Sidney Crosby! What Will You Do With All Your Free Time?

[Disclaimer: This is about hockey….again. I’m so sorry. I have a serious issue. If you hate hockey, I apologize, but hey look on the bright side, hockey will be over in June and then we can focus on the Olympics.]

Hey there Sid.

Why do you look so sad? This doesn’t have anything to do with you and your Penguins not advancing to the second round of the NHL playoffs does it?

It does?

You’re kinda bummed about it?

Really bummed actually?

You really, really hate the Flyers now?

Well, to be fair Sid, you’ve only beat them in your brand spankin’ new Consol Energy Center like twice. Ever. That’s a pretty terrible statistic. You should be good at winning at home. Most teams are. However you guys seem to choke at home. Why do you do that? What is wrong with you?

Although you are really good at beating teams that aren’t the Flyers, so that’s neat. You even beat my Nashville Predators. BTW: I’m still a little PO’d about that SIDNEY. Why’d ya do that??

I seem to have digressed a little though. We’re focusing on the fact that you lost in the first round of the playoffs, crushing my dreams of a Predators – Penguins championship. But who needs a 2nd Stanley Cup victory anyways? That’s just selfish of you to not share that joy with the other 29 teams.

So chin up grumpy gills!! You have so much more free time now, with all that pesky hockey out of the way. You can do so many activities!

Because I like you, I’ve taken the time to come up with some suggestions as to how you can spend your summer now that hockey is no longer an option. You’re very welcome.

Go to the zoo. Look at the real penguins. They’re super precious and they’ll make you forget all your woes of being a loser. (not a loser at life, just hockey)

Become a weather man. You have a weatherman face. I can’t explain it. It could be your nose, I don’t know. You just look like a weatherman to me. Plus, you’ve already got the wardrobe for it.
Take anger management classes. Then you won’t want to fight Claude Giroux next season. My poor little heart can’t handle it when you two fight. I love you both too much.

Buy a goat. Name it Sidney Jr. and call it Sid the Kid for short. HILARIOUS! (Get it Sid. Baby goats are called kids. People call you Sid the kid. I’m the best aren’t I?)

Come visit me! We’ll do lunch. What do you like? Chicken? I can cook chicken. That’s pretty much it though. And hot pockets. I can cook hot pockets.

Take up the guitar. Girls love a dude who can play guitar. They also love a dude who plays hockey. A hockey player who plays guitar? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YES PLEASE!

Cry. Just let it all out Sid. No one will know, plus everyone who hates you already calls you Cindy Crysby. (People are not very clever apparently) Just let the tears flow. Once they do you can let go of your depression from losing and move on. I won’t tell anyone that you cried.

Come visit me again. I cannot stress this enough. You should come visit me. I am a good time. Plus I live in Nashville. We’ve got lots of guitars here. You could knock out that learn to play guitar thing as well.

Write an apology letter to Claude Giroux and Jakub Voracek. You were very rude to them. If you need a refresher, go here to our previous conversation: Sid, are you a child?

And finally, again, I cannot stress this one enough. Come and visit me. We’ll hang. And you know, if we fell in love and got married that’d be cool too. Then you can support me with your millions and I can sit at home and watch hockey for the rest of my life. Plus we could also go to some hockey games while you’re here, because the Nashville Predators are still in the playoffs. They don’t suck.

You just let me know whenever you want to come visit me. My schedule is pretty open.*

*This is because all I do is watch hockey and write letters to people who will never, ever see them. I’m insane aren’t I?

Amanda’s Guide to Playoff Hockey

I talk about hockey a lot, it’s kind of my thing. But let’s be real, I don’t have a lot going for me right now, so pretty much the NHL Playoffs are all I have. It’s cool though guys. Don’t worry about me. I’m not a sad sack or anything.*

But it also occurs to me that most people do not care nearly as much as I do. But I’d like everyone to because then I wouldn’t be alone in my excitement. So in an effort to bring all of you over to my side I’ve prepared this handy guide to the NHL playoffs. Just follow along and you’ll go far.

Amanda’s Simple Guide to the Stanley Cup Playoffs

You are allowed allegiance to one Western conference team and one Eastern conference team. Example: Amanda’s Western Conference Team: Nashville Predators. Amanda’s Eastern Conference Team: Pittsburgh Penguins

It is perfectly okay for all productive activities in your life to cease during the playoffs. The NHL wants you watch all the games. That’s why the show them all on tv. You don’t even have to feel like a slug for never leaving your couch. It’s totally cool.

If the hockey gods are against you and your chosen teams gets knocked out of the playoffs you are allowed to choose a replacement to fill the void. Example: Amanda’s Western conference second choice: Phoenix Coyotes. Eastern conference: Florida Panthers. Although I do not plan on needing to utilize my second choices.

