A comically large Stanley Cup champion puck on the Hollywood sign. C’mon Elias, rub it in a little more that you have their puck why don’t you.

Apparently in his world travels he even made a trip with the puck to my own city of Nashville and was hanging out on Broadway. What the heck? How did I not know?

And finally, Patrick and Pucky took a trip to the shore with, well, you know, the Jersey Shore crew. Look how precious Pucky is nestled gingerly in Snooki’s poof like that.

Sure it’s a little weird that he did all these things and then sent the puck back to the Kings, but who am I to judge? Maybe he just wanted a little taste of the victory as well. And when you’re Patrik Elias that means you spend a few special days with a champion hockey puck. I hope you had fun Elias, I hope you did! I’m just glad that Pucky is finally back with his rightful owners.

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Are You Kidding Me? Volume 2

I did it again. I was reading yahoo, I should stop doing that because every time I do I’m left shaking my head in confusion. But, since I’m incapable of learning my lesson it brings me to another edition of “Are you kidding me?”

This story takes place in the magical land of Canada. The land known for mounted police and the classic John Candy film, Canadian Bacon. Now, thankfully, Canada can also be known as the land where 40 year old hockey coaches get arrested after tripping 13 year old hockey players.

This delightful incident occurred at the end of a youth league hockey game. Apparently the ‘unnamed’ coach’s team lost. Mr. Unnamed was upset at the fact that his team lost. Therefore he did the most logical thing a grown man can do in the situation. He tripped a preteen during the handshake line. But don’t think he did this without proper reasoning. No, no, he had logic behind his actions.

You see, the game was supposed to be two teams of 10-12 year old boys. And as it turns out, sometimes 10-12 year old boys have birthdays. And when they have birthdays they become 11-13 year old boys. This boy was 13. So, I guess that makes sense. He turned 13 after the season started, so he should have been immediately kicked off the team and not allowed to play. And since he was still allowed to play, he needed to be tripped. I can totally understand where this coach is coming from. Obviously that one boy was the only reason their team lost. So, you know, he must be punished and the best mature way to go about that would be to stick a foot out and cause him to hit the ground. Now he will know never to be 13 years old again. Problem solved!

So I guess that’s cool that youth league coaches are super mature and not jerks at all. I can only hope that someday my children can be coached by a gem, such as this man. And if not, well I guess I’ll trip them myself.

 

So here’s to you, Unnamed Coach:

You, sir, are a grade A nimrod. And that entire team (including that pesky 13 year old) should be allowed to shoot slap shots at you until you become a logical adult, which by my estimation will take a long, long time.

That is all. Have a lovely day.

 

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You Mean New Jersey’s Mascot ISN’T Beelzebub?

The NHL playoffs are almost over. A group of 16 has been narrowed down to a mere 2 teams; the Los Angeles Kings and the New Jersey Devils.

No one could have predicted such an anomaly occurring. What happened to the Penguins / Predators final? Well, they both choked. (which by the way, has led me into a deep, dark, depression, full of catching up on Glee and playing games of NBA Jam. Come back to me Preds!!) And that is why America is left to choose between a team from a land full of celebrities or a team from a land where tan guidos freely roam the streets. Kind of a lose-lose situation if you ask me.

So you’re probably debating on which bandwagon you are going to jump on for the Stanley Cup Finals, right? No? Just me? Oh well. I’m going to continue anyway.

Both teams have their perks but also their…not-perks (what the heck would that word be?)

New Jersey Devils

  • Contrary to popular belief the people of New Jersey do not support Satan. Instead they support the mythical Jersey Devil that resembles a moose with wings. Pro? Maybe?
  • Snooki. Con.
  • Puddy is on their side. Pro, classic Seinfeld episode.
  • Used to be the Kansas City Scouts. Pro, everything from Kansas is great.
  • Only team bold enough to actually declare themselves a part of New Jersey. Con. Why would they want to admit that?
  • Zach Parise. Pro. Guy is a beaut!

