Hollywood, Leave the Monkeys Alone!

Growing up some of the best movies that I watched involved misfit kids who overcame adversity. Movies like The Sandlot, The Mighty Ducks, The Big Green. Those are classics. Those misfits came together, solved a problem, became good at sports, and even won championships. Small children everywhere become inspired and immediately joined a sports team in hopes of being on a championship team. I was not the child inspired by those sports movies. I was inspired by monkey movies.

Dunston Checks In, Ed, and Rocketman. Monkey’s dressed like humans acting like humans. This was the greatest. I watched those darn monkeys walking around in baseball uniforms and bellhop clothes and all I wanted was a monkey that I could dress as a human. Forget the fact that having a monkey is probably a terrible idea because they fling dung and screech really loud. I wanted a monkey. I wanted one bad. I might even still want one, but my grown up logical reasoning tells me I shouldn’t buy a monkey. (Valentine’s day is Wednesday. If anyone’s looking for a last-minute present for me, I would still take a monkey.)

It came to my attention recently that children today are not receiving the joy of monkey movies that I had growing up. I haven’t seen a Monkey in human clothes playing sports in years. I might even say that Hollywood is doing a disservice to children and monkeys in general. The monkey movies of today are giving monkeys a bad reputation.

Outbreak, a monkey is responsible for the spread of an incredibly contagious disease that kills thousands of people. Rise of Planet the of the Apes, the monkey gets out of control, reeks havoc everywhere, and even bites a man’s finger off.

WHAT ARE WE DOING TO THE MONKEYS?? Monkeys are cute and possess human qualities. They play baseball with Matt Leblanc, go to space with Harland Williams and befriend a young boy in a hotel. THEY DON’T SPREAD DISEASE OR BITE PEOPLE’S FINGERS OFF! (there’s a chance that these things could happen, but I choose to remain ignorant) How will this generation of children find the love and joy of monkeys in human clothes if they are scared for their lives? This will never work. We need a new monkey movie. And that is why I have come up with this simple movie plot that I’m taking to Hollywood. It will bring monkey joy to thousand of children around the world and they will no longer fear for their phalanges.

The setting, New York City, the summer of 2012. A life-hardened businessman, Stanley, is looking for joy in his life. His family has left him because he puts his job first. In walks Chachi, the happy chimp who has recently escaped from the Bronx Zoo. Stanley thinks he’s losing his mind because he keeps seeing this chimp everywhere. Finally he comes to acceptance of the realness of Chachi and decides to take care of him and make him his friend because he has no others as he has alienated all of his real friends. He dresses him in business suits and slowly falls in love with Chachi. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings Stanley’s family finds out about Chachi. They see that Stanley has changed and is caring deeply for this chimp and he could love them again too. Stanley’s son, Adam, convinces his mother, Leslie, to give Stanley another chance. They fall back in love. The Bronx zoo takes Chachi back. Adam begs for his fathers help in getting Chachi back. Stanley finally caves and they form a coup to get Chachi back. The final scene of the movie is Stanley and Leslie renewing their vows while Chachi obviously acts as the minister. The love of a chimp brings about the renewal of love in a marriage.

Classic chimp movie. Monkeys bring everyone together and make everything better. We don’t need children to be fearful of monkeys. We don’t. Children already have to be wary of strangers, they don’t need to worry about chimps also. If I could just get Hollywood to make this movie, I know I could bring back a happy perception of chimps. Let’s work together to get children to fall in love with monkeys again.

And let’s keep dressing chimps as baseball players because that’s just adorable.