Amanda, The Entrepreneur.

I’ll be honest guys, I don’t have a lot going on right now. I’m not using my college degree and I’m currently working at a job which I could have acquired with solely a high school diploma. Unless by some miracle, a multi-millionaire proposes marriage to me, I’m not exactly going to be raking in the bucks. And that’s why I’ve decided to become an entrepreneur/inventor.

I have many great ideas. First and foremost: NERF Furniture

Why is this not already a thing? Nerf is fantastic. Straight from wikipedia, “Nerf foam is made from a solid, spongy cellular material. To produce it, polyester resin reacts with another compound in the presence of CO2 from another reaction. It is this gas that creates open pockets within the polyurethane that, in turn, make the material soft and light.” Now, I’m not entirely sure about all those science words, but I do know that solid, spongy, soft, and light are the exact adjectives I want my couch to possess. Imagine, a couch that you can lift with one hand, yet when you sit upon it, it doesn’t sink in, but supports you while also providing a softness that only NERF can. Granted I broke my finger with a NERF football once, I still think it’s a great idea. I’ve even gone as far as to sketch out the pioneer NERF furnitures:


So, ya know, if any of you guys work for Hasbro, well, you know where to find me.

And my second, and possibly greatest idea is this:

Jágr’s Jágurt© , frozen yogurt with none other than one, Jaromír Jágr as the spokesman/face of the brand. Let’s be honest, the guy is not getting any younger. His hockey career is going to come to an end soon and he’s going to need something to do. That’s where I come in. He could have yogurt stores across the world. He’s Czechoslovakian, do they even have frozen yogurt in Czechoslovakia? No, they don’t. I looked into it and all they do is eat pork and drink beer. We* could bring fro-yo to central Europe. Europeans are very rich**, they will buy anything, especially a product with one of their own on the front. I would be an overnight millionaire and then my good pal, Jaromír would have money to help him survive post NHL stardom. Win-win situation for all.

I’m going to be completely honest, pretty much all of my energy is being focused upon making this a thing right now. If I could get Jaromir Jagr on my team, well, I might poop my pants with excitement.

So Jags, if you’re into fro-yo, you also know where to find me. (seriously though, why do you keep ignoring my tweets? I’m getting the feeling that you find me obnoxious. No one finds me obnoxious. So stop ignoring me.) Also don’t forget, I picked you as the June Dreamboat of the Month, no pressure or anything. If you decline on this offer don’t come whining to me when you’re 55 and out of money because I’ll probably have moved onto a much better idea like a can of dip called, Giroux Choux.***

 

 

*Jags and I, obviously.
**I’m obviously an ignorant American.
***I do not promote the use of chewing tobacco, mostly because it’s gross.

“Hockey Fights Are Good For Your Health”, Declared The Amanda

I’ve been watching a lot of hockey recently. Shocking, I know. But, you know what, it’s the playoffs, so get off my back. Everyone is watching hockey right now. I’m not crazy, okay? So now that we’ve got that awkward incident behind us, let’s get to the real juicy stuff…hockey fights are great.


I’m not really a violent person, but I really like it when there are fights in hockey. Everyone does. Even non-hockey fans. These altercations are kind of a big deal. They often start because of simple inconveniences like, “Hey, I want to skate over there, but that guy is in my way! I’ll just slam him into the wall! There. DONE!” Then the person who got slammed into the wall retaliates and slams the original ‘slammer’ into another wall. Sticks hit the ice, the gloves come off, and voila, good old-fashioned fisticuffs are had. Each party goes to their specified timeout box* and 5 minutes later they emerge and the air is clear. No longer are they angry about being pushed into a wall. They’ve completely forgotten about that irritating little incident that led to their fight and they just get back to playing hockey. That is, until they get shoved into a wall again, then the whole process starts again, but let’s just pretend that doesn’t happen, okay? Thanks.