  • 3 Stanley Cups Pro, for experience. Con, because I like underdogs.
  • Not the Nashville Predators. Con. 

Los Angeles Kings
  • Wayne Gretzky. Pro. DUH. Dude’s a legend.
  • Dustin Brown. Con, kinda looks like a weasel.
  • Anze Kopitar. Pro, makes up for weasel-faced Brown
  • Lion mascot. Con, not real creative for a team in a land full of struggling actors and writers.
  • They chirp super hard on twitter. Pro. HILARIOUS. Check it out: @LAKings
  • Gave tickets to Rainn Wilson in a jello mold. Pro, also hilarious.
  • 8 seed that has won 12 out of the 14 games they’ve played. Pro. Has the makings of a great Disney movie.
  • 0 Stanley Cups. Pro, underdogs
  • Also not the Nashville Predators. Con

So there you go. An exhaustive list* of the best and worst qualities of each team. Do with it what you will.
As for me, well, I like movies where teams overcome adversity and win championships so ya, I’m going with the Kings. Plus I seriously enjoy their twitter.

 *not even close.

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This Is Why I Can’t Have Nice Things

An open letter to the Nashville Predators:

You had such a great season. If there was ever a year that your team could win a Stanley Cup, this was the year. Your team was strong, you were feisty, you had it all. Your GM, David Poile even went out and added a few more pieces to your offense to make your team just that much stronger for cup contention. But little did Poile know, it was all in vain…

Because I was on your side.

Ya…I’d give me that look too Rads.

I should have seen this coming. I’m not allowed to have nice things. I’ve never been on the side of a sports team who was good at what they do. I should have known it was too good to be true when you guys had a winning record and I was rooting for you.

You see, I grew up in Kansas City. I’ve been a Kansas City Royals fan since I can remember. (Sure when I was little tike, I only enjoyed games for the hot dogs, but as time went on, I became a fan for the baseball aspect rather than the tubular meats thing) I don’t know if you know this, but the Royals are terrible. For example, I was born in 1989. Since that year the Royals have registered 0 World Series titles/appearances, 0 Central Division titles, and have been wild cards a grand total of…0 times. I know it seems crazy for me to say that this is my fault, but it is. Hang with me here.

Now initially, I thought my curse was solely based on my direct proximity to the team. I went ahead and proclaimed that this would be the Royals year since I no longer live in Kansas. I even went as far as to say that the Atlanta Braves would just be terrible because of my very presence in the South. And guess what happened. The Braves are great and the Royals, well, they are still terrible. It turns out it has nothing to do with my physical presence. The Royals have won a grand total of 9 games out of the 28 they have played. I don’t know if you guys can do math, but that’s a horrible winning percentage. Apparently, if my heart is for a team they’ll suck. I even thought that maybe if I claimed allegiance to the Braves it would help, but my Braves allegiance wasn’t sincere. My mouth said Braves, but my heart still says Royals. And that’s why the Royals cannot possible succeed until I completely cut my ties from them. I bring bad luck.

I don’t know why I posses this terrible ability, but I do. Every time I voice my opinion on what team I want to proceed to the next round, they’re out. The Panthers, Penguins, Blackhawks and now you guys. I wanted wins from each of these teams, and now they’re out. All of them. If I even think a positive thought about a team, they lose.

And I’m afraid I have brought this same curse to you. I thought maybe the curse didn’t cross over to hockey since you made it out of the first round verse the Red Wings. But no. The day I shelled out the cash for a Craig Smith jersey a dark cloud fell over the Bridgestone Arena, you guys were doomed from that moment. I claimed allegiance to you, and for that I am sorry. You will never, ever win a Stanley Cup no matter how much you, me, and everyone in Nashville wants it. I ruin teams. I apparently carry bad sports karma with me wherever I go. The hockey gods hate me. And for that I am sorry. Because of me, you are cursed to never win Lord Stanley’s Cup. I could pretend to not like you anymore so maybe you’d have a chance at winning, but we all know that wouldn’t work. As long as my heart still says Preds, you will not succeed.

