Puzzle 307, You Have Ruined Me.

Remember back when you were 8 years old and the cool kid in your class at school would have a fantastic themed birthday party. Everyone in class would be handed a card with the Looney Tunes gang inviting you to a good old-fashioned b-day party. And even if you didn’t want to go to the party, you had to. It was the event of the year.

With gift-wrapped Barbie (or Hot Wheels cars depending on the sex of the birthday person) in hand you’d slowly make your way to their front door. Very hesitantly you’d ring the doorbell and be welcomed into a Looney Tunes heaven. Bugs, Daffy, Taz, the whole gang was there to welcome you. After 2 hours of Looney Tunes cake, ice cream, and pin the beak on Daffy Duck it would finally be time to go home. As you exited the party the birthday girl (or boy) would reluctantly hand you a goodie bag. You’d take it and maintain your composure and wait until you got to your car to rip that thing open and see what was inside. Themed pencils, erasers, a some candy was the norm, but sometimes, if you were lucky, there would be a slide puzzle in there.

8 little squares inside one large square, forming some kind of animal picture. You’d slide those little squares around until the original image was indistinguishable and then you’d set forth on your journey to put that picture back together. Hours would be spent sliding square to the right and then back to left, up and down and every which way you could. For a week that would be your obsession. You were determined to get that picture back and to no avail, you were unsuccessful. Each and every day you would strain your fingers to solve this puzzle until eventually you either popped out the pieces and put them back in the right order, or just got angry and threw the darn thing away. I was convinced that those puzzles were of the devil. Until I found the grown-up version of slide puzzles.

Several months ago I downloaded a free game on my phone. A harmless little game called Unblock Me. The goal is to shift brown block around and clear a path for the red block to escape through a hole in the wall. It started out easy enough. 3 or 4 moves and I was done and onto the next level. I breezed through the beginner levels and made it to intermediate. Then I got to puzzle #307.

This in itself is depressing because that means I’ve successfully played at least 306 puzzles. That’s way too many puzzles for a 23 year old to have played. (Realistically, I should be out socializing and whatnot) But this puzzle 307 has been sent to ruin my life. For the past 3 weeks I have attempted to win. Every spare second I have, I slide those stupid brown block around. I move them in every possible direction, only to have them return to the exact space in which they started.

I cannot beat this puzzle. Every time I decide to quit, it sucks me back in. I don’t know what to do. It consumes me. I see puzzle 307 in my sleep. It’s become my obsession. Even now, as I write this, I’m thinking up a new game plan to win. And it’s not going to happen. I don’t know why I keep trying.

I haven’t seen the sun in weeks because I’m constantly trying to outsmart this app. It has become my foe and I have to defeat it. If it takes me another 3 months so be it, I will succeed. Puzzle 307….YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!

But seriously guys, I need help. Either help on solving the puzzle or mental help in the form of an intervention. I’ll accept either at this point.

Sometimes I’m a Moron

Confession time:

My first two years of college were spent being a moron.

I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning doing absolutely nothing of substance. I’d go to Walmart at 1 am with all the weirdies just to buy $5 movies. I’d walk around outside the dorms knocking on windows, basically being really annoying, because apparently I did not want to have any friends. And after I stayed up so late doing nothing but causing shenanigans, I had a difficult time getting to class. And if I did actually make it to class I had a hard time paying attention and rather than take notes, I perfected my doodles. Life was rough for me as a middle class girl attending college at her private liberal arts university.*

Then junior year came along and decided to kick it into gear. I was not going to be a moron anymore. I was going to be a golden child the last 2 years of college. I was going to get all A’s, go to all my classes and I was going to be all-around AWESOME. (Also to save money I moved off campus. It was a lot harder to cause shenanigans by knocking on dorm windows when my neighbors were my parents, living upstairs. They probably would have just slapped me) I came up with this brilliant idea, that if I had a long break between classes I could go to the library to study rather than waste my time and gas driving home. If I utilized that break to my advantage I would become super brilliant and be an honor roll student.

