Where In The World Is Patrik Elias?

Those of you who aren’t as enamored with hockey as I am may not be aware, but for the past few weeks the world of hockey has been the scene of an unsolved crime.

On June 11, 2012 the Los Angeles Kings overcame a 44 year drought to become first time Stanley Cup Champions. I don’t know if you’ve ever attempted to win a Stanley Cup, but I think it’s pretty difficult. I’ve been trying on my Wii, but they’re not even real people and I still can’t do it. So It’s pretty big deal when your team wins the Stanley Cup. There are parades, champagne showers, lots of cheering, and sometimes an occasional f-bomb in a victory speech. And one thing that’s a tradition, really in any sport, is to keep the game winning puck (or ball in all those other sports) and display it somewhere, where everyone can see it and say, “Hey look! There’s the puck that the Los Angeles Kings used to beat the New Jersey Devils in the Stanley Cup Final. Super neat-o!!” But something terrible happened with this puck. The game winning puck disappeared.

The last anyone knew of the puck was that New Jersey Devil’s left winger Patrik Elias flipped it up into his glove after the final horn of the game. Then Elias proceed to exit the ice and give his stick to a random fellow in the crowd. He disappeared into the locker room for a few unaccounted for minutes then returned to the ice to shake hands with his opponents, at this point in the evening Elias was puck-less.

Now why would Patrik Elias want this puck? Did he want it to display the puck that was used to beat his team? Did he want to hurt the Kings by not allowing them to have it? Was he going to sell it on ebay for millions of czech koruna? No one really knows. All we really know is that the puck disappeared for 2 weeks and 4 days. And then it was found hidden, deep inside Elias duffel bag. Patrik is trying to take the pressure off of himself saying he didn’t know he had it and what not, and he tried to make it better by sending it to the Kings. But no, he is full of lies. He knew exactly where that puck was for those unaccounted days. Why would the puck be in his duffel bag if he hadn’t been traveling the world with Pucky, as I call him? So I did a little digging and you’ll never believe what I found.

As it turns out Patrik Elias fled the country after their loss with puck in hand. He took ol’ Pucky here on a bit of a world-wide excursion.

First they headed to Italy and did a classic “holding up the leaning tower” pose.

Next they jetted over to Paris to visit the Eiffel Tower.

The last leg of the European tour was a trip to Patrik’s home country of Czechoslovakia.

Oh, now this is just cruel. A comically large Stanley Cup champion puck on the Hollywood sign. C’mon Elias, rub it in a little more that you have their puck why don’t you.

Apparently in his world travels he even made a trip with the puck to my own city of Nashville and was hanging out on Broadway. What the heck? How did I not know?

And finally, Patrick and Pucky took a trip to the shore with, well, you know, the Jersey Shore crew. Look how precious Pucky is nestled gingerly in Snooki’s poof like that.

Sure it’s a little weird that he did all these things and then sent the puck back to the Kings, but who am I to judge? Maybe he just wanted a little taste of the victory as well. And when you’re Patrik Elias that means you spend a few special days with a champion hockey puck. I hope you had fun Elias, I hope you did! I’m just glad that Pucky is finally back with his rightful owners.

You Mean New Jersey’s Mascot ISN’T Beelzebub?

The NHL playoffs are almost over. A group of 16 has been narrowed down to a mere 2 teams; the Los Angeles Kings and the New Jersey Devils.

No one could have predicted such an anomaly occurring. What happened to the Penguins / Predators final? Well, they both choked. (which by the way, has led me into a deep, dark, depression, full of catching up on Glee and playing games of NBA Jam. Come back to me Preds!!) And that is why America is left to choose between a team from a land full of celebrities or a team from a land where tan guidos freely roam the streets. Kind of a lose-lose situation if you ask me.

So you’re probably debating on which bandwagon you are going to jump on for the Stanley Cup Finals, right? No? Just me? Oh well. I’m going to continue anyway.

Both teams have their perks but also their…not-perks (what the heck would that word be?)

New Jersey Devils

  • Contrary to popular belief the people of New Jersey do not support Satan. Instead they support the mythical Jersey Devil that resembles a moose with wings. Pro? Maybe?
  • Snooki. Con.
  • Puddy is on their side. Pro, classic Seinfeld episode.
  • Used to be the Kansas City Scouts. Pro, everything from Kansas is great.
  • Only team bold enough to actually declare themselves a part of New Jersey. Con. Why would they want to admit that?
  • Zach ParisePro. Guy is a beaut!