I completely understand if you want to murder me. I would if I were you. But who knows, maybe next year is your year*

I guess for now I’ll just refocus my energy elsewhere. I’m kind of hoping the Capitals make it to the end, so they’ll probably lose tomorrow night.

Until next year,
Amanda aka, A Sports Teams Worst Nightmare.

PS. When all of your Unrestricted Free Agents leave this summer, that one’s on me too. Again, so sorry.

PPS. I was rooting for the Flyers tonight. Guess what happened. Yep. They’re done for the season, headed out to the links for a game of golf tomorrow. Aaaand, it’s all my fault.

PPPS. Yep. I took out the Capitals too. Just as I expected.

*Since I just said that, it definitely won’t be.

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“Hockey Fights Are Good For Your Health”, Declared The Amanda

I’ve been watching a lot of hockey recently. Shocking, I know. But, you know what, it’s the playoffs, so get off my back. Everyone is watching hockey right now. I’m not crazy, okay? So now that we’ve got that awkward incident behind us, let’s get to the real juicy stuff…hockey fights are great.


I’m not really a violent person, but I really like it when there are fights in hockey. Everyone does. Even non-hockey fans. These altercations are kind of a big deal. They often start because of simple inconveniences like, “Hey, I want to skate over there, but that guy is in my way! I’ll just slam him into the wall! There. DONE!” Then the person who got slammed into the wall retaliates and slams the original ‘slammer’ into another wall. Sticks hit the ice, the gloves come off, and voila, good old-fashioned fisticuffs are had. Each party goes to their specified timeout box* and 5 minutes later they emerge and the air is clear. No longer are they angry about being pushed into a wall. They’ve completely forgotten about that irritating little incident that led to their fight and they just get back to playing hockey. That is, until they get shoved into a wall again, then the whole process starts again, but let’s just pretend that doesn’t happen, okay? Thanks.

It is no secret that I hate people. They are the worst. Sometimes I just want to punch them. So I started thinking, maybe I wouldn’t hate people as much if I could hockey fight them when they annoy me. It seems to work for hockey players. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Instead of getting irritated and allowing the anger and rage to eat away at my soul, I’m going to do the healthy thing:

I’m going shove people into walls and then punch them in the face repeatedly.

It’s a brilliant plan. If someone nearly runs me down with a shopping cart in Walmart. I’ll just shove them into the boxes of Moon Pies. They’ll push me into the Tastykakes. I drop my shampoo right there and we have it out. 30 seconds later, we’re done. We both head off in our separate directions never to speak of it again.

If I’m driving to work, and the person behind me thinks I’m driving too slow and is therefore tailgating me, I’ll just slam on my brakes and jump out of my car. Fisticuffs will happen. Then we’ll get in our respective cars. I go on to work, granted I have a bloody nose, but a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I no longer hate the tailgater.

Logical right? and I’m almost sure that I won’t get in legal trouble for this. Especially if I explain to law enforcement that I’m simply implementing hockey fight rules into every day life. They’ll totally understand. Definitely…maybe….probably not, but it’s worth a shot. No one ever got anywhere by not trying right?

And hey, if physical violence isn’t your thing, go D2: The Mighty Ducks style and just pull their shirt up over their head, rendering them momentarily blind. It’ll make you feel better and make them look a fool.

*Some might call these penalty boxes. Those people are not Amanda.

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Amanda’s Top 10 Hockey Names (Because The World Needs to Know)

Hey there guys!

How’s it going?

Good?

Ya?

That’s so great to hear! So anyway, guess what this post is about!

Nope, not puppies.

Uh uh. Not my world famous cheese quesadilla recipe.

Oh, no. It is certainly not about my world travels.

