Trucks, Tobacco and Girls. The Best Country Song Ever?

Here’s a little tidbit about me, I enjoy music. Pretty much any kind of music really. If it has an instrument or a voice involved I’ll probably listen to it at least once. In fact if you were to spend anytime at all browsing through my iPod you might even think I’m having a serious identity crisis. Anything from Eminem to U2 you’ll find it there. Heck, there might even be a song or two from Barney the Dinosaur, but I’m neither confirming nor denying this.

However there is one music genre that I just don’t understand and cannot get on board with. Almost 25 years on this earth and I just cannot understand country music. I live in Nashville, you’d think it would make sense, but nope! I’ve slowly discovered that country music is mostly about trucks. And if there’s no truck it’s a girl. No girl? How about some alcohol and a river? These are the only things you need for a country song.

You’re never going to believe this, but I may have had the most ultimate country song ever suggested to me just the other day.

The name: Boys ‘Round Here.
The artist: Blake Shelton, or as I call him, ‘that one guy from The Voice’

This song includes everything you need for the most perfect country tune! Trucks, alcohol, girls and a river! Every single one of them is here. Based on that alone it has to be great! And I’m almost 37% sure it makes perfect sense and is a wonderfully deep and meaningful song! Luckily for all of you, I’ve spent hours doing an intense lyrical study to find out if this is indeed the most perfect country song. Join me now on this lyrical journey!

Boys ‘Round Here

“Well the boys ’round here don’t listen to The Beatles”

Well, why not? Everyone enjoys The Beatles. They’re kind of a classic band. Even I listen to The Beatles and I have terrible taste in music. Ask anyone who’s ever spent time near me. We are not off to a great start here Blake ol’ boy.

“Run ole Bocephus through a jukebox needle”

Bocephus? That’s a blood disease, right? Isn’t it contagious? Are you sharing needles?? I’m pretty sure that’s how you catch Bocephus, I learned that in 7th grade health. Also, as a side note, a jukebox needle seems like the worst choice for this.

“At a honky-tonk, where their boots stomp”

Are people wearing boots, or are these boots stomping on their own? OH! Is this a haunted honky-tonk?? I want to go to there!

“All night; what?”

I’ll second that “what?” You have not said a complete thought. What’s all night? The ghosts?

“(That’s right)”

Nailed it! I knew it was ghosts!

“Yea, and what they call work, digging in the dirt”

I just call work, work.

“Gotta get it in the ground ‘fore the rain come down”

Get what in the ground? The dirt? You don’t have to put dirt in the ground, it’s already there. If digging is your job I would’ve thought you’d know that by now.

“To get paid, to get the girl
In your 4 wheel drive (A country boy can survive)”

I’m honestly just confused now. You have to put the dirt that you dug up back into the ground before it rains? And if you don’t do this you won’t get paid? And if you don’t get paid you don’t get the girl? She seems a little catty if she won’t hang out with you unless you’ve been paid. I don’t know about her. Is the 4 wheel drive also a deal breaker? This girl is picky!

“Yea the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer”

Okay. That sounds nice. I’m with you.

“Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks”

The super catty girl? 4 wheel-drive trucks? Be more descriptive! You are not painting a great word picture for me.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust”

Oh, there’s dust! So it didn’t rain then? Good! I do hope you got all your dirt put back after you dug it up for no reason.

“The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

Are you praying because you’ve run out of red dirt road? You have a 4 wheel-drive, I think, you’ll probably be okay, unless you’re slowly careening towards a cliff. Which in that case I highly suggest you just flip a u and turn around.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t”

HA! Legit isn’t something you say about backwoods. Silly Blake! They aren’t legit. They’re full of sharp rocks and ticks. Not legit at all. Also I’m going to have to argue with you here. Backwoods take A LOT poo. Animals live in the backwoods and they eat there, and sleep there and well, surely you catch my drift.

“Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

What?! Where’d you get tobacco? Where did this come from? This is right out of left field, Also, the Surgeon General says that can give you mouth cancer, just a warning

“Aw heck
Red red red red red red redneck”

Aww heck……I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Why are you stuttering all of a sudden?

