Trucks, Tobacco and Girls. The Best Country Song Ever?

Here’s a little tidbit about me, I enjoy music. Pretty much any kind of music really. If it has an instrument or a voice involved I’ll probably listen to it at least once. In fact if you were to spend anytime at all browsing through my iPod you might even think I’m having a serious identity crisis. Anything from Eminem to U2 you’ll find it there. Heck, there might even be a song or two from Barney the Dinosaur, but I’m neither confirming nor denying this.

However there is one music genre that I just don’t understand and cannot get on board with. Almost 25 years on this earth and I just cannot understand country music. I live in Nashville, you’d think it would make sense, but nope! I’ve slowly discovered that country music is mostly about trucks. And if there’s no truck it’s a girl. No girl? How about some alcohol and a river? These are the only things you need for a country song.

You’re never going to believe this, but I may have had the most ultimate country song ever suggested to me just the other day.

The name: Boys ‘Round Here.
The artist: Blake Shelton, or as I call him, ‘that one guy from The Voice’

This song includes everything you need for the most perfect country tune! Trucks, alcohol, girls and a river! Every single one of them is here. Based on that alone it has to be great! And I’m almost 37% sure it makes perfect sense and is a wonderfully deep and meaningful song! Luckily for all of you, I’ve spent hours doing an intense lyrical study to find out if this is indeed the most perfect country song. Join me now on this lyrical journey!

Boys ‘Round Here

“Well the boys ’round here don’t listen to The Beatles”

Well, why not? Everyone enjoys The Beatles. They’re kind of a classic band. Even I listen to The Beatles and I have terrible taste in music. Ask anyone who’s ever spent time near me. We are not off to a great start here Blake ol’ boy.

“Run ole Bocephus through a jukebox needle”

Bocephus? That’s a blood disease, right? Isn’t it contagious? Are you sharing needles?? I’m pretty sure that’s how you catch Bocephus, I learned that in 7th grade health. Also, as a side note, a jukebox needle seems like the worst choice for this.

“At a honky-tonk, where their boots stomp”

Are people wearing boots, or are these boots stomping on their own? OH! Is this a haunted honky-tonk?? I want to go to there!

“All night; what?”

I’ll second that “what?” You have not said a complete thought. What’s all night? The ghosts?

“(That’s right)”

Nailed it! I knew it was ghosts!

“Yea, and what they call work, digging in the dirt”

I just call work, work.

“Gotta get it in the ground ‘fore the rain come down”

Get what in the ground? The dirt? You don’t have to put dirt in the ground, it’s already there. If digging is your job I would’ve thought you’d know that by now.

“To get paid, to get the girl
In your 4 wheel drive (A country boy can survive)”

I’m honestly just confused now. You have to put the dirt that you dug up back into the ground before it rains? And if you don’t do this you won’t get paid? And if you don’t get paid you don’t get the girl? She seems a little catty if she won’t hang out with you unless you’ve been paid. I don’t know about her. Is the 4 wheel drive also a deal breaker? This girl is picky!

“Yea the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer”

Okay. That sounds nice. I’m with you.

“Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks”

The super catty girl? 4 wheel-drive trucks? Be more descriptive! You are not painting a great word picture for me.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust”

Oh, there’s dust! So it didn’t rain then? Good! I do hope you got all your dirt put back after you dug it up for no reason.

“The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

Are you praying because you’ve run out of red dirt road? You have a 4 wheel-drive, I think, you’ll probably be okay, unless you’re slowly careening towards a cliff. Which in that case I highly suggest you just flip a u and turn around.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t”

HA! Legit isn’t something you say about backwoods. Silly Blake! They aren’t legit. They’re full of sharp rocks and ticks. Not legit at all. Also I’m going to have to argue with you here. Backwoods take A LOT poo. Animals live in the backwoods and they eat there, and sleep there and well, surely you catch my drift.

“Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

What?! Where’d you get tobacco? Where did this come from? This is right out of left field, Also, the Surgeon General says that can give you mouth cancer, just a warning

“Aw heck
Red red red red red red redneck”

Aww heck……I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Why are you stuttering all of a sudden?

“Well the boys ’round here, they’re keeping it country
Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie
(You don’t do the dougie?) No, not in Kentucky”

YouTube. It gives a fine example of how to do the Dougie. Expand your horizons you red red red red red red red red red red red rednecks. But wait, you can’t do it in Kentucky. How’s about Massachusetts? Alaska? Wyoming?

“But these girls ’round here yep, they still love me”

Whoa! Calm down there Rico Suave. I don’t love you. That’s a bold statement. Maybe check your facts before you say such conceited things

“Yea, the girls ’round here, they all deserve a whistle”

Ahh, yes, every girl should have a rape whistle. I appreciate your support of woman’s safety.

