Freaking Angry Birds. Stop Ruining Our Nation

Let’s get real guys. America is a really weird place. We put sweaters on our pets, watch the Kardashian’s do absolutely nothing for hours upon hours, do the cha-cha slide and most of all, we fling stupid looking birds at round, green pigs.

Imagine if you were trying to explain the game Angry Birds to someone who had no idea what it was:

Angry Birds

Angry Birds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“What’s that game?”
“Oh. It’s Angry Birds.”
“What’s the point?”
“I’m trying to kill all those pigs because they took my eggs.”
“Those don’t look like birds….that one is triangular-shaped and that other one looks like a bomb.”
“Well, that’s because the bomb one explodes and blows up those wooden block and the triangle one can plow through the wood block.”
“But why do they need to?”
“To kill the pigs.”
“Those don’t look like pigs. Where are their legs?”
“I don’t know, I guess they’re obese and you can’t see their legs anymore.”
“But why are you trying to kill them?”
“Because they stole the bird eggs.”
“To do what with them?”
“Eat them I guess.”
“Pigs don’t eat eggs….”
“These do.”
“Why does killing the pigs get the eggs back? And why are they balanced so precariously on cliffs and blocks?”
“It just does. And because they hide the eggs there to keep the birds from getting them back.”
“Why do you have to use a slingshot? Don’t birds know how to fly?”
“Not these ones. They have tiny wings.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. They just do.”
“This game is stupid….why are they in space now?”
“Oh. This is the new game Angry Birds Space.”
“……..”
“Leave me alone. I’m learning physics and the value of perseverance.”
“Sure….What are those stars for?”
“You get stars when you win.
“For what?”
“Just for winning.”
“How do you get 3 stars?”
“By getting a really high score.”
“How do you get a high score?”
“You have to kill all the pigs with as few birds as possible. Then you win.”
“……”

Seriously though guys. Why am I so obsessed with this game? It’s the world’s most ridiculous game and I can’t stop playing. I’ve spent approximately all day long, playing the same levels over and over trying to get all 3 stars. I have a problem. And apparently so does the rest of the world as it’s always the number one downloaded game in the app store. It’s a brain numbing game and we’re all playing it. We’re slowly getting dumber as a nation and this game is at fault. Kids aren’t studying anymore, they’re playing Angry Birds. College students aren’t going to class…because they’re playing angry birds. And numerous grown adults are missing work because, you guessed it, those darn Angry Birds. It’s no wonder we have a terrible economy. We can’t stop flinging birds at round green pigs. We’re all going to turn into bloated parodies of ourselves while we sit and stare at our smart phones for hours on end and not a single one of us cares. Because it has sucked us in and we can’t stop. Ever.

But I don’t really care. I’m not going to stop until I get 3 stars on every level, I’m not. Because I am part of the Angry Birds problem.

Help. Me.

Birds are for the Birds


Birds. What the heck is up with birds?

I realize that our nation’s symbol is the majestic bald eagle and such, but I’m not okay with them. (also let’s not forget our nations bird was almost a turkey…so that’s weird) Sure, birds look awesome soaring through the sky. They’re so beautiful and graceful. Yada yada yada. No. They’re creepy and disgusting and I don’t care for them.

Allow me to explain myself.

They Fly
What’s that about? How do they do that? I’ve flapped my arms really hard at times, and have never taken off into the air to soar amongst the clouds. Not even once. I even tried it while wearing extremely large sleeves so as to catch air beneath them and still nothing*. I can’t fly. Birds should not be able to do things I cannot do. Sometimes they even fly into windows. That’s just plain stupidity. Dumb birds.

They Walk??
Birds have this fantastic ability to fly, and yet I see them walking all over the place. Why would they do that? If I could fly, I would not be walking anywhere ever. What are they trying to do with that? Are they trying to show off to the other birds? “Oh hey look at me, I’m walking and your stuck up there flying! Ha ha.” Um not impressed birds. I can walk. More impressive when you fly. Morons.

They’re Related to Dinosaurs
I’ve seen Jurassic Park. I don’t want dinosaurs roaming this earth. That t-rex ate Newman right off the toilet. Just ate him right up. I’m not okay with living my life trying to keep from being eaten as I use the restroom. Get out of here, dinosaur-birds.

They Pop Out at Random Times
One time at the zoo a tiny little chicken walked out of a bush at me. And I mean AT me. That thing was out for blood. Why did that tiny chicken do that to me? Well because he was a bird. And birds are terrible. Also they’re always flying in front of my car like they want to die. With me being the kind animal lover that I am, I do my best to avoid hitting them. And then what do these birds do? They fly out of the way as I’m swerving to my death trying to keep from killing them. They’re trying to cause me to crash and I know it. Why are they always popping out at me? I will never purchase a cuckoo clock. Never.

They Poop Everywhere
After I save their lives and don’t run them over in my car…they thank me by pooping right in the middle of my windshield. Stupid, stupid birds.

