The Truth About Women (You’re Welcome Guys)

Females are complex creatures. We do many strange things that the male race does not understand. In fact sometimes I don’t even understand the things we do. But nonetheless these things are done without fail. In an effort to dispel some of the rumors and confusion I thought I would do my best to answer/solve the many mysteries of women.

I did a poll of random men* on the street to find out the most confusing aspects of female-dom. And these are the question that I received:

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Why do women take so long to get ready?
Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Why do you need so many shoes?
Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?
You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
6 inch heels? What the heck?
Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?
Why is your purse so heavy?
Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
Why do women shave their legs?
Why do women have periods?
Do women like facial hair?
Are women crazy?

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Simple. We don’t want to be murdered. If you go to the bathroom alone and there’s a murderer hiding in one of the stalls, BAM, your done-zo. If you go with 3-4 others you’re good. That’s too many people to murder without someone noticing. Plus if you don’t know where the bathroom is in a restaurant it’s a lot better to wander around aimlessly with someone else rather than alone.

Why do women take so long to get ready?
Because we can. The end.

Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
Well, because we value our eyesight. One rogue mascara brush to the retina and you’re out of the game for days. It’s a known fact that unless you also open your mouth the eyes are not capable of fully opening.

What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
…..ya, I don’t know.

Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Because that bald-headed man is terrifying. Plus the air filter looked kind of dirty. So ya, sure change that sucker.

Why do you need so many shoes?
C’mon. Really? You can’t wear tennis shoes with skinny jeans and you can’t wear boots with sweat pants. A girl needs options. And perhaps 95% of the shoes don’t get worn, big deal. Someday I WILL need those whale print rain boots. You don’t know.

Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?
Yes.

You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Um, because it fits. If you find something that works, you get ALL of them.

Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
Yes. I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could do it, but I don’t want to try. Go ahead buddy. Save the day.

6 inch heels? What the heck?
That’s just Lady Gaga. We don’t claim her as one of us.

Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?
Um….yes.

Why is your purse so heavy?
You do not need to know. It’s women stuff. Plus if you knew the real reason you’d probably regret asking.

Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
That’s a fair question….I don’t know the answer.

Why do women shave their legs?
Um…pretty sure that’s your fault guys. I know for a fact I don’t do it because I enjoy it. Someone, somewhere (most likely a man) decided women were infinitely more gorgeous with smooth shiny legs. I hate that person.

Why do women have periods?
……….Go back to 5th grade health class. Ok bye!

Do women like facial hair?
Absolutely! As long as it well-kept. No ZZ-Top beards or any kind of mustaches. We find those terrifying.

Are women crazy?
Asking that question is a sure-fire way to find out the answer.

There you go fellas. The answers to all the questions you’ve ever had about women. Now you know every thing about us and what makes us tick. You will never be confused by our actions ever again.** You are very welcome.

 

 

*False. I typed in ‘why do women…’ on google and took the top things that popped up. Also I made up the other 98%.
**Nope.

Hey Fellas! I’m A Real Catch!

Confession: I do stupid things all the time without even trying. I’m just really good at being awkward and ridiculous. Today this delightful quality of mine reached a new level of stupidity. And because I am who I am I’d like to share it with you. Clearly I’m not ashamed of myself.

Join me, as we venture into my head and experience this lovely time I had through my eyes. If you don’t think you’re ready to enter my head I suggest you stop reading now. (Also if you aren’t ready to enter my head you should probably never read this blog. Just a FYI)

A little background before we begin: everyday when I return to work from my lunch break I use the restroom. Even if I don’t have to, I go because that’s who I am. I do the same thing everyday just because I am Amanda.

We’ll start our journey here as I enter the building:

I’m a little early to clock back in so I’ll just go to the bathroom.

