Trucks, Tobacco and Girls. The Best Country Song Ever?

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Here’s a little tidbit about me, I enjoy music. Pretty much any kind of music really. If it has an instrument or a voice involved I’ll probably listen to it at least once. In fact if you were to spend anytime at all browsing through my iPod you might even think I’m having a serious identity crisis. Anything from Eminem to U2 you’ll find it there. Heck, there might even be a song or two from Barney the Dinosaur, but I’m neither confirming nor denying this.

However there is one music genre that I just don’t understand and cannot get on board with. Almost 25 years on this earth and I just cannot understand country music. I live in Nashville, you’d think it would make sense, but nope! I’ve slowly discovered that country music is mostly about trucks. And if there’s no truck it’s a girl. No girl? How about some alcohol and a river? These are the only things you need for a country song.

You’re never going to believe this, but I may have had the most ultimate country song ever suggested to me just the other day.

The name: Boys ‘Round Here.
The artist: Blake Shelton, or as I call him, ‘that one guy from The Voice’

This song includes everything you need for the most perfect country tune! Trucks, alcohol, girls and a river! Every single one of them is here. Based on that alone it has to be great! And I’m almost 37% sure it makes perfect sense and is a wonderfully deep and meaningful song! Luckily for all of you, I’ve spent hours doing an intense lyrical study to find out if this is indeed the most perfect country song. Join me now on this lyrical journey!

Boys ‘Round Here

Well the boys ’round here don’t listen to The Beatles

Well, why not? Everyone enjoys The Beatles. They’re kind of a classic band. Even I listen to The Beatles and I have terrible taste in music. Ask anyone who’s ever spent time near me. We are not off to a great start here Blake ol’ boy.

Run ole Bocephus through a jukebox needle

Bocephus? That’s a blood disease, right? Isn’t it contagious? Are you sharing needles?? I’m pretty sure that’s how you catch Bocephus, I learned that in 7th grade health. Also, as a side note, a jukebox needle seems like the worst choice for this.

At a honky-tonk, where their boots stomp

Are people wearing boots, or are these boots stomping on their own? OH! Is this a haunted honky-tonk?? I want to go to there!

All night; what?

I’ll second that “what?” You have not said a complete thought. What’s all night? The ghosts?

(That’s right)”

Nailed it! I knew it was ghosts!

Yea, and what they call work, digging in the dirt

I just call work, work.

Gotta get it in the ground ‘fore the rain come down

Get what in the ground? The dirt? You don’t have to put dirt in the ground, it’s already there. If digging is your job I would’ve thought you’d know that by now.

To get paid, to get the girl
In your 4 wheel drive (A country boy can survive)

I’m honestly just confused now. You have to put the dirt that you dug up back into the ground before it rains? And if you don’t do this you won’t get paid? And if you don’t get paid you don’t get the girl? She seems a little catty if she won’t hang out with you unless you’ve been paid. I don’t know about her. Is the 4 wheel drive also a deal breaker? This girl is picky!

Yea the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer

Okay. That sounds nice. I’m with you.

Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

The super catty girl? 4 wheel-drive trucks? Be more descriptive! You are not painting a great word picture for me.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust”

Oh, there’s dust! So it didn’t rain then? Good! I do hope you got all your dirt put back after you dug it up for no reason.

The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

Are you praying because you’ve run out of red dirt road? You have a 4 wheel-drive, I think, you’ll probably be okay, unless you’re slowly careening towards a cliff. Which in that case I highly suggest you just flip a u and turn around.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t

HA! Legit isn’t something you say about backwoods. Silly Blake! They aren’t legit. They’re full of sharp rocks and ticks. Not legit at all. Also I’m going to have to argue with you here. Backwoods take A LOT poo. Animals live in the backwoods and they eat there, and sleep there and well, surely you catch my drift.

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

What?! Where’d you get tobacco? Where did this come from? This is right out of left field, Also, the Surgeon General says that can give you mouth cancer, just a warning

Aw heck
Red red red red red red redneck

Aww heck……I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Why are you stuttering all of a sudden?

