Weirdos Should Not Be Allowed Access To The Internet

{Before I begin. I’ve started writing here. It’s a blog all about Nashville Predators hockey. All the time. So in short, what I’m saying is, most of my hockey obnoxiousness will be spewed there instead of here. Aren’t you happy? Unless you enjoyed that stuff. Then I guess click that link, and enjoy. And now onto the regularly scheduled program.}

I write about weird things. I’m not going to deny this. I’ve written posts ranging from an accusation of Fred Phelps being Michael Phelps estranged father, to brainstorming the current state of the Boy Meets World characters. So, it’s no surprise to me that occasionally some weird google searches link people to my blog. But sometimes, sometimes the phrases are even too weird for me and I can’t see how in a million, bajillion years that search term led to my blog. But I’m a people pleaser, so I’m here to help you big freaks who google really weird things. Next time you google your weird things, I’ll have an answer for you. You’re welcome.

“scared people swimming” – My best guess is that the person searching for scared people swimming was looking for a picture. So you know, I’m on it:

“everytime i wear my lucky hat i…” – have good luck! Yes. Nailed it.

“ow. stop it you.” – Oh. I’m sorry. Am I causing you pain with my sharp wit? (see what I did there?)

“what is michael phelps going to do now” – Simple. He’s going to marry me. Then we’re going to have babies. And he’s going to teach the babies to swim. Someone needs to be able to teach my future children not to drown, I can’t do that. He’ll probably have to teach me too.

“adam levine trenchcoat” – I have no idea what you were looking for here. But I googled it myself and the image results were nothing short of inappropriate. So I’m not doing this one for you, ya freak.

“recent sports events” – May I direct you to http://www.espn.com?

“i hate michael phelps” – GET OFF MY BLOG YOU TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE HUMAN.

“sparkly silver acoustic guitar” – Here you go buddy!

“alex ovechkin face” – First. Why would you want to find this? His face is mildly terrifying. Second. Here it is. Try not to have too many nightmares.

“i don’t care what you think of me i don’t think of you at all” – That’s just rude. I’m not talking to you.

“knock my head on table” – That sounds like a terrible idea. I would not highly recommend that. One time I bashed my head into the bottom of a cabinet and I immediately was able to smell sounds and taste color. I imagine knocking your head on a table would accomplish the same thing. So if that sounds pleasant, go for it.

“dustin brown la kings sexy” – I know for a fact I have NEVER stated this. I don’t know why this brought you here to my little corner of the internet, but he is not sexy. Have you seen him? His face is WAY asymmetrical and he looks like a weasel. But hey, if that’s your thing than go for it girl (or guy, I don’t want to pigeon-hole)

“hey, i just met you, and this is crazy, steve urkel” – Did you just meet me? Did you just meet Steve Urkel? Because if you just met me, well cool I guess. But I don’t know what’s so crazy. Maybe the fact that you have some sort of tourette’s that causes you to randomly say Steve Urkel. And if you think you just met Steve Urkel, well I’ve got news. He’s a fictional character.

There we go guys. Now your weird, curious minds can be fulfilled. But I’m just going to be real with myself. All I’ve probably accomplished is leading more weirdos to my blog. But it’s all about quantity not quality right? Guys? Right?

This Is Why I Can’t Have Nice Things

An open letter to the Nashville Predators:

You had such a great season. If there was ever a year that your team could win a Stanley Cup, this was the year. Your team was strong, you were feisty, you had it all. Your GM, David Poile even went out and added a few more pieces to your offense to make your team just that much stronger for cup contention. But little did Poile know, it was all in vain…

Because I was on your side.

Ya…I’d give me that look too Rads.

I should have seen this coming. I’m not allowed to have nice things. I’ve never been on the side of a sports team who was good at what they do. I should have known it was too good to be true when you guys had a winning record and I was rooting for you.