“Well the boys ’round here, they’re keeping it country
Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie
(You don’t do the dougie?) No, not in Kentucky”

YouTube. It gives a fine example of how to do the Dougie. Expand your horizons you red red red red red red red red red red red rednecks. But wait, you can’t do it in Kentucky. How’s about Massachusetts? Alaska? Wyoming?

“But these girls ’round here yep, they still love me”

Whoa! Calm down there Rico Suave. I don’t love you. That’s a bold statement. Maybe check your facts before you say such conceited things

“Yea, the girls ’round here, they all deserve a whistle”

Ahh, yes, every girl should have a rape whistle. I appreciate your support of woman’s safety.

“Shakin’ that sugar, sweet as Dixie crystal”

Is that like when Outkast told me to shake it like a Polaroid picture? Because as it turns out Polaroid strongly suggests you do NOT do that. Out of curiosity, is Dixie crystal, meth? I watched Breaking Bad and that sounds a lot like a name for meth. Don’t do meth kids.

“They like that y’all and southern drawl
And just can’t help it cause they just keep fallin‘”

Help them up!! And for goodness sakes get them to the doctor! If they keep falling they may have a serious medical problem.

“For the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks”

Okay, well you already talked about all of this. I’m growing bored.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

If you’ve run out of red dirt road, just find another road dude. They’re literally everywhere. I can see like 5 roads right now just from right where I’m sitting.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t
Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

Again with the tobacco. It’s so abrupt. Why are you saying this? And why are you repeating yourself? We heard you the first time.

“Let me hear you say
(Ooh let’s ride)
(Ooh let’s ride)
Down to the river side”

No….I’m not going to say that. I’m just not.

“(Ooh let’s ride…)”

No.

“Hey now girl, hop inside
Me and you gonna take a little ride to the river”

Where is there a river? Did the red dirt road run into a river?!? Can you swim?!? ARE YOU OKAY? May I suggest a pontoon? I learned a lot about them awhile back. They’re for red red red red red red rednecks.

“Let’s ride (That’s right)”

I already said no twice. Perhaps the 3rd times a charm.

“Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound”

…..I get what you’re implying here and I am appalled.

“We out of town”

That’s because you didn’t listen when I told you to find another road when you ran out of the other one. Sigh….

“Have you ever got down with
Red red red red red red redneck?”

No.

“And do you wanna get down with
Red red red red red red redneck?”

No.

“Girl you gotta get down”

No means no, man.

“With the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer
Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks”

Are the boys at the river/on the blanket with the crickets as well? You might need a friendship break from them. You seem a little clingy.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

I cannot stress this enough, just find another road.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t”

I’m not even going to talk to you about this again. You are a terrible listener. They’re is so much sh*t in the woods it’s not even funny.

“Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

I don’t know of you’re attempting to peer pressure me into chewing tobacco, but I’m not going to. I’ve seen The Sandlot. They tried that and they vomited everywhere! That is not pleasant. I do not want to participate

“(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

What happened to your job? Why haven’t you gone back yet? You’ll never get paid at this rate.

“I’m one of them boys ’round here
(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

I kind of already gathered that, why did you wait till the end of the song to let us know you’re one of the boys. I think in retrospect you should have stated that right from the get go.

“(Ooh let’s ride)
Well all I’m thinkin’ ’bout is you and me, how we’ll be”

That’s a little creepy. I don’t even know you!

“So come on girl, hop inside
Me and you, we’re gonna take a little ride”

NO.

“Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound”

Do I need to break out that whistle you gave me earlier? You’re more than a little pushy.

“We out of town
Girl you gotta get down with
Come on through the country side
Down to the river side”

I’m not going to do any of those things with you. Ever. Creepy McCreeperson.

….while this song does contain every single important aspect of a country tune, I’m not sure it’s the ultimate country song. In fact, I’ll just say it, it’s not. It’s really just a terribly confusing group of words promoting the use of tobacco and getting frisky in the woods. I don’t know what Blake Shelton was thinking here. I’m very disappointed. I had high hopes for this one, but alas it did not make me love country music….sigh.

So in summary, if creepy pushy rednecks with trucks who chew tobacco are your thing, then boy do I have a song for you to hear!! If not, then may I suggest absolutely any other song ever?