Well the boys ’round here, they’re keeping it country
Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie
(You don’t do the dougie?) No, not in Kentucky

YouTube. It gives a fine example of how to do the Dougie. Expand your horizons you red red red red red red red red red red red rednecks. But wait, you can’t do it in Kentucky. How’s about Massachusetts? Alaska? Wyoming?

But these girls ’round here yep, they still love me

Whoa! Calm down there Rico Suave. I don’t love you. That’s a bold statement. Maybe check your facts before you say such conceited things

“Yea, the girls ’round here, they all deserve a whistle

Ahh, yes, every girl should have a rape whistle. I appreciate your support of woman’s safety.

Shakin’ that sugar, sweet as Dixie crystal

Is that like when Outkast told me to shake it like a Polaroid picture? Because as it turns out Polaroid strongly suggests you do NOT do that. Out of curiosity, is Dixie crystal, meth? I watched Breaking Bad and that sounds a lot like a name for meth. Don’t do meth kids.

They like that y’all and southern drawl
And just can’t help it cause they just keep fallin
‘”

Help them up!! And for goodness sakes get them to the doctor! If they keep falling they may have a serious medical problem.

For the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

Okay, well you already talked about all of this. I’m growing bored.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

If you’ve run out of red dirt road, just find another road dude. They’re literally everywhere. I can see like 5 roads right now just from right where I’m sitting.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t
Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

Again with the tobacco. It’s so abrupt. Why are you saying this? And why are you repeating yourself? We heard you the first time.

“Let me hear you say
(Ooh let’s ride)
(Ooh let’s ride)
Down to the river side

No….I’m not going to say that. I’m just not.

“(Ooh let’s ride…)”

No.

Hey now girl, hop inside
Me and you gonna take a little ride to the river

Where is there a river? Did the red dirt road run into a river?!? Can you swim?!? ARE YOU OKAY? May I suggest a pontoon? I learned a lot about them awhile back. They’re for red red red red red red rednecks.

Let’s ride (That’s right)”

I already said no twice. Perhaps the 3rd times a charm.

Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound

…..I get what you’re implying here and I am appalled.

We out of town

That’s because you didn’t listen when I told you to find another road when you ran out of the other one. Sigh….

Have you ever got down with
Red red red red red red redneck?

No.

“And do you wanna get down with
Red red red red red red redneck?

No.

Girl you gotta get down

No means no, man.

“With the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks

Are the boys at the river/on the blanket with the crickets as well? You might need a friendship break from them. You seem a little clingy.

Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs

I cannot stress this enough, just find another road.

Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t

I’m not even going to talk to you about this again. You are a terrible listener. They’re is so much sh*t in the woods it’s not even funny.

Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit

I don’t know of you’re attempting to peer pressure me into chewing tobacco, but I’m not going to. I’ve seen The Sandlot. They tried that and they vomited everywhere! That is not pleasant. I do not want to participate

(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)

What happened to your job? Why haven’t you gone back yet? You’ll never get paid at this rate.

I’m one of them boys ’round here
(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

I kind of already gathered that, why did you wait till the end of the song to let us know you’re one of the boys. I think in retrospect you should have stated that right from the get go.

(Ooh let’s ride)
Well all I’m thinkin’ ’bout is you and me, how we’ll be

That’s a little creepy. I don’t even know you!

So come on girl, hop inside
Me and you, we’re gonna take a little ride”

NO.

Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound

Do I need to break out that whistle you gave me earlier? You’re more than a little pushy.

We out of town
Girl you gotta get down with
Come on through the country side
Down to the river side

I’m not going to do any of those things with you. Ever. Creepy McCreeperson.

….while this song does contain every single important aspect of a country tune, I’m not sure it’s the ultimate country song. In fact, I’ll just say it, it’s not. It’s really just a terribly confusing group of words promoting the use of tobacco and getting frisky in the woods. I don’t know what Blake Shelton was thinking here. I’m very disappointed. I had high hopes for this one, but alas it did not make me love country music….sigh.