“Shakin’ that sugar, sweet as Dixie crystal”

Is that like when Outkast told me to shake it like a Polaroid picture? Because as it turns out Polaroid strongly suggests you do NOT do that. Out of curiosity, is Dixie crystal, meth? I watched Breaking Bad and that sounds a lot like a name for meth. Don’t do meth kids.

“They like that y’all and southern drawl
And just can’t help it cause they just keep fallin‘”

Help them up!! And for goodness sakes get them to the doctor! If they keep falling they may have a serious medical problem.

“For the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks”

Okay, well you already talked about all of this. I’m growing bored.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

If you’ve run out of red dirt road, just find another road dude. They’re literally everywhere. I can see like 5 roads right now just from right where I’m sitting.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t
Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

Again with the tobacco. It’s so abrupt. Why are you saying this? And why are you repeating yourself? We heard you the first time.

“Let me hear you say
(Ooh let’s ride)
(Ooh let’s ride)
Down to the river side”

No….I’m not going to say that. I’m just not.

“(Ooh let’s ride…)”

No.

“Hey now girl, hop inside
Me and you gonna take a little ride to the river”

Where is there a river? Did the red dirt road run into a river?!? Can you swim?!? ARE YOU OKAY? May I suggest a pontoon? I learned a lot about them awhile back. They’re for red red red red red red rednecks.

“Let’s ride (That’s right)”

I already said no twice. Perhaps the 3rd times a charm.

“Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound”

…..I get what you’re implying here and I am appalled.

“We out of town”

That’s because you didn’t listen when I told you to find another road when you ran out of the other one. Sigh….

“Have you ever got down with
Red red red red red red redneck?”

No.

“And do you wanna get down with
Red red red red red red redneck?”

No.

“Girl you gotta get down”

No means no, man.

“With the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks”

Are the boys at the river/on the blanket with the crickets as well? You might need a friendship break from them. You seem a little clingy.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

I cannot stress this enough, just find another road.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t”

I’m not even going to talk to you about this again. You are a terrible listener. They’re is so much sh*t in the woods it’s not even funny.

“Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

I don’t know of you’re attempting to peer pressure me into chewing tobacco, but I’m not going to. I’ve seen The Sandlot. They tried that and they vomited everywhere! That is not pleasant. I do not want to participate

“(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

What happened to your job? Why haven’t you gone back yet? You’ll never get paid at this rate.

“I’m one of them boys ’round here
(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

I kind of already gathered that, why did you wait till the end of the song to let us know you’re one of the boys. I think in retrospect you should have stated that right from the get go.

“(Ooh let’s ride)
Well all I’m thinkin’ ’bout is you and me, how we’ll be”

That’s a little creepy. I don’t even know you!

“So come on girl, hop inside
Me and you, we’re gonna take a little ride”

NO.

“Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound”

Do I need to break out that whistle you gave me earlier? You’re more than a little pushy.

“We out of town
Girl you gotta get down with
Come on through the country side
Down to the river side”

I’m not going to do any of those things with you. Ever. Creepy McCreeperson.

….while this song does contain every single important aspect of a country tune, I’m not sure it’s the ultimate country song. In fact, I’ll just say it, it’s not. It’s really just a terribly confusing group of words promoting the use of tobacco and getting frisky in the woods. I don’t know what Blake Shelton was thinking here. I’m very disappointed. I had high hopes for this one, but alas it did not make me love country music….sigh.

So in summary, if creepy pushy rednecks with trucks who chew tobacco are your thing, then boy do I have a song for you to hear!! If not, then may I suggest absolutely any other song ever?

But I did learn something, so this whole experience wasn’t a complete bust! Mr Shelton suffers from a stuttering problem. It seems to only affect his use of the word ‘red’ though, which seems odd, but I’m no speech therapist. I’d never guessed he had this struggle. He covers it up well in the public eye.

Yoga Relaxes the Mind and the Body…Unless You’re Amanda

I’ve been very busy as you can tell by my 1+ year hiatus from here. And when I say very busy, I really just mean I haven’t really been feeling creative and/or I’ve been putting my creative energies into other things and/or I forgot about this blog until someone said I should write a book today then I remembered it existed. But that’s not to say I haven’t used my hiatus very efficiently. I’ve done lots of things, lots and lots of things, for instance I’ve recently taken up the practice of yoga.

I’m not new to yoga, per say, in the sense that I’ve done yoga for several years on the wii fit. In Amanda’s world anything you do on the wii fit is real and totally helpful to your physical fitness. So naturally the transition process to what I now refer to as ‘real yoga’ went a bit like this “Yoga is so easy! I can definitely do yoga! I’m going to go straight to Target right now and a buy a dvd.” And that’s exactly what I did.