It is no secret that I hate people. They are the worst. Sometimes I just want to punch them. So I started thinking, maybe I wouldn’t hate people as much if I could hockey fight them when they annoy me. It seems to work for hockey players. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Instead of getting irritated and allowing the anger and rage to eat away at my soul, I’m going to do the healthy thing:

I’m going shove people into walls and then punch them in the face repeatedly.

It’s a brilliant plan. If someone nearly runs me down with a shopping cart in Walmart. I’ll just shove them into the boxes of Moon Pies. They’ll push me into the Tastykakes. I drop my shampoo right there and we have it out. 30 seconds later, we’re done. We both head off in our separate directions never to speak of it again.

If I’m driving to work, and the person behind me thinks I’m driving too slow and is therefore tailgating me, I’ll just slam on my brakes and jump out of my car. Fisticuffs will happen. Then we’ll get in our respective cars. I go on to work, granted I have a bloody nose, but a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I no longer hate the tailgater.

Logical right? and I’m almost sure that I won’t get in legal trouble for this. Especially if I explain to law enforcement that I’m simply implementing hockey fight rules into every day life. They’ll totally understand. Definitely…maybe….probably not, but it’s worth a shot. No one ever got anywhere by not trying right?

And hey, if physical violence isn’t your thing, go D2: The Mighty Ducks style and just pull their shirt up over their head, rendering them momentarily blind. It’ll make you feel better and make them look a fool.

*Some might call these penalty boxes. Those people are not Amanda.

Amanda’s Top 10 Hockey Names (Because The World Needs to Know)

Hey there guys!

How’s it going?

Good?

Ya?

That’s so great to hear! So anyway, guess what this post is about!

Nope, not puppies.

Uh uh. Not my world famous cheese quesadilla recipe.

Oh, no. It is certainly not about my world travels.

That’s right! It’s about hockey! Are you guys shocked? Surprised? Neither? Ok, well I should have seen that coming, especially since the word hockey is in the title just a few inches away up there.

But guys! There are so many great names in the sport of hockey and I need to world to know about them!

And that is precisely why I have come up with my top 10 greatest hockey names ever. (and by ever, I mean currently playing. So don’t get all cranky because I don’t choose Mario Lemieux)

In my little world, in order for a person to have a great hockey name it has to posses at least one of these key qualities:
1. I must not be able to pronounce the name correctly on my first try.
2. The name has double letters (aa, bb, cc, etc.)
3. The name appears to be missing letters and/or short on vowels.
4. It just sounds like a hockey name (I have no concrete explanation for why something sounds like a hockey name, it just happens)
5. It makes me giggle a little bit when I hear it.

Craig Smith – Nashville Predators
Pronounced, Jar-ig, Smit-le. Ha. Just kidding guys. It’s just Craig Smith. Pronounced Craig Smith.  This is the most boring hockey name that has ever existed, ever, in the history of ever. Got ya guys didn’t I? I’m really hilarious.

Ok, but for real here they are, in no particular order:

Harry Zolnierczyk – Philadelphia Flyers
No matter how many times I hear this man’s name pronnounced, I still have no idea how to say it. Zol-ner-zik? Zo-LA-neer-chick? Zolajkjeiakdlkljakjwejfgn? I have no idea. I can prounounce Harry though. That one’s easy.

Zbyněk Michálek – Pittsburgh Penguins
First of all, this one has diacritical marks on it. that’s not even fair. I’m a midwestern American girl. I have no idea what those mean, so ya I have no chance of getting this one right. Plus there is literally one vowel in his first name. And it’s got a mark on it. Z-by-neck? Zeb-nek? ZEEEBY-nik? I don’t know. I don’t even try on this one.

Roman Josi – Nashville Predators
Roman. Yo-see. Yo! See! Can’t even be mad at that name. No way he can be anything in life, except a hockey player. “I’m here to see Dr. Josi.” Nope, not working. “Josi scores!!” Perfect.

Byron Bitz – Vancouver Canucks
This one, well, this one is just a solid hockey name. “Bitz shoots and it’s good!” “The penalty goes to Bitz.” “Bitz won the faceoff.” It just fits in the hockey world. It just does.

