Hold The Phone! I’m a Girl AND I like Hockey?

Sergei Kostitsyn, you are my favorite Belarusian.

First let me start out by saying, I haven’t always been the biggest sports fan. I would go to the occasional baseball or basketball games, but I didn’t really follow anything closely enough that you could call me a die-hard fan. That is until I discovered hockey.

One taste of hockey and I was hooked. I don’t know if it was the speed at which the game progressed at, or the possibility of Jordin Tootoo punching the poo out of someone, but I got sucked in. Normally in a sports type setting I people watch. I enjoy watching the people around to see how stupid they can actually be. But not at hockey games. I was actually watching the game. I found myself getting angry when someone would walk in front of the action. I made passive aggressive comments about the people who would walk in front of me. I never did this at baseball games. Something weird was happening. I liked this sport, actually I didn’t just like it, I LOVED it.

Ask me any question about the Predators, I can probably answer it. I got sucked into this sport and I did as much possible research as I could. Some might say I’m out of control. I don’t see it that way. I just didn’t want to be ignorant person asking questions about what the round black thing on the ice was. I wanted to know what was happening. I looked up the rules and all the ways you can get penalties. I read statistics on a daily basis. Turns out I have actually become incredibly knowledgeable on the subject. I’m still trying to figure out how this happened to me, but it did and I’m done questioning. I’ve finally found a sport that speaks to me and I love it.

All this being said, I’m afraid with all my talk of marrying Shea Weber or Colin Wilson I’ve given the world the impression that I only enjoy hockey for the looking at of the players. Sure I won’t deny some of the hockey players are attractive, particularly the Europeans and if one proposed to me I would not say no, but that’s not why I watch hockey. I actually LIKE the sport. I don’t spend my money on tickets and jerseys just in hopes that some player will see me in the crowd and want to be my forever love. And I haven’t made a day-glo colored sign proposing to anyone either*. (in fact the girls who make signs and wear pink jerseys concern me. Why are you wasting your money on tickets to something you don’t understand? Well, I know why, but seriously? Do you really think that’s going to work out for you? I don’t)

I recorded the Penguins/Bruins game today. Why did I do this? Because I love Marc Andre Fleury and Milan Lucic? No. While I find both of them to be very talented hockey players, I did it for the sole reason of wanting to watch it, because I enjoy watching hockey. Because I like the sport. And not just the athletes.

It’s weird right? A girl, who likes sports, and NOT just because she finds the players attractive? WHAT?? That’s crazy talk. Girls can’t like hockey. They only like hockey because they think that Sidney Crosby is dreamy and they want to go necking with Claude Giroux.

False. Girls can like hockey. And I do. You can’t stop me. I will wear my jersey to games. (if I was looking for love at a hockey game do you REALLY think I would wear a jersey? The things are not flattering!) I will mock the person behind me who says Paul Goose-Todd came from the Montreal Canadiens and I will scoff at the man next to me who Wikipedias the Kostitsyn brothers**. It’s just going to happen. Sorry, but I’m a girl and I like hockey. And if you’re a man who tries to spit stats that aren’t true, I’m probably going to consider punching you***.

I actually really like the game and I am not just a puck bunny thank you very much!****

 

*Ok. I made one for Brandon Yip in this post, but it was purely for ironic purposes. I threw it away immediately and DID NOT take it to a game.
**Really? The Kostitsyns? They’re only my favs. Don’t Wikipedia them next to me. I will want to punch you. Also Paul GAUSTAD came from the Buffalo Sabres. Moron.
***Hey buddy. Nick Spaling is the player who the Preds are 13-0-1 when he scores. Not Mike Fisher. Come on! Don’t be spitting lies!
****Puck bunny: a young female hockey fan, especially one motivated more by a desire to meet the players than by an interest in hockey. NOT Amanda.

