Today is Mother’s day.
Today is the day you are supposed to lavish fine gifts upon the woman who expelled you from her womb. The day you say,
“Thanks for putting up with my inability to put dirty clothes in laundry baskets and snotty kleenexs in trashcans for 18 years. And thanks for continuing to put up with these endearing qualities as I continue living with you as an adult because I have no future goals in mind for my life*.
It would seem that it is nearly impossible to forget about mother’s day, what with mothers doing their best to constantly
remind nag you that mother’s day is nearing. However that does not mean that we, as their children, are listening to them. And the next thing you know, it’s today and you have yet to purchase that hilarious, yet sentimental Hallmark card for your madre. You might as well not even attempt to get one now. All that’s left are these:
UCCK!! Gag me with a spoon. No one wants to purchase that, and I’m pretty positive mothers don’t want to receive that**. If there aren’t any hilarious cards related to farts left you might as well abandon ship at that Target card aisle and give up on making your mother happy.
But wait!! Don’t give up just yet! I have the solution to your card-less mothers day.
- Make a handprint painting. Mother’s love handprints. Sure you may be a grownup with an adult-sized hand, that doesn’t matter. They freaking love the things! Especially if you add an adorable poem with it.
- Make a homemade coupon book. Fill it with things like ‘1 Free Living room Vacuuming Session’, ‘1 Day Free of Obnoxious Behavior’ (make sure there is only one of these in the book. It’s really hard to not be obnoxious for a whole 24 hours) or ‘1 Free Shoney’s Hot Fudge Cake Valid Only on Mothers Day’ (This is a trick, I saw a Shoney’s commercial. They’d get one free even without a coupon today Mothers do not need to know this.)
- Bake her a cake. Fact. Mothers love cake. Especially carrot.
- Don’t call her old for one whole 24 hour period. She will love it!!
- Along those lines, call her “mom” and not by her first name. Perhaps I’m the only one who does this, but I’m sure it would shock my mother if I called her Mom instead of Susan.
- Make a homemade corsage for her to wear throughout the day. It’s too late to buy one at the florist but crumple up some tissue paper, throw a safety pin on the back of that thing and there you have it: corsage!
- And last but not least, make your own hilarious yet slightly sentimental card, just like I did!***
I’m 110% sure every single one of those ideas up there will just make your mom have the best mother’s day EVER. No doubt in my mind. But in reality, as long as you don’t wipe boogers on the placemats or spill grape juice on the white carpet, your mom will be as pleased as punch!
*You don’t have to say this EXACTLY, but you know, hypothetically speaking, if you are a 23 year old girl still living at home, you might want to say something similar.
**Some might. I apologize if you enjoy sentiment. I do not intend to offend. Which coincidentally is the title for my upcoming rap album, A-Bad Intend to Offend
***Disclaimer: This is a replica of a real card that exists at Target. I wanted to buy it for my mother. I didn’t. I have regretted that decision every moment of this day. Also don’t sue me over copyright infringement please.