You see, I grew up in Kansas City. I’ve been a Kansas City Royals fan since I can remember. (Sure when I was little tike, I only enjoyed games for the hot dogs, but as time went on, I became a fan for the baseball aspect rather than the tubular meats thing) I don’t know if you know this, but the Royals are terrible. For example, I was born in 1989. Since that year the Royals have registered 0 World Series titles/appearances, 0 Central Division titles, and have been wild cards a grand total of…0 times. I know it seems crazy for me to say that this is my fault, but it is. Hang with me here.

Now initially, I thought my curse was solely based on my direct proximity to the team. I went ahead and proclaimed that this would be the Royals year since I no longer live in Kansas. I even went as far as to say that the Atlanta Braves would just be terrible because of my very presence in the South. And guess what happened. The Braves are great and the Royals, well, they are still terrible. It turns out it has nothing to do with my physical presence. The Royals have won a grand total of 9 games out of the 28 they have played. I don’t know if you guys can do math, but that’s a horrible winning percentage. Apparently, if my heart is for a team they’ll suck. I even thought that maybe if I claimed allegiance to the Braves it would help, but my Braves allegiance wasn’t sincere. My mouth said Braves, but my heart still says Royals. And that’s why the Royals cannot possible succeed until I completely cut my ties from them. I bring bad luck.

I don’t know why I posses this terrible ability, but I do. Every time I voice my opinion on what team I want to proceed to the next round, they’re out. The Panthers, Penguins, Blackhawks and now you guys. I wanted wins from each of these teams, and now they’re out. All of them. If I even think a positive thought about a team, they lose.

And I’m afraid I have brought this same curse to you. I thought maybe the curse didn’t cross over to hockey since you made it out of the first round verse the Red Wings. But no. The day I shelled out the cash for a Craig Smith jersey a dark cloud fell over the Bridgestone Arena, you guys were doomed from that moment. I claimed allegiance to you, and for that I am sorry. You will never, ever win a Stanley Cup no matter how much you, me, and everyone in Nashville wants it. I ruin teams. I apparently carry bad sports karma with me wherever I go. The hockey gods hate me. And for that I am sorry. Because of me, you are cursed to never win Lord Stanley’s Cup. I could pretend to not like you anymore so maybe you’d have a chance at winning, but we all know that wouldn’t work. As long as my heart still says Preds, you will not succeed.

I completely understand if you want to murder me. I would if I were you. But who knows, maybe next year is your year*

I guess for now I’ll just refocus my energy elsewhere. I’m kind of hoping the Capitals make it to the end, so they’ll probably lose tomorrow night.

Until next year,
Amanda aka, A Sports Teams Worst Nightmare.

PS. When all of your Unrestricted Free Agents leave this summer, that one’s on me too. Again, so sorry.

PPS. I was rooting for the Flyers tonight. Guess what happened. Yep. They’re done for the season, headed out to the links for a game of golf tomorrow. Aaaand, it’s all my fault.

PPPS. Yep. I took out the Capitals too. Just as I expected.

*Since I just said that, it definitely won’t be.

Sidney Crosby! What Will You Do With All Your Free Time?

[Disclaimer: This is about hockey….again. I’m so sorry. I have a serious issue. If you hate hockey, I apologize, but hey look on the bright side, hockey will be over in June and then we can focus on the Olympics.]

Hey there Sid.

Why do you look so sad? This doesn’t have anything to do with you and your Penguins not advancing to the second round of the NHL playoffs does it?

It does?

You’re kinda bummed about it?

Really bummed actually?

You really, really hate the Flyers now?

Well, to be fair Sid, you’ve only beat them in your brand spankin’ new Consol Energy Center like twice. Ever. That’s a pretty terrible statistic. You should be good at winning at home. Most teams are. However you guys seem to choke at home. Why do you do that? What is wrong with you?

Although you are really good at beating teams that aren’t the Flyers, so that’s neat. You even beat my Nashville Predators. BTW: I’m still a little PO’d about that SIDNEY. Why’d ya do that??

I seem to have digressed a little though. We’re focusing on the fact that you lost in the first round of the playoffs, crushing my dreams of a Predators – Penguins championship. But who needs a 2nd Stanley Cup victory anyways? That’s just selfish of you to not share that joy with the other 29 teams.

