Did You Forget About Mother’s Day? Don’t Fret! I’ve Got Your Solution!

Today is Mother’s day.

Today is the day you are supposed to lavish fine gifts upon the woman who expelled you from her womb.  The day you say,
“Thanks for putting up with my inability to put dirty clothes in laundry baskets and snotty kleenexs in trashcans for 18 years. And thanks for continuing to put up with these endearing qualities as I continue living with you as an adult because I have no future goals in mind for my life*.

It would seem that it is nearly impossible to forget about mother’s day, what with mothers doing their best to constantly remind nag you that mother’s day is nearing. However that does not mean that we, as their children, are listening to them. And the next thing you know, it’s today and you have yet to purchase that hilarious, yet sentimental Hallmark card for your madre. You might as well not even attempt to get one now. All that’s left are these:

UCCK!! Gag me with a spoon.  No one wants to purchase that, and I’m pretty positive mothers don’t want to receive that**. If there aren’t any hilarious cards related to farts left you might as well abandon ship at that Target card aisle and give up on making your mother happy.

But wait!! Don’t give up just yet! I have the solution to your card-less mothers day.

  • Make a handprint painting. Mother’s love handprints. Sure you may be a grownup with an adult-sized hand, that doesn’t matter. They freaking love the things! Especially if you add an adorable poem with it.
  • Make a homemade coupon book. Fill it with things like ‘1 Free Living room Vacuuming Session’, ‘1 Day Free of Obnoxious Behavior’ (make sure there is only one of these in the book. It’s really hard to not be obnoxious for a whole 24 hours) or ‘1 Free Shoney’s Hot Fudge Cake Valid Only on Mothers Day’ (This is a trick, I saw a Shoney’s commercial. They’d get one free even without a coupon today Mothers do not need to know this.)
  • Bake her a cake. Fact. Mothers love cake. Especially carrot.
  • Don’t call her old for one whole 24 hour period. She will love it!!
  • Along those lines, call her “mom” and not by her first name. Perhaps I’m the only one who does this, but I’m sure it would shock my mother if I called her Mom instead of Susan.
  • Make a homemade corsage for her to wear throughout the day. It’s too late to buy one at the florist but crumple up some tissue paper, throw a safety pin on the back of that thing and there you have it: corsage!
  • And last but not least, make your own hilarious yet slightly sentimental card, just like I did!***

I’m 110% sure every single one of those ideas up there will just make your mom have the best mother’s day EVER. No doubt in my mind. But in reality, as long as you don’t wipe boogers on the placemats or spill grape juice on the white carpet, your mom will be as pleased as punch!

 

 

*You don’t have to say this EXACTLY, but you know, hypothetically speaking, if you are a 23 year old girl still living at home, you might want to say something similar.
**Some might. I apologize if you enjoy sentiment. I do not intend to offend. Which coincidentally is the title for my upcoming rap album, A-Bad Intend to Offend
***Disclaimer: This is a replica of a real card that exists at Target. I wanted to buy it for my mother.  I didn’t. I have regretted that decision every moment of this day. Also don’t sue me over copyright infringement please.

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Daylight Savings Time? More Like “It’s All Germany’s Fault I Have To Reset My Clocks” Time!


Twice a year I have to spend minutes resetting all of the clocks in my possession. Which is only 3 but still, it’s an obnoxious task. And when I go to reset the clock in my car it leads me to question why there’s no am/pm on it. Then I remember that if I’m in my car, I probably know if it’s daytime or nighttime, therefore no am/pm setting is necessary. I don’t like to have that much thinking going through my head when I get in my car. I shouldn’t have to reset my clocks. I just shouldn’t.

If you’re anything like myself you’d like to know how this delightful little tradition of losing an hour of sleep every spring began. I got a little curious today and did some Wikipedia research. Turns out it all started with a guy we all know and love, named Benny Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin is hanging out in France and notices that they are using A LOT of candles so he decides to do something about it.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise! I should tell that to the French. all they do is use candles. If they went to bed earlier they would have to deal with as much darkness and then they wouldn’t be wasting SO MUCH FREAKING WAX! Wax is a delicacy why do those darn French not get this??