But I did learn something, so this whole experience wasn’t a complete bust! Mr Shelton suffers from a stuttering problem. It seems to only affect his use of the word ‘red’ though, which seems odd, but I’m no speech therapist. I’d never guessed he had this struggle. He covers it up well in the public eye.

Scotty McCreery: A Commentary

TWINS!

Last week I did something I’m not proud of. I downloaded Scotty McCreery‘s album. You know, Scotty McCreery, the 18-year-old boy who looks like Alfred E. Newman and sings like a 57-year-old man. That guy. I don’t know what came over me. I saw that it was only $7.99 on iTunes, and like that I hit the download button and there he was in all his glory on my iPod. The worst part about all of this is that I enjoyed the music. I liked it. A lot. What is wrong with me. Well, I enjoyed it that is, until I got to the title song, Clear As Day:

“You were sitting on that Silverado bumper
Outside our locker room after the game”

Hey, uh Scotty. Is it not strange to you, that she’s just hanging out on a bumper? And do trucks have bumpers? Isn’t it more of a tailgate? I’m not really ‘southern’ like you, I don’t know much. Also what kind of game? Clearly you’re telling a story here. I need more details to have a better mental picture of what’s happening.

“Glowing in the tan you got that summer”

Ok, so it’s summer. We’re probably talking baseball here. That’s pretty much the only summer sport, unless she’s still sporting her tan from the summer and it’s fall, in which case you could be playing basketball or football. I still don’t know. I’m going baseball, though because I enjoy it more.

“I walked by and you said ‘hey’
Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

Hold up. All she said was “Hey”? That line works Scotty? You mean all I need to do to hook a man is just say, ‘hey’? I might give that whirl sometime. Thanks for the tips!

“First time we’d ever beat East Lincoln county
Big party down at Ricky Bowman’s place”

Wait. Where’s East Lincoln county? Are they your rivals? And who’s Ricky Bowman? Is his place cool? What’s it like? Was there a bonfire? A hayride? Movies? What did you do there? Was there booze, because you are underage Scotty. Not okay. I’m really upset with your lack of details here my friend. I need more. You are not painting a very good word picture for me.

“I walked up, you threw your arms around me
And whispered you loved to watch me play
Yeah that night’s still Clear As Day”

Awwww….how cute. And sort of creepy. Why did she whisper it? That’s a little sketch man. I’m not sure about her, but you seem to be okay with her. By the way, what’s her name?

“There ain’t one second, times erased
Every detail is still in place
You hold to what you love
Some things never fade
And that night’s still Clear As Day”

Wow Scotty. That is insightful. I’m not even mad. That’s a pretty deep thought for someone who looks like the guy from Mad Magazine.

“We went to get some fresh air on the back porch
I put my class ring by the cross on your gold chain
You backed my back against those cedar clapboards
My lips ain’t never been kissed that way
Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHOA!! You guys are moving pretty fast Scotty! You gave her your class ring?? You guys are pretty much married now. You’re like 12, slow down there buddy. And she is forceful, what with the backing you into cedar clapboard and kissing you and what not. Also are you old enough to be smooching? I don’t even think I’m old enough and I’m 23. But I’m still kind of scared of cooties, so whatever, to each his own.

“There ain’t one second, times erased
Every detail is still in place
You hold to what you love
Some things never fade”

Again, I’m not even mad about this. You’re a wise man Scotty.

“I walked you to your brother’s Silverado
When he climbed behind the wheel he seemed okay
Last thing you said is I’ll call you tomorrow
That’s a call you never got to make
They blamed it on the fog and pouring rain
And that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHAAATTT????!!! What just happened???? Scotty!! This song was so happy, you were falling in love and now SHE’S DEAD?? What kind of song is this? Why did you make me all happy and nostalgic and lovey dovey for the first part of this song only to drop an 20 ton brick on my head and say, “oh, hey, by the way, this girl that’s super great that I was going steady with and stuff…well, she’s actually dead. Ya. Her brother crashed in the fog and now she’s dead. But I’m cool with it now, I even wrote a song about it.” Well Scotty, I’m not cool with it. You either have a happy song or you have a sad song. You CANNOT try to have both. I am just very upset with the way this turned out in the end. And now, since she’s DEAD, I’ll never know who she is. And that’s the very worst part. You painted a terrible word picture and now I”ll never even know who she was. Not even a name.