So in summary, if creepy pushy rednecks with trucks who chew tobacco are your thing, then boy do I have a song for you to hear!! If not, then may I suggest absolutely any other song ever?

But I did learn something, so this whole experience wasn’t a complete bust! Mr Shelton suffers from a stuttering problem. It seems to only affect his use of the word ‘red’ though, which seems odd, but I’m no speech therapist. I’d never guessed he had this struggle. He covers it up well in the public eye.

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You See, What I Meant Was, You’re Singing A Song About A Pontoon? That’s Super Cool!

Several weeks ago I posted a blog sharing my, somewhat sarcastic, thoughts on the Little Big Town hit, ‘Pontoon’. (If you promise not to verbally harass me, you can view it here.)

As it turns out, I’m not allowed to have thoughts about the hit song of the summer, because the people who enjoy the hit song, ‘Pontoon’ do not have the ability to read sarcasm on the internet.

At first people commented in a vain attempt to explain the song to me. I get the song guys. It’s a carefree song about spending the day on the lake. Shakespeare it is not. You’d literally have to be an Eskimo who lives in the arctic where there are only frozen lakes and no where to put a pontoon, to not understand this song. I just don’t like it, okay? Sometimes I hear songs I don’t enjoy, it happens. This does not however mean that I don’t understand what the song means.

Then my lovely commenting friends moved on from the kind responses in attempt to explain the song to accusing me of drug use for not enjoying/understanding the song. Again, I get the song. I was attempting to be humorous and mock the song. I failed clearly. It has very little to do with drug use. I don’t even use drugs, unless Mucinex counts. But that’s only because I have nasal congestion.

And then I received my favorite comment this morning. It was one sentence, merely the words, “Oh, this was supposed to be funny? Hmm.” Apparently they didn’t think it was funny. Now this comment seems sort of kind and not verbally abusive in any way, but it was signed “your mom” at the website “youreanidiot.com” with the email address of “poop@poopshoot.com”. Normally my mother is very supportive of my endeavors. Apparently even she cannot stand my mockery of Little Big Town and their love of pontoons.*

I guess what this says is I have become a hated member of the internet blogging society. So in an effort to clear my good name, I’m going to retract my mockery of Pontoon.

What I really meant to say was:

Dear Little Big Town,

I recently heard your hit song Pontoon on the WSIX in Nashville. As I was listening to the song I thought to myself, “WOW! This melody is incredibly well-crafted. I just want to bob my head forever while listening to it!” And then you started singing!! Those lyrics are nothing short of magical. You painted a phenomenal word picture of what it is like to spend your day on a Pontoon boat. When I finished listening to the song, all I wanted to do was buy myself a boat and hit the open water! Never did I think to myself, “this is a goofy song. Maybe I should write a blog adding my commentary to the lyrics.” Not once did I think that. Because this is a GREAT song. It’s obviously become the song of the people**. So kudos to you guys! You have a hit on your hands. I hope it makes you millions of dollar, so that maybe you can buy an even bigger pontoon!

Sincerely,

Amanda

*Guys, that comment wasn’t really from my mom. I think it was probably a very mature grown-up who thought they were hurting my feelings.

**Redneck people who love boats, and apparently the angry people who read my blog. Only those people.

Scotty McCreery: A Commentary

TWINS!

Last week I did something I’m not proud of. I downloaded Scotty McCreery‘s album. You know, Scotty McCreery, the 18-year-old boy who looks like Alfred E. Newman and sings like a 57-year-old man. That guy. I don’t know what came over me. I saw that it was only $7.99 on iTunes, and like that I hit the download button and there he was in all his glory on my iPod. The worst part about all of this is that I enjoyed the music. I liked it. A lot. What is wrong with me. Well, I enjoyed it that is, until I got to the title song, Clear As Day:

“You were sitting on that Silverado bumper
Outside our locker room after the game”

Hey, uh Scotty. Is it not strange to you, that she’s just hanging out on a bumper? And do trucks have bumpers? Isn’t it more of a tailgate? I’m not really ‘southern’ like you, I don’t know much. Also what kind of game? Clearly you’re telling a story here. I need more details to have a better mental picture of what’s happening.