Many yoga dvd’s they have at the Target, many different kinds. Being that I’m not one to deny a challenge I chose to purchase the most difficult yoga dvd they had; Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown. I should have known better. The first sign that this was a bad choice was the “Jillian Michaels” part. The second would be the “meltdown”. As a newbie I should have chosen the dvd labeled solely “Yoga”, but I didn’t, because I’m Amanda, and I was convinced I was not a newbie.

I brought Jillian home, popped her right in the DVD player and got started, immediately I realized I was a newbie, I didn’t even have a yoga mat, I fell over at least 5 times and cursed just as many. Of course I went back to the store and bought a mat immediately because clearly the lack of a rubber foam beneath me was the reason I couldn’t do a downward dog. It had absolutely nothing to do with my completely lack of balance and flexibility. Since that evening I’ve spent many excruciatingly embarrassing months with Jillian before I finally threw up my white flag and admitted to being inflexible. Apparently yoga is supposed make you flexible and relaxed, not cause you to shout expletives. Who knew?

So I’ve finally moved backwards in my yoga endeavor, accepted my ‘yoga newbie’ title and downloaded Yoga Studio on my iPad.

Yoga Studio has many different classes you can do, ranging anywhere from beginner flexibility to advanced strength in which the first pose looks something like this:

Obviously something along the lines of “HOLY POOP!” came out of my mouth when I saw that pose so I stepped it back into the intermediate range (clearly I’m still not fully accepting my beginner status) and chose the 60 minute intermediate flexibility class, thinking to myself, “Technically, not a beginner because I’ve been doing Jillian, I know how yoga works. Plus flexibility is mostly going to be stretches so I want to get all the physical fitness I can. I’ll go with an hour”

BAD CHOICE AMANDA!

From the beginning of the class I’m supposed to be focusing on only my breathing, clearing my mind, preparing myself for a deep 60 minute yoga experience. Nope. Not once was my mind clear. Not one time.

Here’s just a small sampling of the things I said and/or thought through my entire 60 minute session:

“Ha! Yeah okay”
“No, I’m not going to do that.”
“ARE YOU KIDDING?”
“Ummm….I think my leg is ripping in half.”
“Downward dog again?!?”
“@#$#!%”
“Corpse pose*! I’m good at this one!”
“No seriously, I really think my quad is ripping in half this time.”
“Yeah, no, I can’t do that.”
“If I could touch my toes, I wouldn’t need the flexibility class.”
“I wonder how often people release gas during the happy baby pose?”
“Holy crap it’s only been 30 minutes?!?! UGHHHH!!”
“I can’t breathe, my lungs are being crushed!”
“…..nope.”
“What if someone is taller than the yoga mat? Do they make extra long mats for those people.”
“Oh shoot! I’m supposed to clear my mind…..”
“I physically CANNOT do that!”
“Is she even a person?”
“Is her spine intact?”
“Ahhh how can I relax if I can’t breathe and my leg muscle has just torn apart?”
and finally
“Okay, that’ll be good. I’m done now.”

So, all that said, yoga is going well!! I’m super good at the ‘relaxing and letting my mind be free’ part as you can see. I should also definitely attend a public session, my comments would not disturb anyone I’m sure.

BUT I can touch my toes now and even balance on one foot while holding up the other as if I were a human pretzel. If that’s not yoga, I don’t know what is. I’d say I’m pretty close to being a professional yogi now and I’m even thinking of taking up a partnership with Jillian, if she’s willing of course.

Until my dvd deal comes through, I’ll just be over here trying to reach my toes to the back of my head without pulling a hammy!

* quite literally lying on the ground as if I were dead.

Amanda, The Social Interaction Expert

I know this will be very surprising to all of you, but I occasionally* do stupid things. Normally I carry myself with great poise and dignity but yesterday was a different story. Yesterday I made myself look a fool to a complete and total stranger who is now my new coworker. I don’t want to say that I made the best first impression ever, but guys I did it. I freaking did it.

You see, I have a problem where I don’t pay attention to things that are happening around me very well. My mind tends to wander, and often when my mind is wandering, people try to talk to me. This never ends well for me. 100% of the time I respond inappropriately. For instance I once ordered simply the color ‘black’ at Chipotle thinking they were asking about beans, when in reality they wanted to know what kind of meat I wanted. Black is not the proper response to that question. I would never, ever want black meat. That’d be gross.

Luckily when I respond like an idiot people tend to stare at me in a manner that shows that I responded like an idiot. Then I’m given a chance to try again. If I was never given a Mulligan, I would quite literally have zero friends and would have eaten a lot of really weird food. Yesterday though, I found a way to top all the stupid things I’ve ever done. I’ve hit my stupid peak and I can only get better from this point on….I hope.

Unfortunately stupidity was just oozing out of my pores yesterday. It all started at 6 am.