If you enjoy a player on an opposing team you are not allowed to verbally admit it. Example: Claude Giroux is really great and has a red beard, but he plays for the Flyers. I cannot admit I like him because I want the Penguins to win, therefore Claude is the enemy.

While playoff beards can occasionally become disgusting we are not allowed to complain about them. They provide some sort of magical powers. Example: Kevin Klein. Dude had exactly 4 goals in 66 regular season games. He now has 2 goals in 5 playoff games. Fluke? No. Playoff beard power? Absolutely.

That’s some serious beard power

If you go to the bathroom while the puck is in play, someone will score. This is a fact proven by me. So don’t go to the bathroom, unless you like missing out on game changing moments.

It’s perfectly natural to jump around and celebrate a game winning shot even if you are alone in your living room with only a dog. Not that I’ve ever done this. That would be super weird.**

Despite the fact that Sidney Crosby‘s lips look plump enough to use as a pillow for sleeping, don’t say it out loud. Especially around males. They will think you are crazy. Again, I’ve never done this.***

Seriously, those things are plump

If you spend your hard-earned cash on playoff tickets, your team will lose that game. So that sucks, but you’ll probably still spend your money anyway just for a chance at a taste of that playoff atmosphere.

Goaltenders are weird. They just are. Don’t blame losses on them. They will take it super personally and proceed to lose 3 games in a row. Example: Marc Andre-Fleury‘s super choke at the beginning of the playoffs.

Do not NOT wear your lucky socks. You cannot afford taking a chance with the hockey gods at this point in the season. Your socks may be the only thing allowing your team to win. You don’t want to have to shoulder the blame of a loss just because you were too arrogant to wear your lucky turkey socks.

It’s absolutely okay to slam Henrik Zetterberg’s head into glass if you are Shea Weber. You will not get suspended. Totally cool. I’m a Shea Weber fan, but the guy should not have done this. Hockey gods were on his side obviously.

And finally, you can totally cry when your team doesn’t win the Stanley Cup. I won’t even make fun of you.

Editors Note: The Penguins are out. Let’s go Panthers! (Mostly just this guy. Gotta love Ol’ No-Chin Smithson)

Jerred Smithson

*Ya, I am.
**Guys I’ve done this. Several times.
***I absolutely have.

Sid, Are You a Child?

Dearest Sidney Franklin (I made this middle name up) Crosby,

You know I love you and your super incredible hockey abilities (Oh and I can’t forget your lusciously large lips. Did you have work done on them? They are HUGE!) I however, have one simple question for you.

Are you 3?

You see, I’ve chosen you and your Penguins as my eastern conference team to root for in the NHL playoffs, so I’ve been intently watching your first round series versus the Philadelphia Flyers. Since the first game you guys have been very angry towards each other. There have been many brawls and lots and lots of penalties on the parts of both teams. This, I understand, is hockey so it’s okay with me, but let’s talk about Sunday.

Sunday, you seemed to have boiled over in your frustrations and anger. There were wrestling matches, hair pulling, cheap shots and I’m sure many, many adult-type words. Which, you know, whatev, hockey.

Classic hockey fight!

Side note: I teach 3 year olds for a living and the little delightful guys do things like that all the time, minus the adult-type words. (ok, sometimes even that part takes place.)

So allow me to take this moment to tell you a story: Today, one child we’ll call him Frank, wasn’t using crayons. He wasn’t even near them. Then he saw another child, we’ll call her Tina, reach for the crayons, so Frank pushed the crayons to the other side of the table just out of Tina’s reach.

That story sounds pretty familiar doesn’t it? Seems very similar to something that recently happened with you right? Remember when you made the really mature decision to push away someone’s (Jakub Voracek’s to be precise) glove as he bent down to pick it up. Right as he bent down you just stuck your stick out and shoved that glove right away from his reach. Do you recall doing this? It’s not a very mature thing to do Sid ol’ pal.

And after you acted like a 3-year-old in tossing a glove away, you also decided to get in a fight with Claude Giroux and then you said some more adult words. Now normally I wouldn’t care that much about your actions, but the way you responded when questioned about these incidents makes me truly wonder if you are actually a child that has been given hormones to grow a nasty mustache tricking all of us into thinking you’re an adult.

You see, after the game the interviewers asked you why you pushed poor, poor, Jakub’s glove across the ice and you said,

I don’t like any guy on their team there. It was near me and he went to pick it up and I pushed it.”

First of all this did not answer their question at all. You basically just restated the question, but in essence what you said was,

I’m a child. I was losing in a hockey game. I wanted to make him mad. I saw his glove so I pushed it. Again, let the record show, I am a child and that is why I acted like a child.

