What The Heck Hollywood??

Hey Hollywood!

Let me start off by saying, huge fan of chick flicks. I love it when the adorable loser meets a girl through a series of happenstance. Then, you know, love. And of course, through another series of misunderstandings, there’s a break up. But in the end the guy gets the girl and love is all they need to be happy. I love it. It’s a perfect little world they live in.

As a 20-something female, I have seen pretty much every chick flick you have to offer me. And quite frankly, I have a beef to discuss with you.

First of all, the females in your movies are incredibly quirky and all of them are flight attendants. Um, not every young hip, quirky female looking for love does this. Some of them are…shoot, I don’t know, preschool teachers. Just tossing out ideas here. And most of them work regular jobs with regular 9-5 hours. They don’t have the leisure of wandering over to the local coffee shop to ‘hang’ with their other single female friends to gossip about their love lives or lack thereof. And if they can’t go chill at coffee shops how are they supposed to clumsily spill their coffee causing a handsome stranger to hand them napkins? And if a handsome stranger doesn’t hand them napkins how are they going to lock eyes and fall in love? Huh? Doesn’t seem possible, now does it?

Secondly, not every male rides a motorcycle. Nor do they all have slightly wavy brownish hair, a la Orlando Bloom. Also what do these guys in your movies do for a living? They are literally never at work. All they do is relax in bars and at the homes of their buddies who have families already. They’re just always hanging out, discussing how they will never settle down, while their buddies wife offers to set them up with a nice girl. And if they’re never at work, how do they afford those motorcycles anyway? And how do they ‘woo’ the adorkable females? They’re always buying flowers and such, but you can’t do that without money, right? But they must have some money because they’re also at that delightful little coffee shop, partaking in delicious caffeinated beverage. So that’s weird.

I guess what I’m getting at here, is that your movies are full of lies.

I’m a young, hip, adorable, 20-something*. I’m clumsy and do many stupid things.** I spill my coffee, no one cleans it up for me. I drop bags of groceries, no one helps me by picking them up. I’ve made eye contact with handsome strangers, but generally it gives me the heebie-jeebies rather than causing me to fall in love. What’s that about?

So, here’s where you come in. I’d like to see is a chick-flick that portrays love as it really works.

Two young professionals, each too self-involved to notice the other. They complain about their lack of love, but do nothing to try to solve their problems because, again, they’re incredibly self-involved. Then one day an old lady, a mutual friend of the two, takes it upon herself to make these young folk meet. They are introduced by the old lady, we’ll call her Florence, and they don’t hate each other. Through a slow building friendship, mostly facebook/twitter based, they eventually develop love-like feelings towards one another and date for a period of 3-6 years before mutually deciding they should get married and have a family together.

Or maybe just a movie where the female is forced to stay single for the rest of her life because, despite the fact that she lives in a town full of young attractive men, she’s not capable of forming a relationship with any of them, especially the brawny hockey like ones. I mean, I’m just throwing out ideas again. You don’t have to run with this.

That’s what the world needs guys. A realistic chick flick. I’m calling upon you to do this for me Hollywood. Mainly because I don’t have a million dollars to make a film, otherwise I’d do it myself and I’d cast a delightful young actress (me), as the main character. (And just as an FYI, I’d probably throw Shea Weber in there as the male counterpart)

I’ll just be here waiting for it to hit theaters this fall okay?

 

*And by young, hip, adorable, I mean, I’m a 23-year-old preschool teacher who goes to bed at 10:30 everyday and only uses my tv to watch the NHL network.
**By clumsy and do stupid things, I mean, I’m clumsy and do stupid things.

Where’s My Big Break?!?

I’d like to be a millionaire. I’m not shy about this. I’ve been waiting almost 23 years for my big break into stardom. And as of now…nada. No one has discovered me in a shopping mall. No one has seen me on the street and offered me a million dollar contract. It’s just not happening like I’ve been lead to believe by many a sitcom. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to take things into my own hands.

Unfortunately I don’t have many skills to offer the world. But the few I do possess are incredible. And I am really good at them.

I rock a super mean cardigan.
I am serious about this. I rock the layered look. In fact it was 75 degrees today in Nashville. I still threw on a cardigan. Why? Well because of a little thing callled fashion. Fashion trumps temperature. I’ll take a heat stroke before I give up my talent for wearing a cardigan.