Cal Clutterbuck – Minnesota Wild
Clutterbuck. Enough said. So perfect! Plus the guy can grow the beard of a Norse god. A necessity in the hockey world. Ever heard of playoff beards?

José Theodore – Florida Panthers
I love this one simply because while I see the name HO-say, his name is actually JOE-zay. Those darn diacritical marks strike again. Only in a sport filled with Europeans would this happen…except he’s Canadian. Well, whatever, dude’s a dreamboat.

Dustin Byfuglien – Winnipeg Jets
Yep. Byfuglien. Just that. By-fug-lien. Hilarious. I don’t care what you say wikipedia, it’s not prounuced by-foo-glee-an. He will always by By-Fug-Len, to me. And I like it that way. He just looks like a Byfuglien.

Radim Vrbata –  Phoenix Coyotes
Every single time I see this guy’s name I can’t help but think someone forgot to put the rest of the letters in it. Something is missing and he is being punk’d. It just doesn’t look right. Plus what is it? Ver-bada? I don’t know.

Pekka Rinne – Nashville Predators
Really, did you guys not see this one coming? Double letters in both first and last name. Um, yep. Plus the guy is a dreamboat. A TOTAL DREAMBOAT!
Anyone named Alexander – Every Hockey Team Ever
Radulov, Ovechkin, Semin, I don’t care. Alexander combined with anything is a great hockey name. And if your name is Alexander, you just look like a hockey player. Fact. Plus the name always looks like it’s missing a letter at the end. I want a silent “e” there or something. It looks unbalanced. My OCD wants closure on that name.

 

There.

Now you can all rest peacefully tonight knowing which players I think have the best names in all of hockey. You are so very welcome.

You’re Killin’ Me NBC

To NBC, aka the National Broadcasting Company,

It’s springtime. The birds are chirping, flowers are sprouting from the ground, I can put ice in my coffee. It’s a glorious time of year. I, unfortunately, have not participated in any of these delightful things spring brings about because I have not left my couch in 7 days.

Why is this, you ask. Well, because the Stanley Cup playoffs have begun. You’ve been preparing me for this with all of your “Because it’s the Cup” commercials that have been playing for months. Every time I see one I get real pumped up to play in that championship game.

Side note: This one especially makes me super pumped


End of side note.

Shortly after getting prepared to defeat the Detroit Red Wings I remember I’m not actually an NHL player and I calm myself back down. But none the less, I’ve been anxiously awaiting this time of the year.

I’d like to congratulate you on being able to show every single game, every single night on your different affiliates such as NBC, CNBC and NBC Sports. That is quite the feat. Luckily you have like 9 million different channels so it’s not really that hard for you. The difficult part of this comes when you are me.

You see, I’d like to watch all of the games. But when you have, for example, the Predators – Red Wings game on CNBC at the same time as the Flyers – Penguins game on NBC Sports, you leave me a decision as difficult as Sophie’s choice.

I can either:

A: Flip back and forth between the two games watching both at the same time.
But this leads to confusion. I start on NBC Sports and see Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins, take a shot. I flip back to CNBC and see Pekka Rinne make a spectacular save (or s-pekk-tacular, if you want to be cute). I think to myself, “Crap. Sid didn’t score. But wait? Why is Pekka playing for the Flyers?” I’ve confused myself and both games are now one game in my head. This will never work.

B: Watch one game live while recording the other to watch later.
This requires me to choose one game to put myself on a media blackout for. But when I’m watching your coverage of one game you are super diligent on notifying me of the score of other games happening at the same time. Also I cannot be trusted to be on a media blackout. I check twitter far too often to not know what’s happening. So unless you guys stop updating me on scores, this plan will also never work.

C: Pay for tickets for the Predators playoff games, thus making the decision unnecessary.
Obviously I’m not going to sit at home and watch 5 games on tv if I have tickets to see one live. I’m going to that game and I’ll just check the other scores during intermissions. Unfortunately, I’m not a multimillionaire. I cannot afford playoff tickets past the first round. So this also will not work.