Stupid Scotty McCreery. Stupid. I was super happy and now, well, now I’m just going to crawl into a fetal position and question my whole life. So thanks a lot Scotty.

[Disclaimer: I seem to ruffle feathers when I add my own personal comments to country songs. People are really touchy about their country music. Many were upset when I mocked the popular Little Big Town hit, Pontoon, but seriously that’s a weird song. I’m not even sorry about that. So to clarify, because apparently I need to, this is written in the tone of ‘humor’, you know, like ‘ha ha, that’s clever’ stuff like that. Also, if someone says to me, ‘maybe you should listen to the songs stupid. Then you’ll understand.” Um…I bought the whole album for 7.99 on iTunes, and while I’m not proud of this fact, I actually enjoy the thing. It makes me twitch thinking about it, but ya, I enjoy Scotty McCreery, ok, so get off my back]

Related articles

• Scotty McCreery prepares for college, tours with Brad Paisley (blogs.tennessean.com)
• Scotty McCreery would like you to meet his hometown in new video for “Water Tower Town” (nashvillegab.com)
• Scotty McCreery gets CMT award as graduation gift (newsobserver.com)

I’m Sorry, But Are You Singing A Song About A Pontoon?

Just yesterday I was driving to work, when suddenly the most unsettling thing happened to me.

I was minding my own business, listening to the top country hits of today on WSIX The Big 98, and then it happened. A catchy Little Big Town tune started playing. At least it seemed catchy. My head may have even begun to bop along and then the magical voices in the radio began to sing.

“Back this hitch up into the water 
Untie all the cables and rope 
Step onto the astro turf 
Get yourself a coozie 
Let’s go”

Pardon me? What hitch? I only know of one hitch and that’s a movie starring Will Smith and Kevin James. Is that what you’re talking about? It was a pretty terrible movie, so I hope not. And AstroTurf? Are we playing baseball at the Rogers Centre in Toronto? They have AstroTurf. (FYI, my computer says you are spelling astro turf wrong. It should look like this AstroTurf) Coozie? Did you really just use the phrase, “get yourself a coozie” in a song, that’s being played on the radio? What the heck am I listening to?

“Who said anything about skiin’? 
Floatin’ is all I wanna do 
You can climb the ladder 
Just don’t rock the boat while I barbecue”

Um. No one said anything about “skiin”, as you call it. We’re talking about a terrible movie about matchmaking and playing baseball in Canada. This is your song, shouldn’t you be aware of this? Idiot. And what are we floatin’ on? Turf? You can’t float on turf, it’s made of plastic. Also what ladder are you climbing? Are we floating in the air? Is this song about doing drugs?? Oh. You’re in a boat. Now it all makes sense? (nope)

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Ok, so you’re on a pontoon. Which, since I’m clearly not as country as you, I looked up and it looks something like this: So needless to say I’m having a problem with the whole “catchin’ rays up on the roof” thing. There’s no roof here. I’m really starting to think this song is about drugs. Also if I jump out of the back are you going to stop “making waves”? I don’t want to be abandoned in the middle of the lake/ocean/river/wherever you are. Sure you’re partying in slow motion, but I’m not a real strong swimmer, I probably couldn’t catch up. Ummm….you’re ending the chorus with motorboatin’? That’s a bold choice there guys.

“(Who who who)”

I don’t know. I thought it was probably you guys, who were singing the song, but now I don’t know.

“Reach your hand down into the cooler 
Don’t drink it if the mountains aren’t blue 
Try to keep it steady as you recline on your black inner-tube”

Ok. So booze seems to be playing a role in this song. That definitely makes sense. Also did you get money from whatever beer company makes those cans with the mountains that turn blue? YOu should if you didn’t. But I’m confused. When did you get into a inner-tube? And is the cooler floating? Are you still…motorboatin’?

“Pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Yep. Still motorboatin’. Good to know.

“(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

If you don’t know, I’m certain that I have no idea.

