Scotty McCreery: A Commentary


Last week I did something I’m not proud of. I downloaded Scotty McCreery‘s album. You know, Scotty McCreery, the 18-year-old boy who looks like Alfred E. Newman and sings like a 57-year-old man. That guy. I don’t know what came over me. I saw that it was only $7.99 on iTunes, and like that I hit the download button and there he was in all his glory on my iPod. The worst part about all of this is that I enjoyed the music. I liked it. A lot. What is wrong with me. Well, I enjoyed it that is, until I got to the title song, Clear As Day:

“You were sitting on that Silverado bumper
Outside our locker room after the game”

Hey, uh Scotty. Is it not strange to you, that she’s just hanging out on a bumper? And do trucks have bumpers? Isn’t it more of a tailgate? I’m not really ‘southern’ like you, I don’t know much. Also what kind of game? Clearly you’re telling a story here. I need more details to have a better mental picture of what’s happening.

“Glowing in the tan you got that summer”

Ok, so it’s summer. We’re probably talking baseball here. That’s pretty much the only summer sport, unless she’s still sporting her tan from the summer and it’s fall, in which case you could be playing basketball or football. I still don’t know. I’m going baseball, though because I enjoy it more.

“I walked by and you said ‘hey’
Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

Hold up. All she said was “Hey”? That line works Scotty? You mean all I need to do to hook a man is just say, ‘hey’? I might give that whirl sometime. Thanks for the tips!

“First time we’d ever beat East Lincoln county
Big party down at Ricky Bowman’s place”

Wait. Where’s East Lincoln county? Are they your rivals? And who’s Ricky Bowman? Is his place cool? What’s it like? Was there a bonfire? A hayride? Movies? What did you do there? Was there booze, because you are underage Scotty. Not okay. I’m really upset with your lack of details here my friend. I need more. You are not painting a very good word picture for me.

“I walked up, you threw your arms around me
And whispered you loved to watch me play
Yeah that night’s still Clear As Day”

Awwww….how cute. And sort of creepy. Why did she whisper it? That’s a little sketch man. I’m not sure about her, but you seem to be okay with her. By the way, what’s her name?

“There ain’t one second, times erased
Every detail is still in place
You hold to what you love
Some things never fade
And that night’s still Clear As Day”

Wow Scotty. That is insightful. I’m not even mad. That’s a pretty deep thought for someone who looks like the guy from Mad Magazine.

“We went to get some fresh air on the back porch
I put my class ring by the cross on your gold chain
You backed my back against those cedar clapboards
My lips ain’t never been kissed that way
Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHOA!! You guys are moving pretty fast Scotty! You gave her your class ring?? You guys are pretty much married now. You’re like 12, slow down there buddy. And she is forceful, what with the backing you into cedar clapboard and kissing you and what not. Also are you old enough to be smooching? I don’t even think I’m old enough and I’m 23. But I’m still kind of scared of cooties, so whatever, to each his own.

“There ain’t one second, times erased
Every detail is still in place
You hold to what you love
Some things never fade”

Again, I’m not even mad about this. You’re a wise man Scotty.

“I walked you to your brother’s Silverado
When he climbed behind the wheel he seemed okay
Last thing you said is I’ll call you tomorrow
That’s a call you never got to make
They blamed it on the fog and pouring rain
And that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHAAATTT????!!! What just happened???? Scotty!! This song was so happy, you were falling in love and now SHE’S DEAD?? What kind of song is this? Why did you make me all happy and nostalgic and lovey dovey for the first part of this song only to drop an 20 ton brick on my head and say, “oh, hey, by the way, this girl that’s super great that I was going steady with and stuff…well, she’s actually dead. Ya. Her brother crashed in the fog and now she’s dead. But I’m cool with it now, I even wrote a song about it.” Well Scotty, I’m not cool with it. You either have a happy song or you have a sad song. You CANNOT try to have both. I am just very upset with the way this turned out in the end. And now, since she’s DEAD, I’ll never know who she is. And that’s the very worst part. You painted a terrible word picture and now I”ll never even know who she was. Not even a name.

Stupid Scotty McCreery. Stupid. I was super happy and now, well, now I’m just going to crawl into a fetal position and question my whole life. So thanks a lot Scotty.

[Disclaimer: I seem to ruffle feathers when I add my own personal comments to country songs. People are really touchy about their country music. Many were upset when I mocked the popular Little Big Town hit, Pontoon, but seriously that’s a weird song. I’m not even sorry about that. So to clarify, because apparently I need to, this is written in the tone of ‘humor’, you know, like ‘ha ha, that’s clever’ stuff like that. Also, if someone says to me, ‘maybe you should listen to the songs stupid. Then you’ll understand.” Um…I bought the whole album for 7.99 on iTunes, and while I’m not proud of this fact, I actually enjoy the thing. It makes me twitch thinking about it, but ya, I enjoy Scotty McCreery, ok, so get off my back]

iTunes, You Are A Delight

How can I be inspired if you won’t let me keep Journey?

Hi iTunes!

Amanda here! Or perhaps you know me by my username, adbadley. You probably also know that we have a fantastic relationship. I hear a song on the radio that I particularly enjoy, you are the first person I come to. I hear rumors of a new John Mayer album, you are my number one contact. What? Drake has a new single? Hello iTunes! You have music from A-Z, everything I could ever dream of, it’s right there in your library.

And you even keep my guilty pleasures a secret. No one has to know about that Bon Jovi album I purchased or that time I bought Don’t Stop Believin’ solely to inspire myself to greatness. You don’t tell anyone. And I appreciate that iTunes, I do. We have many secrets. Unfortunately that is where our great relationship ends because you have also been a source of great anger and rage in my life.