That’s right! It’s about hockey! Are you guys shocked? Surprised? Neither? Ok, well I should have seen that coming, especially since the word hockey is in the title just a few inches away up there.

But guys! There are so many great names in the sport of hockey and I need to world to know about them!

And that is precisely why I have come up with my top 10 greatest hockey names ever. (and by ever, I mean currently playing. So don’t get all cranky because I don’t choose Mario Lemieux)

In my little world, in order for a person to have a great hockey name it has to posses at least one of these key qualities:
1. I must not be able to pronounce the name correctly on my first try.
2. The name has double letters (aa, bb, cc, etc.)
3. The name appears to be missing letters and/or short on vowels.
4. It just sounds like a hockey name (I have no concrete explanation for why something sounds like a hockey name, it just happens)
5. It makes me giggle a little bit when I hear it.

Craig Smith – Nashville Predators
Pronounced, Jar-ig, Smit-le. Ha. Just kidding guys. It’s just Craig Smith. Pronounced Craig Smith.  This is the most boring hockey name that has ever existed, ever, in the history of ever. Got ya guys didn’t I? I’m really hilarious.

Ok, but for real here they are, in no particular order:

Harry Zolnierczyk – Philadelphia Flyers
No matter how many times I hear this man’s name pronnounced, I still have no idea how to say it. Zol-ner-zik? Zo-LA-neer-chick? Zolajkjeiakdlkljakjwejfgn? I have no idea. I can prounounce Harry though. That one’s easy.

Zbyněk Michálek – Pittsburgh Penguins
First of all, this one has diacritical marks on it. that’s not even fair. I’m a midwestern American girl. I have no idea what those mean, so ya I have no chance of getting this one right. Plus there is literally one vowel in his first name. And it’s got a mark on it. Z-by-neck? Zeb-nek? ZEEEBY-nik? I don’t know. I don’t even try on this one.

Roman Josi – Nashville Predators
Roman. Yo-see. Yo! See! Can’t even be mad at that name. No way he can be anything in life, except a hockey player. “I’m here to see Dr. Josi.” Nope, not working. “Josi scores!!” Perfect.

Byron Bitz – Vancouver Canucks
This one, well, this one is just a solid hockey name. “Bitz shoots and it’s good!” “The penalty goes to Bitz.” “Bitz won the faceoff.” It just fits in the hockey world. It just does.

Cal Clutterbuck – Minnesota Wild
Clutterbuck. Enough said. So perfect! Plus the guy can grow the beard of a Norse god. A necessity in the hockey world. Ever heard of playoff beards?

José Theodore – Florida Panthers
I love this one simply because while I see the name HO-say, his name is actually JOE-zay. Those darn diacritical marks strike again. Only in a sport filled with Europeans would this happen…except he’s Canadian. Well, whatever, dude’s a dreamboat.

Dustin Byfuglien – Winnipeg Jets
Yep. Byfuglien. Just that. By-fug-lien. Hilarious. I don’t care what you say wikipedia, it’s not prounuced by-foo-glee-an. He will always by By-Fug-Len, to me. And I like it that way. He just looks like a Byfuglien.

Radim Vrbata –  Phoenix Coyotes
Every single time I see this guy’s name I can’t help but think someone forgot to put the rest of the letters in it. Something is missing and he is being punk’d. It just doesn’t look right. Plus what is it? Ver-bada? I don’t know.

Pekka Rinne – Nashville Predators
Really, did you guys not see this one coming? Double letters in both first and last name. Um, yep. Plus the guy is a dreamboat. A TOTAL DREAMBOAT!
Anyone named Alexander – Every Hockey Team Ever
Radulov, Ovechkin, Semin, I don’t care. Alexander combined with anything is a great hockey name. And if your name is Alexander, you just look like a hockey player. Fact. Plus the name always looks like it’s missing a letter at the end. I want a silent “e” there or something. It looks unbalanced. My OCD wants closure on that name.