“5 mile an hour with aluminum side 
Wood panelin’ with a water slide 
Can’t beat the heat, so let’s take a ride”

Wait. Your pontoon has a water slide? And wood paneling. Hold on. Let me google.
Ok. Yep, those are a thing. You must have spent a fortune on your pontoon. And I take back my rude comment about not having a roof. This one clearly has a roof. I apologize for assuming you were an idiot.

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
I’m out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin'”

So weird.

“On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who)”

Again, if you don’t know who’s on your pontoon, I’m sure I don’t. but you should probably not let strangers onto your pontoon.

“Back this hitch out into the water 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

Aaaand, now we’re back to a terrible Kevin James movie. Kevin James. Kevin James. I said KEVIN JAMES!! (see what I did there?)

This was quite literally the most confusing 3 minutes and 40 seconds of my life. Are these rednecks? Are they country singers? Is this actually a country song? The song had nothing about heartbreak or dogs in it, so ya, not a country song. Who wrote this and who told Little Big Town it wold be a a good idea to sing this? Someone here in Nashville has dropped the ball and let this one through. I’m pretty upset about this and I’ll probably be sending a forcefully written letter to them soon to let them know my opinion on the stupidity of this song.*

So I’m just going to save you some time. Don’t buy this song on iTunes. You’ll just be left with a confused look on your face and $1.29 less than you had previously.

[Turns out they just premiered the video on people.com today. If I had seen the video first, so many of my questions could have been answered. Also that blonde lady has HUGE hair. So anyway, if you’re curious go here]

*Nope.

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Taylor Swift, Why Don’t Your Songs Make Sense?

Hi there Taylor Swift!

Can I call you T. Swift? (It doesn’t matter what your response is. I’m going to do it anyway) How is it going? Just living the dream huh? Singing your country* music and traveling the world I’m sure.

You are very popular here in Nashville. I mean, REALLY popular. Every time I turn on the radio, there you are. Sitting in a restaurant you’re there. Walking through Walmart, T. Swift flowing through the air. You are everywhere. I might even say you are haunting me. Even when I don’t hear you on the radio, I hear you in my head.

DARN YOU AND YOUR CATCHY LITTLE TUNES! These songs go with me everywhere, but you know what? They don’t make sense. Any of them. Are you aware of this fact? I know you probably didn’t write them and you just sing them, but these songs have virtually no point to them. Most recently I’ve had your darling little song, “Ours” stuck in my head. And you know what, that one makes the least sense of all of them.

Allow me to expand on this thought. These are the lyrics to your song. I will explain line by line why this does not make sense. Are you ready? Good! Here goes!

“Elevator buttons in morning air [What? Elevator buttons in the air, or on an elevator? This song is already starting out a little weird]
Strangers’ silence makes me want to take the stairs [What do you want the strangers to do T. Swift? Ask you obnoxious questions? Do you really want that? I don’t think you do.]
If you were here we’d laugh about their vacant stares [That seems like a really rude thing for you to do. Why would you do that? Maybe you wouldn’t have as many haters if you didn’t laugh at strangers all the time]
But right now my time is theirs [What does that even mean? They’re strangers. Why is your time theirs? I’m confused T. Swift]

Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves
They’ll judge it like they know about me and you [Wait. Are the disapproving people the ones on the elevator? Or are these just people in general? You need to be more specific]
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do [What verdict? Are we still on an elevator? When did we move to a courtroom?]
The jury’s out, my choice is you [The jury decided your choice for you? I thought you didn’t like people judging you? The jury decided your choice was him? I don’t understand you]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [That’s a really weird way to describe someones mind]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. They don’t. People don’t throw rocks as a general rule. Do you even live in the real world with the rest of us? I never see people throwing rocks at shiny things. And what does this have to do with the jury of people who were in the elevator with vacant stares? This song is all over the place]
And life makes love look hard [Does it? I’m not sure you know what you’re saying]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough [‘Stakes are high’ sounds like a poker analogy, but ‘water’s rough’ seems like a boat analogy. Are you playing poker on a boat?]
But this love is ours [Okay, ya this makes sense. Good job on this one] 