D: Develop ulcers trying to figure out which game to watch.
This seems to be the most likely scenario. I can feel them forming even now.

Do you see what you are doing to me? I know it’s super cool that you can show all the games and what not, but you are going to cause me to lose years off my life. I have a serious problem in that I want to watch all the games and I cannot physically do it. It’s not possible. You guys are ruining my life. You’re making me choose between Shea Weber and Sidney Crosby. That’s like choosing which adorable puppy I want to kick in the face. I just can’t do it.

So I’ve got an idea:

First I need you to stagger the game times. Start them at 8 am if you must, just make it where none of the games are on at the same time. That way I can watch every single one of them in their entirety.

Second, you need to talk to Barack (Obama, that is, not Nashville’s weather man Barak Shapiro) and find a way to make the months of April, May and June national holidays. That way I don’t have to work all during those months. I can remain stagnant on the couch shouting at my tv with no repercussions for my actions. then I never have to choose between games ever again. I would be the hap-hap-happiest girl in the world!

It’s going to take a little bit of effort, but I think if we both work really hard we can make this happen.

So you just let me know when you’re ready to put this plan into action and I’ll be ready, okay?

Where’s My Big Break?!?

I’d like to be a millionaire. I’m not shy about this. I’ve been waiting almost 23 years for my big break into stardom. And as of now…nada. No one has discovered me in a shopping mall. No one has seen me on the street and offered me a million dollar contract. It’s just not happening like I’ve been lead to believe by many a sitcom. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to take things into my own hands.

Unfortunately I don’t have many skills to offer the world. But the few I do possess are incredible. And I am really good at them.

I rock a super mean cardigan.
I am serious about this. I rock the layered look. In fact it was 75 degrees today in Nashville. I still threw on a cardigan. Why? Well because of a little thing callled fashion. Fashion trumps temperature. I’ll take a heat stroke before I give up my talent for wearing a cardigan.

I've got one just like this!

I can name the nationalities of all the Nashville Predators.
This doesn’t seem like a very useful ability. And I’ll be honest, it has served no purpose for my life thus far. I’ve used to prove people wrong. That’s about it. But Finland and Sweden are not the same place. The world needs to know this.

Good old fashioned hockey hug between a Belarusian and a Canadian.

I’m really good at paper plate crafts.
Need a lion? Done. Fish? No problem. Kite? Absolutely! Mickey Mouse head band? For sure! Give me anything and I’ll make it out of a paper plate. My number one medium for crafts in my classroom at work is paper plates. So ya, I’m pretty good at paper plates.

What an adorable paper plate penguin

I know all the lyrics to Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey.
I’m sure this skill will serve me well someday in a karaoke contest. As of now all it provides me with is the ability to annoy those around me, and maybe even lose friends. So that’s nice.


I’m really good at jumping on bandwagons.
Recently the Nashville Predators had a prodigal son moment with the return of Alexander Radulov from the KHL. I had no knowledge about him yet I have welcomed him back with open arms as if he were my long lost lover. I don’t even know if he’s good at hockey. I’ve heard he is, but I don’t know from personal experience. But you know what? I love him, because i have jumped on the A-Rad bandwagon and I’m perfectly happy here.

Alexander RADULOV (Russia) - 7536

There he is. My new favorite Russian.

So if you guys know any talent scouts who are looking for someone who can sing like an angel, wear a fashionable sweater, point them to the nearest Czechoslovakian, and make a paper plate alien all while keeping up with the most popular things of today and abandoning those of yesterday, go ahead and send them my way.

Until then I’ll just be sitting here waiting to be discovered by a stranger from Hollywood. Then I will become a millionaire. Don’t worry, you guys can say you knew me before I was famous, I won’t forget the little people!

A Day With the Stanley Cup? Yes Please!

Recently my dear brother informed me via twitter of the best contest that has ever existed in the history of ever. It’s a contest for the ultimate hockey fan, which not to brag, is me.

