I’ve been watching a lot of hockey recently. Shocking, I know. But, you know what, it’s the playoffs, so get off my back. Everyone is watching hockey right now. I’m not crazy, okay? So now that we’ve got that awkward incident behind us, let’s get to the real juicy stuff…hockey fights are great.
I’m not really a violent person, but I really like it when there are fights in hockey. Everyone does. Even non-hockey fans. These altercations are kind of a big deal. They often start because of simple inconveniences like, “Hey, I want to skate over there, but that guy is in my way! I’ll just slam him into the wall! There. DONE!” Then the person who got slammed into the wall retaliates and slams the original ‘slammer’ into another wall. Sticks hit the ice, the gloves come off, and voila, good old-fashioned fisticuffs are had. Each party goes to their specified timeout box* and 5 minutes later they emerge and the air is clear. No longer are they angry about being pushed into a wall. They’ve completely forgotten about that irritating little incident that led to their fight and they just get back to playing hockey. That is, until they get shoved into a wall again, then the whole process starts again, but let’s just pretend that doesn’t happen, okay? Thanks.
It is no secret that I hate people. They are the worst. Sometimes I just want to punch them. So I started thinking, maybe I wouldn’t hate people as much if I could hockey fight them when they annoy me. It seems to work for hockey players. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Instead of getting irritated and allowing the anger and rage to eat away at my soul, I’m going to do the healthy thing:
I’m going shove people into walls and then punch them in the face repeatedly.
It’s a brilliant plan. If someone nearly runs me down with a shopping cart in Walmart. I’ll just shove them into the boxes of Moon Pies. They’ll push me into the Tastykakes. I drop my shampoo right there and we have it out. 30 seconds later, we’re done. We both head off in our separate directions never to speak of it again.
If I’m driving to work, and the person behind me thinks I’m driving too slow and is therefore tailgating me, I’ll just slam on my brakes and jump out of my car. Fisticuffs will happen. Then we’ll get in our respective cars. I go on to work, granted I have a bloody nose, but a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I no longer hate the tailgater.
Logical right? and I’m almost sure that I won’t get in legal trouble for this. Especially if I explain to law enforcement that I’m simply implementing hockey fight rules into every day life. They’ll totally understand. Definitely…maybe….probably not, but it’s worth a shot. No one ever got anywhere by not trying right?
And hey, if physical violence isn’t your thing, go D2: The Mighty Ducks style and just pull their shirt up over their head, rendering them momentarily blind. It’ll make you feel better and make them look a fool.
*Some might call these penalty boxes. Those people are not Amanda.
- CSN: Hockey more violent now? You kidding? (csnne.com)
- Minor league hockey fight breaks out before ceremonial puck drop (video) (offthebench.nbcsports.com)
- A Day in the Life of a Hockey Player in California (gongshowgear.com)