  • 3 Stanley Cups Pro, for experience. Con, because I like underdogs.
  • Not the Nashville Predators. Con. 

Los Angeles Kings
  • Wayne GretzkyPro. DUH. Dude’s a legend.
  • Dustin Brown. Con, kinda looks like a weasel.
  • Anze Kopitar. Pro, makes up for weasel-faced Brown
  • Lion mascot. Con, not real creative for a team in a land full of struggling actors and writers.
  • They chirp super hard on twitter. Pro. HILARIOUS. Check it out: @LAKings
  • Gave tickets to Rainn Wilson in a jello mold. Pro, also hilarious.
  • 8 seed that has won 12 out of the 14 games they’ve played. Pro. Has the makings of a great Disney movie.
  • 0 Stanley Cups. Pro, underdogs
  • Also not the Nashville Predators. Con

So there you go. An exhaustive list* of the best and worst qualities of each team. Do with it what you will.
As for me, well, I like movies where teams overcome adversity and win championships so ya, I’m going with the Kings. Plus I seriously enjoy their twitter.

 *not even close.

This Time I Suck and It’s All My Fault

To the Nashville Predators:

Hi guys. As you know, you just lost your hockey match against the Los Angeles Kings. It seemed to me that all of you have forgotten how to play hockey. Which is questionable being that it’s your job and all.  You get paid to play hockey but you weren’t playing hockey tonight. But what do I know, I’m no color commentator. Well I am, but only to the people sitting near me. (BTW: Do you guys get paid for the games in which you play terribly? Because that doesn’t seem right) Don’t feel bad though. It wasn’t your guys’ fault you lost. It was mine. All mine.

You see, I have this lucky pair of socks I wear to every game. They’re navy blue and have little embroidered turkeys in them. I don’t know how they became lucky, they just are. I don’t question it. I just accept their powers.

I also have a lucky pair of jeans I wear to every game. They’re worn out in all the right places to make them perfect for jumping up to celebrate goals. They also coordinate perfectly with the navy and gold of your jerseys. I’ve never not worn them to a game. You guys win, when these jeans are worn. They are tried and true. And I always wear a tan pair of converse all-stars with the turkey socks and jeans. They’ve been worn so often to Bridgestone Arena that I’m almost positive the smell of beer and nacho cheese is embedded into the fabric of them.

And the final part of my game day ensemble is my Craig Smith jersey. I put that on with my jeans, socks, and shoes and you guys never lose. Never. As long as that exact clothing combination is worn. It’s my lucky game day outfit and I wear it to every single game. (I’m not crazy you guys. You’re hockey players, you should understand superstitions better than anyone)

But tonight I didn’t wear my lucky ensemble. Any of it. I went to the game straight from work. I was wearing black ballet flats and didn’t remember to bring my lucky shoes to change into because I am an idiot. And because I would have looked like a crazy person if I had worn the turkey socks with the flats I opted out of the turkey socks. I had a very small time frame for getting to the game so I had to change my shirt in the car. For the sake of easiness I opted to go with my Jordin Tootoo tee rather than my Craig Smith jersey. I reasoned this out to myself saying “I’m going to the game Thursday. If I wear the jersey dirty it throws everything off and the Preds lose. I don’t have time for laundry between now and Thursday so I’ll save Smith and go with Toots. It’ll be okay.” I was very wrong.

My jeans weren’t right. My shoes were all wrong and I didn’t wear the socks. And just to top off my bad luck ridden outfit, I also wore my cap. I never wear my cap to the games for fear someone will score a hat trick. I didn’t spend $20 on a hat just so i could throw it to you guys for doing your job. But I wore it tonight like some sort of buffoon.

Suffice it to say, I’ll take the blame for this loss boys. The universe was all a-kilter because of me. I threw off your game because I wore the wrong clothes. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m such a jerk for making you guys lose! I’m really sorry and if the Kostitsyn’s wish to strip me of my “Kostitsyn’s #1 Fan” title I fully understand.

Trust me though. I have learned my lesson and Thursday evening I will be there with my worn in jeans. turkey socks, converse tennies and Craig Smith jersey. I might even have some bells and whistles on just for fun.*

So anyway fellas, this time I suck and it’s all my fault. I’m real sorry about that. Won’t happen again.

*Nope. That would ruin the whole ‘universe balance’ thing again

Sorry Toots. My bad for getting you kicked out of the game. But really you shouldn't have pushed that ref. You know better.