 

There.

Now you can all rest peacefully tonight knowing which players I think have the best names in all of hockey. You are so very welcome.

Sidney Crosby! What Will You Do With All Your Free Time?

[Disclaimer: This is about hockey….again. I’m so sorry. I have a serious issue. If you hate hockey, I apologize, but hey look on the bright side, hockey will be over in June and then we can focus on the Olympics.]

Hey there Sid.

Why do you look so sad? This doesn’t have anything to do with you and your Penguins not advancing to the second round of the NHL playoffs does it?

It does?

You’re kinda bummed about it?

Really bummed actually?

You really, really hate the Flyers now?

Well, to be fair Sid, you’ve only beat them in your brand spankin’ new Consol Energy Center like twice. Ever. That’s a pretty terrible statistic. You should be good at winning at home. Most teams are. However you guys seem to choke at home. Why do you do that? What is wrong with you?

Although you are really good at beating teams that aren’t the Flyers, so that’s neat. You even beat my Nashville Predators. BTW: I’m still a little PO’d about that SIDNEY. Why’d ya do that??

I seem to have digressed a little though. We’re focusing on the fact that you lost in the first round of the playoffs, crushing my dreams of a Predators – Penguins championship. But who needs a 2nd Stanley Cup victory anyways? That’s just selfish of you to not share that joy with the other 29 teams.

So chin up grumpy gills!! You have so much more free time now, with all that pesky hockey out of the way. You can do so many activities!

Because I like you, I’ve taken the time to come up with some suggestions as to how you can spend your summer now that hockey is no longer an option. You’re very welcome.

Go to the zoo. Look at the real penguins. They’re super precious and they’ll make you forget all your woes of being a loser. (not a loser at life, just hockey)

Become a weather man. You have a weatherman face. I can’t explain it. It could be your nose, I don’t know. You just look like a weatherman to me. Plus, you’ve already got the wardrobe for it.
Take anger management classes. Then you won’t want to fight Claude Giroux next season. My poor little heart can’t handle it when you two fight. I love you both too much.

Buy a goat. Name it Sidney Jr. and call it Sid the Kid for short. HILARIOUS! (Get it Sid. Baby goats are called kids. People call you Sid the kid. I’m the best aren’t I?)

Come visit me! We’ll do lunch. What do you like? Chicken? I can cook chicken. That’s pretty much it though. And hot pockets. I can cook hot pockets.

Take up the guitar. Girls love a dude who can play guitar. They also love a dude who plays hockey. A hockey player who plays guitar? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YES PLEASE!

Cry. Just let it all out Sid. No one will know, plus everyone who hates you already calls you Cindy Crysby. (People are not very clever apparently) Just let the tears flow. Once they do you can let go of your depression from losing and move on. I won’t tell anyone that you cried.

Come visit me again. I cannot stress this enough. You should come visit me. I am a good time. Plus I live in Nashville. We’ve got lots of guitars here. You could knock out that learn to play guitar thing as well.

Write an apology letter to Claude Giroux and Jakub Voracek. You were very rude to them. If you need a refresher, go here to our previous conversation: Sid, are you a child?

And finally, again, I cannot stress this one enough. Come and visit me. We’ll hang. And you know, if we fell in love and got married that’d be cool too. Then you can support me with your millions and I can sit at home and watch hockey for the rest of my life. Plus we could also go to some hockey games while you’re here, because the Nashville Predators are still in the playoffs. They don’t suck.

You just let me know whenever you want to come visit me. My schedule is pretty open.*

*This is because all I do is watch hockey and write letters to people who will never, ever see them. I’m insane aren’t I?

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Amanda’s Guide to Playoff Hockey

I talk about hockey a lot, it’s kind of my thing. But let’s be real, I don’t have a lot going for me right now, so pretty much the NHL Playoffs are all I have. It’s cool though guys. Don’t worry about me. I’m not a sad sack or anything.*

But it also occurs to me that most people do not care nearly as much as I do. But I’d like everyone to because then I wouldn’t be alone in my excitement. So in an effort to bring all of you over to my side I’ve prepared this handy guide to the NHL playoffs. Just follow along and you’ll go far.