Excuse me! People of France! I’ve noticed you guys are using a lot of candles so I have a plan to keep you from doing this. First I’m going to ring the church bells REALLY loud and REALLY early in the morning, right as the sun is rising in the East. If you wake up as the sun comes up and go to bed when it goes down you get all the daylight joy and don’t have to use any candles!

Secondly I’m going to make you pay taxes if you have shutters. I don’t want you sleeping when the sun is in the sky. You need to be up and productive when the sun is up. That way you’ll be good and tired by nightfall and won’t need to use candles at all!

Third. You only get one candle a month. USE IT WISELY GUYS!

So obviously these ideas don’t go over well with anyone. They world hates Benny at this point for his terrible ideas. But the world does agree with Ben’s thoughts on making the most use out of the daylight hours. They aren’t real sure what to do, but they do know that ringing the bells really loud at churches is not the answers.

So then we fly over to New Zealand where George Vernon Hudson, a bug guy, is making a living as a shift worker.

I really enjoy collecting bugs but my darn job is getting in the way. I obviously need to make a living and collecting bugs does not earn my money so I have to keep this shift job. But I REALLY want to collect bugs! UGH! This is the worst! I need daylight hours after I get off work so I can collect my bugs! What am I going to do?? I KNOW! I’ll write a letter proposing a 2 hours time shift in order to best utilize the daylight hours!

Dear Wellington Philosophical Society,
Hello. My name is G.V. Hudson. I am an avid bug collector, but due to my humanity I need food to survive. No body wants to buy my bug collections so I am forced to work a shift job. It is dark when I go to work and dark when I come home from work. Do you know how difficult it is to catch bugs in the dark? It’s really, really hard. So that is why I’d like to propose a two hour time shift. In the fall move the time back 2 hours and in the spring forward 2 hours. Then I have daylight to catch my bugs! I think that this is a simply fabulous idea! Let me know what you think!
Sincerely,
G.V. Hudson

That letter still didn’t really do much for conserving of the daylight hours. It wasn’t until Germany stepped in that changes were really made.

Germany WWI:
We need coal! But this silly war is using up all the coal we have. It’s really really cold here in our house. When it gets dark we need to use coal to war it up. BUT WE DON’T HAVE ANY COAL!! WE’RE GOING TO FREEZE TO DEATH! IF ONLY WE WERE AWAKE DURING THE HOURS OF THE DAY WHEN THE SUN IS UP WE COULD SAVE OUR COAL DURING THE DAYLIGHT HOURS!!

Perhaps if we shifted the clocks a few hours we could make it where the sun is up during waking hours and dark when we’re sleeping. Then we can get the best use out of the warmth of the sun! GREAT PLAN. I will tell the world to also shift their clocks and everyone will obey us. BECAUSE WE’RE GERMANY!!

And that’s how it happened. The Germans were short on coal and they needed more sun warmth. So they changed our clocks. And therefore I blame Germany for forcing me to reset my clocks twice a year.

Quite frankly I’m tired of this daylight savings nonsense. I’m not participating this year. I might be late to everything, but hey, I’ll be making a stand. I don’t need that extra hour of sun anyways.

It’s Leap Day Shea Weber!

In the last 15 minutes I have discovered that leap day is the greatest day of the year for me. Do you want to know why? Well first go read this: Leap Day: Watch Out Men, The Women Are A-Comin’! Did you read it? Did you? Are you lying? If you answered yes to the last one go back and read it again. Thanks.

