A Dog’s Day: As Told by Wallace T. Schnauzer III


6:30 a.m. : I’d like to get up now. Why is girl still sleeping? I will sniff her face….NOPE. She DID NOT like that. DOOR IS OPEN!! RUNNNN!!!!!

6:35 a.m. : Need to pee, need to pee, need to pee, need to pee….SMELLS LIKE SQUIRREL….FIND SQUIRREL, FIND SQUIRREL, FIND SQUIRREL….oh. need to pee, need to pee…this is nice spot to pe….SQUIRREL….CHASE SQUIRREL….SQUIRREL IN TREE. I will stare into tree until squirrel comes out……oh…need to pee…..peeing. TREAT. I GET TREAT. RUUUNNNNN!!

6:45 a.m. : I’d like to sleep now. GIRL CLOSED DOOR!!! HEY HEY HEY HEY!! OPEN THE DOOR!……..HEEEY. HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY! DOOR OPEN!! HEYHEYHEYHEYHEY! OH! OPEN DOOR. RUUUUN!!!

6:50 a.m. : Where should I lay….ON GIRLS LEGS!! YES!! GIRL KEEPS KICKING ME??? STOP GIRL! So relaxing in the middle of bed. Why does girl keep moving me? MY bed. GIRL IS A MONSTER. I let girl sleep here and girl is trying to move me? MUST VOMIT HERE LATER

8:45 a.m. : Aaaaah. Relaxing slumber. GIRL MOVED. MUST LICK FACE!!!! GIRL DID NOT LIKE THAT!!

9:15 a.m. : Girl is running? SHE WANT TO PLAY!! ATTACK!!! AAAH! Girl yelled at me? Sad! OOOOHHH TRASH!!! EAT THE TRASH!! Why did girl take trash away? MUST EAT GIRLS SOCKS LATER.

9:35 a.m. : Girl is in room with giant water dish. MUST GET IN THERE NOW. HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY!!! OPEN DOOR! RUUUUNN!!! TOILET PAPER ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EAT IT! OOOH. Clean clothes!!! MUST LAY ON THEM!!!

10:00 a.m. : Girl is eating yogurt!!! WANT TO LICK THE YOGURT!!!!! AAAAHHH!!!! LICK THE YOGURT!!!

10:15 a.m. : Girl left yogurt container!!! LICK IT NOW!!!!!! YUMYUMYUMYUM…UH OH. SPOON FELL IN FLOOR. RUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!

11:00 a.m. : NEED TO PEE. RING BELL. LOOK AT GIRL. RING BELL. LOOK AT GIRL. RING BELL. LOOK AT GIRL. DOOR OPEN? RUUUUNNNN!!! Squirrel? Squirrel? Squirrel? SQUIRREL!! Follow smell. Follow smell. Follow smell. Follow smell. PEEE. Follow smell. TREAT??? RUUUUNNN!!

11:10 a.m. : I do not like this treat. I will leave it here. NOO!!! OTHER DOG TRIED TO EAT TREAT! GRAB TREAT. RUUUNN!!

11:15 a.m. : Stare out window. Look for squirrel……………………………

11:45 a.m. :……………………………no squirrels. OOH GIRL HAS COMPUTER. MUST SIT ON GIRLS LAP.

11:50 a.m. : I hear rattling??? Food??? RUUUUN TO KITCHEN!!!!! No food???? Stare out window……………

11:58 a.m. : Other dog peed on girls bed. VINDICATION FOR KICKING THIS MORNING. MUST SNIFF PEE. I HEAR GIRL COMING!! RUUUUNNNNN OTHER DOG.

12:15 p.m. : Girl is eating lunch!!! MUST STARE AT GIRL!!! WHY ARE YOU NOT FEEDING ME GIRL???? MUST POOP SOMEWHERE IN GIRLS ROOM LATER.

12:30 p.m. : HEY! SCOOT OVER GIRL. Nap time……………

2:47 p.m. : ……………..AAAH. CAR OUTSIDE. MUST BARK AT IT.

3:00 p.m. : SQUEAKY TOY!! SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK. HERE GIRL!! Throw it. Throw it. Throw it. Throw it. AAAAAAAAAAH….RUN TO SQUEAKY TOY…….HERE GIRL. SQUEAKY TOY. THROW IT…………

3:30 p.m. : ……..Throw it. Throw it. Throw it. RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN. HERE GIRL. SQUEAKY TOY…SQUIRREL!!!! STARE AT IT!!! HEY SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL. LOOK AT ME!!!! LOOK AT ME SQUIRREL!!!!! HEY SQUIRREL….DID I HEAR FOOD??? RUUUUUUUUN TO KITCHEN.