So chin up grumpy gills!! You have so much more free time now, with all that pesky hockey out of the way. You can do so many activities!

Because I like you, I’ve taken the time to come up with some suggestions as to how you can spend your summer now that hockey is no longer an option. You’re very welcome.

Go to the zoo. Look at the real penguins. They’re super precious and they’ll make you forget all your woes of being a loser. (not a loser at life, just hockey)

Become a weather man. You have a weatherman face. I can’t explain it. It could be your nose, I don’t know. You just look like a weatherman to me. Plus, you’ve already got the wardrobe for it.
Take anger management classes. Then you won’t want to fight Claude Giroux next season. My poor little heart can’t handle it when you two fight. I love you both too much.

Buy a goat. Name it Sidney Jr. and call it Sid the Kid for short. HILARIOUS! (Get it Sid. Baby goats are called kids. People call you Sid the kid. I’m the best aren’t I?)

Come visit me! We’ll do lunch. What do you like? Chicken? I can cook chicken. That’s pretty much it though. And hot pockets. I can cook hot pockets.

Take up the guitar. Girls love a dude who can play guitar. They also love a dude who plays hockey. A hockey player who plays guitar? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YES PLEASE!

Cry. Just let it all out Sid. No one will know, plus everyone who hates you already calls you Cindy Crysby. (People are not very clever apparently) Just let the tears flow. Once they do you can let go of your depression from losing and move on. I won’t tell anyone that you cried.

Come visit me again. I cannot stress this enough. You should come visit me. I am a good time. Plus I live in Nashville. We’ve got lots of guitars here. You could knock out that learn to play guitar thing as well.

Write an apology letter to Claude Giroux and Jakub Voracek. You were very rude to them. If you need a refresher, go here to our previous conversation: Sid, are you a child?

And finally, again, I cannot stress this one enough. Come and visit me. We’ll hang. And you know, if we fell in love and got married that’d be cool too. Then you can support me with your millions and I can sit at home and watch hockey for the rest of my life. Plus we could also go to some hockey games while you’re here, because the Nashville Predators are still in the playoffs. They don’t suck.

You just let me know whenever you want to come visit me. My schedule is pretty open.*

*This is because all I do is watch hockey and write letters to people who will never, ever see them. I’m insane aren’t I?

Amanda’s Guide to Playoff Hockey

I talk about hockey a lot, it’s kind of my thing. But let’s be real, I don’t have a lot going for me right now, so pretty much the NHL Playoffs are all I have. It’s cool though guys. Don’t worry about me. I’m not a sad sack or anything.*

But it also occurs to me that most people do not care nearly as much as I do. But I’d like everyone to because then I wouldn’t be alone in my excitement. So in an effort to bring all of you over to my side I’ve prepared this handy guide to the NHL playoffs. Just follow along and you’ll go far.

Amanda’s Simple Guide to the Stanley Cup Playoffs

You are allowed allegiance to one Western conference team and one Eastern conference team. Example: Amanda’s Western Conference Team: Nashville Predators. Amanda’s Eastern Conference Team: Pittsburgh Penguins

It is perfectly okay for all productive activities in your life to cease during the playoffs. The NHL wants you watch all the games. That’s why the show them all on tv. You don’t even have to feel like a slug for never leaving your couch. It’s totally cool.

If the hockey gods are against you and your chosen teams gets knocked out of the playoffs you are allowed to choose a replacement to fill the void. Example: Amanda’s Western conference second choice: Phoenix Coyotes. Eastern conference: Florida Panthers. Although I do not plan on needing to utilize my second choices.

If you enjoy a player on an opposing team you are not allowed to verbally admit it. Example: Claude Giroux is really great and has a red beard, but he plays for the Flyers. I cannot admit I like him because I want the Penguins to win, therefore Claude is the enemy.

While playoff beards can occasionally become disgusting we are not allowed to complain about them. They provide some sort of magical powers. Example: Kevin Klein. Dude had exactly 4 goals in 66 regular season games. He now has 2 goals in 5 playoff games. Fluke? No. Playoff beard power? Absolutely.