I've got one just like this!

I can name the nationalities of all the Nashville Predators.
This doesn’t seem like a very useful ability. And I’ll be honest, it has served no purpose for my life thus far. I’ve used to prove people wrong. That’s about it. But Finland and Sweden are not the same place. The world needs to know this.

Good old fashioned hockey hug between a Belarusian and a Canadian.

I’m really good at paper plate crafts.
Need a lion? Done. Fish? No problem. Kite? Absolutely! Mickey Mouse head band? For sure! Give me anything and I’ll make it out of a paper plate. My number one medium for crafts in my classroom at work is paper plates. So ya, I’m pretty good at paper plates.

What an adorable paper plate penguin

I know all the lyrics to Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey.
I’m sure this skill will serve me well someday in a karaoke contest. As of now all it provides me with is the ability to annoy those around me, and maybe even lose friends. So that’s nice.


I’m really good at jumping on bandwagons.
Recently the Nashville Predators had a prodigal son moment with the return of Alexander Radulov from the KHL. I had no knowledge about him yet I have welcomed him back with open arms as if he were my long lost lover. I don’t even know if he’s good at hockey. I’ve heard he is, but I don’t know from personal experience. But you know what? I love him, because i have jumped on the A-Rad bandwagon and I’m perfectly happy here.

Alexander RADULOV (Russia) - 7536

There he is. My new favorite Russian.

So if you guys know any talent scouts who are looking for someone who can sing like an angel, wear a fashionable sweater, point them to the nearest Czechoslovakian, and make a paper plate alien all while keeping up with the most popular things of today and abandoning those of yesterday, go ahead and send them my way.

Until then I’ll just be sitting here waiting to be discovered by a stranger from Hollywood. Then I will become a millionaire. Don’t worry, you guys can say you knew me before I was famous, I won’t forget the little people!

Things I Wish I’d Learned Before the Age of 22

As children we are fed many lies. Mostly lies to make us behave or to trick us into learning new information. I smack myself in the head a lot because I spent so much of my young life learning or working towards certain things that no longer serve any purpose in my life. If someone had told me as a child that 90% of what I was focused on then would no longer matter now, I could have saved myself hours of blood, sweat and tears. That’s why I have compiled this list. So hopefully I can help someone out and they won’t feel as stupid at the age of 22 for not realizing these things sooner.

I won’t use algebra all the time, in fact I never use it.
Teachers tried to convince me I’ll need simple algebra for everything from figuring tips to deciding how much paint it will take to paint a room. Not true. At all. I never use algebra. Ever. For many reason. First I work with 3 year olds, the most math I do is counting to 30. Don’t need algebra for that. Second, I have a calculator. That can figure tips and keep track of my grocery purchases. And third, there aren’t x’s and y’s just sitting around waiting to be solved. There just aren’t. Essentially, if you’re not a mathematician, you won’t need algebra.

I will not HAVE to use cursive in high school.
My third grade teacher taught us to write in cursive with the threat that when we got to junior high and high school we would only be allowed to write in cursive. False. I have not written in cursive since the third grade. She lied to us. And now I possess a useless life skill that I utilize zero percent of the time.

Beanie Babies won’t stay cool forever.
Between the ages of 6 and 12, I wasted most of my hard-earned cash on animal shaped bean bags. I vacuumed many floors and put away infinite clean dishwasher loads in order to earn money for those darn things. I spent hours hunting down a rare bunny while on vacation in Canada because it was selling for $500. I wasn’t going to sell it, why did I do that? Because they were AWESOME. My mother tried to buy me fake beanie babies so I could be as cool as all the kids at school. Nope. They had to have that little heart tag in order for you to gain acceptance. I collected at least 50. (which I realize is not as many as most crazy people, but I didn’t have a real career to support my habit. If beanie babies were still cool I’d probably spend WAY too much money on them) And now I have none. I rid myself of all the bean bag animals. Because they were pointless. (Also it’s weird for a 22-year-old to have that many toys just hanging around) I wish I had all those $7 dollar bags o’ beans back. I might be a hundred-aire by now.