I had recently purchased a new pair of jeans. I was a big fan of these jeans. I tried them on the dressing room of the local Old Navy and they fit like a gem, so naturally I bout them and wore them the next day without properly washing them first. This was stupid mistake number one. These jeans were a dark wash jean, which while give a slimming look, do not do good things to you if you have not washed them. Around 9 am I looked down at my hands and I was turning blue. Not sort of blue, but blue enough that it looked like the circulation in my hands was no more. To the regular eye, I no longer had blood flow into my phalanges. Not the case, my new pants had given me a serious case of Smurf hands.

As I sat in my classroom at nap time making sure no children disappear in their sleep and slowly dying of boredom, my mind began to wander. I was trying to figure out how to remove the blue from my skin. Obviously the most logical thought I had was, “hey, maybe if I wipe my palms on my pants it will come off.” Nope. This was clearly the worst decision I could have made. Wiping off the blue on the object that provided the blue is really just going to make the problem worse. And it did. My hands were even more blue. As I stared at my hands contemplating my next move, someone I had only ever seen in passing stopped next to my classroom and struck up conversation with me. I was not prepared for conversation so my mind was not prepared for listening. You might even say my listening ears were not on. This girl said something that I’m sure was in American english but what my unprepared ears heard was this,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

As I don’t speak Klingon I did the logical thing and responded with this incredibly polite phrase,

“What?”

Stranger girl repeated herself. Unfortunately she was politely whispering since it was nap time so again I heard this,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

Not wanting to look like an idiot I decided to give a response this time. It was lunchtime so my brain decided she was asking about my lunch break. So I said,

“No. I already had my break.”

Based on the look I received I immediately knew she did not ask about that and my response was 100% incorrect. So she tried again,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

This time I was able to distinguish and name. A name that was not my name,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….Sally**?”

Sally was not my name so when someone is addressing you by not your name the response should obviously be,

“I don’t know.”

Again, based on the look, not a good answer.

“You don’t know who Sally is?”

Now, guys I know who Sally is. I know exactly who Sally is. And as it turns out, all this poor girl was trying to figure out was where Sally was currently located. After an incredibly long and awkward exchange, this stranger and I were on the same page. Unfortunately at this point the damage had been done. I had already burned the bridges of what could have become a wonderful friendship. But in an attempt to mend this never to exist relationship I directed her to Sally and she went on her way.

I assume she went on her way muttering something about the blue handed freak who doesn’t know her coworkers name and is 98% deaf. I know I would have, because let’s be real, I looked like a complete and total moron. I would definitely not be friends with me if I had participated in that interaction with me.

And she doesn’t even know that I managed to pocket dial someone with my iPhone just mere hours before. (btw: still not real sure how I did that, I don’t really want to talk about it, and I’ve been butthurt about it ever since) I’m sure that fact would only increase her opinion of me exponentially.

But really in retrospect, I’m actually pretty much the coolest and I’m really smooth and breezy and handled that situation like a charm. So you know, whatever, if you need any help with making new friends, call me. I’m really good at first impressions.

 

 

*And by occasionally I mean, all the time. Literally every single day.
**This name has been changed. Mostly because I wanted to do it.

Things To Yell At A Baseball Game

A baseball game. Duh.

If you’ve ever attended a baseball game you will understand what I’m about to say, if not, I’m sorry. Perhaps now you can use the time you were going to spend reading this to go do something more fun like play ping-pong. Unless you like to learn in which case, feel free to stay here and keep reading.

In baseball it is perfectly acceptable to shout things at the players. There are enough drunk people around that you can pretty much do whatever without anyone even thinking twice about it. You can taunt players about their inability to play baseball. You can say mean things about their moms, you can even tell them they have a large hindquarters. This is one of the few social settings in which you can feel free to shout whatever you want without any repercussions to your actions*. Shoot, you can even yell things at the umpires if you want. In fact I would highly recommend it if you find yourself growing bored.

Recently I attended a baseball game. This wasn’t just any baseball game, this was a Nashville Sounds Triple-A baseball game. Meaning, that there are approximately 27 people in the stand on any given night. And in this particular game there was very little action happening. And that’s when it happened. I was given the all important task of searching far and wide on the internet for things to yell at baseball games. And let me tell you, the options are scarce. When you take out all the “Jeter SUUUCKS!!!!” and “STEEEEEEEERRROOOOOIDDS!!”, you are left with very few choices. While shouting things like “I AM SATISFIED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE THUS FAR!” and “YOU COULDN’T HIT A COW WITH A SHOVEL!!!” are enjoyable, those two phrases will not last you a whole 9 innings. And that’s why I’m here, people of the world wide web. I’m here to offer suggestions of what would be quality things to yell at a baseball game. I’ve searched far and wide for the best of the best. It’s my little gift to you. You’re welcome.