That’s some serious beard power

If you go to the bathroom while the puck is in play, someone will score. This is a fact proven by me. So don’t go to the bathroom, unless you like missing out on game changing moments.

It’s perfectly natural to jump around and celebrate a game winning shot even if you are alone in your living room with only a dog. Not that I’ve ever done this. That would be super weird.**

Despite the fact that Sidney Crosby‘s lips look plump enough to use as a pillow for sleeping, don’t say it out loud. Especially around males. They will think you are crazy. Again, I’ve never done this.***

Seriously, those things are plump

If you spend your hard-earned cash on playoff tickets, your team will lose that game. So that sucks, but you’ll probably still spend your money anyway just for a chance at a taste of that playoff atmosphere.

Goaltenders are weird. They just are. Don’t blame losses on them. They will take it super personally and proceed to lose 3 games in a row. Example: Marc Andre-Fleury‘s super choke at the beginning of the playoffs.

Do not NOT wear your lucky socks. You cannot afford taking a chance with the hockey gods at this point in the season. Your socks may be the only thing allowing your team to win. You don’t want to have to shoulder the blame of a loss just because you were too arrogant to wear your lucky turkey socks.

It’s absolutely okay to slam Henrik Zetterberg’s head into glass if you are Shea Weber. You will not get suspended. Totally cool. I’m a Shea Weber fan, but the guy should not have done this. Hockey gods were on his side obviously.

And finally, you can totally cry when your team doesn’t win the Stanley Cup. I won’t even make fun of you.

Editors Note: The Penguins are out. Let’s go Panthers! (Mostly just this guy. Gotta love Ol’ No-Chin Smithson)

Jerred Smithson

*Ya, I am.
**Guys I’ve done this. Several times.
***I absolutely have.

Where’s My Big Break?!?

I’d like to be a millionaire. I’m not shy about this. I’ve been waiting almost 23 years for my big break into stardom. And as of now…nada. No one has discovered me in a shopping mall. No one has seen me on the street and offered me a million dollar contract. It’s just not happening like I’ve been lead to believe by many a sitcom. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to take things into my own hands.

Unfortunately I don’t have many skills to offer the world. But the few I do possess are incredible. And I am really good at them.

I rock a super mean cardigan.
I am serious about this. I rock the layered look. In fact it was 75 degrees today in Nashville. I still threw on a cardigan. Why? Well because of a little thing callled fashion. Fashion trumps temperature. I’ll take a heat stroke before I give up my talent for wearing a cardigan.

I've got one just like this!

I can name the nationalities of all the Nashville Predators.
This doesn’t seem like a very useful ability. And I’ll be honest, it has served no purpose for my life thus far. I’ve used to prove people wrong. That’s about it. But Finland and Sweden are not the same place. The world needs to know this.

Good old fashioned hockey hug between a Belarusian and a Canadian.

I’m really good at paper plate crafts.
Need a lion? Done. Fish? No problem. Kite? Absolutely! Mickey Mouse head band? For sure! Give me anything and I’ll make it out of a paper plate. My number one medium for crafts in my classroom at work is paper plates. So ya, I’m pretty good at paper plates.

What an adorable paper plate penguin

I know all the lyrics to Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey.
I’m sure this skill will serve me well someday in a karaoke contest. As of now all it provides me with is the ability to annoy those around me, and maybe even lose friends. So that’s nice.


I’m really good at jumping on bandwagons.
Recently the Nashville Predators had a prodigal son moment with the return of Alexander Radulov from the KHL. I had no knowledge about him yet I have welcomed him back with open arms as if he were my long lost lover. I don’t even know if he’s good at hockey. I’ve heard he is, but I don’t know from personal experience. But you know what? I love him, because i have jumped on the A-Rad bandwagon and I’m perfectly happy here.

Alexander RADULOV (Russia) - 7536

There he is. My new favorite Russian.

So if you guys know any talent scouts who are looking for someone who can sing like an angel, wear a fashionable sweater, point them to the nearest Czechoslovakian, and make a paper plate alien all while keeping up with the most popular things of today and abandoning those of yesterday, go ahead and send them my way.

