Amanda’s Top 10 Hockey Names (Because The World Needs to Know)

Hey there guys!

How’s it going?



That’s so great to hear! So anyway, guess what this post is about!

Nope, not puppies.

Uh uh. Not my world famous cheese quesadilla recipe.

Oh, no. It is certainly not about my world travels.

That’s right! It’s about hockey! Are you guys shocked? Surprised? Neither? Ok, well I should have seen that coming, especially since the word hockey is in the title just a few inches away up there.

But guys! There are so many great names in the sport of hockey and I need to world to know about them!

And that is precisely why I have come up with my top 10 greatest hockey names ever. (and by ever, I mean currently playing. So don’t get all cranky because I don’t choose Mario Lemieux)

In my little world, in order for a person to have a great hockey name it has to posses at least one of these key qualities:
1. I must not be able to pronounce the name correctly on my first try.
2. The name has double letters (aa, bb, cc, etc.)
3. The name appears to be missing letters and/or short on vowels.
4. It just sounds like a hockey name (I have no concrete explanation for why something sounds like a hockey name, it just happens)
5. It makes me giggle a little bit when I hear it.

Craig Smith – Nashville Predators
Pronounced, Jar-ig, Smit-le. Ha. Just kidding guys. It’s just Craig Smith. Pronounced Craig Smith.  This is the most boring hockey name that has ever existed, ever, in the history of ever. Got ya guys didn’t I? I’m really hilarious.

Ok, but for real here they are, in no particular order:

Harry Zolnierczyk – Philadelphia Flyers
No matter how many times I hear this man’s name pronnounced, I still have no idea how to say it. Zol-ner-zik? Zo-LA-neer-chick? Zolajkjeiakdlkljakjwejfgn? I have no idea. I can prounounce Harry though. That one’s easy.

Zbyněk Michálek – Pittsburgh Penguins
First of all, this one has diacritical marks on it. that’s not even fair. I’m a midwestern American girl. I have no idea what those mean, so ya I have no chance of getting this one right. Plus there is literally one vowel in his first name. And it’s got a mark on it. Z-by-neck? Zeb-nek? ZEEEBY-nik? I don’t know. I don’t even try on this one.

Roman Josi – Nashville Predators
Roman. Yo-see. Yo! See! Can’t even be mad at that name. No way he can be anything in life, except a hockey player. “I’m here to see Dr. Josi.” Nope, not working. “Josi scores!!” Perfect.

Byron Bitz – Vancouver Canucks
This one, well, this one is just a solid hockey name. “Bitz shoots and it’s good!” “The penalty goes to Bitz.” “Bitz won the faceoff.” It just fits in the hockey world. It just does.

Cal Clutterbuck – Minnesota Wild
Clutterbuck. Enough said. So perfect! Plus the guy can grow the beard of a Norse god. A necessity in the hockey world. Ever heard of playoff beards?

José Theodore – Florida Panthers
I love this one simply because while I see the name HO-say, his name is actually JOE-zay. Those darn diacritical marks strike again. Only in a sport filled with Europeans would this happen…except he’s Canadian. Well, whatever, dude’s a dreamboat.

Dustin Byfuglien – Winnipeg Jets
Yep. Byfuglien. Just that. By-fug-lien. Hilarious. I don’t care what you say wikipedia, it’s not prounuced by-foo-glee-an. He will always by By-Fug-Len, to me. And I like it that way. He just looks like a Byfuglien.

Radim Vrbata –  Phoenix Coyotes
Every single time I see this guy’s name I can’t help but think someone forgot to put the rest of the letters in it. Something is missing and he is being punk’d. It just doesn’t look right. Plus what is it? Ver-bada? I don’t know.