“Glowing in the tan you got that summer”

Ok, so it’s summer. We’re probably talking baseball here. That’s pretty much the only summer sport, unless she’s still sporting her tan from the summer and it’s fall, in which case you could be playing basketball or football. I still don’t know. I’m going baseball, though because I enjoy it more.

“I walked by and you said ‘hey’
Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

Hold up. All she said was “Hey”? That line works Scotty? You mean all I need to do to hook a man is just say, ‘hey’? I might give that whirl sometime. Thanks for the tips!

“First time we’d ever beat East Lincoln county
Big party down at Ricky Bowman’s place”

Wait. Where’s East Lincoln county? Are they your rivals? And who’s Ricky Bowman? Is his place cool? What’s it like? Was there a bonfire? A hayride? Movies? What did you do there? Was there booze, because you are underage Scotty. Not okay. I’m really upset with your lack of details here my friend. I need more. You are not painting a very good word picture for me.

“I walked up, you threw your arms around me
And whispered you loved to watch me play
Yeah that night’s still Clear As Day”

Awwww….how cute. And sort of creepy. Why did she whisper it? That’s a little sketch man. I’m not sure about her, but you seem to be okay with her. By the way, what’s her name?

“There ain’t one second, times erased
Every detail is still in place
You hold to what you love
Some things never fade
And that night’s still Clear As Day”

Wow Scotty. That is insightful. I’m not even mad. That’s a pretty deep thought for someone who looks like the guy from Mad Magazine.

“We went to get some fresh air on the back porch
I put my class ring by the cross on your gold chain
You backed my back against those cedar clapboards
My lips ain’t never been kissed that way
Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHOA!! You guys are moving pretty fast Scotty! You gave her your class ring?? You guys are pretty much married now. You’re like 12, slow down there buddy. And she is forceful, what with the backing you into cedar clapboard and kissing you and what not. Also are you old enough to be smooching? I don’t even think I’m old enough and I’m 23. But I’m still kind of scared of cooties, so whatever, to each his own.

“There ain’t one second, times erased
Every detail is still in place
You hold to what you love
Some things never fade”

Again, I’m not even mad about this. You’re a wise man Scotty.

“I walked you to your brother’s Silverado
When he climbed behind the wheel he seemed okay
Last thing you said is I’ll call you tomorrow
That’s a call you never got to make
They blamed it on the fog and pouring rain
And that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHAAATTT????!!! What just happened???? Scotty!! This song was so happy, you were falling in love and now SHE’S DEAD?? What kind of song is this? Why did you make me all happy and nostalgic and lovey dovey for the first part of this song only to drop an 20 ton brick on my head and say, “oh, hey, by the way, this girl that’s super great that I was going steady with and stuff…well, she’s actually dead. Ya. Her brother crashed in the fog and now she’s dead. But I’m cool with it now, I even wrote a song about it.” Well Scotty, I’m not cool with it. You either have a happy song or you have a sad song. You CANNOT try to have both. I am just very upset with the way this turned out in the end. And now, since she’s DEAD, I’ll never know who she is. And that’s the very worst part. You painted a terrible word picture and now I”ll never even know who she was. Not even a name.

Stupid Scotty McCreery. Stupid. I was super happy and now, well, now I’m just going to crawl into a fetal position and question my whole life. So thanks a lot Scotty.

[Disclaimer: I seem to ruffle feathers when I add my own personal comments to country songs. People are really touchy about their country music. Many were upset when I mocked the popular Little Big Town hit, Pontoon, but seriously that’s a weird song. I’m not even sorry about that. So to clarify, because apparently I need to, this is written in the tone of ‘humor’, you know, like ‘ha ha, that’s clever’ stuff like that. Also, if someone says to me, ‘maybe you should listen to the songs stupid. Then you’ll understand.” Um…I bought the whole album for 7.99 on iTunes, and while I’m not proud of this fact, I actually enjoy the thing. It makes me twitch thinking about it, but ya, I enjoy Scotty McCreery, ok, so get off my back]

iTunes, You Are A Delight

How can I be inspired if you won’t let me keep Journey?