Ok. So now that you’ve read that, apparently as long as I’m wearing my red underpants I can propose to Shea Weber. All he can do is say no. If he says no, I get a silk gown and a kiss. Win-win situation right there guys. I either get a hunky husband or I get a gown and a smooch, right on the lips. I’ll take either. (I’d really rather have the Shea Weber though)

Unfortunately Shea Weber has locked himself away in some secret lair here in Nashville, increasing his hockey abilities so I haven’t been able to find him anywhere. But I’ve strapped on my red underpants and have written this lovely proposal email that I plan to send to him:

Dearest Shea Weber,

As you know, it is February 29th. This is leap day. You do have leap day in Canada right? Or should I say ‘eh? I’m never really sure how to talk to you Canadians. Also do you want to explain Boxing Day to me? I’ve looked it up on the Wikipedia and I still don’t get it. Maybe you can use regular words to help me out. But I digress from the real purpose of this letter. I’m writing to propose marriage to you.

I realize that this seems forward, but see on leap day it’s okay for me to do this. Maybe you aren’t aware of the rules. I’m allowed to propose marriage on leap day, and only leap day. So I’m taking my day of the leaping and I choose you! Aren’t you lucky? (you are, in case you were questioning it. I’m very lovely)

I’d like to take this moment to say to you, Shea Michael Weber, will you marry me and be my forever hockey husband? Will you love, honor and provide me with lifetime Predators season tickets? Will you be mine? Will you marry me?

Don’t feel pressured, but I kinda need a response by midnight. So just let me know. Oh, also, if you say no to my proposal you have to kiss me and buy me a silk gown. (silk gowns are pretty hard to come by these days, so it’d probably just be easier for you to marry me)

So anyway, I was thinking a spring wedding. Right after you win the Stanley Cup. We can marry right here in Nashville and honeymoon in your magical homeland, Canada. Sound good? I think so too Shea!!

Well, I look forward to hearing from you within the next 2 hours and 43 minutes!

Sincerely yours,
XOXOXO
Amanda 

There it is. My proposal letter. It has been emailed.* Shea Weber has 2 hours and 38 minutes to respond to me. I’ve got my fingers crossed, hoping for a yes! Your move Shea. I’ll be waiting!

*No it hasn’t. I’m not a crazy person**, guys. I didn’t really send this to Shea Weber.

**I might be a crazy person, but I don’t have Shea Weber’s email, that’s why it hasn’t been sent.

A Few Valentine Demands (Pay Attention Fellas!)

You guys! Valentine’s day is TOMORROW. And do you know how many valentine’s I have for tomorrow?

None. I have none valentine’s for tomorrow. And the odds of me somehow picking up a valentine between and now and midnight are also none. Mainly because the only place I might go, other than home, between now and then is Walmart. I don’t want a Walmart valentine. Yuck. (plus I’m getting this weird pimple right by my lip, and it kind of looks like I have a case of the herp and that is not helping matters)

In fact I’ve never had a valentine. (Unless you count the small children I work with but I don’t, because that’s inappropriate) Even in elementary school when the super awesome 6th grade relationships were going on, no one brought me a teddy bear. Years and years I have waited for a teddy bear. Still no teddy bear for Amanda. So I’ve thought long and hard about this and here’s what I need to make up for 22 years of none valentines. Feel free to take notes fellas (mostly Colin Wilson)

First I’m going to need a teddy bear. Not just any teddy bear. A big teddy bear. 22 years worth of teddy bear. One like this one (but without that girl, I don’t want or need her):

Next I need tickets to the Predators / Blackhawks game tomorrow night. Right on the glass would be best, but if you can only swing upper deck I’ll deal with it I guess. I’ve taken the liberty to find some on eBay for your easy purchase so here ya go: 2 Chicago Blackhawks Vs. Nashville Predators 02/14/12

hockey fights are so romantic!

And my final demand is a poem. Not just any poem. A mushy poem. A mushy poem written solely using the words on conversation hearts. And no limericks or haiku’s. That’s cheating. Just glue those suckers on a doily in some sort of rhythm and send it my way. If it’s homemade I’ll love it. (and feel free to bring the rest of the bag of conversation hearts as a snack for the hockey game. I haven’t eaten any yet this year).

