Everything Doesn’t Happen For A Reason

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve felt an urge to write. And truth be told this began as a Facebook post that started to get a little wordy because as it turns out I had a lot weighing on my chest.

Can we stop saying everything happens for a reason?

I grew up going to church, I went to college for a ministry degree and was constantly hearing things like “everything happens for a reason”, “God won’t give you more than you can handle”, “God only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers”, “you may not see it now, but there’s a reason you’re going through this.” I’m so sick of hearing it.

Stop it. It doesn’t. There isn’t a reason for everything. We don’t have to give justification to the crap in life. This world is just full of shitty (pardon my French) things and moments that can’t be explained or reasoned.

Reason out for me all the recent mass shootings of innocent people who had so much life left to live. Reason out for me children dying before they’re even given a chance at life. Reason out for me cancer. You can’t do it. There isn’t a reason. There’s not a reason for people’s suffering. You can’t justify why people have to go through pain. You can’t tell people they can’t feel angry or hurt or sad because whatever they’re going through has “a reason”. You can’t tell them God knew they could handle it so that’s why it’s happening.

Stop it. Stop making people feel like they have to be okay with what they’re going through because “it’s God’s will”.

That’s not to say you can’t learn through experiences and trials. I’m not saying you can’t use something bad as a foundation to help others or to change yourself. I can think of times someone took something awful and turned it around for good. But those are not reasons for the pain. That’s making lemons into lemonade. That’s making the best of a bad situation. That’s rising like a Phoenix from the ashes. That’s not everything happening for a reason.

Stop it. God doesn’t “give” people bad things to make them stronger and everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Just stop.

Adventures in Running: What is Wrong with Amanda

As a human I have quirks. As an Amanda I have many, many, many quirks. One of the worst and, maybe at times, also best is my extreme commitment to completing something I’ve said I will do, no matter how strange the thing is. However, most recently my goals have increased to a level where even I don’t understand what I am doing anymore.

I have committed myself to running a half marathon in November.

Let me backtrack a bit and show you the high speed train ride that led me here.

Several months ago I signed up for a 5k (Overzealous goal #1) I did literally no training for it. I had never run a step in my life, minus the forced mile run in 7th grade, in which I walked the curves and ran the straights of the track, so basically never ran ever. I very slowly and awkwardly jogged through downtown Nashville for 3.1 miles, didn’t die and decided I was a runner. I should mention that logic is not one of my strongest qualities. Of course that sparked a weird fire in me and I then purchased the Couch to 5k (C25k for short from here on out), and decided I was going to soon be able to run a 5k in under 30 minutes. (Overzealous goal #2) Exactly one day into my C25k program I discovered a 5k inflatable obstacle course was taking place in 9 weeks, coincidently the exact length of time the C25k lasts. So naturally I signed up immediately because what’s a decision if not made spur of the moment, am I right? (Overzealous goal #4)

I stumbled my way through C25k until the day of the obstacle course. I have no idea how long it took me as it wasn’t timed but I know it was more than 30 minutes. Much more. I almost died of heat stroke and my over-competitive nature nearly made me pass out trying to keep up with a group of Marines. But I finished! And I didn’t die.

So what’s a girl to do once she’s got one 5k and an obstacle course under her belt, you may ask? Clearly she needs to create a new goal for herself. Another 5k? A 10k? Perhaps a different obstacle course? All very logical options. But I’m Amanda, so I chose none of those. Which brings us to overzealous goal #5

One lovely day I was checking my email as normal on my lunch break, reading all my junk mail, and then what to my wandering eye did appear? An email from active.com listing ‘upcoming events in my area’! “We’ll just give it a little looksie,” I thought to myself. “5k, nah. 10k, no thanks. Why, what’s this? The Nashville Marathon, 1/2 Marathon and 5k. Interesting, let me read a bit about it…..okay done. Marathon? running for over 4 hours sounds boring. 10k doesn’t seem very impressive though. Welp, half marathon it is!!” I wish I could say that more thought went into my decision than that, but that would be a lie. In a span of about 15 minutes I decided I wanted to run 13.1 miles when the longest I has ever run was 3.1. Again let me reiterate. Logic is not my greatest attribute.

I then spent a total of 5 minutes looking up a training plan on Pinterest and jumped right on in to the self-inflicted mountain of a goal I had set for myself. As a recent non-runner, I have learned a lot in the last few months. A logical person would have learned these things through countless research, coming up with the best plan of attack, but I am not such a person. I learned through failure experience. And in order to possibly save someone in the future from falling victim to what I will now call Amanda-Syndrome (aka stupidity) I have compiled my most important running tips.