Hi iTunes!

Amanda here! Or perhaps you know me by my username, adbadley. You probably also know that we have a fantastic relationship. I hear a song on the radio that I particularly enjoy, you are the first person I come to. I hear rumors of a new John Mayer album, you are my number one contact. What? Drake has a new single? Hello iTunes! You have music from A-Z, everything I could ever dream of, it’s right there in your library.

And you even keep my guilty pleasures a secret. No one has to know about that Bon Jovi album I purchased or that time I bought Don’t Stop Believin’ solely to inspire myself to greatness. You don’t tell anyone. And I appreciate that iTunes, I do. We have many secrets. Unfortunately that is where our great relationship ends because you have also been a source of great anger and rage in my life.

Here’s the thing. It’s cool that iPods hold the 57 days worth of music just like you, and it’s super awesome that I can carry all 57 days with me at all times in a tiny little metal box. But you know what’s not neat? When my computer dies and I can no longer sync my iPod to you. You are so very kind as to give me the option of ‘deleting all music’, but I don’t want to do that. Why would you even think I wanted to even consider that? Are you an idiot? I spent years building up my music library so as to have a song to fit every mood and every situation. If I delete all my music and start over how will the people driving next to me know that I’m feeling melancholy if I’m not blasting some Adele?

Sure you’re really great at helping the artists get their money for their music and what not, but why can’t I take the songs that are on my iPod and put them wherever I freaking want? It’s my iTunes account, it’s my iPod, it’s my computer. I should be able to do with them what I want. If I wanted to flush my iPod down the toilet I could, but if I want to sync my iPod with a new computer, no can do. Why do you do this to me? It’s like you want to hurt me.

I have a tendency to break computers and every time that happens, I have to load the songs that I have purchased onto the new computer, delete absolutely everything off of my iPod and then start from scratch. But I can only do that 5 times. Once I’ve broken 5 computer and moved to the 6th one, well I’m just flat out of luck. And what about all of those cd’s that I spent collecting throughout my junior high and high school years? Well I have to reload every single one of them to you on my new computer. I didn’t even buy those songs from you, so why can’t you transfer them, huh? Is it strictly because you want to make my life miserable? Because, let me tell you, it is working.

So I guess what I’m saying here iTunes is:

a. You’re super cool cause you have all the music I could possibly ever want to purchase.
b. It’s also super cool that I can take the music from you and put it on my iPod to allow me to carry an entire music library in my pocket.
c. Despite all your awesome qualities, I sort of hate you.
d. Why can’t I sync my iPod to whatever computer I want?
e. Is this Steve Job’s doing? I heard he was sort of jerk. It has nothing to do with copyrights does it? He probably wanted to make everyone’s life miserable just for his own joy.
f. Even though you suck and I had to delete my iPod and start completely over, I’m still not going to end my relationship with you, because I have attachment issues.

So I guess this is goodbye for now. I’ll be busy for the next 6 weeks reloading all my cd’s onto you. But don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I hear a new Jason Aldean song on the radio.

I just can’t quit you!

I’m Sorry, But Are You Singing A Song About A Pontoon?

Just yesterday I was driving to work, when suddenly the most unsettling thing happened to me.

I was minding my own business, listening to the top country hits of today on WSIX The Big 98, and then it happened. A catchy Little Big Town tune started playing. At least it seemed catchy. My head may have even begun to bop along and then the magical voices in the radio began to sing.

“Back this hitch up into the water 
Untie all the cables and rope 
Step onto the astro turf 
Get yourself a coozie 
Let’s go”

Pardon me? What hitch? I only know of one hitch and that’s a movie starring Will Smith and Kevin James. Is that what you’re talking about? It was a pretty terrible movie, so I hope not. And AstroTurf? Are we playing baseball at the Rogers Centre in Toronto? They have AstroTurf. (FYI, my computer says you are spelling astro turf wrong. It should look like this AstroTurf) Coozie? Did you really just use the phrase, “get yourself a coozie” in a song, that’s being played on the radio? What the heck am I listening to?