Things To Yell At Players:

• I’ve seen better swings on a porch
• Hey! Too bad you aren’t as good at baseball as you are at being ugly!
• I find you to be a subpar athlete!
• My grandma could throw better than that!
• I find your pitching to be lackluster, perhaps you are ill!
• You should go back to Triple-A, try a little harder, gain some maturity, and come back to the majors in a year or two!
• Your fielding is surprisingly poor compared to your teammate, yet still incredibly above-average as you are a professional baseball player and I am not!
• It’s okay. You’re mom still loves you!
• You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!
• I wish my golf score was as good as your batting average!
• The ball is that thing the catcher has!
• Hey they killed a cow to make that glove, at least you could try to use it!
• Is it in your contract to throw like a girl?

Things To Yell At Umpires:

• Hey blue, if you had another eye, you’d be a cyclops! (you know, implying that he’s terrible at making calls thus assuming he has no eyeballs and the addition of a new eyeball would equal a grand total of one eyeball…..maybe in retrospect don’t use this one)
• Turn around blue. You’re missing a good game.
• That was a strike! You’re the worst umpire ever!
• I thought only horses slept standing up!
• If you’re just going to watch the game, buy a ticket!
• I was confused the first time I saw a game too!
• Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
• WRONG!
• You couldn’t call a cab!
• The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!

Things To Yell Solely Out of Boredom:

• BOOORING!!
• Gooo baseball!!
• Loud noises!!
• (You could pretty much yell anything for this category. Use your imagination.)

Enjoy, my fellow baseball fans. This was all for you. If you find yourself at a sad, depressing baseball game, feel free to peruse this list and find something to spice your day up. And if nothing else, maybe it will get you kicked out of the game and then you’ll have a story to tell the grandkids about. What’s better than that?

*I actually don’t think that’s true. If you shout cusses you’ll probably get sent to baseball jail. I’m pretty sure it’s a place. I watch Seinfeld. Everywhere they go there’s a jail. Shopping malls, parking garages, they all have jails. So why wouldn’t a baseball stadium have a jail?

Freaking Angry Birds. Stop Ruining Our Nation

Let’s get real guys. America is a really weird place. We put sweaters on our pets, watch the Kardashian’s do absolutely nothing for hours upon hours, do the cha-cha slide and most of all, we fling stupid looking birds at round, green pigs.

Imagine if you were trying to explain the game Angry Birds to someone who had no idea what it was:

Angry Birds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“What’s that game?”
“Oh. It’s Angry Birds.”
“What’s the point?”
“I’m trying to kill all those pigs because they took my eggs.”
“Those don’t look like birds….that one is triangular-shaped and that other one looks like a bomb.”
“Well, that’s because the bomb one explodes and blows up those wooden block and the triangle one can plow through the wood block.”
“But why do they need to?”
“To kill the pigs.”
“Those don’t look like pigs. Where are their legs?”
“I don’t know, I guess they’re obese and you can’t see their legs anymore.”
“But why are you trying to kill them?”
“Because they stole the bird eggs.”
“To do what with them?”
“Eat them I guess.”
“Pigs don’t eat eggs….”
“These do.”
“Why does killing the pigs get the eggs back? And why are they balanced so precariously on cliffs and blocks?”
“It just does. And because they hide the eggs there to keep the birds from getting them back.”
“Why do you have to use a slingshot? Don’t birds know how to fly?”
“Not these ones. They have tiny wings.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. They just do.”
“This game is stupid….why are they in space now?”
“Oh. This is the new game Angry Birds Space.”
“……..”
“Leave me alone. I’m learning physics and the value of perseverance.”
“Sure….What are those stars for?”
“You get stars when you win.”
“For what?”
“Just for winning.”
“How do you get 3 stars?”
“By getting a really high score.”
“How do you get a high score?”
“You have to kill all the pigs with as few birds as possible. Then you win.”
“……”

Seriously though guys. Why am I so obsessed with this game? It’s the world’s most ridiculous game and I can’t stop playing. I’ve spent approximately all day long, playing the same levels over and over trying to get all 3 stars. I have a problem. And apparently so does the rest of the world as it’s always the number one downloaded game in the app store. It’s a brain numbing game and we’re all playing it. We’re slowly getting dumber as a nation and this game is at fault. Kids aren’t studying anymore, they’re playing Angry Birds. College students aren’t going to class…because they’re playing angry birds. And numerous grown adults are missing work because, you guessed it, those darn Angry Birds. It’s no wonder we have a terrible economy. We can’t stop flinging birds at round green pigs. We’re all going to turn into bloated parodies of ourselves while we sit and stare at our smart phones for hours on end and not a single one of us cares. Because it has sucked us in and we can’t stop. Ever.

But I don’t really care. I’m not going to stop until I get 3 stars on every level, I’m not. Because I am part of the Angry Birds problem.

