Hey there MTV!
First let me start of by saying that I enjoy your programming. I won’t lie to you, I’m a little* ashamed of this. I’m a grown up. I’ve graduated from college and everything, yet I still find myself watching MTV all day long. I tune in to those crazy Jersey Shore kids. I watch those teen moms and their relationships that inevitably fall apart. And I definitely always choose a side on the Real World/Road Rules Challenges.
I must just be a sucker for reality programming. (but you don’t care, because I’m giving you my viewership) I have to tell you something though. I don’t think your shows are actually the ‘reality’ of most of the world. In fact I’d say most people aren’t tan and don’t spend all week drinking booze with short Oompa Loompa-like people named Snooki. I personally don’t know anyone who does that.
I’m calling your bluff MTV. That’s not reality. But don’t worry. I have a plan to help you save face. I’d like to offer myself to you as a reality program. We’ll call it True Life: I’m an Average Human. I’ve taken the time to write out a basic time-line of my day for you and it is pretty darn exciting!!
6:00-6:30 am: I wake up and work out with Bob Harper on DVD. You’ll see me with my morning hair and with my after workout glow. Then I shower.
6:30-7:30 am: I’ll eat my off-brand Special K Red Berries and make my coffee to go (butter toffee flavor with sugar-free vanilla caramel creamer and splenda)
8:30 am – 12:30 pm: You’ll go with me to work. You can watch me as I herd my class of nine 3 year-olds as if they were my tiny baby ducklings. We go outside and play on the playground, unless it’s raining, then we play freeze dance and go on bear hunts. We learn the ABC’s and talk about the weather. After that we make mostly paper plate based crafts and eat lunch. Then, wait for it, then it’s nap-time.
12:30 pm – 1:30 pm: This is when I go on my lunch break. I go back home and usually I eat a sandwich (turkey and cheddar) or a lean pocket (pepperoni pizza) while I watch reruns of Boy Meets World. Then I go back to work
1:30 pm – 5:45 pm: I try to keep the same nine 3 year-olds from killing each other as they play in the block center, home living center and do puzzles. That’s where the real drama is at. That will definitely pull in the viewers!
5:45 pm – 10:00 pm: When I get off work you can follow me back home, where I will eat dinner and catch up on my DVR. Sometimes though, when I’m feeling crazy, I’ll go to Target! I also sometimes pay bills and my student loans. Those are commonly referred to as “Wacky Wednesdays” or “Anything Goes Thursdays”
10:00 pm: I go to bed. And the next day we do the exact same thing again!
I tell you what. I would watch that show. I would. (but I would watch any reality show, that’s why I watch your shows)
I feel that I represent the life of the working class of America pretty darn well. I don’t have any friends with stupid nicknames, I don’t have a baby out of wedlock and I don’t get arrested ever, but it’s really real. It’s what I do every single day. That’s reality tv, MTV. It’s boring.
So, you know, if that story-line interests you at all, I’d be alright with you following me around for a few million dollars. (then we could change the name to True Life: I’m an Average Millionaire)
Let me know what you think! In the meantime I’ll be here waiting for the check to come in the mail.
*False. I’m a lot ashamed.
- Snooki and J-Woww Banned From Wine Shop Next To Snooki’s New House (celebs.gather.com)
- Before They Were Stars: ‘Jersey Shore’ (huffingtonpost.com)