“Who said anything about skiin’? 
Floatin’ is all I wanna do 
You can climb the ladder 
Just don’t rock the boat while I barbecue”

Um. No one said anything about “skiin”, as you call it. We’re talking about a terrible movie about matchmaking and playing baseball in Canada. This is your song, shouldn’t you be aware of this? Idiot. And what are we floatin’ on? Turf? You can’t float on turf, it’s made of plastic. Also what ladder are you climbing? Are we floating in the air? Is this song about doing drugs?? Oh. You’re in a boat. Now it all makes sense? (nope)

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Ok, so you’re on a pontoon. Which, since I’m clearly not as country as you, I looked up and it looks something like this: So needless to say I’m having a problem with the whole “catchin’ rays up on the roof” thing. There’s no roof here. I’m really starting to think this song is about drugs. Also if I jump out of the back are you going to stop “making waves”? I don’t want to be abandoned in the middle of the lake/ocean/river/wherever you are. Sure you’re partying in slow motion, but I’m not a real strong swimmer, I probably couldn’t catch up. Ummm….you’re ending the chorus with motorboatin’? That’s a bold choice there guys.

“(Who who who)”

I don’t know. I thought it was probably you guys, who were singing the song, but now I don’t know.

“Reach your hand down into the cooler 
Don’t drink it if the mountains aren’t blue 
Try to keep it steady as you recline on your black inner-tube”

Ok. So booze seems to be playing a role in this song. That definitely makes sense. Also did you get money from whatever beer company makes those cans with the mountains that turn blue? YOu should if you didn’t. But I’m confused. When did you get into a inner-tube? And is the cooler floating? Are you still…motorboatin’?

“Pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Yep. Still motorboatin’. Good to know.

“(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

If you don’t know, I’m certain that I have no idea.

“5 mile an hour with aluminum side 
Wood panelin’ with a water slide 
Can’t beat the heat, so let’s take a ride”

Wait. Your pontoon has a water slide? And wood paneling. Hold on. Let me google.
Ok. Yep, those are a thing. You must have spent a fortune on your pontoon. And I take back my rude comment about not having a roof. This one clearly has a roof. I apologize for assuming you were an idiot.

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
I’m out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin'”

So weird.

“On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who)”

Again, if you don’t know who’s on your pontoon, I’m sure I don’t. but you should probably not let strangers onto your pontoon.

“Back this hitch out into the water 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

Aaaand, now we’re back to a terrible Kevin James movie. Kevin James. Kevin James. I said KEVIN JAMES!! (see what I did there?)

This was quite literally the most confusing 3 minutes and 40 seconds of my life. Are these rednecks? Are they country singers? Is this actually a country song? The song had nothing about heartbreak or dogs in it, so ya, not a country song. Who wrote this and who told Little Big Town it wold be a a good idea to sing this? Someone here in Nashville has dropped the ball and let this one through. I’m pretty upset about this and I’ll probably be sending a forcefully written letter to them soon to let them know my opinion on the stupidity of this song.*

So I’m just going to save you some time. Don’t buy this song on iTunes. You’ll just be left with a confused look on your face and $1.29 less than you had previously.

[Turns out they just premiered the video on people.com today. If I had seen the video first, so many of my questions could have been answered. Also that blonde lady has HUGE hair. So anyway, if you’re curious go here]

*Nope.

Taylor Swift, Why Don’t Your Songs Make Sense?

Hi there Taylor Swift!

Can I call you T. Swift? (It doesn’t matter what your response is. I’m going to do it anyway) How is it going? Just living the dream huh? Singing your country* music and traveling the world I’m sure.

You are very popular here in Nashville. I mean, REALLY popular. Every time I turn on the radio, there you are. Sitting in a restaurant you’re there. Walking through Walmart, T. Swift flowing through the air. You are everywhere. I might even say you are haunting me. Even when I don’t hear you on the radio, I hear you in my head.