Help. Me.

Related articles

• Angry Birds And Green Day Team Up For Angry Birds Friends (g4tv.com)
• Rovio Teams Up With Green Day, You Know, The Band (toucharcade.com)
• Now This is How Angry Birds Should be Played (ohgizmo.com)
• A new lady friend is headed for Angry Birds Seasons: Pink Bird [Video] (games.com)

Weirdos Should Not Be Allowed Access To The Internet

{Before I begin. I’ve started writing here. It’s a blog all about Nashville Predators hockey. All the time. So in short, what I’m saying is, most of my hockey obnoxiousness will be spewed there instead of here. Aren’t you happy? Unless you enjoyed that stuff. Then I guess click that link, and enjoy. And now onto the regularly scheduled program.}

I write about weird things. I’m not going to deny this. I’ve written posts ranging from an accusation of Fred Phelps being Michael Phelps estranged father, to brainstorming the current state of the Boy Meets World characters. So, it’s no surprise to me that occasionally some weird google searches link people to my blog. But sometimes, sometimes the phrases are even too weird for me and I can’t see how in a million, bajillion years that search term led to my blog. But I’m a people pleaser, so I’m here to help you big freaks who google really weird things. Next time you google your weird things, I’ll have an answer for you. You’re welcome.

“scared people swimming” – My best guess is that the person searching for scared people swimming was looking for a picture. So you know, I’m on it:

“everytime i wear my lucky hat i…” – have good luck! Yes. Nailed it.

“ow. stop it you.” – Oh. I’m sorry. Am I causing you pain with my sharp wit? (see what I did there?)

“what is michael phelps going to do now” – Simple. He’s going to marry me. Then we’re going to have babies. And he’s going to teach the babies to swim. Someone needs to be able to teach my future children not to drown, I can’t do that. He’ll probably have to teach me too.

“adam levine trenchcoat” – I have no idea what you were looking for here. But I googled it myself and the image results were nothing short of inappropriate. So I’m not doing this one for you, ya freak.

“recent sports events” – May I direct you to http://www.espn.com?

“i hate michael phelps” – GET OFF MY BLOG YOU TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE HUMAN.

“sparkly silver acoustic guitar” – Here you go buddy!

“alex ovechkin face” – First. Why would you want to find this? His face is mildly terrifying. Second. Here it is. Try not to have too many nightmares.

“i don’t care what you think of me i don’t think of you at all” – That’s just rude. I’m not talking to you.

“knock my head on table” – That sounds like a terrible idea. I would not highly recommend that. One time I bashed my head into the bottom of a cabinet and I immediately was able to smell sounds and taste color. I imagine knocking your head on a table would accomplish the same thing. So if that sounds pleasant, go for it.

“dustin brown la kings sexy” – I know for a fact I have NEVER stated this. I don’t know why this brought you here to my little corner of the internet, but he is not sexy. Have you seen him? His face is WAY asymmetrical and he looks like a weasel. But hey, if that’s your thing than go for it girl (or guy, I don’t want to pigeon-hole)

“hey, i just met you, and this is crazy, steve urkel” – Did you just meet me? Did you just meet Steve Urkel? Because if you just met me, well cool I guess. But I don’t know what’s so crazy. Maybe the fact that you have some sort of tourette’s that causes you to randomly say Steve Urkel. And if you think you just met Steve Urkel, well I’ve got news. He’s a fictional character.

There we go guys. Now your weird, curious minds can be fulfilled. But I’m just going to be real with myself. All I’ve probably accomplished is leading more weirdos to my blog. But it’s all about quantity not quality right? Guys? Right?

5 Reasons I Would Not Survive Being ‘Scared Straight’

I have a serious problem where I watch A&E shows way too much. Mostly because they make me feel a lot better about myself, as I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. Nor have I ever been to prison. One of my worst guilty pleasures is watching Beyond Scared Straight. It terrifies me, yet I love it. I just can’t look away. However, it has occurred to me, I would immediately die of a stroke if I was on this show. I’m quivering in fear watching it, I can only imagine what would happen to me if I was actually wearing one of those lovely orange jumpsuits.

So for your viewing/reading pleasure I have given the top 5 reason why I would never make it through the filming of an episode of Beyond Scared Straight.

1. When the girl on the particular episode that I’m currently watching made a statement about her roach box, I thought she had a bug collection. Turns out she was referring to mara-ju-wana. They would eat me alive.

2. In the 22 minutes that I’ve been sitting here watching this show I’ve been ‘scared straight’ at least 5 times and my blood pressure has risen 100 points from the anxiety I’m experiencing through the television screen.

3. When the inmates started shouting things at me about being a loser and that I would be taken advantage of in prison, I would just immediately turn around and run. Or more likely curl up in a ball and weep uncontrollably.