This is how I justify doing the exact same thing everyday. I’m not fooling anyone though. I’m insane

Oh. There’s the cook lady who likes to pat my back. I don’t care for that but I’ll smile and nod at her as I walk by. Hey cook lady! Don’t touch me! Also, why does she wear that strange hat? Probably so she doesn’t get hair in the sandwiches that the children eat everyday. Oh well. To the restroom I go. 

I need to put my water bottle somewhere. Should I set it on this bench outside of the bathroom. Nah. I’ll just take it in the bathroom and set it on the counter. No one will touch it because no one will even be in there. Oh shoot. It sounds like someone is in there. Eh. If they see me set my bottle down they won’t touch it. I wonder who’s in there anyways?

Oh I think it’s someone fixing the soap dispenser that keeps falling off the wall. It’s about time. That thing’s annoying! Probably it’s my boss. It’ll be kinda weird using the bathroom while she’s in there fixing that but I’ll make do. It’ll be fine.

At this point I cross the threshold of the bathroom.

OH CRAP. THAT’S A MAN. THAT IS A MAN FIXING THE SOAP DISPENSER. THERE IS A MAN IN THE GIRL’S BATHROOM.

I can’t turn around now. He’s already seen me. He’ll think it’s weird if I see him and turn around immediately (He would not have)

I’ll just walk on in there and pretend I’m doing something important. (This was the wrong decision)

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP. Now I’m all the way in the bathroom. What do I do now? Ummmmmmmm……crap crap crap crap. Just keep walking Amanda. Don’t look at him. Wait. Why do I keep walking towards the stalls. I’m not really going to pee with him in here am I? How am I gonna play this off? Oh man. Now he thinks I’m disgusting!!

Then the man interrupted my panicked thoughts by asking/shouting, “Do you need me to step out for a second?” In other words, “Is this moron really going to go pee while I’m in here? Are you serious? What kind of idiot is this girl? Did she not see me here? What a moron.”

Oh shoot! What do I say. I don’t want to say yes. That’d be weird. Ummm…I’ve got it:

“NOPE. You’re fine. I just need to blow my nose.”

Blow my nose?? What the heck? I don’t need to blow my nose. Oh shoot. Now I have to blow my nose. And why didn’t I say something grown-up like, “Nope. Just getting a tissue.” I have to blow my nose?? What am I? 5? Crap. Well guess I’ll just walk into this stall and get some toilet paper….because that’s how grown-ups ‘blow their noses’, I guess. 

Yep. There’s nothing coming out my nose. This guy knows I’m bluffing. I didn’t need to blow my nose. I have got to get out of here. This is just ridiculous now. Ok. Well, guess I’ll just walk on by him now. Ok. Here I go. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. See ya later soap dispenser repair man guy. Made it!! My gosh. What is wrong with me? How much more awkward could a person get? Oh man….I still need to pee.

Literally this whole thing took place in a time frame of about 45 seconds. It felt like many, many more. Why I didn’t just turn around and leave as soon as I saw someone in the bathroom, I do not know. And what was I going to do if I made it all the way to a stall without the guy saying anything? I don’t know, surely I wasn’t going to use it. But who knows. All I know is that afterwards I proceeded to enter the men’s restroom…and use it. Because I am a moron.

So I guess what I’m getting at is that I played that whole thing of really smooth. (No I didn’t)

There’s no way that guy thought I was a moron. (Yes there is)

I’m not sure how I don’t have a husband yet because I’m a super great catch. (That’s questionable)
I mean, if my life were a chick flick I would probably have fallen in love with that repair man. We would be frolicking about downtown Nashville right this second. But since my life is not a Hollywood movie, I’m sitting on the couch watching How I Met Your Mother and replaying this same scenario over and over in my head, questioning why I allowed it to play out the way it did. And I keep coming to the same conclusion: because I’m Amanda. I’m an idiot.

And since I can’t escape myself I’ll just hope some man find my awkwardness endearing and falls in love with me, but I’m sure it’s not going to be that soap dispenser guy. Pretty positive he think’s I’m an idiot.