3:30 and a 1/2 p.m. : NO FOOD. WINDOW!!!!! SQUIRREL??? SQUIRREL??? SQUIRREL???? No squirrel……sad

4:45 p.m. : GARAGE DOOR!!!!!!! RUUUUUN!!!!! JUMP ON HUMAN!!!!!!!!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP. GET AWAY OTHER DOG! GET OFF ME DOG. HEY GET OFF. JUMP JUMP JUMP…OH NEED TO PEE. Ring bell. Look at girl. Ring bell. Look at girl. Ring bell. Look at girl. DOOR IS OPEN. RUUUUUUUN.

4:50 p.m. : SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL. I’M OUTSIDE. SQUIRREL SQUIRREL SQUIRREL. WHERE ARE YOU??? oh. need to pee. need to pee. need to pee…..wait. need to poo. need to poo. need to poo. need to poo. POOPING! TREATS!!!! RUUNN!!!!

5:00 p.m. : Humans are eating??? MUST STARE!! HEYHEYHHEYHEYHEYHEY GIRL. HEY HEY HEY. CHICKEN!!!! yumyumyumyumyumyumyum heyheyheyheyheyheyhey girl more food!! heyheyhey BREAD. YUMYUMYUMYUM. HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY aaawwwww no more food? NAP TIME!!!

9:45 p.m. : YAWWNN!!!!! So rested. TENNIS BALL!!!!!! HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY!!! Girl. THROW THIS!! AAAAH TENNIS BALL. RUUUN!!!!HERE GIRL HERE HERE HERE. TENNIS BALL!!!!!!!………

10:00 p.m. : …….TENNIS BALL. RUUUN!!!!HERE GIRL HERE HERE HERE. TENNIS BALL!!!!!!! heyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyhey TENNIS BA…..DOOR OPEN. RUUUUN

10:05 p.m. : need to pee. need to pee. need to pee. need to pee. need to pee. peeing. SQUIRREL????? SQUIRREL SQUIRREL SQUIRREL SQUIRREL. TREAT???  RUUUUUN!

10:15 p.m. : Bed time? OK. I WILL LAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED. SO TIRED….goodnight girl. Enjoy your tiny corner of bed.

Amanda, The Country Music Star

English: American country musician Brad Paisley.

Image via Wikipedia

I haven’t always been a country music fan. (Or maybe I have I just wouldn’t admit it if I was asked) But since moving to Nashville, it’s basically the only thing they have. Just country music.

Everywhere. Walk outside and there’s always a faint honky tonk in the wind. (this is a lie) Every person I walk by is singing/whistling/humming the newest Dolly Parton hit (this is also a lie).

Basically, what I’m saying is, if I want a career, I have to become a country music star. Unfortunately I don’t know how to play guitar, or sing, or wear a cowboy hat appropriately. So obviously my only other option is to write hit songs for the likes of Taylor Swift and Brad Paisley to sing.

Here’s my first try at a country song. Let me know what you guys think.

Bobby Ray and Me
*any similarities to real life situations or people are purely coincidental, as I know absolutely no one named Bobby Ray, nor have I ever been in a corn field with pig farmers

“I met him in the corn field. He was ridin’ on his tractor.
I can still smell the pig farm on him.
He was drinkin’ Sasparilla with his bud, Little Joe.
I knew it was love, right when I smelled him
The pig farmers tried to warn me,
They knew he’d break my heart that day.
He’s a wandering dog, they’d say.
But who’d guess he’d wander right to me.
I guess I like his smell too much to say…goodbye.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well Bobby Ray broke my heart,
A bottle of Jack became my only friend
Not even my dog could make me,
Happy
I was getting worse everyday.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Last week I reached rock bottom.
I walked into the country church,
And I found Jesus
I dropped that bottle right there that day.
Bobby Ray ran me right into Jesus’ arms
I’m not an alcoholic,
Anymore!

