Now What Do You Propose I Do Michael Phelps?

Oh you! Stop being so adorable!

Dear Michael Phelps,

It’s been approximately 48 hours since I watched your last Olympic race. It’s probably been a few more than 48 since your actual last race happened, but I live in the US. NBC really enjoys tape delaying things here. But that’s not really important. The real issue here is that it’s been a mere 48 hours since you and your athletic prowess graced my presence and I’m already having serious withdrawals.

Because you are no longer an Olympic participant I’m currently sitting on my couch watching the men’s track cycling sprint. I don’t know if you’ve ever witnessed this event but it’s incredibly stupid. You see, these two men are on bikes at the starting line. But they’re apparently weenies because they can’t even balance the bikes themselves. They have little cronies who hold the bikes up for them. Then once the race starts they go real, real slow. I mean really slow. Like slow enough that I could walk faster than they are riding their bikes. And eventually they start going fast, but that’s the last 15 seconds of the race. I hate it Mike. I hate track cycling. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but it’s no 100 meter butterfly. Do you see what you’re doing to me? By retiring from your Olympic career you are forcing me to watch stupid things.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “But Amanda, I just stopped swimming. The actual event of swimming is still very much in existence. There are plenty of fantastic swimmers for you to latch on to. People like Ryan Lochte, Nathan Adrian or Matt Grevers. They are very talented. You can still watch swimming and not force yourself to watch stupid ‘sports’ that shouldn’t exist.”

And my response to that is a big fat PPPPPPBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! No Michael. I can’t just latch onto them. While you’ve spent years becoming the most decorated Olympic athlete ever, I’ve spent years growing emotionally attached to you. Sure some people might say you’re a freak what with your gorilla-like arm to torso ratio and your size 900 flipper-feet and maybe you do kind of have a horse face, but I can see past all that and only see those adorable puppy-dog eyes.

I’m not saying that you have to come back and participate in the 2016 games in Rio, I’m just simply stating that you have pretty much ruined the Olympics for me. No swimmer is ever going to be better than you let alone compare to you. You’ve broken all the records. They all belong to you. I really have nothing to live for anymore. Your Olympic career is over, therefore, my Olympic career is over. It’s like you just broke up with me after a 12 year relationship. It’s hurts Mike. It hurts bad.

I mean, I guess it’s cool that you want to have a life outside of swimming and stuff, but could you at least take me with you? I don’t really know what to do with myself now that you’re no longer going to be on my TV.

I guess if I can get past the bonnets, I could switch my obsession over to water polo. It won’t be the same, what with the proportional bodies and such, but I’ll make do I suppose.

Have a great retirement Michael. And don’t worry about me, you’ve only ruined my life a lot. I’ll get over my sadness in a few years….maybe.

Sincerely,

Amanda

More Sparkle Spray STAT!

 

Olympian Aly Raisman sheds tears because of the tautness of her ponytail while teammate Gabby Douglass looks on and laughs

This may surprise you guys but I love the Olympics.

When the Olympics come around I watch sports that I’ve never heard of with the focus of someone who could themselves, be an Olympian. Handball, water polo, field hockey, white water kayaking, I’ve watched it all. And one thing I’ve noticed through my rigorous studies is that all of these Olympians are happy. They have joy on their faces, as if they don’t care if they win, they’re just glad they made it to the Olympics. Well, that is all athletes except the gymnasts.

Yesterday as I watched the gymnasts flip, spin and jump around, I noticed that they all looked as if someone had murdered their dog and they were seeking it’s vengeance. I would expect anger out of a gymnast from China. I’m pretty sure if Chinese gymnasts don’t win gold, they get their legs cut off, but even the US gymnasts had anger and hatred in their eyes. Last I checked Béla Károlyi didn’t chop off legs.

Normally you think of gymnasts as happy and bubbly, but not these ones. These ones frightened me, until I discovered the source of their anger: their ponytails.

When I wear a ponytail, it’s simply to keep my hair out of my face, I just pull back the excess hair, wrap a scrunchee around it and BAM! pony tail. These gymnasts ponytails were blood seeking vessels. I’ve never seen a tighter ponytail on someone’s head then the ones I saw last night on NBC. Maybe a this hairstyle makes a better gymnast. I’m not scientist so I did a little bit of research. (The things I do for you guys. I’m just a real giver.)

Luckily, last night the US gymnastics team was mic’d up and I found the hidden footage* and dictated it all so I would have proof that their ponytails were incredibly tight and I wasn’t just crazy.

Coach John Geddert: “If your hair is wispy you will lose points! Slick it back!”

Olympic Gymnast Jordan Weiber “It’s already in a ponytail coach. What else do you want me to do?”

Geddert: “Slick it back more. Tighter. NO TIGHTER. UNTIL YOU LOOK SURPRISED.”

Weiber: “But coach, I can’t feel my face anymore. If I move my eyebrow 100 hairs rip out of my scalp.”

Geddert: “That just means you need more hair spray. And not that boring stuff. The stuff with sparkles. YOU NEED TO SHINE! More sparkles spray STAT!”

Weiber: “Well, okay, you’re the coach…..”

Obviously if your face feels like it may rip off because your hair is pulled back so tight, it’s going to be difficult to show any emotion. Gold medals before full heads of hair and comfort, that’s what I always say. Plus who wants to see someone happy when they succeed anyway.

If having no fly-aways wins you a medal, then I say, go ahead ladies, just grease those suckers back. Plus if your hair is pulled back super tight maybe you can jump higher and spin faster….like a windup toy.

*Nope.

 

 

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