Things I Wish I’d Learned Before the Age of 22

As children we are fed many lies. Mostly lies to make us behave or to trick us into learning new information. I smack myself in the head a lot because I spent so much of my young life learning or working towards certain things that no longer serve any purpose in my life. If someone had told me as a child that 90% of what I was focused on then would no longer matter now, I could have saved myself hours of blood, sweat and tears. That’s why I have compiled this list. So hopefully I can help someone out and they won’t feel as stupid at the age of 22 for not realizing these things sooner.

I won’t use algebra all the time, in fact I never use it.
Teachers tried to convince me I’ll need simple algebra for everything from figuring tips to deciding how much paint it will take to paint a room. Not true. At all. I never use algebra. Ever. For many reason. First I work with 3 year olds, the most math I do is counting to 30. Don’t need algebra for that. Second, I have a calculator. That can figure tips and keep track of my grocery purchases. And third, there aren’t x’s and y’s just sitting around waiting to be solved. There just aren’t. Essentially, if you’re not a mathematician, you won’t need algebra.

I will not HAVE to use cursive in high school.
My third grade teacher taught us to write in cursive with the threat that when we got to junior high and high school we would only be allowed to write in cursive. False. I have not written in cursive since the third grade. She lied to us. And now I possess a useless life skill that I utilize zero percent of the time.

Beanie Babies won’t stay cool forever.
Between the ages of 6 and 12, I wasted most of my hard-earned cash on animal shaped bean bags. I vacuumed many floors and put away infinite clean dishwasher loads in order to earn money for those darn things. I spent hours hunting down a rare bunny while on vacation in Canada because it was selling for $500. I wasn’t going to sell it, why did I do that? Because they were AWESOME. My mother tried to buy me fake beanie babies so I could be as cool as all the kids at school. Nope. They had to have that little heart tag in order for you to gain acceptance. I collected at least 50. (which I realize is not as many as most crazy people, but I didn’t have a real career to support my habit. If beanie babies were still cool I’d probably spend WAY too much money on them) And now I have none. I rid myself of all the bean bag animals. Because they were pointless. (Also it’s weird for a 22-year-old to have that many toys just hanging around) I wish I had all those $7 dollar bags o’ beans back. I might be a hundred-aire by now.

Romantic comedies are not realistic.
I have dropped things in public plenty of times. Not once has some handsome stranger come up to me to help me pick up my items. Nor has a handsome stranger caught my eye contact, immediately fell in love with and begin courting me. No mishaps occurred that made myself and this handsome stranger part ways for a few weeks only to have the handsome stranger, who is no longer a stranger, but the love of my life, sing me an off-key song in a smokey bar to win my heart back. This has never happened. And I’m beginning to think it will never happen. Also most men do not look like Orlando Bloom. What a hoax Hollywood. I want my money and my heart back. I’ve wasted hours of my life waiting for such a scenario to happen and nothing. I’m super mad about this.

If I want a husband, all I need is a sign at a sporting event.
I don’t know why no one told me this sooner. I’ve spent years trying to have endearing qualities and a nice personality, while at every sporting event numerous girls are holding up signs proposing marriage to young male athletes. Obviously the success rate on this method has to be pretty high, why would so many people do it if it didn’t work? I don’t know why I’ve been trying so hard to be desirable to men. All I need is a sign and a nice smile, then BAM! Husband. And that’s why I’ve made this sign to take to Brandon Yip and after tomorrow night I will be Mrs. Yip!*

 

I hope that this list has saved many from learning useless skills and focusing too much energy on stupid collections/gaining a husband. If I can offer one service to the world, I hope it is through this. Good luck! And stop practicing your cursive! No one uses that, in fact no one can even read it!

 

*Amanda is not really taking that sign to a Predators game. She’s not that desperate. Also she realizes that the signs don’t accomplish anything. ‘Yip-Check’ is a trademarked term by Amanda. Okay, so it’s not really trademarked, but she said it once and thinks she’s really clever because he checks people in hockey all the time. If Amanda were to make a sign for real it would not be for Brandon Yip, but she doesn’t have clever name puns for any other players.