1. Running in 60 degrees is much easier than running in 100 degrees
2. Just because that random girl ran up the giant hill doesn’t mean you have to. Walk up that hill! Don’t feel shame! Walk up that hill with pride! Walking up is better than running and getting to the top with your lungs about to pop out of your chest, only to discover another hill waiting for you.
3. A frozen water bottle may seem like good idea, but a 1/2 mile in, your hand will be in the beginning stages of frostbite. Switching hands doesn’t help either, then you just have two frozen hands.
4. Running and drinking water at the same time is a learned talent. One I haven’t learned yet. Luckily I only try when no one is around to see me spill half of a bottle onto myself.
5. There’s a reason marathon runners put water in their mouth only to spit it back out. No one wants 20 ounces of liquid sloshing around in their gut while running 5 miles. Nor do you want a belly full of spaghetti. Science.
6. Running 8 miles then spending 7 hours chasing a toddler may seem doable in the spur of the moment, but your knees will hate you. They will hate you a lot. You will never feel older than you do in that moment. But bright side! The manufacturers of Aleve will love you!
7. Sometimes you take off your socks after a run to find them filled with blood. It will never not be alarming and it will never not be gross.
8. Bicycles move fast and silently. I’m almost positive that my demise will be caused by being run over by a bicyclist that I didn’t hear say “On your left”
9. 7am on Saturday is when the real runners are in the greenway. They will make you feel inadequate as the entire herd passes you “on your left”
10. Eminem is the most inspirational person alive. The cusses somehow help you forget that all of your body hurts. Only listen to him if you want to succeed in everything you do.
11. If I can run, I’m pretty sure anyone can. I’m almost positive I look like a dachshund taking tiny steps, moving my awkward body and short legs down the path, but dammit, I’m doing it! And you can too!

I’ve still got 9 weeks and 5 more miles to add until my ultimate test. Will I be able to run 13.1 miles? Will I finish before the time limit? Will they have to bring their golf cart to pick up my limp body? Will I make it to the finish line and get my free banana and beer? Only time will tell, but one thing I do know is that I’m sure I’ll come up with a new ludicrous goal immediately afterward.

Heck, maybe I’ll run across the country Forrest Gump style. That seems like the next tier in life for me.


Trucks, Tobacco and Girls. The Best Country Song Ever?


Here’s a little tidbit about me, I enjoy music. Pretty much any kind of music really. If it has an instrument or a voice involved I’ll probably listen to it at least once. In fact if you were to spend anytime at all browsing through my iPod you might even think I’m having a serious identity crisis. Anything from Eminem to U2 you’ll find it there. Heck, there might even be a song or two from Barney the Dinosaur, but I’m neither confirming nor denying this.

However there is one music genre that I just don’t understand and cannot get on board with. Almost 25 years on this earth and I just cannot understand country music. I live in Nashville, you’d think it would make sense, but nope! I’ve slowly discovered that country music is mostly about trucks. And if there’s no truck it’s a girl. No girl? How about some alcohol and a river? These are the only things you need for a country song.

You’re never going to believe this, but I may have had the most ultimate country song ever suggested to me just the other day.

The name: Boys ‘Round Here.
The artist: Blake Shelton, or as I call him, ‘that one guy from The Voice’

This song includes everything you need for the most perfect country tune! Trucks, alcohol, girls and a river! Every single one of them is here. Based on that alone it has to be great! And I’m almost 37% sure it makes perfect sense and is a wonderfully deep and meaningful song! Luckily for all of you, I’ve spent hours doing an intense lyrical study to find out if this is indeed the most perfect country song. Join me now on this lyrical journey!

Boys ‘Round Here

Well the boys ’round here don’t listen to The Beatles

Well, why not? Everyone enjoys The Beatles. They’re kind of a classic band. Even I listen to The Beatles and I have terrible taste in music. Ask anyone who’s ever spent time near me. We are not off to a great start here Blake ol’ boy.

Run ole Bocephus through a jukebox needle

Bocephus? That’s a blood disease, right? Isn’t it contagious? Are you sharing needles?? I’m pretty sure that’s how you catch Bocephus, I learned that in 7th grade health. Also, as a side note, a jukebox needle seems like the worst choice for this.

At a honky-tonk, where their boots stomp

Are people wearing boots, or are these boots stomping on their own? OH! Is this a haunted honky-tonk?? I want to go to there!

All night; what?

I’ll second that “what?” You have not said a complete thought. What’s all night? The ghosts?