I love you Bobby Ray,
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I saw him the other day at his mama’s house.
I remember what he said to me there
He said, I’m sorry, I tried to warn you,
I’m a wandering dog, you can’t tie me down.
I said, thanks for breaking my heart,
But I still love you….and your smell.
And then he said, he loved me too.
I guess I knew that smell, was love come true.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well whod’ve guess.
That smell of pigs,
Would draw me to him.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
In my heart.
And I love, your smell”

This is obviously the perfect country song. I mentioned love, heartbreak, then love again, a tractor, a dog, rain, stars, Nashville, someone named Bobby Ray, Little Joe and a mama. As I wrote it I thought all the words in a nasally voice. I touched on every ingredient for a hit country song. Everyone can relate to it. I’m sure of it.

Sure it needs a little tweaking. This is just the first draft. The rhythm is all off, the lyrics are incredibly stupid and don’t make any sense, but otherwise it’s a Grammy award winner. I’ll work on it some more tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even break out the old rhyming dictionary.

Actually no, I’ll probably just go ahead and mail it like this to Taylor Swift tomorrow. She’ll sing pretty much anything.

(Thanks to Edrevets for pointing out my serious neglect of Jesus and alcohol in this country western song. As for the rest of you…well I’m mad at all of you for not letting me know I had failed so terribly.)

Wally and Amanda’s Day of Fun (play by play version)

11:50am – Amanda finds an old sheet

11:51 – Amanda places found sheet carefully over the passenger’s seat in car as to keep it from getting dirty

11:53a – Amanda allows dog (Wally) to potty

11:55 – Amanda takes Wally down the stairs, through the garage, to the car. Amanda opens passengers door and lets him in

11:55 ½ – Wally runs to driver’s seat placing muddy paw prints everywhere (This is magic mud as there is no mud between where Amanda and Wally came from to the car)

11:55 ¾ – Amanda gets sad

11:56 – Amanda backs out of driveway

11:56-12:10 – Amanda and Wally drive to the veterinarian in Spring Hill.  Numerous attempts on Wally’s part are made to enter into Amanda’s personal driving bubble.  Amanda shoves Wally over  and almost crashes multiple times. Wally stands up on door and makes the windows have drool/dog snot spots.

12:10 – Amanda and Wally arrive at the vet without either one of them dying. They enter the building at the same time as a fluffy puppy.

12:11 – Wally has homicidal thoughts towards the other dog. Amanda attempts to keep them from becoming a reality.Wally is not pleased and would like to bark. Amanda is ashamed.

12:12 – Amanda and Wally are forced to sit in the waiting room.  Dogs can be smelled (Not by Amanda, but Wally).  Much growling and moaning (Again, not Amanda)

12:15 – Amanda and Wally are sent to another room to wait.  Wally stands lays limp on the scale. (He weighs 22.6# [#= vet symbol for pound])

12:20 – Man vet comes in and forces Amanda to place Wally on the metal table.  Wally lays limp.

12:21 – Man shoots Wally three times.  Wally is not pleased.

12:23 – Amanda and Wally are allowed to exit the room.

12: 24 – Amanda is told she has to pay an unreasonable amount of money for her dog’s health.  Her eyes get sad.

12:24 ¼ – Amanda tries to get her debit card out of her wallet which is in her purse. At this time Wally is jumping up and down and running in circles and acting like a banshee in every sense of the word

12:24 ½ – Wally escapes from his collar.  Amanda apprehends the escapee before more damage is done.

12:24 ¾ – Amanda finally pays the unreasonable amount of money and get her receipt.

12:25 – Amanda and Wally exit the building as fast as humanly possible.

12:26 – Wally and Amanda get in the car using the same door to prevent more mud in other places of car.

12:26-12:32 – Amanda and Wally begin their (what seems like) long long journey back to Olathe.

12:33 – Wally decides he would like to sit in the back seat. (Amanda assumes it’s because he’s passive-aggressive and is punishing her for making him get shots)

12:35 – Wally vomits all over backseat. (Perhaps again his passive-aggressive tendencies) Amanda cries inside.

12:36 – Amanda and Wally arrive at home only for Amanda to realize she has mud and dog blood all over her white shirt. She is immensely ashamed of herself and curious as to where the blood came from.

12:37 – Wally goes inside house while Amanda uses an entire roll of paper towels to remove vomit from her nice clean car.

Needless to say it was pretty scarring event for both of us.  Mostly me as the dog scratched the beejezus out of me in the car. I was the person with the crying baby on an airplane, only it was the annoying dog in the vet’s office.