Things To Yell At A Baseball Game

a baseball game

A baseball game. Duh.

If you’ve ever attended a baseball game you will understand what I’m about to say, if not, I’m sorry. Perhaps now you can use the time you were going to spend reading this to go do something more fun like play ping-pong. Unless you like to learn in which case, feel free to stay here and keep reading.

In baseball it is perfectly acceptable to shout things at the players. There are enough drunk people around that you can pretty much do whatever without anyone even thinking twice about it. You can taunt players about their inability to play baseball. You can say mean things about their moms, you can even tell them they have a large hindquarters. This is one of the few social settings in which you can feel free to shout whatever you want without any repercussions to your actions*. Shoot, you can even yell things at the umpires if you want. In fact I would highly recommend it if you find yourself growing bored.

Recently I attended a baseball game. This wasn’t just any baseball game, this was a Nashville Sounds Triple-A baseball game. Meaning, that there are approximately 27 people in the stand on any given night. And in this particular game there was very little action happening. And that’s when it happened. I was given the all important task of searching far and wide on the internet for things to yell at baseball games. And let me tell you, the options are scarce. When you take out all the “Jeter SUUUCKS!!!!” and “STEEEEEEEERRROOOOOIDDS!!”, you are left with very few choices. While shouting things like “I AM SATISFIED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE THUS FAR!” and “YOU COULDN’T HIT A COW WITH A SHOVEL!!!” are enjoyable, those two phrases will not last you a whole 9 innings. And that’s why I’m here, people of the world wide web. I’m here to offer suggestions of what would be quality things to yell at a baseball game. I’ve searched far and wide for the best of the best. It’s my little gift to you. You’re welcome.

Things To Yell At Players:

  • I’ve seen better swings on a porch
  • Hey! Too bad you aren’t as good at baseball as you are at being ugly!
  • I find you to be a subpar athlete!
  • My grandma could throw better than that!
  • I find your pitching to be lackluster, perhaps you are ill!
  • You should go back to Triple-A, try a little harder, gain some maturity, and come back to the majors in a year or two!
  • Your fielding is surprisingly poor compared to your teammate, yet still incredibly above-average as you are a professional baseball player and I am not!
  • It’s okay. You’re mom still loves you!
  • You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!
  • I wish my golf score was as good as your batting average!
  • The ball is that thing the catcher has!
  • Hey they killed a cow to make that glove, at least you could try to use it!
  • Is it in your contract to throw like a girl?

Things To Yell At Umpires:

  • Hey blue, if you had another eye, you’d be a cyclops! (you know, implying that he’s terrible at making calls thus assuming he has no eyeballs and the addition of a new eyeball would equal a grand total of one eyeball…..maybe in retrospect don’t use this one)
  • Turn around blue. You’re missing a good game.
  • That was a strike! You’re the worst umpire ever!
  • I thought only horses slept standing up!
  • If you’re just going to watch the game, buy a ticket!
  • I was confused the first time I saw a game too!
  • Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
  • WRONG!
  • You couldn’t call a cab!
  • The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!

Things To Yell Solely Out of Boredom:

  • BOOORING!!
  • Gooo baseball!!
  • Loud noises!!
  • (You could pretty much yell anything for this category. Use your imagination.)

Enjoy, my fellow baseball fans. This was all for you. If you find yourself at a sad, depressing baseball game, feel free to peruse this list and find something to spice your day up. And if nothing else, maybe it will get you kicked out of the game and then you’ll have a story to tell the grandkids about. What’s better than that?

*I actually don’t think that’s true. If you shout cusses you’ll probably get sent to baseball jail. I’m pretty sure it’s a place. I watch Seinfeld. Everywhere they go there’s a jail. Shopping malls, parking garages, they all have jails. So why wouldn’t a baseball stadium have a jail?

I Got Your Back Joel Peralta!

Thursday, which is actually today, a young (and by young, I mean he’s 36) Tampa Bay Rays* player found himself in a bit (and by bit I mean A LOT) of trouble.

It seems Joel Peralta, one of their relief pitchers, thought he needed a little bit of help in the pitching department. And seeing as how he used to play for the Kansas City Royals, a team known for horrible pitchers, he is probably not incorrect, but I have digressed.

Our good friend Joel here decided to place a wee bit of pine tar within his baseball glove and according to rule 8.02** in the MLB rule book, “the pitcher shall not apply a foreign substance of any kind to the ball”. When he put the ball in the glove itself, voila, pine tar ball, otherwise known as foreign substance ball. You can’t hit a pine tar ball, this is a fact*** and Joel Peralta knew this.

You are not allowed to doctor the ball. Joel was a class A offender of this rule. Or so the MLB would want us to think.

However, Joely, as I refer to him, does not see this incident in the same light as the MLB. He has decided to appeal this suspension, on the grounds that he did not do it, I guess. Although I sort of feel like he was caught pine-tar handed (see what I did there?) Or perhaps he’s going to attempt to justify why the pine tar was inside of his glove.

And that is where I come in. I got your back Joely! I can justify absolutely any situation. So let’s get started.

Pine Tar Glove Appeal Topics For My Good Friend**** Joel Peralta, AKA Joely P.

#1. My glove smelled like sweaty hands. Mostly because my sweaty hand is always in it. I thought perhaps the pine tar would give it a delightful ‘woody’ scent. I was incorrect.