(That’s right)”

Nailed it! I knew it was ghosts!

Yea, and what they call work, digging in the dirt

I just call work, work.

Gotta get it in the ground ‘fore the rain come down

Get what in the ground? The dirt? You don’t have to put dirt in the ground, it’s already there. If digging is your job I would’ve thought you’d know that by now.

To get paid, to get the girl
In your 4 wheel drive (A country boy can survive)

I’m honestly just confused now. You have to put the dirt that you dug up back into the ground before it rains? And if you don’t do this you won’t get paid? And if you don’t get paid you don’t get the girl? She seems a little catty if she won’t hang out with you unless you’ve been paid. I don’t know about her. Is the 4 wheel drive also a deal breaker? This girl is picky!

Yea the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer

Okay. That sounds nice. I’m with you.

Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

The super catty girl? 4 wheel-drive trucks? Be more descriptive! You are not painting a great word picture for me.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust”

Oh, there’s dust! So it didn’t rain then? Good! I do hope you got all your dirt put back after you dug it up for no reason.

The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

Are you praying because you’ve run out of red dirt road? You have a 4 wheel-drive, I think, you’ll probably be okay, unless you’re slowly careening towards a cliff. Which in that case I highly suggest you just flip a u and turn around.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t

HA! Legit isn’t something you say about backwoods. Silly Blake! They aren’t legit. They’re full of sharp rocks and ticks. Not legit at all. Also I’m going to have to argue with you here. Backwoods take A LOT poo. Animals live in the backwoods and they eat there, and sleep there and well, surely you catch my drift.

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

What?! Where’d you get tobacco? Where did this come from? This is right out of left field, Also, the Surgeon General says that can give you mouth cancer, just a warning

Aw heck
Red red red red red red redneck

Aww heck……I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Why are you stuttering all of a sudden?

Well the boys ’round here, they’re keeping it country
Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie
(You don’t do the dougie?) No, not in Kentucky

YouTube. It gives a fine example of how to do the Dougie. Expand your horizons you red red red red red red red red red red red rednecks. But wait, you can’t do it in Kentucky. How’s about Massachusetts? Alaska? Wyoming?

But these girls ’round here yep, they still love me

Whoa! Calm down there Rico Suave. I don’t love you. That’s a bold statement. Maybe check your facts before you say such conceited things

“Yea, the girls ’round here, they all deserve a whistle

Ahh, yes, every girl should have a rape whistle. I appreciate your support of woman’s safety.

Shakin’ that sugar, sweet as Dixie crystal

Is that like when Outkast told me to shake it like a Polaroid picture? Because as it turns out Polaroid strongly suggests you do NOT do that. Out of curiosity, is Dixie crystal, meth? I watched Breaking Bad and that sounds a lot like a name for meth. Don’t do meth kids.

They like that y’all and southern drawl
And just can’t help it cause they just keep fallin

Help them up!! And for goodness sakes get them to the doctor! If they keep falling they may have a serious medical problem.

For the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

Okay, well you already talked about all of this. I’m growing bored.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

If you’ve run out of red dirt road, just find another road dude. They’re literally everywhere. I can see like 5 roads right now just from right where I’m sitting.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t
Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

Again with the tobacco. It’s so abrupt. Why are you saying this? And why are you repeating yourself? We heard you the first time.

“Let me hear you say
(Ooh let’s ride)
(Ooh let’s ride)
Down to the river side

No….I’m not going to say that. I’m just not.

“(Ooh let’s ride…)”


Hey now girl, hop inside
Me and you gonna take a little ride to the river

Where is there a river? Did the red dirt road run into a river?!? Can you swim?!? ARE YOU OKAY? May I suggest a pontoon? I learned a lot about them awhile back. They’re for red red red red red red rednecks.

Let’s ride (That’s right)”

I already said no twice. Perhaps the 3rd times a charm.

Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound

…..I get what you’re implying here and I am appalled.

We out of town

That’s because you didn’t listen when I told you to find another road when you ran out of the other one. Sigh….

Have you ever got down with
Red red red red red red redneck?


“And do you wanna get down with
Red red red red red red redneck?


Girl you gotta get down

No means no, man.

“With the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

Are the boys at the river/on the blanket with the crickets as well? You might need a friendship break from them. You seem a little clingy.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

I cannot stress this enough, just find another road.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t

I’m not even going to talk to you about this again. You are a terrible listener. They’re is so much sh*t in the woods it’s not even funny.