Amanda’s Simple Guide to the Stanley Cup Playoffs

You are allowed allegiance to one Western conference team and one Eastern conference team. Example: Amanda’s Western Conference Team: Nashville Predators. Amanda’s Eastern Conference Team: Pittsburgh Penguins

It is perfectly okay for all productive activities in your life to cease during the playoffs. The NHL wants you watch all the games. That’s why the show them all on tv. You don’t even have to feel like a slug for never leaving your couch. It’s totally cool.

If the hockey gods are against you and your chosen teams gets knocked out of the playoffs you are allowed to choose a replacement to fill the void. Example: Amanda’s Western conference second choice: Phoenix Coyotes. Eastern conference: Florida Panthers. Although I do not plan on needing to utilize my second choices.

If you enjoy a player on an opposing team you are not allowed to verbally admit it. Example: Claude Giroux is really great and has a red beard, but he plays for the Flyers. I cannot admit I like him because I want the Penguins to win, therefore Claude is the enemy.

While playoff beards can occasionally become disgusting we are not allowed to complain about them. They provide some sort of magical powers. Example: Kevin Klein. Dude had exactly 4 goals in 66 regular season games. He now has 2 goals in 5 playoff games. Fluke? No. Playoff beard power? Absolutely.

That’s some serious beard power

If you go to the bathroom while the puck is in play, someone will score. This is a fact proven by me. So don’t go to the bathroom, unless you like missing out on game changing moments.

It’s perfectly natural to jump around and celebrate a game winning shot even if you are alone in your living room with only a dog. Not that I’ve ever done this. That would be super weird.**

Despite the fact that Sidney Crosby‘s lips look plump enough to use as a pillow for sleeping, don’t say it out loud. Especially around males. They will think you are crazy. Again, I’ve never done this.***

Seriously, those things are plump

If you spend your hard-earned cash on playoff tickets, your team will lose that game. So that sucks, but you’ll probably still spend your money anyway just for a chance at a taste of that playoff atmosphere.

Goaltenders are weird. They just are. Don’t blame losses on them. They will take it super personally and proceed to lose 3 games in a row. Example: Marc Andre-Fleury‘s super choke at the beginning of the playoffs.

Do not NOT wear your lucky socks. You cannot afford taking a chance with the hockey gods at this point in the season. Your socks may be the only thing allowing your team to win. You don’t want to have to shoulder the blame of a loss just because you were too arrogant to wear your lucky turkey socks.

It’s absolutely okay to slam Henrik Zetterberg’s head into glass if you are Shea Weber. You will not get suspended. Totally cool. I’m a Shea Weber fan, but the guy should not have done this. Hockey gods were on his side obviously.

And finally, you can totally cry when your team doesn’t win the Stanley Cup. I won’t even make fun of you.

Editors Note: The Penguins are out. Let’s go Panthers! (Mostly just this guy. Gotta love Ol’ No-Chin Smithson)

Jerred Smithson

*Ya, I am.
**Guys I’ve done this. Several times.
***I absolutely have.

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Seriously. Where Are You Keeping Your Catfish?

Hockey is sport full of very strange traditions. There’s the whole drinking champagne out of a giant shiny cup, using the same jockstrap since juniors (I’m talking about you Sidney Crosby. You’re disgusting) and not using a razor once the playoffs begin. And then we have the incredibly strange playoff tradition of throwing sea-life onto the ice rink after your particular team scores.


