Things I Wish I’d Learned Before the Age of 22

As children we are fed many lies. Mostly lies to make us behave or to trick us into learning new information. I smack myself in the head a lot because I spent so much of my young life learning or working towards certain things that no longer serve any purpose in my life. If someone had told me as a child that 90% of what I was focused on then would no longer matter now, I could have saved myself hours of blood, sweat and tears. That’s why I have compiled this list. So hopefully I can help someone out and they won’t feel as stupid at the age of 22 for not realizing these things sooner.

I won’t use algebra all the time, in fact I never use it.
Teachers tried to convince me I’ll need simple algebra for everything from figuring tips to deciding how much paint it will take to paint a room. Not true. At all. I never use algebra. Ever. For many reason. First I work with 3 year olds, the most math I do is counting to 30. Don’t need algebra for that. Second, I have a calculator. That can figure tips and keep track of my grocery purchases. And third, there aren’t x’s and y’s just sitting around waiting to be solved. There just aren’t. Essentially, if you’re not a mathematician, you won’t need algebra.

I will not HAVE to use cursive in high school.
My third grade teacher taught us to write in cursive with the threat that when we got to junior high and high school we would only be allowed to write in cursive. False. I have not written in cursive since the third grade. She lied to us. And now I possess a useless life skill that I utilize zero percent of the time.

Beanie Babies won’t stay cool forever.
Between the ages of 6 and 12, I wasted most of my hard-earned cash on animal shaped bean bags. I vacuumed many floors and put away infinite clean dishwasher loads in order to earn money for those darn things. I spent hours hunting down a rare bunny while on vacation in Canada because it was selling for $500. I wasn’t going to sell it, why did I do that? Because they were AWESOME. My mother tried to buy me fake beanie babies so I could be as cool as all the kids at school. Nope. They had to have that little heart tag in order for you to gain acceptance. I collected at least 50. (which I realize is not as many as most crazy people, but I didn’t have a real career to support my habit. If beanie babies were still cool I’d probably spend WAY too much money on them) And now I have none. I rid myself of all the bean bag animals. Because they were pointless. (Also it’s weird for a 22-year-old to have that many toys just hanging around) I wish I had all those $7 dollar bags o’ beans back. I might be a hundred-aire by now.

Romantic comedies are not realistic.
I have dropped things in public plenty of times. Not once has some handsome stranger come up to me to help me pick up my items. Nor has a handsome stranger caught my eye contact, immediately fell in love with and begin courting me. No mishaps occurred that made myself and this handsome stranger part ways for a few weeks only to have the handsome stranger, who is no longer a stranger, but the love of my life, sing me an off-key song in a smokey bar to win my heart back. This has never happened. And I’m beginning to think it will never happen. Also most men do not look like Orlando Bloom. What a hoax Hollywood. I want my money and my heart back. I’ve wasted hours of my life waiting for such a scenario to happen and nothing. I’m super mad about this.

If I want a husband, all I need is a sign at a sporting event.
I don’t know why no one told me this sooner. I’ve spent years trying to have endearing qualities and a nice personality, while at every sporting event numerous girls are holding up signs proposing marriage to young male athletes. Obviously the success rate on this method has to be pretty high, why would so many people do it if it didn’t work? I don’t know why I’ve been trying so hard to be desirable to men. All I need is a sign and a nice smile, then BAM! Husband. And that’s why I’ve made this sign to take to Brandon Yip and after tomorrow night I will be Mrs. Yip!*


I hope that this list has saved many from learning useless skills and focusing too much energy on stupid collections/gaining a husband. If I can offer one service to the world, I hope it is through this. Good luck! And stop practicing your cursive! No one uses that, in fact no one can even read it!


*Amanda is not really taking that sign to a Predators game. She’s not that desperate. Also she realizes that the signs don’t accomplish anything. ‘Yip-Check’ is a trademarked term by Amanda. Okay, so it’s not really trademarked, but she said it once and thinks she’s really clever because he checks people in hockey all the time. If Amanda were to make a sign for real it would not be for Brandon Yip, but she doesn’t have clever name puns for any other players.