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

I don’t know of you’re attempting to peer pressure me into chewing tobacco, but I’m not going to. I’ve seen The Sandlot. They tried that and they vomited everywhere! That is not pleasant. I do not want to participate

(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)

What happened to your job? Why haven’t you gone back yet? You’ll never get paid at this rate.

I’m one of them boys ’round here
(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

I kind of already gathered that, why did you wait till the end of the song to let us know you’re one of the boys. I think in retrospect you should have stated that right from the get go.

(Ooh let’s ride)
Well all I’m thinkin’ ’bout is you and me, how we’ll be

That’s a little creepy. I don’t even know you!

So come on girl, hop inside
Me and you, we’re gonna take a little ride”


Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound

Do I need to break out that whistle you gave me earlier? You’re more than a little pushy.

We out of town
Girl you gotta get down with
Come on through the country side
Down to the river side

I’m not going to do any of those things with you. Ever. Creepy McCreeperson.

….while this song does contain every single important aspect of a country tune, I’m not sure it’s the ultimate country song. In fact, I’ll just say it, it’s not. It’s really just a terribly confusing group of words promoting the use of tobacco and getting frisky in the woods. I don’t know what Blake Shelton was thinking here. I’m very disappointed. I had high hopes for this one, but alas it did not make me love country music….sigh.

So in summary, if creepy pushy rednecks with trucks who chew tobacco are your thing, then boy do I have a song for you to hear!! If not, then may I suggest absolutely any other song ever?

But I did learn something, so this whole experience wasn’t a complete bust! Mr Shelton suffers from a stuttering problem. It seems to only affect his use of the word ‘red’ though, which seems odd, but I’m no speech therapist. I’d never guessed he had this struggle. He covers it up well in the public eye.

Yoga Relaxes the Mind and the Body…Unless You’re Amanda

I’ve been very busy as you can tell by my 1+ year hiatus from here. And when I say very busy, I really just mean I haven’t really been feeling creative and/or I’ve been putting my creative energies into other things and/or I forgot about this blog until someone said I should write a book today then I remembered it existed. But that’s not to say I haven’t used my hiatus very efficiently. I’ve done lots of things, lots and lots of things, for instance I’ve recently taken up the practice of yoga.

I’m not new to yoga, per say, in the sense that I’ve done yoga for several years on the wii fit. In Amanda’s world anything you do on the wii fit is real and totally helpful to your physical fitness. So naturally the transition process to what I now refer to as ‘real yoga’ went a bit like this “Yoga is so easy! I can definitely do yoga! I’m going to go straight to Target right now and a buy a dvd.” And that’s exactly what I did.

Many yoga dvd’s they have at the Target, many different kinds. Being that I’m not one to deny a challenge I chose to purchase the most difficult yoga dvd they had; Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown. I should have known better. The first sign that this was a bad choice was the “Jillian Michaels” part. The second would be the “meltdown”. As a newbie I should have chosen the dvd labeled solely “Yoga”, but I didn’t, because I’m Amanda, and I was convinced I was not a newbie.

I brought Jillian home, popped her right in the DVD player and got started, immediately I realized I was a newbie, I didn’t even have a yoga mat, I fell over at least 5 times and cursed just as many. Of course I went back to the store and bought a mat immediately because clearly the lack of a rubber foam beneath me was the reason I couldn’t do a downward dog. It had absolutely nothing to do with my completely lack of balance and flexibility. Since that evening I’ve spent many excruciatingly embarrassing months with Jillian before I finally threw up my white flag and admitted to being inflexible. Apparently yoga is supposed make you flexible and relaxed, not cause you to shout expletives. Who knew?

So I’ve finally moved backwards in my yoga endeavor, accepted my ‘yoga newbie’ title and downloaded Yoga Studio on my iPad.

Yoga Studio has many different classes you can do, ranging anywhere from beginner flexibility to advanced strength in which the first pose looks something like this:

Obviously something along the lines of “HOLY POOP!” came out of my mouth when I saw that pose so I stepped it back into the intermediate range (clearly I’m still not fully accepting my beginner status) and chose the 60 minute intermediate flexibility class, thinking to myself, “Technically, not a beginner because I’ve been doing Jillian, I know how yoga works. Plus flexibility is mostly going to be stretches so I want to get all the physical fitness I can. I’ll go with an hour”


From the beginning of the class I’m supposed to be focusing on only my breathing, clearing my mind, preparing myself for a deep 60 minute yoga experience. Nope. Not once was my mind clear. Not one time.