Visit Joe Louis Arena in Detroit Michigan around the beginning of April. Wait until the Red Wings score a goal and the strangest thing will happen. An octopus will fly out of the crowd onto the ice. Then take a trip south to Bridgestone Arena in Nashville Tennessee. When the Predators score, a big fat catfish will just miraculous fall on the ice. And in both places a poor ice girl will be given the task of picking up the slimy creature with her bare hands and retrieving it. The crowd gets really pumped up when these sea creatures grace us with their presence. I have nothing against throwing ocean dwelling creatures on ice. In fact, I get pretty pumped up about it myself, mostly because it means my Preds have scored, but it does lead me to beg the question:

Sea Creature Throwers, how in the heck are you storing these things?

A hockey game is at least an hour and forty minutes in length. You’ve got 3 twenty minute periods with the two twenty minute intermissions in between. But then you’ve got fights that happen. Then they have to stop the clock. And then people score and the clock stops. Pucks go into the crowd. Stop the clock. Basically a game is always going to be much longer than an hour and forty minutes. Meaning you people who wait until the 3rd period to throw your catfish are storing raw meat somewhere on your person for approximately an hour and half. And we’re not talking small catfish. We’re talking real big catfish. the kind you would mount on a wall. There’s no hiding these things.

Now see, I’m a girl. I have a purse. When I go to games the people at the door want to look in my purse to make sure I have no illegal paraphernalia. I’m 110% positive that if there was a catfish or an octopus in my purse, they would notice it. And I’m more than 110% positive that if I had an ice chest preserving my seafood, they would really notice.

Are you just carryng these things in, in plain sight? Because I’m pretty sure the PA Announcer always tells me to refrain from throwing things onto the ice. Do you just explain yourself to the security at the front door. “Oh this catifsh? No. I’m not going to throw it. I only eat seafood. This is my dinner.” They’re not falling for this. They know what you’re doing with that thing.

Obviously the most logical theory is that you have this thing strapped to you in some fashion. You saran wrap that sucker to your calf don’t you? If you wear baggy enough clothing you’re golden. No one’s going to know you’ve got a fish in your pants. But that leads me to another question.

Is it not uncomfortable having a 10 pound catfish strapped to your leg for 2 periods of hockey?

It has to be getting a little stinky at that point in the game. Do the people sitting next to you not object to your odor? I know the Predators and even the Red Wings score in the first period a lot. Why don’t you just throw it then? Why do you wait until the 3rd period? That’s a strange thing. Unless….is there only one person throwing all the catfish and octopi? Are you storing more than one fish on your body and throwing one for every goal? That is some serious dedication.

So I guess, in retrospect, I don’t think you’re crazy anymore. I admire your loyalty in supporting your teams goals with sea life. Obviously it’s not easy to keep those catfish and octopuses hidden from security. And alienating those around you with your smell, well that’s just a big commitment. I applaud you, you seafood thrower. As it turns out you are a better fan than me.

Sid, Are You a Child?

Dearest Sidney Franklin (I made this middle name up) Crosby,

You know I love you and your super incredible hockey abilities (Oh and I can’t forget your lusciously large lips. Did you have work done on them? They are HUGE!) I however, have one simple question for you.

Are you 3?

You see, I’ve chosen you and your Penguins as my eastern conference team to root for in the NHL playoffs, so I’ve been intently watching your first round series versus the Philadelphia Flyers. Since the first game you guys have been very angry towards each other. There have been many brawls and lots and lots of penalties on the parts of both teams. This, I understand, is hockey so it’s okay with me, but let’s talk about Sunday.

Sunday, you seemed to have boiled over in your frustrations and anger. There were wrestling matches, hair pulling, cheap shots and I’m sure many, many adult-type words. Which, you know, whatev, hockey.

Classic hockey fight!

Side note: I teach 3 year olds for a living and the little delightful guys do things like that all the time, minus the adult-type words. (ok, sometimes even that part takes place.)

So allow me to take this moment to tell you a story: Today, one child we’ll call him Frank, wasn’t using crayons. He wasn’t even near them. Then he saw another child, we’ll call her Tina, reach for the crayons, so Frank pushed the crayons to the other side of the table just out of Tina’s reach.