I can win a day with THE Stanley Cup. Ever heard of it? Big shiny silver cup? Looks kinda like this (actually it looks exactly like this, being that this is a photo of it):
Hockey players drink booze out of it? Ringing any bells? So if I win this contest I can invite 25 of my closest friends to take photos with the cup o’ Stanley. We can look at it, we can touch it and we can just basically have an all around good time with the cup. (We CANNOT put food or beverage in it however. The rules very clearly state this fact) And just to top of the joy of a day spent with Stanley, I will get two tickets to the Stanley Cup final game. As in the game where they drink all the booze out of the cup with which I have just spent the day with. So ya I kind of want to win this prize.

All I have to do is submit an essay explaining why I deserve a day with ol’ Stanley and a photo depicting my passion for the sport of hockey. What better place to try out my rough draft than right here on the good ol’ WWW. The world-wide web. Let me know what you guys think. This is the best essay that I have ever written in my entire life. And I wrote a lot of essays in my 4 years of college.

Why Amanda Deserves a Day with the Stanley Cup

I really like hockey. No scratch that. I really LOVE hockey.
I didn’t realize how much I loved hockey until I moved to Nashville in August. I attended the first home game of the Nashville Predators and since that initial game I have spent nearly a billion dollars on hockey. Essentially I became obsessed with the sport of hockey. I was a girl who never really followed sports much and now I have become a terror to those around me. I have random hockey trivia for every situation. I follow the standings religiously. I taunt the other teams when they come into our arena. I even spent a small fortune on a jersey when I was unemployed (granted this was not a wise decision but we’re cool now. I have a job again) I’ve spent another small fortune on the lottery known as mystery pucks, hoping for a Tootoo or a Weber, and you know what? I’ve gotten both. Because I am the ultimate hockey fan and have the hockey gods on my side. If I didn’t truly love hockey the hockey gods would never even come near me. So anyway, for the ultimate hockey fan like myself, a chance to see, feel, smell, and maybe even taste the Stanley Cup is a dream come true. If I could feel that shiny guy I would be the happiest person that has ever existed.

I will never have the talent or ability to win a Stanley Cup myself
I have zero balance. Ask my wii fit. It tells me all the time that I have the worst balance ever. There’s no possible way I can ever be good at ice skating without good balance. And if I can’t ice skate I’ll never be able to play hockey and if I can’t play hockey I’ll never be on an NHL team and if I never get to play on an NHL team I’ll never win the Stanley Cup. (Also I’m a girl. That’s the other reason why I’ll never be able to play in the NHL) So winning this contest would be my only opportunity to touch the Stanley Cup (this may not be an actual fact, but you can’t prove otherwise). If I don’t ever get to spend a day with the Stanley Cup I don’t know if my life is worth living. I’ll never be able to cross “touch the Stanley Cup” off my bucket list. Then I will die unhappily. But seriously, I need to spend a day with that thing. Sidney Crosby’s giant lips have touched it. If my regular sized lips touch it also, it will be like I kissed Sid, right on the lips. And ya, I want that in my life.

I’m a broke college graduate
I recently graduated college. Thus I have no money in my life. And the money I do have is being used to pay for the education that I am not currently utilizing. And my degree is in ministry. I will never ever make enough money to attend the Stanley Cup final game. NEVER. (unless my marriage proposal to Shea Weber works out, but I’m not holding my breath on that one) If I win this contest this would be the only time in my life I would be able to attend this game. Because I’m poor. I can’t afford tickets. I just can’t. And that’s why I need you to pick my essay and photo as the best EVER and allow me the opportunity to see the Stanley Cup live and in person. And then see the Stanley Cup final game live and in person as well. It would only be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So in conclusion, I’m poor, have no balance and love hockey. And that is why I should be given the opportunity to spend a day with Stanley. And I promise not to put any food or drink inside of it because I’m a rule follower. I might sniff it though. That wouldn’t be weird would it? Oh well. Anyway, I deserve a day with the Stanley Cup because I am the ultimate hockey fan!

If this isn’t hockey passion, I have no idea what is.