Here’s just a small sampling of the things I said and/or thought through my entire 60 minute session:

“Ha! Yeah okay”
“No, I’m not going to do that.”
“Ummm….I think my leg is ripping in half.”
“Downward dog again?!?”
“Corpse pose*! I’m good at this one!”
“No seriously, I really think my quad is ripping in half this time.”
“Yeah, no, I can’t do that.”
“If I could touch my toes, I wouldn’t need the flexibility class.”
“I wonder how often people release gas during the happy baby pose?”
“Holy crap it’s only been 30 minutes?!?! UGHHHH!!”
“I can’t breathe, my lungs are being crushed!”
“What if someone is taller than the yoga mat? Do they make extra long mats for those people.”
“Oh shoot! I’m supposed to clear my mind…..”
“I physically CANNOT do that!”
“Is she even a person?”
“Is her spine intact?”
“Ahhh how can I relax if I can’t breathe and my leg muscle has just torn apart?”
and finally
“Okay, that’ll be good. I’m done now.”

So, all that said, yoga is going well!! I’m super good at the ‘relaxing and letting my mind be free’ part as you can see. I should also definitely attend a public session, my comments would not disturb anyone I’m sure.

BUT I can touch my toes now and even balance on one foot while holding up the other as if I were a human pretzel. If that’s not yoga, I don’t know what is. I’d say I’m pretty close to being a professional yogi now and I’m even thinking of taking up a partnership with Jillian, if she’s willing of course.

Until my dvd deal comes through, I’ll just be over here trying to reach my toes to the back of my head without pulling a hammy!

*Image quite literally lying on the ground as if I were dead.

Heaven Help Us

I’ll never understand, nor do I want to understand, what makes a person reach a point in which they feel the need to take the lives of others. Adult or child, it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s predetermined or in the heat of the moment I will never get it. Which is good I suppose, in the sense that I’ll never become a serial killer. But it makes things like what happened in Connecticut today, break my heart.

A man walks into a school and kills 26 people. 6 adults and 20 children. Kindergarteners. 5 years olds. He shot children. People who have not had a chance to live life yet. I’m in no way saying it would be better had he killed adults, but really? children? Parents dropped their kids off at school that morning, as normal. Little did they know, they were never going to see them again

I think this incident hit me harder than the others because of my job. As much as I complain about it, I love it. 6 little faces, depending on me daily for comfort from boo-boos and general entertainment. There are days when it stresses me and makes me crazy, but I cannot begin to fathom the thought of something happening to any of them. And I certainly cannot begin to comprehend what it must be like to be the parent of one of those children. These parents dropped their kids off at school thinking they’re doing the best they can for their kids. Thinking it’s a safe place, that nothing will happen. But even schools aren’t safe anymore.

First a movie theatre in Colorado, then a mall in Portland and now this, an elementary school. Something is not right in this world. People are quick to blame it on a lack of gun control. The idea that if people couldn’t own guns, this wouldn’t happen. I find that hard to believe. Clearly the people responsible for these tragedies are not rational beings. If they want a gun, they’re going to find a gun. It doesn’t matter what rules or laws exist, a way will be found.

This world is screwed up, plain and simple. I don’t understand these tragedies and I never will. There’s no reason or excuse for these things. The world and the people in it are broken. And that’s not going to change while we all argue about silly things. The solution? We need Jesus. We need love. I don’t know how we go about that, other than showing an outpouring of love to those around us. I’m not saying that I have the ultimate answer to keeping tragedies from occurring. In fact, I don’t. I put my shoe on the wrong foot earlier, obviously I’m not a great source of intelligence or knowledge.

All I really know is that we shouldn’t take a single second for granted because life is short and it is precious…and we need Jesus.

Amanda, The Social Interaction Expert

I know this will be very surprising to all of you, but I occasionally* do stupid things. Normally I carry myself with great poise and dignity but yesterday was a different story. Yesterday I made myself look a fool to a complete and total stranger who is now my new coworker. I don’t want to say that I made the best first impression ever, but guys I did it. I freaking did it.

You see, I have a problem where I don’t pay attention to things that are happening around me very well. My mind tends to wander, and often when my mind is wandering, people try to talk to me. This never ends well for me. 100% of the time I respond inappropriately. For instance I once ordered simply the color ‘black’ at Chipotle thinking they were asking about beans, when in reality they wanted to know what kind of meat I wanted. Black is not the proper response to that question. I would never, ever want black meat. That’d be gross.

Luckily when I respond like an idiot people tend to stare at me in a manner that shows that I responded like an idiot. Then I’m given a chance to try again. If I was never given a Mulligan, I would quite literally have zero friends and would have eaten a lot of really weird food. Yesterday though, I found a way to top all the stupid things I’ve ever done. I’ve hit my stupid peak and I can only get better from this point on….I hope.