So because you were so ridiculously ambiguous in your response the interviewers, they tried to understand your feelings more by asking for clarification as to why you don’t like the Flyers. And of course you were an open book and said,

“I don’t like them because I don’t like any guy on their team.”

Way to be super informative there, buddy! Now everyone is fully understanding why you don’t like those darn Flyers! You don’t like them because you don’t like them. Now I get it! (No I don’t.) Again, you’re acting like the 3 year olds I work with, “Why’d you hit them?” “Because they’re not my friend.” “Why?” “Because.” I have discussion like this on a daily basis. But they are 3 so it’s sort of excused from them as they can’t fully verbalize their feelings. But you are a grown man (I think).

After this you seemed to become slightly defensive about your motives for not liking the Flyers and you said,

“Yea, guys are emotional and there is a lot of stuff going on out there. There is no reason to explain. I don’t have to sit here and explain why I pushed a glove away they are doing a lot of things out there too. You know what, we don’t like each other. Was I going to sit there and pick up his glove? What was I supposed to do?”

Well Sid, you didn’t have to pick the glove up, that is true. But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t have pushed the glove away from him? I don’t know, that seems like the type of mature decision a 25-year-old man should make, but you didn’t do that. You did not. But I’m not the first person to suggest this concept to you. The interviewers even offered this thought and you said, as you are super mature,

“Skate away? Oh well I didn’t that time.

No, no you didn’t Sid. You did not skate away. You made the choice to be a child instead of a man.

Essentially what I heard in this interview was,

“AAAACK!! My Penguins are losing in this series! I’m so mad!! I needed to act out my frustrations so I pushed that punks glove away from him to make him mad. Okay? So what? Do you want to fight about it? Because I will fight you. I fought Giroux and I’ll take you down too! I’m not scared! I’m Sid the Kid!”

But don’t worry Sid. I still love you, I do. And I still want you to win this series because I really just don’t like those Flyers either. So I can relate to you on that. But I’m gonna need you to stop being childish and start playing hockey.

Your last chance for Stanley Cup-dom is tomorrow. If you do not win, you’re done. So maybe, here’s an idea, maybe you should just not fight with anyone tomorrow, ya? Maybe just try to score and win the game? Okay? Ya? Let’s do that.

Oh, and maybe next time make up a reason for not liking the Flyers, like “I don’t like them because they push me and they have stinky feet.” Anything really, just don’t say, “I don’t like them because I don’t like them.” again. That’s a stupid reason.

Okay, well I’m glad we had this heart to heart. Again, don’t worry. I still love you and your super plump lips.

All my love,
Amanda

P.S. The Flyers made this shirt to give away. So I guess the feeling is mutual?

Hold The Phone! I’m a Girl AND I like Hockey?

Sergei Kostitsyn, you are my favorite Belarusian.

First let me start out by saying, I haven’t always been the biggest sports fan. I would go to the occasional baseball or basketball games, but I didn’t really follow anything closely enough that you could call me a die-hard fan. That is until I discovered hockey.

One taste of hockey and I was hooked. I don’t know if it was the speed at which the game progressed at, or the possibility of Jordin Tootoo punching the poo out of someone, but I got sucked in. Normally in a sports type setting I people watch. I enjoy watching the people around to see how stupid they can actually be. But not at hockey games. I was actually watching the game. I found myself getting angry when someone would walk in front of the action. I made passive aggressive comments about the people who would walk in front of me. I never did this at baseball games. Something weird was happening. I liked this sport, actually I didn’t just like it, I LOVED it.

Ask me any question about the Predators, I can probably answer it. I got sucked into this sport and I did as much possible research as I could. Some might say I’m out of control. I don’t see it that way. I just didn’t want to be ignorant person asking questions about what the round black thing on the ice was. I wanted to know what was happening. I looked up the rules and all the ways you can get penalties. I read statistics on a daily basis. Turns out I have actually become incredibly knowledgeable on the subject. I’m still trying to figure out how this happened to me, but it did and I’m done questioning. I’ve finally found a sport that speaks to me and I love it.

All this being said, I’m afraid with all my talk of marrying Shea Weber or Colin Wilson I’ve given the world the impression that I only enjoy hockey for the looking at of the players. Sure I won’t deny some of the hockey players are attractive, particularly the Europeans and if one proposed to me I would not say no, but that’s not why I watch hockey. I actually LIKE the sport. I don’t spend my money on tickets and jerseys just in hopes that some player will see me in the crowd and want to be my forever love. And I haven’t made a day-glo colored sign proposing to anyone either*. (in fact the girls who make signs and wear pink jerseys concern me. Why are you wasting your money on tickets to something you don’t understand? Well, I know why, but seriously? Do you really think that’s going to work out for you? I don’t)

I recorded the Penguins/Bruins game today. Why did I do this? Because I love Marc Andre Fleury and Milan Lucic? No. While I find both of them to be very talented hockey players, I did it for the sole reason of wanting to watch it, because I enjoy watching hockey. Because I like the sport. And not just the athletes.