Romantic comedies are not realistic.
I have dropped things in public plenty of times. Not once has some handsome stranger come up to me to help me pick up my items. Nor has a handsome stranger caught my eye contact, immediately fell in love with and begin courting me. No mishaps occurred that made myself and this handsome stranger part ways for a few weeks only to have the handsome stranger, who is no longer a stranger, but the love of my life, sing me an off-key song in a smokey bar to win my heart back. This has never happened. And I’m beginning to think it will never happen. Also most men do not look like Orlando Bloom. What a hoax Hollywood. I want my money and my heart back. I’ve wasted hours of my life waiting for such a scenario to happen and nothing. I’m super mad about this.

If I want a husband, all I need is a sign at a sporting event.
I don’t know why no one told me this sooner. I’ve spent years trying to have endearing qualities and a nice personality, while at every sporting event numerous girls are holding up signs proposing marriage to young male athletes. Obviously the success rate on this method has to be pretty high, why would so many people do it if it didn’t work? I don’t know why I’ve been trying so hard to be desirable to men. All I need is a sign and a nice smile, then BAM! Husband. And that’s why I’ve made this sign to take to Brandon Yip and after tomorrow night I will be Mrs. Yip!*

 

I hope that this list has saved many from learning useless skills and focusing too much energy on stupid collections/gaining a husband. If I can offer one service to the world, I hope it is through this. Good luck! And stop practicing your cursive! No one uses that, in fact no one can even read it!

 

*Amanda is not really taking that sign to a Predators game. She’s not that desperate. Also she realizes that the signs don’t accomplish anything. ‘Yip-Check’ is a trademarked term by Amanda. Okay, so it’s not really trademarked, but she said it once and thinks she’s really clever because he checks people in hockey all the time. If Amanda were to make a sign for real it would not be for Brandon Yip, but she doesn’t have clever name puns for any other players.

 

Hey Benjamin Button, Help Me Age Backwards!

I wish I could go back to when I was 3. I don’t want to go back in time DeLorean style, but if I could turn into a 3-year-old with the knowledge I currently possess (which is not much) that would be pretty freaking great.

Why 3, you ask? Well 3 year-olds can say whatever the heck they want. They have no filters. Absolutely none. I had this conversation with a child just two days ago:

3 year-old “Where are your other shoes? I like those ones….The grey ones with the buttons.”
Me -“Oh? Should I wear those tomorrow?”
3 year-old – “Ya. And don’t wear that shirt. I don’t like it.”

If any grown up person had told me flat out they didn’t like my shirt, I would have considered punching them right in the face. But because an adorable little guy with a southern accent said it to me I wasn’t offended. (I will admit when another child looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t like you.” I was offended. I am very likable you guys!)

If I suddenly became 22-year-old me in 3-year-old me’s body I can only imagine the joyous times I would have. Those thoughts I keep in my head…I would say ALL OF THEM.

If some stranger with a beard tried to make conversation with me while waiting in line at Walmart I would turn around and say, “I don’t want to talk to you, you’re creepy and quite frankly you smell like poop.” The bearded stranger wouldn’t be offended. He would just laugh it off because my 3 year-old rudeness was adorable!

When obnoxious young men in big trucks drive next to my car revving their engines, I would roll down my window and say, “Hey buttface. No one thinks it’s cool that your car is loud. In fact most of us think you’re trying to make up for your lack of masculinity. So stop it. You’ll never get a woman that way.” They would be so shocked with my frankness that they couldn’t even be mad that I said it! It would be awesome! (Actually this one would not work….mainly because 3 year-olds cannot drive)

And to the guy at work the other day who used m&m’s as an object lesson to teach children that we’re all different colors but the same on the inside, I would say, “Excuse me sir. We are 3. We don’t realize that we have different skin colors. We just see other kids. And in teaching this lesson you have actually pointed out to us the different races in this room. We didn’t see skin colors until you pointed this out with your m&m lesson. So thanks for introducing us 3 year-olds to racism!!” He would probably just be really amazed at my great communication skills. I would probably leave that guys speechless. (Also I might say this as a 22 year-old. That guy was really stupid. I wanted to punch him)

Then there would be the average everyday conversations. Things like, “Your haircut looks really bad.”, “Please stop touching your ring. I’m not going to ask you about it.”, and “I can see your butt crack when you bend down with those skinny jeans on.”