Unfortunately stupidity was just oozing out of my pores yesterday. It all started at 6 am.

I had recently purchased a new pair of jeans. I was a big fan of these jeans. I tried them on the dressing room of the local Old Navy and they fit like a gem, so naturally I bout them and wore them the next day without properly washing them first. This was stupid mistake number one. These jeans were a dark wash jean, which while give a slimming look, do not do good things to you if you have not washed them. Around 9 am I looked down at my hands and I was turning blue. Not sort of blue, but blue enough that it looked like the circulation in my hands was no more. To the regular eye, I no longer had blood flow into my phalanges. Not the case, my new pants had given me a serious case of Smurf hands.

As I sat in my classroom at nap time making sure no children disappear in their sleep and slowly dying of boredom, my mind began to wander. I was trying to figure out how to remove the blue from my skin. Obviously the most logical thought I had was, “hey, maybe if I wipe my palms on my pants it will come off.” Nope. This was clearly the worst decision I could have made. Wiping off the blue on the object that provided the blue is really just going to make the problem worse. And it did. My hands were even more blue. As I stared at my hands contemplating my next move, someone I had only ever seen in passing stopped next to my classroom and struck up conversation with me. I was not prepared for conversation so my mind was not prepared for listening. You might even say my listening ears were not on. This girl said something that I’m sure was in American english but what my unprepared ears heard was this,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

As I don’t speak Klingon I did the logical thing and responded with this incredibly polite phrase,


Stranger girl repeated herself. Unfortunately she was politely whispering since it was nap time so again I heard this,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

Not wanting to look like an idiot I decided to give a response this time. It was lunchtime so my brain decided she was asking about my lunch break. So I said,

“No. I already had my break.”

Based on the look I received I immediately knew she did not ask about that and my response was 100% incorrect. So she tried again,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….”

This time I was able to distinguish and name. A name that was not my name,

“..mmeomm meomshiu jfioemdm….Sally**?”

Sally was not my name so when someone is addressing you by not your name the response should obviously be,

“I don’t know.”

Again, based on the look, not a good answer.

“You don’t know who Sally is?”

Now, guys I know who Sally is. I know exactly who Sally is. And as it turns out, all this poor girl was trying to figure out was where Sally was currently located. After an incredibly long and awkward exchange, this stranger and I were on the same page. Unfortunately at this point the damage had been done. I had already burned the bridges of what could have become a wonderful friendship. But in an attempt to mend this never to exist relationship I directed her to Sally and she went on her way.

I assume she went on her way muttering something about the blue handed freak who doesn’t know her coworkers name and is 98% deaf. I know I would have, because let’s be real, I looked like a complete and total moron. I would definitely not be friends with me if I had participated in that interaction with me.

And she doesn’t even know that I managed to pocket dial someone with my iPhone just mere hours before. (btw: still not real sure how I did that, I don’t really want to talk about it, and I’ve been butthurt about it ever since) I’m sure that fact would only increase her opinion of me exponentially.

But really in retrospect, I’m actually pretty much the coolest and I’m really smooth and breezy and handled that situation like a charm. So you know, whatever, if you need any help with making new friends, call me. I’m really good at first impressions.



*And by occasionally I mean, all the time. Literally every single day.
**This name has been changed. Mostly because I wanted to do it.

Freaking Angry Birds. Stop Ruining Our Nation

Let’s get real guys. America is a really weird place. We put sweaters on our pets, watch the Kardashian’s do absolutely nothing for hours upon hours, do the cha-cha slide and most of all, we fling stupid looking birds at round, green pigs.

Imagine if you were trying to explain the game Angry Birds to someone who had no idea what it was:

Angry Birds

Angry Birds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“What’s that game?”
“Oh. It’s Angry Birds.”
“What’s the point?”
“I’m trying to kill all those pigs because they took my eggs.”
“Those don’t look like birds….that one is triangular-shaped and that other one looks like a bomb.”
“Well, that’s because the bomb one explodes and blows up those wooden block and the triangle one can plow through the wood block.”
“But why do they need to?”
“To kill the pigs.”
“Those don’t look like pigs. Where are their legs?”
“I don’t know, I guess they’re obese and you can’t see their legs anymore.”
“But why are you trying to kill them?”
“Because they stole the bird eggs.”
“To do what with them?”
“Eat them I guess.”
“Pigs don’t eat eggs….”
“These do.”
“Why does killing the pigs get the eggs back? And why are they balanced so precariously on cliffs and blocks?”
“It just does. And because they hide the eggs there to keep the birds from getting them back.”
“Why do you have to use a slingshot? Don’t birds know how to fly?”
“Not these ones. They have tiny wings.”
“I don’t know. They just do.”
“This game is stupid….why are they in space now?”
“Oh. This is the new game Angry Birds Space.”
“Leave me alone. I’m learning physics and the value of perseverance.”
“Sure….What are those stars for?”
“You get stars when you win.
“For what?”
“Just for winning.”
“How do you get 3 stars?”
“By getting a really high score.”
“How do you get a high score?”
“You have to kill all the pigs with as few birds as possible. Then you win.”