That story sounds pretty familiar doesn’t it? Seems very similar to something that recently happened with you right? Remember when you made the really mature decision to push away someone’s (Jakub Voracek’s to be precise) glove as he bent down to pick it up. Right as he bent down you just stuck your stick out and shoved that glove right away from his reach. Do you recall doing this? It’s not a very mature thing to do Sid ol’ pal.

And after you acted like a 3-year-old in tossing a glove away, you also decided to get in a fight with Claude Giroux and then you said some more adult words. Now normally I wouldn’t care that much about your actions, but the way you responded when questioned about these incidents makes me truly wonder if you are actually a child that has been given hormones to grow a nasty mustache tricking all of us into thinking you’re an adult.

You see, after the game the interviewers asked you why you pushed poor, poor, Jakub’s glove across the ice and you said,

“I don’t like any guy on their team there. It was near me and he went to pick it up and I pushed it.”

First of all this did not answer their question at all. You basically just restated the question, but in essence what you said was,

“I’m a child. I was losing in a hockey game. I wanted to make him mad. I saw his glove so I pushed it. Again, let the record show, I am a child and that is why I acted like a child.”

So because you were so ridiculously ambiguous in your response the interviewers, they tried to understand your feelings more by asking for clarification as to why you don’t like the Flyers. And of course you were an open book and said,

“I don’t like them because I don’t like any guy on their team.”

Way to be super informative there, buddy! Now everyone is fully understanding why you don’t like those darn Flyers! You don’t like them because you don’t like them. Now I get it! (No I don’t.) Again, you’re acting like the 3 year olds I work with, “Why’d you hit them?” “Because they’re not my friend.” “Why?” “Because.” I have discussion like this on a daily basis. But they are 3 so it’s sort of excused from them as they can’t fully verbalize their feelings. But you are a grown man (I think).

After this you seemed to become slightly defensive about your motives for not liking the Flyers and you said,

“Yea, guys are emotional and there is a lot of stuff going on out there. There is no reason to explain. I don’t have to sit here and explain why I pushed a glove away they are doing a lot of things out there too. You know what, we don’t like each other. Was I going to sit there and pick up his glove? What was I supposed to do?”

Well Sid, you didn’t have to pick the glove up, that is true. But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t have pushed the glove away from him? I don’t know, that seems like the type of mature decision a 25-year-old man should make, but you didn’t do that. You did not. But I’m not the first person to suggest this concept to you. The interviewers even offered this thought and you said, as you are super mature,

“Skate away? Oh well I didn’t that time.”

No, no you didn’t Sid. You did not skate away. You made the choice to be a child instead of a man.

Essentially what I heard in this interview was,

“AAAACK!! My Penguins are losing in this series! I’m so mad!! I needed to act out my frustrations so I pushed that punks glove away from him to make him mad. Okay? So what? Do you want to fight about it? Because I will fight you. I fought Giroux and I’ll take you down too! I’m not scared! I’m Sid the Kid!”

But don’t worry Sid. I still love you, I do. And I still want you to win this series because I really just don’t like those Flyers either. So I can relate to you on that. But I’m gonna need you to stop being childish and start playing hockey.

Your last chance for Stanley Cup-dom is tomorrow. If you do not win, you’re done. So maybe, here’s an idea, maybe you should just not fight with anyone tomorrow, ya? Maybe just try to score and win the game? Okay? Ya? Let’s do that.

Oh, and maybe next time make up a reason for not liking the Flyers, like “I don’t like them because they push me and they have stinky feet.” Anything really, just don’t say, “I don’t like them because I don’t like them.” again. That’s a stupid reason.

Okay, well I’m glad we had this heart to heart. Again, don’t worry. I still love you and your super plump lips.

All my love,
Amanda

P.S. The Flyers made this shirt to give away. So I guess the feeling is mutual?

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