Pekka Rinne – Nashville Predators
Really, did you guys not see this one coming? Double letters in both first and last name. Um, yep. Plus the guy is a dreamboat. A TOTAL DREAMBOAT!
Anyone named Alexander – Every Hockey Team Ever
Radulov, Ovechkin, Semin, I don’t care. Alexander combined with anything is a great hockey name. And if your name is Alexander, you just look like a hockey player. Fact. Plus the name always looks like it’s missing a letter at the end. I want a silent “e” there or something. It looks unbalanced. My OCD wants closure on that name.



Now you can all rest peacefully tonight knowing which players I think have the best names in all of hockey. You are so very welcome.

What’s in a Name? Um, Only EVERYTHING.

Every single person’s identity begins with their name (which makes sense as it is in fact, you know, your identity). Every single name also holds a certain unwritten connotation to it. For instance name your kid Apple, and well, we’re all going to think you’re kind of fruity. (Ha Pun!). Name your kid Hubert, we’re going to assume he’s a nerd (or 95 years old). Since the beginning of time parents have been inadvertently choosing the futures of their children at their birth, through the simple choice of a name.

“This seems like a bold statement, Amanda.”

Oh ya? Don’t believe me? Well let’s explore this a little.

Does this look like a Skip Schumaker?
Or does this?

If you chose the first picture, you’re obviously a liar because no one thinks Skip Schumaker is a scientist name. Skip Schumaker is clearly the best baseball name that has ever existed. You don’t call your kid Skip and not expect him to do something athletic.

Does someone named Landry Jones resemble this?
Or is Landry Jones this guy?
If you did not get this one right, I just don’t even know what to say. The top picture is clearly Landry Jones. How is someone not going to be a quarterback if his name is Landry? I mean seriously? Landry Jones does not grow up to become Donut Man. Rob Evans does. (Because Rob is a Donut Man kind of name)

Next. Is this a Cal Clutterbuck?

Or is this?
I hope you chose the first picture because if you think someone named Cal Clutterbuck is a successful businessman, well I’m worried about you. Cal Clutterbuck is most definitely a hockey player name. (With some serious dapper dan hair)

This next one is tricky. Think carefully before you answer.
Is this Steve Urkel?
 Or is this Steve Urkel?
I know what you’re thinking. “That’s the same person. He’s just wearing suspenders and glasses in one picture.” FALSE. Photo 1 is Steve Urkel. Urkel is an obvious nerd name. The second is Stefan Urquelle. Urquelle is clearly the name of suave womanizer. Just look at them. Their names make sense. Steve’s the nerd, Stefan the womanizer.

See what I mean? Those are just a few of the many, many examples. If someone is given a nerd name at birth, they grow into that nerdhood against their own will. It just happens. If they’re given a baseball name, they have to play baseball. There is no other option. I’m sure there is a scientific explanation for why this works. But I wasn’t given a scientist name, so I wouldn’t know. (You’ll have to ask an Albert)

I was unfortunately given a very neutral name. I could have been named Petunia or Bruhnhilda. But I was given the name Amanda. It’s a little bland. Amanda Badley. That’s what I’ve got to work with. Obviously I’m bound to a life of mediocrity. Maybe if my parents had named me something like, Persephone (Just Persephone, no middle or last name) I would be a pop singer in Europe. Or had I been named Gretchen Jones Badley I could have dropped the last name and been Gretchen Jones, famous mystery novel author. But alas, I’m stuck with Amanda. (thanks MOM)

So moral of the story is, name your children carefully. If you name your daughter Ginger, she’s not going to become a diplomat (and she’s definitely going to have red hair). If you name your son Spike, he’ll for sure become a member of a bike gang. Watch yourselves guys. You choose your child’s profession with a simple signing of a birth certificate.

Now if anyone needs me I’ll just be here sinking into my mediocrity as I pin on my name-tag that reads “Amanda” in plain black letters, headed to my job at the food court Pretzelrama.*

*I don’t really work at the Pretzelrama. I’m sure that’s a very respectable job however. If anyone works at place called Pretzelrama I’m real sorry for implying that your job is mediocre in any way. People love pretzels so your job is actually really important.