They Carry Disease
Bird flu? Ever heard of it? I have, and I don’t want it. I don’t want a disease from a bird. “How did Amanda die again? Oh she touched a bird and got the flu. What a terrible way to go.” I’m not letting a bird take me down. Not now, not ever.

Go ahead and try to convince me that there are good qualities about birds. I’m not buying it. Birds are the worst. And that’s why I will never visit Sesame Street, where the biggest bird of all lives. Can you imagine the mess he’d make on my windshield??

*Not a true story. I might try it tomorrow though.

5 Mysteries in Life

The Bachelor:

SERIOUSLY? Why? How is it EVER a good idea to take 20 women and place them in a house together. That alone is a terrible idea. 20 people in a house trying to live together. Are you kidding me? I lived in a suite in college with 5 other people and that was the most terrifying year of my life. There was hair everywhere. Not my hair. STRANGER HAIR. There’s nothing worse than taking a nice relaxing shower, you turn your head and there it is, a nice, big glob of stranger hair staring you in the eye. Now imagine 19 other heads. I shudder just imaging all the stranger hair. NASTY. Not only are these people sharing a living space, but they’re sharing a SIGNIFICANT OTHER. OK? THEY’RE ALL MAKING OUT WITH ONE PERSON. This is not a normal social activity you guys. We typically refer to a person who makes out with 20 people in a short amount of time, as ‘loose’. Let’s focus on this for a second. You’re watching a man make kissy face with at least 20 people on every episode*. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. And we expect these relationships to last? ARE YOU SERIOUS? UMMM….NO. That’s all I can say, just NO.

*This is an exaggeration….I hope
Whistling:

This seems like a strange thing to be confusing to me, no? WRONG. I cannot whistle. I don’t get it. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE WHISTLE. Many have tried to teach me, “Amanda, just purse your lips and blow lightly”, “Amanda, blow between your teeth.” “Amanda, breathe in” “Amanda, you can’t do normal human activities, what is wrong with you?” I CANNOT DO IT. I have a request. STOP TRYING TO TEACH ME. I’m obviously unteachable. I’ve gone 22 years without possessing this ability. Why do you think I’ll suddenly be able to whistle now? Just as you can’t find love on the Bachelor/ette you can’t teach an Amanda to whistle. Her lips do not work that way apparently. I also have another request. STOP WHISTLING. It’s the most annoying thing in the world, you whistlers. No one really enjoys hearing you whistle, particularly people who can’t whistle. STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will never be able to do it, so leave me alone.

what a showoff

Bare Feet:

I don’t expect anyone to agree with me on this one, but HOW DO ALL YOU PEOPLE WALK AROUND WITH BARE FEET?? I can’t handle it. I don’t want my feet touching nasty things on the floor. EWW! I don’t want my feet touching each other because, GROSS! And I certainly don’t want my feet touching someone else’s feet, JUST GO AHEAD AND KILL ME IF THAT HAPPENS. I realize this is a really weird trait for me to possess. And I realize it’s weird to wear socks during the dog days of summer. But you know what? I don’t care. You’re feet are disgusting. And you make people look at them all. day. long. with your flip-flops and toe rings. SO GROSS. It’s probably in my best interest that I have no marriage prospects, solely because of this endearing little quality. Can you imagine my wedding night?? “Oh ya, about that honey, I wear socks. All the time. Even when I’m sleeping.” Immediate deal-breaker. Whatever. Judge me if you will, I’m ok with me.

VOMIT

Sudoku:

Ya, whatever. “It helps my brain”….”it makes me smarter”…”I won’t get Alzheimer’s”. I don’t care. IT’S A BUNCH OF NUMBERS IN BOXES. I don’t have the patience for such shenanigans. Give me a word search, a cross word, something with, I don’t know, WORDS! I’ve tried this ‘Sudoku’ stuff. I just don’t get it. I mean I get how it works, I just don’t GET IT. How is this enjoyable to someone? It seems too much like math homework to me. “Oh hey, you have a 2, 3, 6, 9 in this row and a 4, 7, 3 in this row” UM no. I’m not going to figure that out. So keep your Sudoku’s to yourself and give me a dot to dot. You get a picture at the end of that instead of a box filled with numbers.

Bird Mating:

I really don’t feel like I need to explain myself on this one. I’ve thought about this many times and I will never understand. If someone out there happens to be an expert in birds, PLEASE, I’m begging you, tell me how birds mate and make little baby birds. I grew up in the city. I’m still trying to get over the fact that APPARENTLY all bulls don’t have horns. (Ya, I KNOW! Cartoons are a lie.) I will never understand birds. How do they fly? Why is the one outside my window so loud? How do eggs come out of them? SERIOUSLY. WHY ARE BIRDS SO CONFUSING?? Are there any colleges that offer courses in birds? I need to go to them if there are.

Why are you such a confusing creature little bird?

So…there’s that. If you think I should be institutionalized after reading this, I’m sure you’re not alone in that. But, you know. Whatever.