Here’s the thing. It’s cool that iPods hold the 57 days worth of music just like you, and it’s super awesome that I can carry all 57 days with me at all times in a tiny little metal box. But you know what’s not neat? When my computer dies and I can no longer sync my iPod to you. You are so very kind as to give me the option of ‘deleting all music’, but I don’t want to do that. Why would you even think I wanted to even consider that? Are you an idiot? I spent years building up my music library so as to have a song to fit every mood and every situation. If I delete all my music and start over how will the people driving next to me know that I’m feeling melancholy if I’m not blasting some Adele?

Sure you’re really great at helping the artists get their money for their music and what not, but why can’t I take the songs that are on my iPod and put them wherever I freaking want? It’s my iTunes account, it’s my iPod, it’s my computer. I should be able to do with them what I want. If I wanted to flush my iPod down the toilet I could, but if I want to sync my iPod with a new computer, no can do. Why do you do this to me? It’s like you want to hurt me.

I have a tendency to break computers and every time that happens, I have to load the songs that I have purchased onto the new computer, delete absolutely everything off of my iPod and then start from scratch. But I can only do that 5 times. Once I’ve broken 5 computer and moved to the 6th one, well I’m just flat out of luck. And what about all of those cd’s that I spent collecting throughout my junior high and high school years? Well I have to reload every single one of them to you on my new computer. I didn’t even buy those songs from you, so why can’t you transfer them, huh? Is it strictly because you want to make my life miserable? Because, let me tell you, it is working.

So I guess what I’m saying here iTunes is:

a. You’re super cool cause you have all the music I could possibly ever want to purchase.
b. It’s also super cool that I can take the music from you and put it on my iPod to allow me to carry an entire music library in my pocket.
c. Despite all your awesome qualities, I sort of hate you.
d. Why can’t I sync my iPod to whatever computer I want?
e. Is this Steve Job’s doing? I heard he was sort of jerk. It has nothing to do with copyrights does it? He probably wanted to make everyone’s life miserable just for his own joy.
f. Even though you suck and I had to delete my iPod and start completely over, I’m still not going to end my relationship with you, because I have attachment issues.

So I guess this is goodbye for now. I’ll be busy for the next 6 weeks reloading all my cd’s onto you. But don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I hear a new Jason Aldean song on the radio.

I just can’t quit you!

I Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Touch Electronics

I have a lot of talents. And I mean A LOT.

For instance, I’m very good at forgetting passwords. Technically that’s not my fault though. They* say to have a different password for every account you have. So I have a password for Facebook, one for twitter, another one for me email, a 4th one for my online banking and so on. Thus it is understandable why I forget every password at least once a week.

I’m also really good at getting hangnails and then picking at them until they bleed. Again, not really my fault. The things are incredibly irritating.

I can quote stupid movies. That is a very useful talent for one to possess. People love a good “count on pee-drinking crap-face” now and again. It’s a great one for parties.

I can make a mean chocolate pie.

I know a lot of useless hockey statistics. I would say that could come in handy if you were on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and had a hockey related question. You could use me as your phone a friend, but they changed the way that show works, so this talent is not even helpful for that now.

And my best talent is purchasing expensive electronic gadgets and ruining them. I’m super great at that.

It started my freshman year of college. I had a dell desktop computer. It broke. 6 months after I purchased it, it just stopped working. Super.

Junior year of college, I bought myself a dell laptop. It was green and super awesome. Guess what? It stopped working as well. But this time I was smarter, I had a warranty. I got my delightful green laptop fixed. Then something fantastic happened. I dropped it. Right off my desk during class, just dropped it right onto the floor. So after that the screen just sort of fell backwards when open, rather than standing erect as it should.

My junior year of college I also decided to invest in an iPod touch. Did you know those things do not like nail polish remover? One would assume that they probably wouldn’t, but that didn’t stop me from dumping a whole bottle of it on my iPod. Also did you know that apple warranty’s do not cover that sort of accident? Who knew that stupidity wasn’t covered.

More recently I purchased another laptop. I wish I could say that this purchase was more successful. But nope. It fell off my bed a week after I bought it. Aaand now the screen doesn’t work. At all. I might as well not even have a screen and just sit with a keyboard and only a keyboard. That’s how useful it is to me. It is incredible difficult to use a computer when you can’t see what is on the screen. In fact, I might venture to say, it is impossible.

And that brings me to the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

I purchased a Macbook. My computer/Apple product track record is not good. In fact,it’s terrible. I break everything. I don’t know why I did what I did. I’m only setting myself up for failure here. I go and purchase one of the most expense laptops that exist and decided it would be safe for me to have? What is wrong with me? Although thus far, I’ve had it for a 3 and a half hours and it’s still working so, not too shabby.

I won’t be surprised if it suddenly combusts right in front of me. Or a tornado comes and blows it away. This would not shock me, mainly because I am me. And that is what I do. I break things. It is my one true talent in life. If you need something broken, I’ll do it. I don’t even need to touch it. I just need to be in its presence and poof! Broken. I am so good at breaking valuable items.

And that is why immediately after posting this I’m going to put this Macbook back in it’s box and never touch it ever, ever again. I can’t break it if it’s not in my hands right?

And even if I do manage to break it without touching it, I purchased the 3 year Apple Care plan. So suck on that, computer! You won’t win this one!

*I like to imagine ‘they’ is a collective group of men who wear suspenders and snort when they laugh. This makes life more fun for me.