Seriously though guys. Why am I so obsessed with this game? It’s the world’s most ridiculous game and I can’t stop playing. I’ve spent approximately all day long, playing the same levels over and over trying to get all 3 stars. I have a problem. And apparently so does the rest of the world as it’s always the number one downloaded game in the app store. It’s a brain numbing game and we’re all playing it. We’re slowly getting dumber as a nation and this game is at fault. Kids aren’t studying anymore, they’re playing Angry Birds. College students aren’t going to class…because they’re playing angry birds. And numerous grown adults are missing work because, you guessed it, those darn Angry Birds. It’s no wonder we have a terrible economy. We can’t stop flinging birds at round green pigs. We’re all going to turn into bloated parodies of ourselves while we sit and stare at our smart phones for hours on end and not a single one of us cares. Because it has sucked us in and we can’t stop. Ever.

But I don’t really care. I’m not going to stop until I get 3 stars on every level, I’m not. Because I am part of the Angry Birds problem.

Help. Me.

Weirdos Should Not Be Allowed Access To The Internet

{Before I begin. I’ve started writing here. It’s a blog all about Nashville Predators hockey. All the time. So in short, what I’m saying is, most of my hockey obnoxiousness will be spewed there instead of here. Aren’t you happy? Unless you enjoyed that stuff. Then I guess click that link, and enjoy. And now onto the regularly scheduled program.}

I write about weird things. I’m not going to deny this. I’ve written posts ranging from an accusation of Fred Phelps being Michael Phelps estranged father, to brainstorming the current state of the Boy Meets World characters. So, it’s no surprise to me that occasionally some weird google searches link people to my blog. But sometimes, sometimes the phrases are even too weird for me and I can’t see how in a million, bajillion years that search term led to my blog. But I’m a people pleaser, so I’m here to help you big freaks who google really weird things. Next time you google your weird things, I’ll have an answer for you. You’re welcome.

“scared people swimming” – My best guess is that the person searching for scared people swimming was looking for a picture. So you know, I’m on it:

“everytime i wear my lucky hat i…” – have good luck! Yes. Nailed it.

“ow. stop it you.” – Oh. I’m sorry. Am I causing you pain with my sharp wit? (see what I did there?)

“what is michael phelps going to do now” – Simple. He’s going to marry me. Then we’re going to have babies. And he’s going to teach the babies to swim. Someone needs to be able to teach my future children not to drown, I can’t do that. He’ll probably have to teach me too.

“adam levine trenchcoat” – I have no idea what you were looking for here. But I googled it myself and the image results were nothing short of inappropriate. So I’m not doing this one for you, ya freak.

“recent sports events” – May I direct you to http://www.espn.com?


“sparkly silver acoustic guitar” – Here you go buddy!

“alex ovechkin face” – First. Why would you want to find this? His face is mildly terrifying. Second. Here it is. Try not to have too many nightmares.

“i don’t care what you think of me i don’t think of you at all” – That’s just rude. I’m not talking to you.

“knock my head on table” – That sounds like a terrible idea. I would not highly recommend that. One time I bashed my head into the bottom of a cabinet and I immediately was able to smell sounds and taste color. I imagine knocking your head on a table would accomplish the same thing. So if that sounds pleasant, go for it.

“dustin brown la kings sexy” – I know for a fact I have NEVER stated this. I don’t know why this brought you here to my little corner of the internet, but he is not sexy. Have you seen him? His face is WAY asymmetrical and he looks like a weasel. But hey, if that’s your thing than go for it girl (or guy, I don’t want to pigeon-hole)

“hey, i just met you, and this is crazy, steve urkel” – Did you just meet me? Did you just meet Steve Urkel? Because if you just met me, well cool I guess. But I don’t know what’s so crazy. Maybe the fact that you have some sort of tourette’s that causes you to randomly say Steve Urkel. And if you think you just met Steve Urkel, well I’ve got news. He’s a fictional character.