You never know what people have up their sleeves [Usually arms. And magicians sometimes keep playing cards up there]
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me [Are these real ghosts? Or ghosts like bad decisions? If he has ghosts from his past why are you so obsessed with him. You seem to make bad choices in your love life. I mean you dated that werewolf that had the same name as you for a while. That was kind of weird]
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles [What? The ghost wear lip gloss? Wait…are these ghosts his former lovers? I think I”m catching what your throwing out now T. Swift!]
But I don’t care ’cause right now you’re mine [You can’t own people! Slavery was outlawed. Ever heard of the emancipation proclamation? LOOK IT UP WEIRDO]

And you’ll say
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [So now your mind is pretty? You guys are a bunch of weirdos]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. THEY DON’T]
And life makes love look hard [I still don’t think I agree with you here]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Still on that boat ‘eh?]
But this love is ours [Alright. I won’t take your love away]

And it’s not theirs to speculate [What’s not theirs? And who are they? Why are your songs so nondescript?]
If it’s wrong and [Oh. Okay. If your love is wrong is what’s not theirs to speculate. GOT IT!]
Your hands are tough [Get him some hand lotion. Problem solved]
But they are where mine belong and [Where your what belongs? Your hands? Weird] I’ll fight that doubt and give you faith
With this song for you [OOOHHHHH…..the song makes you feel better about your relationship. That makes so much more sense. (no it doesn’t)]

‘Cause I love the gap between your teeth [Michael Strahan?]
And I love the riddles that you speak [Jim Carrey as the Riddler? You are not describing this boy as very appealing]
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored [The remarks might be necessary if the guy only speaks in riddles. That’s a weird thing to do]
‘Cause my heart is yours [Literally? Good to know you’re an organ donor]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [Weird]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Nope]
And life makes love look hard [It does not]
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [You just said this]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Stop repeating yourself. They don’t do this!] But they can’t take what’s ours [This is true. That would be a felony]
They can’t take what’s ours [I said I agree. Why did you say it again?]

The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Poker on a boat is you guys’ thing huh?]
But this love is ours [That’s nice]”

[Wait. That’s how the song ends? Did you marry the boy with the tooth gap and tattoos? And what was the shiny thing people were throwing rocks at? What were the stakes? Did the water every calm down? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING HERE TAYLOR!! There is absolutely no closure here. Why are you this way? Ugh.]

And why is your guitar so freaking sparkly/shiny? I hope no one throws rocks at it.

See T. Swift? See? That song had no ending. I don’t know if the people throwing rocks broke the shiny thing. I don’t know if you and the riddler ended up together. I don’t know anything. All you really did was open up more mystery and questions for me. I dont’ like that. I like songs with distinct happy endings. Or even sad endings. As long as there is an ending I’m good. But your songs don’t have endings. And I am not okay with this. Work on that T. Swift. Give your songs closure and then maybe when they’re stuck in my head I won’t feel as if I would rather stab a q-tip into my ear than hear the song again. That’s what we all want anyway. For me to be happy.

 
*I’m not entirely sure why your music is considered country, other than all you sing about is love and heartbreak

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Amanda, The Country Music Star: Second Try

A couple days ago I decided to write a country song. It was a near disaster. I tried my darnedest, but, man I don’t know how to rhyme. So since I’m currently unemployed and stuff, I spent way too much time just now making the song rhyme better. I’m really not joking either. I used a rhyming dictionary and even googled song rhyming schemes. I really, really, need a job you guys.

However I think with all my extra effort I have pushed this song to another level now. Maybe even platinum record level. Because, you know, I’ve mentioned booze, Jesus, farming, daddy, mama, rain, a church. There’s heartbreak and then the heartbreak is fixed and marriage occurs. I removed the mention of pig farmers, because that was just weird. What else does a country song need? I mean really.

I’m feeling good about my second draft. You can find the first draft here, if you need a reference to how this terrible song can be better than the previous one.

Bobby Ray and Me
*any similarities to real life situations or people are purely coincidental, as I know absolutely no one named Bobby Ray.

“Bobby Ray had his eyes peeled,
Drivin’ in the corn field.
Daddy tried to warn me about him,
But I had to act upon that whim.