#2. I suffer from extra sweaty palms. My hands sweat A LOT. And since they’re really, really sweaty I have a hard time holding onto the baseball to pitch a quality 4-finger fastball. I thought the pine tar would help my grip. Is that against the rules? My bad guys.

#3. Matsui did it! That guy’s been after me all season. He wanted me to get suspended. I’ve said it time and time again, you cannot trust a guy name Hideki. And no one believed me, but looks what he’s done now. He’s ruined me.

#4. That’s not pine tar guys. That’s my saliva. I’m dipping. I love chewing tobacco. I’ve been hooked ever since I saw The Sandlot. Those guys and their dipping then riding on carnival rides. That movie is hilar!

#5. Ummm…..I’m from the Dominican. We don’t really have rules there. I didn’t know these rules were actually enforced. My bad guys. Won’t happen again.

#6. I suck at pitching. I have a 3.72 era. I suck so bad that the Royal didn’t want me. And they love terrible pitchers. I needed all the help I could get okay? Just let me have this one.

There ya go Joely! Take any of the above and I guarantee your appeal will be successful. There is no way you will still be suspended after this.

*Don’t worry men of the Tampa Bay baseball team, I know ‘Rays’ is a pretty stupid sounding mascot, therefore you will always be the Devil Rays to me. You’re welcome.
**This is a real rule. I googled it. Google does not lie.
***I have absolutely no evidence that this is a fact.
****Would you believe that we’re not actually friends at all? I’ve never even met the guy.

Baseball: Reemerging America’s Pastime

I love baseball. I do. We all love it. Why wouldn’t we? It’s America’s pastime.  Unfortunately the start of baseball season has been eclipsed by the Stanley Cup playoffs this year for me. This is just terrible. I need to apologize to baseball for that. And as I tried to formulate how I would go about apologizing to an inanimate object, I started wondering, why is baseball America’s pastime?

And since I know every single one of you are wondering the same thing, I took the liberty to do the research for all of us…you’re welcome guys. And wouldn’t you know it, wikipedia had the answer right there for me. (I only use wikipedia for my research. I’d be a terrible investigative reporter.)

As it turns out baseball was originated from a very popular game in Great Britain and Ireland called “Rounders“, which, get this, has exactly the same rules as baseball. I know, I was surprised as well. But then I was a little confused as to how this tidbit of information answered my question about why baseball was America’s pastime, but stick with me here, wikipedia clarified it for me.

Turns out in the 19th and 20th centuries (apparently I’m not very well educated because I had to double check what years that would have been. It was the 1800-1900’s. I had terrible schooling) baseball aka “the sport formerly known as rounders”, was the most widely played sport in the country. So as far as I can tell the Brits and Irishmen came over to the good ol’ US of A and taught everyone the game. And it was pretty much the only game they knew how to play. According to my good pal, wikipedia, it says baseball was as popular then as video games and tv are today. Baseball was the way they, dare I say it, passed time. And because all Americans had for fun was playing and watching baseball that’s what they did.

They all shared the common bond of baseball, it united all humans. They talked about it while plowing the fields, waiting for the bus, after school, before school, while eating dinner, at the grocery store, buying new shoes, eating Chinese food, pretty much during any activity, the discussion was centered on baseball

And then wikipedia went on to be depressing and told me that there really is no national pastime anymore. Apparently America is just to ‘splintered’, whatever that means. Stupid internet age.

With my best college thinking skills I came to the conclusion that America needs to revive baseball as its pastime. The world is too sad without it. We need to discuss it at the water coolers and bus stops again. (Also maybe I should start hanging out at water coolers. Turns out a lot of conversations happen at those)

In my attempt to make baseball America’s pastime again I’ve come up with a handy list of conversation starters. If we all use this list then we’ll all be talking about baseball and then we’ll all be centering our lives on it again, thus, pastime. So ya, this plan is basically flawless.

  • So how ’bout those Yankees? They have really high payroll! And terrible fan base!
  • Hey, do you know how many stitches there are in an MLB regulation baseball? Me neither! Let’s count them together!
  • So…the allstar game is in Kansas City this year. There’ll probably be cows and stuff in the outfield, cause you know, Midwest.
  • Do you find the Cleveland Indians mascot to be slightly racist?
  • Guess who my favorite player is! And no, I won’t give you any hints! (This is a great one if you want your conversation to last hours, there are a lot of baseball players in the world)
  • So RBI’s. Runs batted ins? ha. They should just call it RBI. Ha!
  • What kind of wood do you prefer for your baseball bat to be made of?
  • You ever seen The Sandlot? That Squints! He’s a riot!
  • Would you rather take a 100 mph fastball to the thigh or the back?
  • Want to race around the bases? (This one only works if you are someone who just hangs out on baseball fields or an actual baseball player.)
  • Who’s your favorite baseball mascot? That green Phillies thing?
  • Would you rather lick the pitchers rosin bag, or run full speed into the Green Monster in Boston?
  • Who’s your least favorite Yankee: Jeter or A-Rod?

It’s pretty simple guys. Anytime there’s an awkward silence, just blurt out one of those things up there. And soon enough everyone will be talking about baseball again.

Bingo! Bango! Bongo! America’s pastime.

You’re welcome America.