Birds are for the Birds


Birds. What the heck is up with birds?

I realize that our nation’s symbol is the majestic bald eagle and such, but I’m not okay with them. (also let’s not forget our nations bird was almost a turkey…so that’s weird) Sure, birds look awesome soaring through the sky. They’re so beautiful and graceful. Yada yada yada. No. They’re creepy and disgusting and I don’t care for them.

Allow me to explain myself.

They Fly
What’s that about? How do they do that? I’ve flapped my arms really hard at times, and have never taken off into the air to soar amongst the clouds. Not even once. I even tried it while wearing extremely large sleeves so as to catch air beneath them and still nothing*. I can’t fly. Birds should not be able to do things I cannot do. Sometimes they even fly into windows. That’s just plain stupidity. Dumb birds.

They Walk??
Birds have this fantastic ability to fly, and yet I see them walking all over the place. Why would they do that? If I could fly, I would not be walking anywhere ever. What are they trying to do with that? Are they trying to show off to the other birds? “Oh hey look at me, I’m walking and your stuck up there flying! Ha ha.” Um not impressed birds. I can walk. More impressive when you fly. Morons.

They’re Related to Dinosaurs
I’ve seen Jurassic Park. I don’t want dinosaurs roaming this earth. That t-rex ate Newman right off the toilet. Just ate him right up. I’m not okay with living my life trying to keep from being eaten as I use the restroom. Get out of here, dinosaur-birds.

They Pop Out at Random Times
One time at the zoo a tiny little chicken walked out of a bush at me. And I mean AT me. That thing was out for blood. Why did that tiny chicken do that to me? Well because he was a bird. And birds are terrible. Also they’re always flying in front of my car like they want to die. With me being the kind animal lover that I am, I do my best to avoid hitting them. And then what do these birds do? They fly out of the way as I’m swerving to my death trying to keep from killing them. They’re trying to cause me to crash and I know it. Why are they always popping out at me? I will never purchase a cuckoo clock. Never.

They Poop Everywhere
After I save their lives and don’t run them over in my car…they thank me by pooping right in the middle of my windshield. Stupid, stupid birds.

They Carry Disease
Bird flu? Ever heard of it? I have, and I don’t want it. I don’t want a disease from a bird. “How did Amanda die again? Oh she touched a bird and got the flu. What a terrible way to go.” I’m not letting a bird take me down. Not now, not ever.

Go ahead and try to convince me that there are good qualities about birds. I’m not buying it. Birds are the worst. And that’s why I will never visit Sesame Street, where the biggest bird of all lives. Can you imagine the mess he’d make on my windshield??

*Not a true story. I might try it tomorrow though.