I would be the best 3 year-old ever. I could help people out by being adorable while pointing out their flaws without them being offended. I could single-handedly stop this phenomena of jeggings*, by simply asking all women wearing them why they don’t have pants on. (I would also attempt to stop that terrible thing males do where they cut out the armpits of their shirts causing me to be able to see their nipples. What the heck is that about. Why not just go shirtless at that point?)

So if anyone has any connections to Benjamin Button, I’d be interested in aging backwards. I’d really like to be able to speak freely without offended others.

Or maybe I’ll just start saying everything that pops into my head. Who needs friends anyway right?

If she says you look fat, you're not even mad!

*Secretly I’m just jealous that I can’t rock the jeggings. I have disproportionately large calves. I would look ridiculous.

Hollywood, Leave the Monkeys Alone!

Growing up some of the best movies that I watched involved misfit kids who overcame adversity. Movies like The Sandlot, The Mighty Ducks, The Big Green. Those are classics. Those misfits came together, solved a problem, became good at sports, and even won championships. Small children everywhere become inspired and immediately joined a sports team in hopes of being on a championship team. I was not the child inspired by those sports movies. I was inspired by monkey movies.

Dunston Checks In, Ed, and Rocketman. Monkey’s dressed like humans acting like humans. This was the greatest. I watched those darn monkeys walking around in baseball uniforms and bellhop clothes and all I wanted was a monkey that I could dress as a human. Forget the fact that having a monkey is probably a terrible idea because they fling dung and screech really loud. I wanted a monkey. I wanted one bad. I might even still want one, but my grown up logical reasoning tells me I shouldn’t buy a monkey. (Valentine’s day is Wednesday. If anyone’s looking for a last-minute present for me, I would still take a monkey.)

It came to my attention recently that children today are not receiving the joy of monkey movies that I had growing up. I haven’t seen a Monkey in human clothes playing sports in years. I might even say that Hollywood is doing a disservice to children and monkeys in general. The monkey movies of today are giving monkeys a bad reputation.

Outbreak, a monkey is responsible for the spread of an incredibly contagious disease that kills thousands of people. Rise of Planet the of the Apes, the monkey gets out of control, reeks havoc everywhere, and even bites a man’s finger off.

WHAT ARE WE DOING TO THE MONKEYS?? Monkeys are cute and possess human qualities. They play baseball with Matt Leblanc, go to space with Harland Williams and befriend a young boy in a hotel. THEY DON’T SPREAD DISEASE OR BITE PEOPLE’S FINGERS OFF! (there’s a chance that these things could happen, but I choose to remain ignorant) How will this generation of children find the love and joy of monkeys in human clothes if they are scared for their lives? This will never work. We need a new monkey movie. And that is why I have come up with this simple movie plot that I’m taking to Hollywood. It will bring monkey joy to thousand of children around the world and they will no longer fear for their phalanges.

The setting, New York City, the summer of 2012. A life-hardened businessman, Stanley, is looking for joy in his life. His family has left him because he puts his job first. In walks Chachi, the happy chimp who has recently escaped from the Bronx Zoo. Stanley thinks he’s losing his mind because he keeps seeing this chimp everywhere. Finally he comes to acceptance of the realness of Chachi and decides to take care of him and make him his friend because he has no others as he has alienated all of his real friends. He dresses him in business suits and slowly falls in love with Chachi. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings Stanley’s family finds out about Chachi. They see that Stanley has changed and is caring deeply for this chimp and he could love them again too. Stanley’s son, Adam, convinces his mother, Leslie, to give Stanley another chance. They fall back in love. The Bronx zoo takes Chachi back. Adam begs for his fathers help in getting Chachi back. Stanley finally caves and they form a coup to get Chachi back. The final scene of the movie is Stanley and Leslie renewing their vows while Chachi obviously acts as the minister. The love of a chimp brings about the renewal of love in a marriage.

Classic chimp movie. Monkeys bring everyone together and make everything better. We don’t need children to be fearful of monkeys. We don’t. Children already have to be wary of strangers, they don’t need to worry about chimps also. If I could just get Hollywood to make this movie, I know I could bring back a happy perception of chimps. Let’s work together to get children to fall in love with monkeys again.

And let’s keep dressing chimps as baseball players because that’s just adorable.