That’s it. That’s all I need to be happy. Is that so much to ask? I’m pretty easy-going. Just a poem, a big bear and some hockey tickets. What’s the big deal?

So anyway…
If anyone wants to, ya know, be my valentine….you know what to do.

 

 

Raise Your Valentine Game to the Next Level with my Simple “Build Your Own Love Letter”

February. The month that everyone spells incorrectly. It’s not Feb-u-ary you guys. Feb-ru-ary. It’s not that hard. Just sound it out. February get the shaft because everyone spells it wrong, but it’s also been shorted when it comes to number of days. While all the rest of the months get 30-31 days, poor old February only gets 28. However this is February’s lucky year. It gets 29 days instead of just 28. (Also let’s take a minute to wish all the leap year babies a Happy Birthday. They only get one every 4 years. They deserve this.)

But despite it’s short stature, February has got a lot going for it in 2012. Black History Month, Groundhog Day, the Super Bowl, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday. February really hit the holiday jackpot this year!! It feels like I missing something though. What could it be?

Oh ya. Valentine’s Day. February is the month of love (If you didn’t already please go back and read that sentence as if you were Morgan Freeman)

If you’re anything like me you’re not so great at this Valentine’s day thing. If it doesn’t come in a box with lollipops stuck into it or say something adorable like, ‘You’re Dino-mite, Valentine’ I don’t know how to handle a Valentine.

See. Isn't this adorable?

So to make all of our lives easier I’ve come up with a handy fill-in-the-blank love letter. Don’t stress yourselves out on the candy aisles at Walmart trying to find that perfect puppy card. Just simply personalize the following letter and send it to your Valentine this year.

Dear (name of love interest),

You have the (favorite quality of your love interest). I think of you every time I (time/place you think of your love interest). I would greatly enjoy (activity you’d like to participate in with your love interest) with you. Valentines day is coming up very soon. I think we should get together on February 14, 2012 at (place you’d like to go with you love interest). That way you can become my Valentine. And then we can fall in love. If this sounds like a great plan and you’d love to be my Valentine also please check yes. If this sounds like a terrible idea just check no, but please don’t file a restraining order.

____ YES!!!              ____NO!!

XoXo,
(Your name)

I’ve taken the time to fill out my own love letter as an example, if you need reference to how to fill out yours. I know sometimes expressing true feelings is difficult. I wrote mine to Shea Weber of the Nashville Predators. (Because he’s dreamy and I’d like to be his Valentine. Duh)

Dear Shea Weber of the Nashville Predators,

You have the most beautiful 5 o’clock shadow. I think of you every time I watch a hockey game on the television. I would greatly enjoy holding hands and making googly eyes with you. Valentines day is coming up very soon. I think we should get together on February 14, 2012 at The Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville. That way you can become my Valentine. And then we can fall in love. If this sounds like a great plan and you’d love to be my Valentine also please check yes. If this sounds like a terrible idea please check no, but please don’t file a restraining order.

____ YES!!!              ____NO!!

XoXo,
Amanda

It’s perfect. It gets my true feelings across and gets straight to the point of my desire to be Shea’s valentine. I can’t think of a better way to find true love than through this very phenomenally constructed letter. If you really want to catch your love’s eye glue it onto a doily such as this one. Then it’s a sure thing.

No one can say not to a love letter on a doily

I’ll be honest though. I don’t know the success rate of this letter. I haven’t tried it yet. Luckily I’ve got until the 14th to find my Valentine. So for best results I recommend sending a letter everyday until the 14th.* You can send it to the same person over and over or choose a different person everyday. All 14 people can’t turn you down, right? So get started constructing your love letters guys. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors for love.

See you guys later. I’m off to the post office to send Shea my love letter!

*I actually do not recommend this if you enjoy being a respected member of society and not having 14 restraining orders against you. If you do like restraining orders than by all means, carry on.