That should just about do it. I’m almost positive that I will win with that essay and that fantastic photo! I’ll let you guys know when I win, and maybe 25 of you guys can also touch the Stanley Cup! Wouldn’t that be the best?

You Don’t Suck and it’s Not Really all Your Fault

Vancouver Canucks goaltender Roberto Luongo du...

Image via Wikipedia

To Ryan Miller, Roberto Luongo, Annti Niemi, Jaroslav Halak and every other NHL goaltender that I have taunted,

Hey there fellas!

As I’m sure you are aware, coming into the Bridgestone Arena to play the Nashville Predators can be a frightening experience for your visiting teams. Apparently Ken Hitchcock of the St. Louis Blues even said, “You’re not going to beat Nashville in Nashville on Saturday night. This is like the Coliseum in Rome, coming into this place on a Saturday night.” I’m not going to lie to you, he’s right. The crowd is not welcoming in the least and you are told many, many times, that you suck.

I know you’ve heard the friendly little chant that happens when your team lineups are announced. You know, the one where after every name the entire arena shouts, “SUCKS!” Obviously this is a lot on the rude side as you don’t really suck. You’ve made it all the way to the NHL. That’s a pretty big thing and you don’t get there by sucking. This is clearly an irrational thing for a large crowd to shout at you.

And to top it all off, you are all goalies so you get the blame for everything. Every time the Predators score on one of you, the crowd makes sure to tell you how much you suck. It goes a lot like this, “Nah na na na nah HEY YOU SUCK!!” I don’t really know why they do this. Sure, you let a goal in, but you’re supposed to have defenders helping you. Obviously if they let a puck get by them, they also suck. And no one yells at the defenders about how bad they are. It’s not fair guys, not fair at all.

After that happy little song, the crowd makes sure to chant your last names long and slow like this, “LUUUOOONGOOO, LUUUOOONNGOOO” followed by, “YOU SUCK. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!” That doesn’t seem right. It’s not really all your fault. It’s a team game. Your team apparently didn’t help you much if the Predators were able to score. If I were you guys, I’d be pretty upset about how this plays out for you.

Now I’m not proud to admit this, but I have shouted “Hey, You SUCK!!” many, many times along with the crowd. I even chanted about it being all your fault last night, Neimi. I’m sorry about that. I got swept up in the crowd and atmosphere and it just sort of slipped out. Ok, it didn’t slip out, I yelled, that’s not a slip. But again, I’m not proud of myself.

I’d like to try to make up for this. So I have several options that I’ll let you choose from as retribution for me telling you that you suck.

Option #1: When the Predators score I’ll slowly chant the name of every player, of the opposing team, then proceed to “It’s all your fault”. That way the blame is not just placed on you. You and your team have solidarity in your suckiness.

Option #2: When your teams score on Pekka Rinne I can shout, “Hey, You Suck!” at him as well. That way I’m acknowledging the fact that the Predators also make mistakes and allow goals to be scored. (I’m not a fan of this idea and I’m not sure those words can physically come out of my mouth in reference to Pekka. I sort of love him too much to allow that to happen. So don’t choose this option, ok?)

Option #3: I don’t shout “You suck!” at anyone. I only shout happy uplifting things, like “THAT WAS A SPECTACULAR TRY THERE, RYAN MILLER!! YOU DID YOUR BEST! MAYBE NEXT TIME!!!” In this option, everyone is a winner. I make everyone feel good about themselves, even when the other team scores.

I’ll let you discuss amongst yourselves which is the best option. Let me know what you decide and at the next home game I attend I will put it into practice. If I shout loud enough I’m sure I can change the attitudes of everyone around me.

We’ll stop giving you guys all the blame soon. We will. Because you don’t really suck and it’s not really all your fault.

Sincerely,
Amanda

PS: Again, real sorry about shouting of “YOU SUCK!” It’s just not nice. Please don’t hate me. I don’t like to be hated. Plus if Shea Weber hears about my shouting problem he’ll never marry me. I don’t want that to happen. So let’s keep this between us, ok?