4. Orange is not my color. My skin tone would look terrible in those jumpsuits. It seems like a moot point now, but it would cause me to lose my mind if I were being ‘scared straight’.

5. I love rules. I love following them, enforcing them, making them up for others. Rules are fantastic. Thus I would never be in a position where I would need to be scared straight.

fin.

The Truth About Women (You’re Welcome Guys)

Females are complex creatures. We do many strange things that the male race does not understand. In fact sometimes I don’t even understand the things we do. But nonetheless these things are done without fail. In an effort to dispel some of the rumors and confusion I thought I would do my best to answer/solve the many mysteries of women.

I did a poll of random men* on the street to find out the most confusing aspects of female-dom. And these are the question that I received:

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Why do women take so long to get ready?
Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Why do you need so many shoes?
Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?
You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
6 inch heels? What the heck?
Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?
Why is your purse so heavy?
Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
Why do women shave their legs?
Why do women have periods?
Do women like facial hair?
Are women crazy?

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Simple. We don’t want to be murdered. If you go to the bathroom alone and there’s a murderer hiding in one of the stalls, BAM, your done-zo. If you go with 3-4 others you’re good. That’s too many people to murder without someone noticing. Plus if you don’t know where the bathroom is in a restaurant it’s a lot better to wander around aimlessly with someone else rather than alone.

Why do women take so long to get ready?
Because we can. The end.

Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
Well, because we value our eyesight. One rogue mascara brush to the retina and you’re out of the game for days. It’s a known fact that unless you also open your mouth the eyes are not capable of fully opening.

What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
…..ya, I don’t know.

Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Because that bald-headed man is terrifying. Plus the air filter looked kind of dirty. So ya, sure change that sucker.

Why do you need so many shoes?
C’mon. Really? You can’t wear tennis shoes with skinny jeans and you can’t wear boots with sweat pants. A girl needs options. And perhaps 95% of the shoes don’t get worn, big deal. Someday I WILL need those whale print rain boots. You don’t know.

Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?
Yes.

You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Um, because it fits. If you find something that works, you get ALL of them.

Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
Yes. I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could do it, but I don’t want to try. Go ahead buddy. Save the day.

6 inch heels? What the heck?
That’s just Lady Gaga. We don’t claim her as one of us.

Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?
Um….yes.

Why is your purse so heavy?
You do not need to know. It’s women stuff. Plus if you knew the real reason you’d probably regret asking.

Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
That’s a fair question….I don’t know the answer.

Why do women shave their legs?
Um…pretty sure that’s your fault guys. I know for a fact I don’t do it because I enjoy it. Someone, somewhere (most likely a man) decided women were infinitely more gorgeous with smooth shiny legs. I hate that person.

Why do women have periods?
……….Go back to 5th grade health class. Ok bye!

Do women like facial hair?
Absolutely! As long as it well-kept. No ZZ-Top beards or any kind of mustaches. We find those terrifying.

Are women crazy?
Asking that question is a sure-fire way to find out the answer.

There you go fellas. The answers to all the questions you’ve ever had about women. Now you know every thing about us and what makes us tick. You will never be confused by our actions ever again.** You are very welcome.

 

 

*False. I typed in ‘why do women…’ on google and took the top things that popped up. Also I made up the other 98%.
**Nope.

Puzzle 307, You Have Ruined Me.

Remember back when you were 8 years old and the cool kid in your class at school would have a fantastic themed birthday party. Everyone in class would be handed a card with the Looney Tunes gang inviting you to a good old-fashioned b-day party. And even if you didn’t want to go to the party, you had to. It was the event of the year.

With gift-wrapped Barbie (or Hot Wheels cars depending on the sex of the birthday person) in hand you’d slowly make your way to their front door. Very hesitantly you’d ring the doorbell and be welcomed into a Looney Tunes heaven. Bugs, Daffy, Taz, the whole gang was there to welcome you. After 2 hours of Looney Tunes cake, ice cream, and pin the beak on Daffy Duck it would finally be time to go home. As you exited the party the birthday girl (or boy) would reluctantly hand you a goodie bag. You’d take it and maintain your composure and wait until you got to your car to rip that thing open and see what was inside. Themed pencils, erasers, a some candy was the norm, but sometimes, if you were lucky, there would be a slide puzzle in there.

8 little squares inside one large square, forming some kind of animal picture. You’d slide those little squares around until the original image was indistinguishable and then you’d set forth on your journey to put that picture back together. Hours would be spent sliding square to the right and then back to left, up and down and every which way you could. For a week that would be your obsession. You were determined to get that picture back and to no avail, you were unsuccessful. Each and every day you would strain your fingers to solve this puzzle until eventually you either popped out the pieces and put them back in the right order, or just got angry and threw the darn thing away. I was convinced that those puzzles were of the devil. Until I found the grown-up version of slide puzzles.