DARN YOU AND YOUR CATCHY LITTLE TUNES! These songs go with me everywhere, but you know what? They don’t make sense. Any of them. Are you aware of this fact? I know you probably didn’t write them and you just sing them, but these songs have virtually no point to them. Most recently I’ve had your darling little song, “Ours” stuck in my head. And you know what, that one makes the least sense of all of them.

Allow me to expand on this thought. These are the lyrics to your song. I will explain line by line why this does not make sense. Are you ready? Good! Here goes!

“Elevator buttons in morning air [What? Elevator buttons in the air, or on an elevator? This song is already starting out a little weird]
Strangers’ silence makes me want to take the stairs [What do you want the strangers to do T. Swift? Ask you obnoxious questions? Do you really want that? I don’t think you do.]
If you were here we’d laugh about their vacant stares [That seems like a really rude thing for you to do. Why would you do that? Maybe you wouldn’t have as many haters if you didn’t laugh at strangers all the time]
But right now my time is theirs [What does that even mean? They’re strangers. Why is your time theirs? I’m confused T. Swift]

Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves
They’ll judge it like they know about me and you [Wait. Are the disapproving people the ones on the elevator? Or are these just people in general? You need to be more specific]
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do [What verdict? Are we still on an elevator? When did we move to a courtroom?]
The jury’s out, my choice is you [The jury decided your choice for you? I thought you didn’t like people judging you? The jury decided your choice was him? I don’t understand you]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [That’s a really weird way to describe someones mind]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. They don’t. People don’t throw rocks as a general rule. Do you even live in the real world with the rest of us? I never see people throwing rocks at shiny things. And what does this have to do with the jury of people who were in the elevator with vacant stares? This song is all over the place]
And life makes love look hard [Does it? I’m not sure you know what you’re saying]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough [‘Stakes are high’ sounds like a poker analogy, but ‘water’s rough’ seems like a boat analogy. Are you playing poker on a boat?]
But this love is ours [Okay, ya this makes sense. Good job on this one] 

You never know what people have up their sleeves [Usually arms. And magicians sometimes keep playing cards up there]
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me [Are these real ghosts? Or ghosts like bad decisions? If he has ghosts from his past why are you so obsessed with him. You seem to make bad choices in your love life. I mean you dated that werewolf that had the same name as you for a while. That was kind of weird]
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles [What? The ghost wear lip gloss? Wait…are these ghosts his former lovers? I think I”m catching what your throwing out now T. Swift!]
But I don’t care ’cause right now you’re mine [You can’t own people! Slavery was outlawed. Ever heard of the emancipation proclamation? LOOK IT UP WEIRDO]

And you’ll say
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [So now your mind is pretty? You guys are a bunch of weirdos]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. THEY DON’T]
And life makes love look hard [I still don’t think I agree with you here]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Still on that boat ‘eh?]
But this love is ours [Alright. I won’t take your love away]

And it’s not theirs to speculate [What’s not theirs? And who are they? Why are your songs so nondescript?]
If it’s wrong and [Oh. Okay. If your love is wrong is what’s not theirs to speculate. GOT IT!]
Your hands are tough [Get him some hand lotion. Problem solved]
But they are where mine belong and [Where your what belongs? Your hands? Weird] I’ll fight that doubt and give you faith
With this song for you [OOOHHHHH…..the song makes you feel better about your relationship. That makes so much more sense. (no it doesn’t)]

‘Cause I love the gap between your teeth [Michael Strahan?]
And I love the riddles that you speak [Jim Carrey as the Riddler? You are not describing this boy as very appealing]
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored [The remarks might be necessary if the guy only speaks in riddles. That’s a weird thing to do]
‘Cause my heart is yours [Literally? Good to know you’re an organ donor]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [Weird]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Nope]
And life makes love look hard [It does not]
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [You just said this]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Stop repeating yourself. They don’t do this!] But they can’t take what’s ours [This is true. That would be a felony]
They can’t take what’s ours [I said I agree. Why did you say it again?]