He was drinkin’ Sasparilla with, Little Joe.
I knew it was love, who-o-o-a!
They knew he’d break my heart that day,
He’s a wandering dog, they’d say.
But who’d guess he’d wander right to me.
I guess I like his smell too much to stray.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well Bobby Ray broke my heart,
I guess I weren’t that smart.
A bottle of Jack my only friend
Not even my dog could pretend,
I was ok.
I’d begun to stray.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I walked into the country church,
Nestled under the Silver Birch.
And I found Jesus.
I dropped the bottle that day.
There’s no way I could delay,
I started to frolic,
I was no longer alcoholic!

I love you Bobby Ray,
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I saw him walking in the rain,
to his mama’s house on main.
He said, ‘I’m sorry, I tried to warn you,
Of what I’d put you through,
I’m a wandering dog, you can’t tie me down.
But because of you, I can’t skip town.’
I said, thanks for breaking my heart,
I’ve been falling apart.
Bobby Ray got down on one knee
And then he said, I’d like for you to be.
My love come true.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville.

Well whod’ve guessed.
We’d be married today!

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
In my heart.”

That was a little better huh?

I’m probably still going to send it to Taylor Swift. (Mainly because I don’t think she really reads lyrics before she agrees to sing them. Have you guys heard her songs?? They don’t even make sense. And all she does is whine in them. But that’s a digression.)

See. Taylor Swift is a weirdie.

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Amanda, The Country Music Star

Image via Wikipedia

I haven’t always been a country music fan. (Or maybe I have I just wouldn’t admit it if I was asked) But since moving to Nashville, it’s basically the only thing they have. Just country music.

Everywhere. Walk outside and there’s always a faint honky tonk in the wind. (this is a lie) Every person I walk by is singing/whistling/humming the newest Dolly Parton hit (this is also a lie).

Basically, what I’m saying is, if I want a career, I have to become a country music star. Unfortunately I don’t know how to play guitar, or sing, or wear a cowboy hat appropriately. So obviously my only other option is to write hit songs for the likes of Taylor Swift and Brad Paisley to sing.

Here’s my first try at a country song. Let me know what you guys think.

Bobby Ray and Me
*any similarities to real life situations or people are purely coincidental, as I know absolutely no one named Bobby Ray, nor have I ever been in a corn field with pig farmers

“I met him in the corn field. He was ridin’ on his tractor.
I can still smell the pig farm on him.
He was drinkin’ Sasparilla with his bud, Little Joe.
I knew it was love, right when I smelled him
The pig farmers tried to warn me,
They knew he’d break my heart that day.
He’s a wandering dog, they’d say.
But who’d guess he’d wander right to me.
I guess I like his smell too much to say…goodbye.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well Bobby Ray broke my heart,
A bottle of Jack became my only friend
Not even my dog could make me,
Happy
I was getting worse everyday.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Last week I reached rock bottom.
I walked into the country church,
And I found Jesus
I dropped that bottle right there that day.
Bobby Ray ran me right into Jesus’ arms
I’m not an alcoholic,
Anymore!

I love you Bobby Ray,
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I saw him the other day at his mama’s house.
I remember what he said to me there
He said, I’m sorry, I tried to warn you,
I’m a wandering dog, you can’t tie me down.
I said, thanks for breaking my heart,
But I still love you….and your smell.
And then he said, he loved me too.
I guess I knew that smell, was love come true.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well whod’ve guess.
That smell of pigs,
Would draw me to him.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
In my heart.
And I love, your smell”

This is obviously the perfect country song. I mentioned love, heartbreak, then love again, a tractor, a dog, rain, stars, Nashville, someone named Bobby Ray, Little Joe and a mama. As I wrote it I thought all the words in a nasally voice. I touched on every ingredient for a hit country song. Everyone can relate to it. I’m sure of it.

Sure it needs a little tweaking. This is just the first draft. The rhythm is all off, the lyrics are incredibly stupid and don’t make any sense, but otherwise it’s a Grammy award winner. I’ll work on it some more tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even break out the old rhyming dictionary.

Actually no, I’ll probably just go ahead and mail it like this to Taylor Swift tomorrow. She’ll sing pretty much anything.

(Thanks to Edrevets for pointing out my serious neglect of Jesus and alcohol in this country western song. As for the rest of you…well I’m mad at all of you for not letting me know I had failed so terribly.)