Until then I’ll just be sitting here waiting to be discovered by a stranger from Hollywood. Then I will become a millionaire. Don’t worry, you guys can say you knew me before I was famous, I won’t forget the little people!

A Day With the Stanley Cup? Yes Please!

Recently my dear brother informed me via twitter of the best contest that has ever existed in the history of ever. It’s a contest for the ultimate hockey fan, which not to brag, is me.

I can win a day with THE Stanley Cup. Ever heard of it? Big shiny silver cup? Looks kinda like this (actually it looks exactly like this, being that this is a photo of it):
Hockey players drink booze out of it? Ringing any bells? So if I win this contest I can invite 25 of my closest friends to take photos with the cup o’ Stanley. We can look at it, we can touch it and we can just basically have an all around good time with the cup. (We CANNOT put food or beverage in it however. The rules very clearly state this fact) And just to top of the joy of a day spent with Stanley, I will get two tickets to the Stanley Cup final game. As in the game where they drink all the booze out of the cup with which I have just spent the day with. So ya I kind of want to win this prize.

All I have to do is submit an essay explaining why I deserve a day with ol’ Stanley and a photo depicting my passion for the sport of hockey. What better place to try out my rough draft than right here on the good ol’ WWW. The world-wide web. Let me know what you guys think. This is the best essay that I have ever written in my entire life. And I wrote a lot of essays in my 4 years of college.

Why Amanda Deserves a Day with the Stanley Cup

I really like hockey. No scratch that. I really LOVE hockey.
I didn’t realize how much I loved hockey until I moved to Nashville in August. I attended the first home game of the Nashville Predators and since that initial game I have spent nearly a billion dollars on hockey. Essentially I became obsessed with the sport of hockey. I was a girl who never really followed sports much and now I have become a terror to those around me. I have random hockey trivia for every situation. I follow the standings religiously. I taunt the other teams when they come into our arena. I even spent a small fortune on a jersey when I was unemployed (granted this was not a wise decision but we’re cool now. I have a job again) I’ve spent another small fortune on the lottery known as mystery pucks, hoping for a Tootoo or a Weber, and you know what? I’ve gotten both. Because I am the ultimate hockey fan and have the hockey gods on my side. If I didn’t truly love hockey the hockey gods would never even come near me. So anyway, for the ultimate hockey fan like myself, a chance to see, feel, smell, and maybe even taste the Stanley Cup is a dream come true. If I could feel that shiny guy I would be the happiest person that has ever existed.

I will never have the talent or ability to win a Stanley Cup myself
I have zero balance. Ask my wii fit. It tells me all the time that I have the worst balance ever. There’s no possible way I can ever be good at ice skating without good balance. And if I can’t ice skate I’ll never be able to play hockey and if I can’t play hockey I’ll never be on an NHL team and if I never get to play on an NHL team I’ll never win the Stanley Cup. (Also I’m a girl. That’s the other reason why I’ll never be able to play in the NHL) So winning this contest would be my only opportunity to touch the Stanley Cup (this may not be an actual fact, but you can’t prove otherwise). If I don’t ever get to spend a day with the Stanley Cup I don’t know if my life is worth living. I’ll never be able to cross “touch the Stanley Cup” off my bucket list. Then I will die unhappily. But seriously, I need to spend a day with that thing. Sidney Crosby’s giant lips have touched it. If my regular sized lips touch it also, it will be like I kissed Sid, right on the lips. And ya, I want that in my life.

I’m a broke college graduate
I recently graduated college. Thus I have no money in my life. And the money I do have is being used to pay for the education that I am not currently utilizing. And my degree is in ministry. I will never ever make enough money to attend the Stanley Cup final game. NEVER. (unless my marriage proposal to Shea Weber works out, but I’m not holding my breath on that one) If I win this contest this would be the only time in my life I would be able to attend this game. Because I’m poor. I can’t afford tickets. I just can’t. And that’s why I need you to pick my essay and photo as the best EVER and allow me the opportunity to see the Stanley Cup live and in person. And then see the Stanley Cup final game live and in person as well. It would only be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So in conclusion, I’m poor, have no balance and love hockey. And that is why I should be given the opportunity to spend a day with Stanley. And I promise not to put any food or drink inside of it because I’m a rule follower. I might sniff it though. That wouldn’t be weird would it? Oh well. Anyway, I deserve a day with the Stanley Cup because I am the ultimate hockey fan!

