What The Heck Hollywood??

Hey Hollywood!

Let me start off by saying, huge fan of chick flicks. I love it when the adorable loser meets a girl through a series of happenstance. Then, you know, love. And of course, through another series of misunderstandings, there’s a break up. But in the end the guy gets the girl and love is all they need to be happy. I love it. It’s a perfect little world they live in.

As a 20-something female, I have seen pretty much every chick flick you have to offer me. And quite frankly, I have a beef to discuss with you.

First of all, the females in your movies are incredibly quirky and all of them are flight attendants. Um, not every young hip, quirky female looking for love does this. Some of them are…shoot, I don’t know, preschool teachers. Just tossing out ideas here. And most of them work regular jobs with regular 9-5 hours. They don’t have the leisure of wandering over to the local coffee shop to ‘hang’ with their other single female friends to gossip about their love lives or lack thereof. And if they can’t go chill at coffee shops how are they supposed to clumsily spill their coffee causing a handsome stranger to hand them napkins? And if a handsome stranger doesn’t hand them napkins how are they going to lock eyes and fall in love? Huh? Doesn’t seem possible, now does it?

Secondly, not every male rides a motorcycle. Nor do they all have slightly wavy brownish hair, a la Orlando Bloom. Also what do these guys in your movies do for a living? They are literally never at work. All they do is relax in bars and at the homes of their buddies who have families already. They’re just always hanging out, discussing how they will never settle down, while their buddies wife offers to set them up with a nice girl. And if they’re never at work, how do they afford those motorcycles anyway? And how do they ‘woo’ the adorkable females? They’re always buying flowers and such, but you can’t do that without money, right? But they must have some money because they’re also at that delightful little coffee shop, partaking in delicious caffeinated beverage. So that’s weird.

I guess what I’m getting at here, is that your movies are full of lies.

I’m a young, hip, adorable, 20-something*. I’m clumsy and do many stupid things.** I spill my coffee, no one cleans it up for me. I drop bags of groceries, no one helps me by picking them up. I’ve made eye contact with handsome strangers, but generally it gives me the heebie-jeebies rather than causing me to fall in love. What’s that about?

So, here’s where you come in. I’d like to see is a chick-flick that portrays love as it really works.

Two young professionals, each too self-involved to notice the other. They complain about their lack of love, but do nothing to try to solve their problems because, again, they’re incredibly self-involved. Then one day an old lady, a mutual friend of the two, takes it upon herself to make these young folk meet. They are introduced by the old lady, we’ll call her Florence, and they don’t hate each other. Through a slow building friendship, mostly facebook/twitter based, they eventually develop love-like feelings towards one another and date for a period of 3-6 years before mutually deciding they should get married and have a family together.

Or maybe just a movie where the female is forced to stay single for the rest of her life because, despite the fact that she lives in a town full of young attractive men, she’s not capable of forming a relationship with any of them, especially the brawny hockey like ones. I mean, I’m just throwing out ideas again. You don’t have to run with this.

That’s what the world needs guys. A realistic chick flick. I’m calling upon you to do this for me Hollywood. Mainly because I don’t have a million dollars to make a film, otherwise I’d do it myself and I’d cast a delightful young actress (me), as the main character. (And just as an FYI, I’d probably throw Shea Weber in there as the male counterpart)

I’ll just be here waiting for it to hit theaters this fall okay?

 

*And by young, hip, adorable, I mean, I’m a 23-year-old preschool teacher who goes to bed at 10:30 everyday and only uses my tv to watch the NHL network.
**By clumsy and do stupid things, I mean, I’m clumsy and do stupid things.

Amanda, The Country Music Star

English: American country musician Brad Paisley.

Image via Wikipedia

I haven’t always been a country music fan. (Or maybe I have I just wouldn’t admit it if I was asked) But since moving to Nashville, it’s basically the only thing they have. Just country music.

Everywhere. Walk outside and there’s always a faint honky tonk in the wind. (this is a lie) Every person I walk by is singing/whistling/humming the newest Dolly Parton hit (this is also a lie).

Basically, what I’m saying is, if I want a career, I have to become a country music star. Unfortunately I don’t know how to play guitar, or sing, or wear a cowboy hat appropriately. So obviously my only other option is to write hit songs for the likes of Taylor Swift and Brad Paisley to sing.

Here’s my first try at a country song. Let me know what you guys think.

Bobby Ray and Me
*any similarities to real life situations or people are purely coincidental, as I know absolutely no one named Bobby Ray, nor have I ever been in a corn field with pig farmers

“I met him in the corn field. He was ridin’ on his tractor.
I can still smell the pig farm on him.
He was drinkin’ Sasparilla with his bud, Little Joe.
I knew it was love, right when I smelled him
The pig farmers tried to warn me,
They knew he’d break my heart that day.
He’s a wandering dog, they’d say.
But who’d guess he’d wander right to me.
I guess I like his smell too much to say…goodbye.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well Bobby Ray broke my heart,
A bottle of Jack became my only friend
Not even my dog could make me,
Happy
I was getting worse everyday.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Last week I reached rock bottom.
I walked into the country church,
And I found Jesus
I dropped that bottle right there that day.
Bobby Ray ran me right into Jesus’ arms
I’m not an alcoholic,
Anymore!

I love you Bobby Ray,
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

I saw him the other day at his mama’s house.
I remember what he said to me there
He said, I’m sorry, I tried to warn you,
I’m a wandering dog, you can’t tie me down.
I said, thanks for breaking my heart,
But I still love you….and your smell.
And then he said, he loved me too.
I guess I knew that smell, was love come true.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
It’s raining here in Nashville
But only in my heart.

Well whod’ve guess.
That smell of pigs,
Would draw me to him.

I love you, Bobby Ray.
I love you.
In my heart.
And I love, your smell”

This is obviously the perfect country song. I mentioned love, heartbreak, then love again, a tractor, a dog, rain, stars, Nashville, someone named Bobby Ray, Little Joe and a mama. As I wrote it I thought all the words in a nasally voice. I touched on every ingredient for a hit country song. Everyone can relate to it. I’m sure of it.

Sure it needs a little tweaking. This is just the first draft. The rhythm is all off, the lyrics are incredibly stupid and don’t make any sense, but otherwise it’s a Grammy award winner. I’ll work on it some more tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even break out the old rhyming dictionary.

Actually no, I’ll probably just go ahead and mail it like this to Taylor Swift tomorrow. She’ll sing pretty much anything.

(Thanks to Edrevets for pointing out my serious neglect of Jesus and alcohol in this country western song. As for the rest of you…well I’m mad at all of you for not letting me know I had failed so terribly.)