Several months ago I downloaded a free game on my phone. A harmless little game called Unblock Me. The goal is to shift brown block around and clear a path for the red block to escape through a hole in the wall. It started out easy enough. 3 or 4 moves and I was done and onto the next level. I breezed through the beginner levels and made it to intermediate. Then I got to puzzle #307.

This in itself is depressing because that means I’ve successfully played at least 306 puzzles. That’s way too many puzzles for a 23 year old to have played. (Realistically, I should be out socializing and whatnot) But this puzzle 307 has been sent to ruin my life. For the past 3 weeks I have attempted to win. Every spare second I have, I slide those stupid brown block around. I move them in every possible direction, only to have them return to the exact space in which they started.

I cannot beat this puzzle. Every time I decide to quit, it sucks me back in. I don’t know what to do. It consumes me. I see puzzle 307 in my sleep. It’s become my obsession. Even now, as I write this, I’m thinking up a new game plan to win. And it’s not going to happen. I don’t know why I keep trying.

I haven’t seen the sun in weeks because I’m constantly trying to outsmart this app. It has become my foe and I have to defeat it. If it takes me another 3 months so be it, I will succeed. Puzzle 307….YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!

But seriously guys, I need help. Either help on solving the puzzle or mental help in the form of an intervention. I’ll accept either at this point.

Where Is Michael Phelps’ Dad? The World Wants To Know!

[I made absolutely every part of this up. Except for the quote from wikipedia. That part was true. The rest is all a lie. I apparently get my jollies from making up horrible facts about famous people. Sorry. Please don’t leave any angry comments telling me I’m an idiot for making up lies. Those hurt my feelings. Thanks]

 

Despite having spent 17 of my 23 years in education there are still many things that I do not know the answer to.  Why is the sky blue? why do women have to shave their legs, what is silly putty made of and where in the heck is Michael Phelps‘ father? I know the guy has a father. I won’t get into it but science says there must be a woman AND a man present to make a child. Unless you’re going with the stork theory, which could explain Michael’s extremely large wingspan. But because I don’t believe in the stork, I know this man has to have a father.

I’ve watched a lot of Olympics in my day. When a 15-year-old Michael Phelps showed up on the radar during the 2000 games in Sydney, no one knew what a star he was going to be. And no one knew how many sleepless nights I would have because of his apparent absentee father. I’ve quite literally agonized over this for years. You see clip after clip of his overbearing mother, Debbie Phelps, but not once has Michael Fred Phelps Jr. been shown rooting for his son, the human fish.

And because I am an inquisitive person, I did a little digging on the man. And of course I went to the best research place on the world wide web, wikipedia. According the pedia of wiki’s “Michael Phelps (the father), is a retired Maryland state trooper who played football in high school and college and tried out for the Washington Redskins in the 1970s. Phelps’ parents divorced in 1994, and his father remarried in 2000.” Through a little more research I discovered that the man was not in Beijing when Michael Phelps (the son) had a record-breaking week, stating that he preferred to watch from home. Other than that, there is nothing about the guy. He’s well-hidden from the spotlight and is a mystery to me and the rest of the world.

Now even if I had an estranged relationship with my child, I would still be there rooting for their success. Sure I probably wouldn’t sit with my former spouse, but I would still be present in the building. Well, that is if I wasn’t one of the most hated people in America.

Michael Phelps (the son) has a middle name of Fred. Fred Phelps. Ring any bells? You know, Fred Phelps, the dummy who is the leader of Westboro Baptist Church. The group of idiots who find a reason to protest absolutely everything. Those guys.

If that was my estranged father I wouldn’t allow him to follow me to the Olympics either. And I certainly don’t blame his mother for ending that marriage and cutting ties. That guy is a terrible person. Plus on the other side of it, if I was the most hated guy ever, I wouldn’t sit in a crowd of 1000’s of people who wanted to punch me in the face. That would not be an enjoyable experience.

I support Michael Phelps’ decision to keep the identity of his father a secret. I would definitely not let anyone know I was related to him. Plus, now I understand a little more about how Ryan Lochte could possibly hate Michael and his puppy dog eyes. It’s obviously because he knows the truth behind Phelps’ family tree.

This guy…

The world’s most hated Phelps

is this guy’s secret father

The world’s most favorite Phelps. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mystery solved. Case closed.

 

Related articles

• Phelps wins 100 fly gold in last individual event (espn.go.com)
• Phelps Goes out in Style, Rallying in 100 Fly (abcnews.go.com)
• Michael Phelps Three-Peats In The 200 Individual Medley [London Olympics] (deadspin.com)
• Michael Phelps: Why Swimmer Will Compete in Rio De Janeiro Olympics (bleacherreport.com)
• Is Michael Phelps the greatest Olympian ever? (timesdispatch.com)