So that’s what I did. Everyday between my 9:00 and my 11:00 classes I traveled the long treacherous sidewalk to the library. I dodged bicycles, skateboards and the general walk-and-text-and-don’t-look-where-I’m-going college students.

Once I safely made it to the library I would travel many feet to the very back corner where there was specific little cubicle that I would sit at to do my studies**. I sat in this same spot everyday. But on this particular day, someone was in my cubicle. I don’t know if no one told them that was where I sat every single day, but they rudely took over my space. I did not know what to do. First I just stood and stared at them for a good 10 seconds. I then decided against having a rumble right there in the library. I acted as the bigger person and found another table. The only table left was not a prime studying table. It was smack dab in the middle of the library. It might as well have been in the middle of Grand Central Station. But I plopped myself down right there and pulled out my laptop. “It’s very loud in here.” I thought to myself and decided to listen to some Pandora radio. I pulled out my headphones and let the music take me away.

As I sat there listening to my Pandora Radio and playing my game of solitaire I noticed people walking by and looking at me.

“Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo”

That’s weird that everyone keeps looking at me. The must just be jealous of my super diligent studying. Or maybe I just look really cool today. Oh well. I’ll just get back to my solitaire game and this delightful Tim McGraw/Nelly collab.

“I can’t wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it’s a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh”

Seriously. Do I look really attractive today or what? Why do these males keep looking at me. MAN THIS IS A GOOD DAY! Oh 8 on the 9! Nailed it! I’m super good at solitaire

“But I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
(I can’t go on not loving you)”

Okay. Seriously. What is going on. I’m just sitting here. Maybe they know I’m playing solitaire. It is kind of weird that I would go to the library to play solitaire instead of study but I’m going to keep doing it anyway. Haha stupid people who keep staring at me! You can’t stop me. I do what I want.

“Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo”

This is a great song. It’s been forever since I heard it. I can’t believe these guys haven’t had more collaborations. Sing it McGraw. Sing it Nelly! They make beautiful musi….why does that guy keep looking at me?

“I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now 
And this choice I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh”

SING IT NELLY!!! Okay. This is just getting ridiculous. I’m about to just stand up and ask why everyone is looking at me. WHAT THE HECK? Am I being Punk’d?

“I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
(I can’t go on not loving you)”

I can’t go on not loooving you……ya ya ya ya… Man I love this song. It’s kind of embarrassing to be listening to it. Ha. Good thing no one knows what song I’m listening to right now. THAT’D BE EMBARRASSING! Stop looking at me guys!

“Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again 
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo”

I can’t take it…..Can’t shake it! NO-o-o-o-o-o!! THERE’S ANOTHER ONE STARING AT ME. STOP IT YOU GUYS! Do I have a booger or what?

“(Now that I’ve realized that I’m going down
From all this pain you’ve put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
I can’t go on not loving you)”

I can’t go on not looo-vvvv-in’ yo-o-o-o-ooooo!!! Oh king queen ace! I win I win I win. Could this day get any better? Hey. Stop it guy. Look somewhere else. I’m not a piece of meat to be gawked at.

“Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo”

OH Gosh. That is such a great song. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

At this point I look down to see the yellow cord of my headphones dangling free, unattached to my computer. Thus Nelly and Tim McGraw have been serenading the entire first floor of the library. I shut my computer, pack it away and walked out of the library as if nothing strange had just occurred, meanwhile I was very much dying inside.

Turns out all my efforts to not be a moron my junior year of college had become null and void. I had already become a moron and it was only the first month of the school year. A few weeks later I would walk all the way to class with a 2 and half foot trail of toilet paper attached to my shoe, but that’s a story for another day.

That is why I no longer ever go to the library to listen to Nelly and Tim McGraw sing about lost loves. I now only listen to them in the safety of my own home.

And that is prime example numero uno as to why I can never escape my innate ability to be a moron.

*Obviously it was not. This is a joke. I hope no one gets offended.
**Play solitaire