It’s weird right? A girl, who likes sports, and NOT just because she finds the players attractive? WHAT?? That’s crazy talk. Girls can’t like hockey. They only like hockey because they think that Sidney Crosby is dreamy and they want to go necking with Claude Giroux.

False. Girls can like hockey. And I do. You can’t stop me. I will wear my jersey to games. (if I was looking for love at a hockey game do you REALLY think I would wear a jersey? The things are not flattering!) I will mock the person behind me who says Paul Goose-Todd came from the Montreal Canadiens and I will scoff at the man next to me who Wikipedias the Kostitsyn brothers**. It’s just going to happen. Sorry, but I’m a girl and I like hockey. And if you’re a man who tries to spit stats that aren’t true, I’m probably going to consider punching you***.

I actually really like the game and I am not just a puck bunny thank you very much!****

 

*Ok. I made one for Brandon Yip in this post, but it was purely for ironic purposes. I threw it away immediately and DID NOT take it to a game.
**Really? The Kostitsyns? They’re only my favs. Don’t Wikipedia them next to me. I will want to punch you. Also Paul GAUSTAD came from the Buffalo Sabres. Moron.
***Hey buddy. Nick Spaling is the player who the Preds are 13-0-1 when he scores. Not Mike Fisher. Come on! Don’t be spitting lies!
****Puck bunny: a young female hockey fan, especially one motivated more by a desire to meet the players than by an interest in hockey. NOT Amanda.

A Little Trip Inside My Brain

Daily I visit a little website known as Yahoo. It’s the only way to get the news really. They have this handy little list on the side that tells what the most popular things in the world are at that current moment. Here’s what it says right now.

Pretty lame right? Except for that world’s smallest frog thing. Tiny frogs are great. Anyway, want to know what the trending topics would be if Yahoo was in my brain right now? No? WELL THATS TOO BAD CAUSE I’M GONNA TELL YOU ANYWAY!

01. David Legwand
This guy’s a Nashville Predators hockey player. What with my recent hockey obsession I’ve been watching them play hockey on tv a lot. David Legwand is missing a front tooth. And always is missing it. I have spent minutes of my life wondering if he has a tooth when he’s not playing hockey. Does he take it out to play and put it back in when he goes out into the real world? I DON’T KNOW. It’s eating away at me.


 

 

 

 

02. Hoodie Draw Strings
Why do these exist? I’ve only seen people use them ironically or to entrap their friends faces as a practical joke. If it’s cold I’ll wear a hood but I don’t tie those darn strings. I find myself chewing on them like a small child would. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

03. Tim Tebow
This is self-explanatory. I love Tim Tebow.

 

 

 

 

 

04. Tennessee Blizzard of 2012
Don’t look it up guys. It doesn’t exist. Apparently everyone who lives here thinks it does though. It snowed yesterday. It was all gone this morning. Yet every school was canceled today. I wish I had grown up here.

05. Viggo Mortenson
I’ve seen several advertisements saying he’s on David Letterman tonight. I didn’t know he was still alive/making movies.

 

 

06. Baseball

I’m real excited for baseball season. I’ve been trying to decide who I should become a fan of here in Nashville. They have a minor league team who goes to Milwaukee so I could like the Brewers. Or I could like the Braves. Or I could like the Cardinals (HA. No I couldn’t!!! JOKES!) But seriously. I need to decide SOON. I need an allegiance to someone or baseball season will be depressing and I’ll just continually remember that I can’t go to the All-Star game in Kansas City and I’ll cry a lot.

07. How do birds mate
SERIOUSLY!!! I don’t get it!

08. Claude Giroux
I somehow found myself watching HBO’s 24/7 Rangers/Flyers Road to the Winter Class. (HA! Found myself watching. I did it on purpose guys!) Claude Giroux plays for the Flyers. The Predators are playing the Flyers tomorrow. I’d like to get up real early and buy tickets in the morning to see him in person. I think I will. Ok. Done thinking.

09. Ilya Bryzgalov
Also from the 24/7 HBO series. Absolutely everything he says is funny. Because he’s Russian. And he’s basically just a nut job. Also all my brain thinks about is hockey I guess.

10. Super Mario Galaxy
I got this game for my Wii for Christmas. It’s like REALLY hard. I’ve been looking up ways to beat it on the internet like the 12 year old cheater I am. I’ve been doing really well at not throwing my controls when it makes me lose over and over and over and over. Maybe I’m losing my Nintendo ability as I age. I sure hope not.

I’m real sorry if you read all the way through that. It had to have been a terrifying experience. Trust me. I live with this everyday. It’s SO scary being my brain.