The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Poker on a boat is you guys’ thing huh?]
But this love is ours [That’s nice]”

[Wait. That’s how the song ends? Did you marry the boy with the tooth gap and tattoos? And what was the shiny thing people were throwing rocks at? What were the stakes? Did the water every calm down? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING HERE TAYLOR!! There is absolutely no closure here. Why are you this way? Ugh.]

And why is your guitar so freaking sparkly/shiny? I hope no one throws rocks at it.

See T. Swift? See? That song had no ending. I don’t know if the people throwing rocks broke the shiny thing. I don’t know if you and the riddler ended up together. I don’t know anything. All you really did was open up more mystery and questions for me. I dont’ like that. I like songs with distinct happy endings. Or even sad endings. As long as there is an ending I’m good. But your songs don’t have endings. And I am not okay with this. Work on that T. Swift. Give your songs closure and then maybe when they’re stuck in my head I won’t feel as if I would rather stab a q-tip into my ear than hear the song again. That’s what we all want anyway. For me to be happy.

 
*I’m not entirely sure why your music is considered country, other than all you sing about is love and heartbreak

I’m A Chevy Cobalt Superstar!

I don’t know if you guys know this about me or not, but I’m a really talented singer. And I mean really, really talented. I’m like Adele. Except I don’t have the heartbreak and I’m not scorned by a lover, but I sound like her. Almost exactly.

Today I did my best rendition of “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry. Let me tell you, I SANG that sucker. And I sounded REALLY GOOD. And just the other day, I was channeling my inner Underwood and belting out Cowboy Casanova. I was rocking that one too.

I’m not normally one to toot my own horn, but ‘toot toot’, I’m a pretty phenomenal singer. I can carry a tune in a bucket AND out of a bucket. (I’m not really sure what I mean by that, but go with me here) It could be the Nashville music scene is sinking into my pores and making me great, or maybe it’s just my natural talent, but I’m really good you guys. I can’t wait to be discovered and get a record contract. Then you all can say you knew me when.

Unfortunately there is a problem. You see, I don’t sing where people can hear me. I only sing in my car. And only when I’m alone in my car. No one will ever know the talent I possess. Unless I sing loud enough that the people in the cars next to me can hear…that would be embarrassing, I hope that doesn’t happen. Although I’m pretty sure they can see me singing…maybe I should reconsider my car singing career. But then I would never get any better. It’s a real dilemma I have here.

I’m very shy so I don’t want anyone to know how great I truly am, musically. But my car, oh the stories he could tell you (His name is Kyle, after the salesman who sold it to me. Naming my car after the salesman is not weird…you’re weird). If he was like Kit from Knight Rider, we’d be good and he could tell everyone how great I am, but alas, he doesn’t speak. (PS. why don’t cars speak yet, this is the 21st century). But I don’t like all the attention on me and if everyone knew how fantastic I was, they would never leave me alone. I don’t want young men throwing themselves at me*. No thank you! I guess I’m stuck with no one ever knowing the true talent I have.

I’ll just have to settle for being a Chevy Cobalt superstar for now. I’ll keep singing to Kyle until he learns how to talk. Then he’ll start blabbing to everyone about how talented I am and I will catch my big break. It might be a few years, because who knows when my car will become self-sufficient and develop the ability to speak, but that day is coming. It is coming. I will be the next Adele. Just you wait!

*Yes I do. I need a husband.

[Editors note: Amanda is actually a really terrible singer. That’s why she’s only allowed to sing in her car. Something about the acoustics inside Kyle, however, make her think she sounds good there and only there. Just leave her alone okay? let her have this little joy in life of thinking she’s good at singing in her car. Leave her alone you bullies!]

[2nd Editors note: Amanda is the editor. She’s kind of a moron. And she thinks she’s funny. She’s also the only one who thinks this. Please forgive her/me for this post. As long as Amanda entertains herself we consider it a successful day.]