I’m Sorry, But Are You Singing A Song About A Pontoon?

Just yesterday I was driving to work, when suddenly the most unsettling thing happened to me.

I was minding my own business, listening to the top country hits of today on WSIX The Big 98, and then it happened. A catchy Little Big Town tune started playing. At least it seemed catchy. My head may have even begun to bop along and then the magical voices in the radio began to sing.

“Back this hitch up into the water 
Untie all the cables and rope 
Step onto the astro turf 
Get yourself a coozie 
Let’s go”

Pardon me? What hitch? I only know of one hitch and that’s a movie starring Will Smith and Kevin James. Is that what you’re talking about? It was a pretty terrible movie, so I hope not. And AstroTurf? Are we playing baseball at the Rogers Centre in Toronto? They have AstroTurf. (FYI, my computer says you are spelling astro turf wrong. It should look like this AstroTurf) Coozie? Did you really just use the phrase, “get yourself a coozie” in a song, that’s being played on the radio? What the heck am I listening to?

“Who said anything about skiin’? 
Floatin’ is all I wanna do 
You can climb the ladder 
Just don’t rock the boat while I barbecue”

Um. No one said anything about “skiin”, as you call it. We’re talking about a terrible movie about matchmaking and playing baseball in Canada. This is your song, shouldn’t you be aware of this? Idiot. And what are we floatin’ on? Turf? You can’t float on turf, it’s made of plastic. Also what ladder are you climbing? Are we floating in the air? Is this song about doing drugs?? Oh. You’re in a boat. Now it all makes sense? (nope)

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Ok, so you’re on a pontoon. Which, since I’m clearly not as country as you, I looked up and it looks something like this: So needless to say I’m having a problem with the whole “catchin’ rays up on the roof” thing. There’s no roof here. I’m really starting to think this song is about drugs. Also if I jump out of the back are you going to stop “making waves”? I don’t want to be abandoned in the middle of the lake/ocean/river/wherever you are. Sure you’re partying in slow motion, but I’m not a real strong swimmer, I probably couldn’t catch up. Ummm….you’re ending the chorus with motorboatin’? That’s a bold choice there guys.

“(Who who who)”

I don’t know. I thought it was probably you guys, who were singing the song, but now I don’t know.

“Reach your hand down into the cooler 
Don’t drink it if the mountains aren’t blue 
Try to keep it steady as you recline on your black inner-tube”

Ok. So booze seems to be playing a role in this song. That definitely makes sense. Also did you get money from whatever beer company makes those cans with the mountains that turn blue? YOu should if you didn’t. But I’m confused. When did you get into a inner-tube? And is the cooler floating? Are you still…motorboatin’?

“Pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
Out here in the open 
Mmmmmm…motorboatin’ “

Yep. Still motorboatin’. Good to know.

“(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

If you don’t know, I’m certain that I have no idea.

“5 mile an hour with aluminum side 
Wood panelin’ with a water slide 
Can’t beat the heat, so let’s take a ride”

Wait. Your pontoon has a water slide? And wood paneling. Hold on. Let me google.
Ok. Yep, those are a thing. You must have spent a fortune on your pontoon. And I take back my rude comment about not having a roof. This one clearly has a roof. I apologize for assuming you were an idiot.

“On the pontoon 
Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof 
Jumpin’ out the back, don’t act like you don’t want to 
Party in slow motion 
I’m out here in the open 
Mmmmmmm…motorboatin'”

So weird.

“On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who)”

Again, if you don’t know who’s on your pontoon, I’m sure I don’t. but you should probably not let strangers onto your pontoon.

“Back this hitch out into the water 
On the pontoon 
(Who who who) 
(Who who who)”

Aaaand, now we’re back to a terrible Kevin James movie. Kevin James. Kevin James. I said KEVIN JAMES!! (see what I did there?)

This was quite literally the most confusing 3 minutes and 40 seconds of my life. Are these rednecks? Are they country singers? Is this actually a country song? The song had nothing about heartbreak or dogs in it, so ya, not a country song. Who wrote this and who told Little Big Town it wold be a a good idea to sing this? Someone here in Nashville has dropped the ball and let this one through. I’m pretty upset about this and I’ll probably be sending a forcefully written letter to them soon to let them know my opinion on the stupidity of this song.*

So I’m just going to save you some time. Don’t buy this song on iTunes. You’ll just be left with a confused look on your face and $1.29 less than you had previously.

[Turns out they just premiered the video on people.com today. If I had seen the video first, so many of my questions could have been answered. Also that blonde lady has HUGE hair. So anyway, if you’re curious go here]

*Nope.