If this isn’t hockey passion, I have no idea what is.

That should just about do it. I’m almost positive that I will win with that essay and that fantastic photo! I’ll let you guys know when I win, and maybe 25 of you guys can also touch the Stanley Cup! Wouldn’t that be the best?

This Time I Suck and It’s All My Fault

To the Nashville Predators:

Hi guys. As you know, you just lost your hockey match against the Los Angeles Kings. It seemed to me that all of you have forgotten how to play hockey. Which is questionable being that it’s your job and all.  You get paid to play hockey but you weren’t playing hockey tonight. But what do I know, I’m no color commentator. Well I am, but only to the people sitting near me. (BTW: Do you guys get paid for the games in which you play terribly? Because that doesn’t seem right) Don’t feel bad though. It wasn’t your guys’ fault you lost. It was mine. All mine.

You see, I have this lucky pair of socks I wear to every game. They’re navy blue and have little embroidered turkeys in them. I don’t know how they became lucky, they just are. I don’t question it. I just accept their powers.

I also have a lucky pair of jeans I wear to every game. They’re worn out in all the right places to make them perfect for jumping up to celebrate goals. They also coordinate perfectly with the navy and gold of your jerseys. I’ve never not worn them to a game. You guys win, when these jeans are worn. They are tried and true. And I always wear a tan pair of converse all-stars with the turkey socks and jeans. They’ve been worn so often to Bridgestone Arena that I’m almost positive the smell of beer and nacho cheese is embedded into the fabric of them.

And the final part of my game day ensemble is my Craig Smith jersey. I put that on with my jeans, socks, and shoes and you guys never lose. Never. As long as that exact clothing combination is worn. It’s my lucky game day outfit and I wear it to every single game. (I’m not crazy you guys. You’re hockey players, you should understand superstitions better than anyone)

But tonight I didn’t wear my lucky ensemble. Any of it. I went to the game straight from work. I was wearing black ballet flats and didn’t remember to bring my lucky shoes to change into because I am an idiot. And because I would have looked like a crazy person if I had worn the turkey socks with the flats I opted out of the turkey socks. I had a very small time frame for getting to the game so I had to change my shirt in the car. For the sake of easiness I opted to go with my Jordin Tootoo tee rather than my Craig Smith jersey. I reasoned this out to myself saying “I’m going to the game Thursday. If I wear the jersey dirty it throws everything off and the Preds lose. I don’t have time for laundry between now and Thursday so I’ll save Smith and go with Toots. It’ll be okay.” I was very wrong.

My jeans weren’t right. My shoes were all wrong and I didn’t wear the socks. And just to top off my bad luck ridden outfit, I also wore my cap. I never wear my cap to the games for fear someone will score a hat trick. I didn’t spend $20 on a hat just so i could throw it to you guys for doing your job. But I wore it tonight like some sort of buffoon.

Suffice it to say, I’ll take the blame for this loss boys. The universe was all a-kilter because of me. I threw off your game because I wore the wrong clothes. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m such a jerk for making you guys lose! I’m really sorry and if the Kostitsyn’s wish to strip me of my “Kostitsyn’s #1 Fan” title I fully understand.

Trust me though. I have learned my lesson and Thursday evening I will be there with my worn in jeans. turkey socks, converse tennies and Craig Smith jersey. I might even have some bells and whistles on just for fun.*

So anyway fellas, this time I suck and it’s all my fault. I’m real sorry about that. Won’t happen again.

*Nope. That would ruin the whole ‘universe balance’ thing again

Sorry Toots. My bad for getting you kicked out of the game. But really you shouldn't have pushed that ref. You know better.