There we go guys. Now your weird, curious minds can be fulfilled. But I’m just going to be real with myself. All I’ve probably accomplished is leading more weirdos to my blog. But it’s all about quantity not quality right? Guys? Right?

5 Reasons I Would Not Survive Being ‘Scared Straight’

I have a serious problem where I watch A&E shows way too much. Mostly because they make me feel a lot better about myself, as I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. Nor have I ever been to prison. One of my worst guilty pleasures is watching Beyond Scared Straight. It terrifies me, yet I love it. I just can’t look away. However, it has occurred to me, I would immediately die of a stroke if I was on this show. I’m quivering in fear watching it, I can only imagine what would happen to me if I was actually wearing one of those lovely orange jumpsuits.

So for your viewing/reading pleasure I have given the top 5 reason why I would never make it through the filming of an episode of Beyond Scared Straight.

1. When the girl on the particular episode that I’m currently watching made a statement about her roach box, I thought she had a bug collection. Turns out she was referring to mara-ju-wana. They would eat me alive.

2. In the 22 minutes that I’ve been sitting here watching this show I’ve been ‘scared straight’ at least 5 times and my blood pressure has risen 100 points from the anxiety I’m experiencing through the television screen.

3. When the inmates started shouting things at me about being a loser and that I would be taken advantage of in prison, I would just immediately turn around and run. Or more likely curl up in a ball and weep uncontrollably.

4. Orange is not my color. My skin tone would look terrible in those jumpsuits. It seems like a moot point now, but it would cause me to lose my mind if I were being ‘scared straight’.

5. I love rules. I love following them, enforcing them, making them up for others. Rules are fantastic. Thus I would never be in a position where I would need to be scared straight.


The Truth About Women (You’re Welcome Guys)

Females are complex creatures. We do many strange things that the male race does not understand. In fact sometimes I don’t even understand the things we do. But nonetheless these things are done without fail. In an effort to dispel some of the rumors and confusion I thought I would do my best to answer/solve the many mysteries of women.

I did a poll of random men* on the street to find out the most confusing aspects of female-dom. And these are the question that I received:

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Why do women take so long to get ready?
Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Why do you need so many shoes?
Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?
You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
6 inch heels? What the heck?
Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?
Why is your purse so heavy?
Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
Why do women shave their legs?
Why do women have periods?
Do women like facial hair?
Are women crazy?

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Simple. We don’t want to be murdered. If you go to the bathroom alone and there’s a murderer hiding in one of the stalls, BAM, your done-zo. If you go with 3-4 others you’re good. That’s too many people to murder without someone noticing. Plus if you don’t know where the bathroom is in a restaurant it’s a lot better to wander around aimlessly with someone else rather than alone.

Why do women take so long to get ready?
Because we can. The end.

Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
Well, because we value our eyesight. One rogue mascara brush to the retina and you’re out of the game for days. It’s a known fact that unless you also open your mouth the eyes are not capable of fully opening.

What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
…..ya, I don’t know.

Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Because that bald-headed man is terrifying. Plus the air filter looked kind of dirty. So ya, sure change that sucker.

Why do you need so many shoes?
C’mon. Really? You can’t wear tennis shoes with skinny jeans and you can’t wear boots with sweat pants. A girl needs options. And perhaps 95% of the shoes don’t get worn, big deal. Someday I WILL need those whale print rain boots. You don’t know.

Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?

You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Um, because it fits. If you find something that works, you get ALL of them.

Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
Yes. I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could do it, but I don’t want to try. Go ahead buddy. Save the day.

6 inch heels? What the heck?
That’s just Lady Gaga. We don’t claim her as one of us.

Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?

Why is your purse so heavy?
You do not need to know. It’s women stuff. Plus if you knew the real reason you’d probably regret asking.

Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
That’s a fair question….I don’t know the answer.

Why do women shave their legs?
Um…pretty sure that’s your fault guys. I know for a fact I don’t do it because I enjoy it. Someone, somewhere (most likely a man) decided women were infinitely more gorgeous with smooth shiny legs. I hate that person.

Why do women have periods?
……….Go back to 5th grade health class. Ok bye!

Do women like facial hair?
Absolutely! As long as it well-kept. No ZZ-Top beards or any kind of mustaches. We find those terrifying.

Are women crazy?
Asking that question is a sure-fire way to find out the answer.

There you go fellas. The answers to all the questions you’ve ever had about women. Now you know every thing about us and what makes us tick. You will never be confused by our actions ever again.** You are very welcome.



*False. I typed in ‘why do women…’ on google and took the top things that popped up. Also I made up the other 98%.